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“That was a good party, right?” Chim asks, his eyes on his beer bottle as he tilts it– Buck wonders if Chim is trying to read the label but he doesn’t seem very focused. “We did good? I think we did good. Harry seemed happy.”
After Harry’s graduation, and official appointment to the 118, they’d all gone to dinner to celebrate him, and afterwards, they’d eventually migrated back to Buck’s place for a casual after-party.
His new house is central to everyone, and easily accessible for both Chris and Hen. There was food, drinks, a few yard games (because why not), and he even had a fire pit for the backyard around which they were currently sitting. A small fire; something easy to manage so it wouldn’t get out of hand. The last thing any of them want is for them to have to call the firefighters. They would never live it down.
“Mm.” Buck nods, finishes off his drink, and reaches out to put it aside on the table next to his other empty cans.
He’s been in a bittersweet headspace for the last hour or so, after Harry and his friends had left, leaving behind only the core group of A-shift, along with Maddie and Karen, Chris having retreated to his room as well.
He’s on drink number 4, but somehow, he doesn’t feel a thing; no buzz, no warmth. He’d hoped that drinking would alleviate his mood– that was his first mistake. He’s pretty sure he’s been feeling worse and worse with every passing drink. He should’ve known better than to drink in this headspace.
On a good day, having a drink or two gets him out of his head, helps him be more social, helps him feel normal. Like he doesn’t have to school his expressions into something neutral.
Except, that’s only on a good day.
On a bad day, alcohol doesn’t make him smile, it doesn’t make him feel lighter, it makes him feel numb and sad. It keeps him in his head, it makes everything louder.
He should’ve stuck to water.
Something cold touches his shoulder as he’s sitting up, making him jolt slighty. He looks to his left and sees a full can being held out by Eddie. The thanks he mutters out is quiet, and he sees something twitch in Eddie’s expression. His friend’s gaze lingers– Buck simply gives him a tight lipped smile, trying to indicate that he’s okay, and cracks open his can. He’s not good but it’s not the time to get into it.
“It was a good party,” he finally says, hoping to get Eddie’s attention back to the group and not him. “Really good. It was great to have everyone over. I don’t think I ever got around to doing a housewarming?” Around him, his friends frown and shake their heads.
“No…” Maddie tilts her head to the side slightly as she usually does when she’s thinking– Buck remembers her as a kid doing this when he was trying to explain things to him. “No. I don’t think you did. We’ve all been over at some point in the last few months, I think, but never all at the same time?”
“Well,” Eddie raises his can, “Congrats on the new place, man.” He reaches out and pats Buck on the knee twice. Buck immediately feels his skin tingle slightly at the touch. Eddie feels both too close and too far.
“Man… Harry’s a probie,” Hen says. “Our probie.” There’s a smile pulling at her lips– Buck’s glad that she’s here with them. He knows how rough it’s been for her lately, and just going to the ceremony probably took a lot out of her. He wouldn't have blamed her for skipping after dinner, but he’s not going to complain that she’s here. “Do y’all even remember your graduation?”
Next to her, Chim snorts.
Loudly.
“My graduation was over twenty years ago.” There’s a beat of silence and Chimney rolls his eyes. “Yeah, okay. I remember it. Kevin and I got super drunk and Mr. and Mrs. Lee had to deal with us in the morning. Wild night. It was great. We went to Karaoke with everyone, stayed up till five… Good times. Don’t think I could do that now.”
“What makes you say that?” Buck starts, grinning at his brother-in-law, “Is it the fact that you’re tipsy on a couple of beers, or that it’s barely ten and you’re ready for bed?” Across the fire, Chimney narrows his eyes at him, and Buck doesn’t even flinch when Chimney throws an empty can his way– there was no way the hit would land: Chimney’s aim is decent at best when he’s sober. If anything, Buck’s surprised that it didn’t hit anyone else instead.
