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It’s nearing midnight when a ping from Ray’s phone distracts him from his god awful science homework. It’s from Illi, like usual. Ray doesn’t even bother to check it before pocketing his phone and wallet and opening his window.
As he suspected, Illi is standing outside. He throws on a jacket, then, thankfully on the first floor, climbs out the window easily.
When he turns back to her, Illi is smiling. She’s wearing a long plain black skirt with a band tee and a painfully oversized jean jacket she has decorated with paint, embroidery, and all sorts of pins.
One of the hands tucked into the pockets of her jacket raises, holding a pack of cigs and her favorite purple lighter. Ray just chuckles, stepping towards her and accepting the invitation.
This has become a regular thing. The two of them wordlessly sneak out in the dark of night and wander around for a couple hours. It’s relaxing. Ray thinks it’s nice to just stay in someone’s company without having to keep up an appearance. Occasionally, Frank or Mikey will tag along. It’s rare, though.
As the two set each of their cigarettes between their lips, Illi holds the lighter between them. The flame is close, illuminating their faces. Illi looks soft, pretty, even. Her eyelashes are long and her cheeks are tinted pink from the chill in the air.
Once they’re done, they start walking.
They never aim for somewhere specific. Usually they wander towards a gas station or a park.
“Mikey at home?” Ray asks, breathing smoke into the air around him.
“Yeah. I checked, I think he’s asleep.” Illi answers quietly.
“And why couldn’t you tonight?” Ray nudges her as they walk.
“The usual. Bad dreams, paranoia, thinking.” She sighs, enunciating the last word with a strained exhale.
Ray just nods. It is usual for her. He just wishes he could fix it.
“What about you?” Illi nudges him back. “What’s goin’ on up there for you to come out so quick?”
Ray rolls his eyes. “Science homework.” It’s the easy answer. Easier than explaining he tried to distract himself with science homework so he could stop thinking about her. Thinking about why on earth he feels a strange burning in his heart whenever he gets too close to her. Thinking about why he wants to be around her all the time. Illi really didn’t have to know that.
“Oh shit. Is that due tomorrow?” She stops dead in her tracks. It’s almost comedic, cartoonish.
Ray laughs wholeheartedly. “It’s not like you’re passing anyways.” He shrugs, grinning.
“True.” Illi nods, smiling. She continues to walk, shrugging it off.
They keep walking for a while. It’s a strange sort of relaxation that calms Ray’s buzzing thoughts. There’s no one around, no one to distract him.
Eventually they come across a park. The one they usually go to, the one they hang out in all the time.
The two find a familiar clearing and lay down, like a routine. They sit here often, contemplating. They smoke and talk and doze off and try to forget about the world.
The stars are bright in the sky. Brighter than they’d be in any big city. Ray has always liked them. They offer some sort of protection, a sort of comfort to him. Like an entity– Ray guesses something similar to a god.
Illi always thought that was bullshit. Ray is okay with that.
She still sits with him, watching them, staring up and analyzing.
Ray turns his head, looking towards Illi. She’s staring straight up, eyes sparkling. There’s a soft glow on her face, just barely showing her features. The dim light shows off her soft pale skin and pointed nose in the most beautiful way.
Ray thinks he feels his heart burn. He looks back to the stars, hoping for any guidance, any sign that should help him with these stupid feelings. They just glow, same as ever, fixed in an endless void of space.
His mind wanders back to where it always seems to land. Illi.
His best friend. The person he’s known all his life. The person who knows him. Knows him like no one else could. The girl who never thought he was weird for liking what he liked, the girl who stood by him every chance she got. She is the number one person in his life. Ray hopes she always will be.
“I love you.” Ray says suddenly, words just slipping out of his mouth like a caged animal being set free.
He didn’t even say it consciously, didn’t think twice to consider if it was a good idea.
Illi turns her head towards him. Ray just sits up.
“I am… So sorry.” He laughs in disbelief. “I didn’t– I um…”
“Hey.” Illi sits up with him, putting a grounding hand on his shoulder. “It’s fine.” She shrugs.
Ray takes a breath, trying to calm himself down. Why on earth did he say that?
“Do you want to… try again? Think about the words before they come out?” Illi suggests, like she’s reading his mind. Ray nods.
“I was just… Y’know, thinking. I was thinking about…” He trails off, trying to find the words. He looks at Illi again, watching her barely visible eyes flick around his face with anxiety.
“Let’s lie down. It’ll be easier if we’re not– It’s easier when you aren’t face to face.” Illi pats his shoulder. Ray nods, and the two collapse into the grass again.
Ray stares up at the stars again. The thing he’s looked at his whole life, searched for answers in, asked to help him. The things that have had his back his whole life. Just like Illi.
“You’ve just been… a constant in my life. For so long.” Ray sighs. Maybe if he pretends he’s talking to the stars, it’ll be easier. “You’ve been here the whole time. You listen to me, you help me… you understand.”
Ray tries not to jump when he feels Illi’s hand graze over his wrist, fingertips reaching towards his palm. He takes another breath.
“I’m just thankful. You don’t think I’m weird, you don’t hesitate to be there for me, you don’t think I’m ugly.” Ray laughs a little at the last part, trying to keep it lighthearted. Illi’s hand takes his and squeezes, keeping him in the moment. “And you’re– you’re perfect. I know you don’t like to admit it, but you’re so smart and pretty and cool and it makes me want to– explode like a dying star.” He breathes. He hears her shuffle a little, probably uncomfortable with the praise.
“It’s not necessarily a– a romantic thing.” Ray stutters. He still isn’t quite sure about that one.
“I mean. It might be.” He continues, letting the words out as whispers, so he doesn’t have to admit it outright. “I don’t know. But… I do love you. Whatever way it’s in.” He sighs, turning his head towards Illi again. This time, she’s looking right at him.
“Yeah?” She whispers, also seeming a little bit in disbelief.
“Yeah.” Ray nods.
They look at each other for a long moment. There’s a sort of understanding between them, a connection. They can speak a thousand words without ever opening their mouths.
Illi’s eyes are soft and welcoming, almost expectant. She raises an eyebrow, just a bit, barely noticeable to the average person, especially in this light. But Ray notices. He always does.
He reaches his empty hand over to her face, brushing his thumb along her cheek softly. It’s seconds before their lips connect, brushing together in a sweet kiss. Ray thinks he might be experiencing supernova. Illi is soft and warm. The smoke on her breath tastes sweeter than it should.
When they break away, Ray smiles. Illi smiles back.
“I love you too.” She whispers, breath hot on his face. “Dork.”