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Jax hit the red button. Reality was hell. Nothing ever went well up there. Any time things would look up, something would come along and tear everything down. An endless cycle of suffering that couldn’t be predicted. There was no way of telling when whatever stability Jax managed to build would get ripped into shreds. He couldn’t even hold onto the comfort of everything staying terrible. He let himself be tricked into having hope so many times.
The circus was different. It was a hell in its own right, yes, but Jax knew what to expect. Things didn’t change here. People would come and go but the circus stayed the same. It became familiar. Safe. Jax had crafted a persona to make sure he stays in control of what the circus throws at him. Make jokes for the audience, be mysterious and interesting, take joy out of the other’s personal drama, be unbothered when they inevitably die. It’s who he needed to be. And he was good at it.
So he chose the circus. He made the choice for everyone. All so he could stay in the hell that made sense. In doing so, he showed everyone he was weak. He was supposed to think this was fake, just another adventure, but he couldn’t risk losing the control that he’d manage to gather here.
And then he found out it was fake. He did that for nothing. And Caine. Caine who had notably gotten glitchier. God, Caine could do whatever he wanted to them and would they even be any the wiser? He could snap his fingers and make Jax do whatever he wanted. Jax thought he understood him. He didn’t. He didn’t at all and he’d been purposely trying to ignore the proof.
Jax had been so sure that despite everything else, he could have some autonomy here at least. He supposed he got tricked again. Into thinking there could be any hope of things just being okay. He should’ve known better than that. Yet he still is having some hope, despite all odds. He hopes that when he inevitably abstracts he’ll get to be with Ribbit and Kaufmo again.