“Oh, fuck off, Buckley,” Chimney calls with a laugh. “I’ve got two kids at home, I’m tired.”
Well Chim, I’ll have you know that I have a teenager at home, I’m tired too. Is what Buck wants to say, but he bites his tongue.
His teenager who had retreated to his room as soon as Denny and Mara had left with Toni about an hour ago. His teenager who was probably still playing games on his Switch instead of sleeping like he’d said he’d be doing.
His teenager.
His.
Buck still hasn’t wrapped his head around it all.
“I bought my first building after I graduated.” Immediately after finishing his sentence, Ravi earns himself a couple of loud boos and thumbs down from the gang. They would probably throw balls of paper at him if they had them. “Come on, guys! I’m a good landlord."
“Mr. Businessman,” Buck mockingly says, regretting the horrible Russian accent he has going on. “Mr. Landlord.” Ravi shakes his head at him, but he’s laughing and so are Hen and Eddie.
And Buck? Buck’s just really happy that his joke landed– something about people laughing at his jokes always makes him feel some kind of warm.
“Mine was the opposite of nice,” Eddie says once the laughs die down, Chimney asking everyone what was so funny about Buck’s lame accent? Only for Karen to pat his shoulder and tell him not to worry about it.
Which, thank you, Karen.
Because if they start to talk about Heated Rivalry, Buck knows that the conversation would turn to the fact that Eddie’s watched it, and Hen would probably question why.
Because he’s gay, Hen, that’s why– not that straight men can’t watch that show, but from what they know of Eddie, it would probably raise more questions.
But that’s neither here nor there. Eddie’s not out to their family yet– he’s planning on maybe doing it soon. He’s been picky about his timing, and claims that no time ever felt right.
One thing at a time. Buck suspects that Eddie also just doesn’t want all of the attention on him– which. Valid. Honestly.
Granted they’re doing things totally out of order, and possibly speedrunning this whole relationship… Who said you can’t spontaneously be kissed by your best friend in his kitchen at sunrise when the sun is shining so beautifully in his eyes that you can’t resist going in for a kiss (Eddie’s words, not Buck’s) and then, when you part after a couple of minutes, you immediately say yes when he asks you to live together before even properly confessing your feelings to one another?
No one.
Exactly.
No one says that that’s not a thing you can do.
(They did get around to confessing their feelings that next morning when they realized that nothing had explicitly been said.)
Technically speaking, Eddie hasn’t even come out to Buck yet. But honestly, Buck hasn’t been very worried about that. Not with how Eddie looks at him, or how Eddie has been using his hands or his ton– he shakes the thoughts away and straightens up.
So not the time to let his mind wander. Even if it’s been helping his mood.
Even glancing at Eddie right now is dangerous: the man is just sitting, leaning back in his camping chair, but his legs are spread wide, and Buck’s sanity is draining fast.
For some reason, Eddie always sits like this: legs wide open. Always.
And Buck?
Buck is only human, and he can only handle so much in so little time.
Like last month: Buck was coming out to the backyard with some popcorn, ready to watch a movie on the projector they’d installed, only to find Eddie down on one knee, his Abuelo’s ring between his fingers.
Buck had almost passed out with how surprised he’d been. Almost. He didn’t. It’s important to know that he only swooned a little bit and he didn’t pass out. What else was he supposed to do?!
Say yes, of course. Which he did, loudly and proudly, jumping only a little bit when Christopher made a confetti popper go off behind him.
(It’s a wonder Hen and Karen hadn’t figured them out when they’d come over the next day for the samba lesson and stretching session. They hadn’t even questioned why Eddie and Chris were at Buck’s, or why they both couldn’t stop smiling like idiots.)
So they’ve officially been together for a month and a half.
In order: They’d kissed, agreed to live at Buck’s bigger and more central house, realized they’d forgotten to actually say I love you, delcared their love for each other, moved Eddie and Chris in, signed a few forms for work which were conviniently filed with the B-Shift Captain because Chim was out that week, fucked in almost every room, and against almost every wall of Eddie’s old house the weekend they had to deep clean and give back the keys, and they got engaged the night Eddie’s last box was unpacked in their new home– all before Eddie came out to anyone, and before telling most of their family.
Because of course Chris knows, as well as Maddie and Pepa (who had come over to Buck’s– their– house. Who else was meant to watch Chris when they were deep cleaning the old house and making sure nothing was left behind?)
Athena knows as well– she and Buck have a standing monthly brunch where they take the time to catch up on everything. They’d started this after Bobby’s passing as a way of checking up on each other, and it had stuck.
The look on her face when Buck had told her about him and Eddie had been so fond that he’d shed a few tears. Maybe from relief of telling someone who he sees as a parental figure, or maybe because he knows his own mother wouldn’t’ve reacted like this?
Whatever the reason was, he definitely cried when she told him that Bobby would be happy for them, that Bobby had a feeling that they would get together eventually.
So. Yeah.
Buck can only handle so much in so little time.
Eddie probably won’t come out to everyone tonight, and probably not tomorrow, but Buck will be with him when he does choose to do it. If he does it at all, that is. They’re leaning towards just announcing their engagement and letting everyone figure it out.
“Shannon was gone, my parents were still fighting me for Chris, I was living at my Abuela’s…” Eddie shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer. “Man. Things were different back then. Like, sure my parents flew in to support me, but they belittled me the whole time. Kept telling me I should come home and just work with my dad… Or at the very least apply for an El Paso FD.”
“Sounds like your parents,” Buck mutters quietly into his can.
Next to him, Eddie shoots him a smile and shakes his head. “What? It’s true!”
“Didn’t say it wasn’t! I completely agree, actually. My parents have been like that since I’ve been ten, basically. Hell, y’all saw how they were at my shield ceremony, too.”
“I bet Buck’s parents just criticized everything or gave backhanded compliments,” Chimney says, laughing into his next sip. “I can’t remember seeing them at your shield ceremony– Or wait… I think I had to miss it? Was it during my rebar incident?"
And Buck… looks down at his hands.
Because of course it would be his turn at some point to say how his ceremonies went, right? They’re going around the metaphorical table– and that’s how it works. Part of him had hoped that if he’d stayed quiet, no one would pry an answer out of him.
If he’s honest, part of him had hoped they wouldn’t talk about this at all.
C’est la vie, or whatever.
He clears his throat and avoids looking at any of them, choosing instead to look directly into the flames dancing in the middle of the pit.
“Uh, no, actually. They didn’t come to my graduation– mean, fuck. They didn’t even come to my High School graduation. I invited them, even though we hadn’t really spoken since I left when I was 18. Thought they’d be proud or something, but they didn’t show– they didn’t even answer my call or emails, actually. No one came.” Next to him, Maddie reaches out and takes one of his hands in hers. She squeezes it and he twists his hand in hers to intertwine their fingers properly.
He doesn’t say it outloud, but he knows it’s understood too: that he invited Maddie and she hadn’t come. Now he knows why. Now, he understands and he doesn’t hold it against her. But at the time? At the time he’d been mad.
He’d been sad.
He’d been lonely.
He finishes his drink and sniffs, “Not even my roommates, you know? Sure I hadn’t known them for long but still… I’d expected Connor to show up, at least. But… yeah. No one at my shield ceremony, either, because I didn’t have one.”
“What?” It’s Hen’s turn to sit up, her voice louder than it’s been all night. “What do you mean you didn’t have one, Buck? Of course you did. Everyone has one. It’s tradition.”
“I didn’t. I asked Bobby not to host one. I mean, how pathetic would it have been, you know? No friends, no family, no one that really cared about me. No one to stand up and say that they’re proud… nothing. Bobby gave me the basic LAFD speech in his office and bought me a slice of pie at the dinner after our shift. I was disappointed for expecting anyone to show up for my graduation, for expecting things to be different, so I made sure I couldn’t be disappointed for the shield ceremony.”
“Buck…” Eddie tries to speak up but Buck immediately interrupts him.
“It’s fine, really. Things are better now! It’s no big deal.” He lifts his and Maddie’s hands up, “My sister’s been with me for years, I have an amazing brother,” he gestures to Chimney, “Older sisters,” to Hen and Karen, “Younger siblings in May and Harry, parental figures that actually care about me, I–” he finally looks to Eddie, and sees the devastation in his eyes.
Eddie’s hand is reached out and Buck grabs it. He doesn’t know what he could say about Eddie or Chris that wouldn’t expose their relationship, doesn’t know what he could say that could even come close to expressing how he feels about his Diazes.
“It’s fine,” he repeats. “It wasn’t fine for a long time, and it’s been touch and go over the years… but I’m… I’m okay.” When he blinks, a tear slips out of his eye and Maddie quickly takes her hand back so she can wipe it away with her sleeve. “Really, Maddie,” he takes her hand again to get her attention and looks into her eyes, wet with tears. “I’m okay. I’m okay with being in second place. With being no one’s first choice. I’m okay now, because I have all of you. I didn’t have a family when I got to LA, but I have one now.”
When he finally looks around again, all he sees are a couple of wet cheeks and quiet faces. No one is speaking, no one is smiling, no one is moving.
“Wow, sorry,” he lets out a nervous chuckle and takes his hands back from Eddie and Maddie as he shifts and tries to get comfortable. “I really just… brought down the mood, huh? I’m just gonna–” he points towards the house with his thumb and promptly gets up. “Anyone need anything? No? I’ll be right back.” He hears his name being called, but he ignores it.
Ignores them.
He’s fine, it’s fine, he just needs to compose himself, and go back out.
Except as soon as the backdoor closes behind him, he starts shaking, and he feels like he can’t catch his breath.
He goes to the furthest wall in the kitchen, and just lets himself slide down until he’s sat on the floor. His eyes shut tight, he taps on his chest, and tries to control his breathing, but nothing is working.
His nose starts running, and there’s no holding back the tears any more. Something in him just snaps, and hopes to God Chris has headphones on or his white noise machine because the sobs that are coming out don’t care about the sounds they make.
Maybe a minute passes before Buck hears the back door open and close; of course someone would follow him in.
The question is– Maddie or Eddie?
“Buck?”
Eddie it is.
He puts his palms to his eyes and pushes hard enough for it to seem like there’s a bright light bursting behind his eyelids. God he didn’t want Eddie to see him like this.
There are hands on both his thighs now, and he feels Eddie between his legs.
“Evan, look at me.”
Eddie’s voice is quiet, and close. His hands feel grounding and Buck wishes he could open his eyes, but he doesn’t want to see Eddie feel bad for him, he doesn’t want to see the pity. So he shakes his head.
“I’m sorry I ruined the whole evening.” Even in a whisper, Buck can tell that his voice is a bit wrecked, a bit wobbly.
“You didn’t,” Eddie replies, and his hands are on Buck’s now, gently trying to pry them away from his face. “Look at me, Evan. Please?” He shakes his head, but finally lets up on the pressure, letting Eddie guide his hands down. “It’s okay,” he says, a small smile pulling at his lips, his big brown eyes looking at Buck. He puts his hands to Buck’s face and rubs his thumbs against Buck’s cheeks.
A laugh escapes his chest. It’s wet, and nothing is funny, but he can’t stop it. “I mean fuck. I’m thirty-four and crying? Because, what? I wasn’t loved enough as a kid? Because my parents didn’t come to my football games 20 years ago? What the fuck?”
“Memories can be painful.” He says it like it’s the easiest thing to say, and Buck? Buck almost believes him. “You were alone back then; of course it hurts to think about it. Even now.”
Buck nods, and balls his hands up on his lap. “What if…” his voice comes out quiet, and he’s cut off by a small hiccup. “What if I just end up like that again? Alone? What if everyone just moves on without me, what if you find someone better?”
“Baby, no. That’s not going to happen. You’re it for me, Buck. It took us a while to get here, but I want you, and only you, okay? You’re worth all of this love, from everyone, and we’re not going anywhere.”
“But what if–”
“I’ll take you with me. Wherever I go, I’m taking you with me. And if you choose to go, I’ll follow. I choose you, Buck, and I’ll keep choosing you every day until we die.” A couple more tears are wiped as they fall. “Okay?”
“So much for therapy, huh?” He chuckles wetly and blows his nose. “Thought I’d gone over all of this with Dr. Copeland.” The joke doesn’t land, and Eddie doesn’t laugh. Instead, one of Eddie’s hands is caressing the side of his face and the other is on his leg. “Thought I’d gotten over it.”
“You know as well as I do that healing isn’t linear, and that it’s not because you’ve worked through it that the pain is gone. Also, maybe drinking when we’re already sad and thinking about the past isn’t the best, hm?”
That gets Buck to laugh properly. “I suppose that’s true.”
“Good.”
After Buck assumes Eddie’s satisfied with what he’s seeing on Buck’s face, Eddie stands, his knees popping, and Buck resists the urge to make a joke about Eddie’s old man knees. A hand is held out and Buck takes it, letting Eddie pull him up with ease.
He guides Buck to the bathroom where he insists on being the one to gently pass a cold facecloth all over Buck’s face.
“I probably look horrible,” Buck mutters pathetically. His back is turned to the mirror, but he knows how he gets when he cries. Quite a few people have told him that he’s an ugly crier. Including exes.
“It’ll swell down,” Eddie replies as he dabs Buck’s cheeks. “You’re still cute. Blotchy and puffy and all.”
Buck sniffs once and pouts at Eddie, “You’re just saying that because you’re marrying me.”
“Baby, I would’ve told you the same thing before we got together.”
Once Eddie’s done, Buck splashes his face with a few handfuls of the coldest water the tap can give him and finally gives himself a once-over in the mirror.
Like Eddie said: he’s puffy, and red all over, but there’s nothing he can do about that.
He gets really red, really fast, and ends up looking like a raccoon, and has red patches down his neck, too. Even if he only cries for two minutes, the evidence is there for an hour.
There’s no saying how long this will take to swell down.
“Ready to face the music?” Eddie asks once Buck’s back from the bathroom. Buck pulls a face and Eddie takes his cheeks between his hands to kiss him softly on the lips, “It’s okay, Buck. Really.”
Buck makes a non-committal noise that Eddie seems to take for an agreement and he’s pulled towards the back door.
Just as Eddie slides the door open, Buck takes a step back. “Wait–” he rushes back to their bedroom and grabs one of Eddie’s old LAFD hoodies, pulling it on instantly. It’s warm outside around the fire, yes, but this will at least hide his neck.
Once he gets back to Eddie, his fiancé gives him a soft smile and nods towards the door.
He takes a deep breath, and follows Eddie out, their fingers linked loosely.
Without letting go, Eddie pulls his chair closer to Buck’s and settles back into it– this way, they can comfortably keep holding hands.
If it wasn’t for him, Buck would’ve stayed in.
The silence is awkward, and he knows that it’s because of him. They’d been talking before they stepped out, and they’d stopped– clearly they’d been talking about him.
“I uh… I’m okay, guys. Really,” Buck says, deciding that he should be the first to speak up. “Sor–”
“Don’t apologize,” Eddie says, squeezing his fingers gently. “Okay?”
“For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry you felt so alone back then,” Chimney says, everyone nodding along. “You deserved to be celebrated, just like each and everyone of us.”
“Hey, no, it’s okay, Chim. I mean, yeah it sucked, but we’ve had some great celebrations in the past, right? Eddie’s shield ceremony, Ravi’s shield ceremony, vow renewals, weddings, adoptions, births, birthdays–”
“But you still deserve a proper celebration, one about you, is what I mean. Not just a birthday, not something shared with a group. An achievement, you know?”
His hand is squeezed again, and Buck looks to Eddie. His fiancé tilts his head towards the firepit and blinks, his lips pursed. If Buck was anyone else, he wouldn’t understand what Eddie’s trying to convey, but to him, it’s crystal clear: Eddie wants to tell them their news.
So he nods, and Eddie grins brightly, canines on display as he looks back at the group. “If Buck doesn’t mind sharing the spotlight, I suppose you could celebrate him at our wedding next year.”
If it wasn’t for the fire snapping and crackling, they’d be able to hear a pin drop.
Jaws are on the floor, eyes are wide.
No one is speaking, and Buck fears that his friends are broken.
“So that,” Hen gestures to them, “Isn’t platonic?!”
“Hen, we’re getting married,” Eddie replies matter-of-factly. “You think we’d get married platonically?" Amongst the snorts and giggles, Buck’s pretty sure he hears someone say ‘well if the shoe fits’ or something of the sort. “Wait– really?”
“You two are stupid close– you would get married platonically,” Hen insists, waving her hand in their general direction as Karen adds, “For like, tax purposes. Or for Chris or something.”
At that, Eddie snorts and rolls his eyes, “We don’t need to get married for Chris. Buck’s already in my will.”
That gets another general loud WHAT along with a WHEN out of the others, and Buck misses when he was indoors and alone with Eddie. He passes his free hand over his face and leans back in his chair as much as he can.
Eddie’s going to answer this– he started, he can end it.
“After the well,” Eddie finally says– and yup: Maddie, Hen, and Karen stare at them blankly– Chimney looks like he’s doing advanced math in his head, trying to figure out how much time has passed since, but the only one that seems confused about it all is Ravi.
“Guys, that was like… Almost six years ago,” Hen says, her eyes still just as wide.
“Wait.” Karen puts a hand on her wife’s shoulder and stands. “Have you two been…” she waves her hand in their general direction, “Together since then?”
“We’ve been together a month and a half,” Buck replies, turning to smile at Eddie.
“Closer to two now, actually,” Eddie says. He brings Buck’s hand up to his lips and presses a kiss to his knuckles.
Buck’s pretty sure he hears Hen and Chim fake gag but he chooses to ignore them in favour of looking back into Eddie’s eyes, mesmerized by the way the flames are reflecting in them.
“So what made you two get back together?”
Finally, he averts his gaze and looks to Ravi, who’s leaning on his knees, “Hm?”
“After all these years.”
“It’s just… always been him,” Buck replies. “I just couldn’t see it until recently.” On his right, Maddie coughs into her hand, and he distinctively hears a called it as she does, but he lets it slide.
She did, after all, call it.
Oh God. He did have a boy crush on Eddie all those years ago!
So not the point.
He pulls at Eddie’s hand gently and has him lean in to meet him for a quick kiss. Eddie’s cheeks are Buck’s favourite shade of pink when they pull away.
“And I just…” Eddie sighs, but he’s smiling. “He was in my kitchen, like he’s been for nearly a decade, and the sun was in his eyes and I just… kissed him.”
“That’s it?” Karen says, her voice is full of wonder– Buck really can’t blame her. “Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
Of course Eddie leaves out the introspection he’d been doing for the last couple of years that led him to eventually be brave enough to kiss Buck. That and the therapy.
They don’t need to know that story. Not tonight, anyways.
The important information is out, and despite the sad memories that were brought up, Buck’s happy now. He’s with his chosen family, he’s engaged, and he’s not alone.
The evening itself was rough but– “Wait–” He looks at Ravi, brows knitted together in confusion, “What do you mean back together?!”