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A gentle bell notification drew everyone’s attention. ‘That yours Dr Mohan?’ Mel shot Whitaker a look. The interns eyes widened at the stare. Dr Mohan shook her head, not hiding her own less than impressed eyebrow arch.
‘Mine’s on silent. Thanks Whitaker.’ Whitaker, never a tall man, shrunk in on himself more.
Mel sighed. ‘It’s mine. Reminder to call my sister.’ Like it didn’t go off every single day. Like they hadn’t heard the notification repeatedly. Seen her go and even overheard the conversations.
‘During the work day? Call her after like normal people.’ The three doctors turned to the corrections officer. Not only was he getting in the way, his cologne offensively bad, now he was pass remarkable about things he didn’t understand. Or have any business commenting on.
Mel’s voice turned monotone. ‘I call her when I call her.’
She flinched as he stepped too close again. ‘Fucking stupid.’ He muttered under his breath. Mel struggled to keep her irritation in check. Jaw clenching, her shoulders tensing. Samira shook her head at him. At least Mel knew that he was being an asshole. Wasn’t just her overreacting. Overly sensitive.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Count off her deep steady breaths. ‘I’m going to go follow up on the labs.’ Mohan smiled sympathetically. Whitaker didn’t blink at the comment. But he did flinch a little as Mel slammed her gown and gloves in the bin next to him.
A code blue was happening a few bays order. Shouts and orders clamouring back and forth. Was that Robby and Dr Langdon? It was good they were working together, Mel mused. She tapped open the computer checking up on their patients lab orders. Technically she could have done it in the bay. But she needed space away from the guard and she could call Becca after. A quick check in. Mel scanned the results. Signs of chronic malnutrition, anaemia and a few other red flags.
Mel skimmed the lab notes, morphology backing up Dr Al’s suggested cause for the skin friability. Turning off her reminder, Mel quickly hit phone.
It rang.
And rang.
And rang some more.
Hi! Becca’s voice finally sung through the phone. Some of the tension ebbed. Mel went to return the greeting- I’m not available to take your call right now. Just text me. Unless you’re Mel! Thanks! Becca King.
She froze. The sound of the emergency room dimming around her. The anxiety that had been her constant friends since her notice surged to be the only thing Mel could feel. Becca never, never missed a phone call from her. Mel called at the same time every day. No matter what. It was their thing. Becca would spiral without that call. Mel quickly tried again, hoping that maybe she’d answered another phone call.
Voicemail.
Again.
Voicemail.
Mel felt her entire body run cold. Heart rate skyrocketing into tachycardia her phone shaking violently in her hand. ‘You okay there Mel?’ Princess paused at her elbow. Catching the no doubt ashen skin and shaking figure.
It took a moment for Mel to get the words out. ‘My sister isn’t answering my call.’
Why.
Why?
‘Oh. No big deal. July fourth she must be out having fun.’ Princess smiled her big bright smile, not understanding.
Mel’s voice was monotone even to her. ‘No you don’t-’ But Princess just walked away. ‘understand.’ Her words not being heard by a single person. She sat at the keyboard trying to centre herself. Hitting redial again.
Voicemail.
Something was wrong. Mel could feel it in her gut. Even though she was a rational scientist, person. Something was deeply wrong. But she had to park it. Compartmentalise. She had a job to do. Results. Panic could be felt later. Mel beelined for furthest position from the guard. Keeping a good distance as he moved towards her. ‘Blood work reflects the expected malnutrition.’ The guard scoffed. Samira rolled her eyes, unafraid to let him see it. ‘But there are abnormalities that need to be investigated further.
The guard swore. ‘I need to make a call.’
Samira glared at his back. ‘He’s going to injure one of us if he doesn’t learn to get out of the fucking way.’ Samira shook her head at her. A little frown appearing on her face. ‘Mel? You look pale.’ Her head tilted, her large eyes picking up every detail.
Mel swallowed heavily. Doing her level best to act like she wasn’t completely freaking out. ‘Becca didn’t answer.’
Whitaker shrugged, brushing past her as he left the bay. ‘No big deal just busy.’ Mel flinched at the unwanted contact. Would he ever learn to not jostle into her? Samira removed her gloves and gown with her usual care. Slowly, methodically: just like how she worked.
Samira’s voice was soft and sweet. ‘That’s not like her?’ Mel shook her head. Samira smiled sweetly, tucking a loose curly strand of hair behind her ear. ‘It is the fourth. Crazy day. Bet she didn’t hear her phone or reception’s kinda shit.’
Mel chewed her lip, trying to find the words. Becca always careful to text her if she was going to have any problems connecting. But there was nothing. Mel stared at the lack of notifications, opening her mouth to try to explain but Samira moved out of the room. Before Mel could get a word out.
No one understood.
Why did no one ever bother to understand?
Why couldn’t they stay?
Mel made her way outside. Everyone knew she was out of it today. No doubt they’d be relieved to be free of her distracted self.
Redial. Redial. Redial. Checking when Becca had been last online. Too long ago. She tried rapping repeatedly to settle her rapidly fraying nerves. Breathing exercises, pushing on her wrists. Mel counting the people around her. Cars passing. Patients coming and going through the ambulance bay. A couple of paramedics waving to Mel. Barry, Denise and Troy?
Mel was standing on the edge of her sanity. Not only was she facing something that could ruin her life – her medical licence, Becca’s care, everything. And everyone was so dismissive of her feelings. Santos – her usual flippant self, Robby – been there done that, Dr Al – never faced a suit but that was mostly due to her job but careful to reference Mel’s work, Samira – better but still reassuring without listening.
Until Mel had the proof that she was going to be okay she was spirally. Listing the possible outcomes. Catastrophes. From worst to best. Least likely to most. Just telling her it was going to be okay didn’t fucking help. Just dismissive. Didn’t actual try to engage with her. Isolating.
The one person who always listened to her wasn’t answering her phone.
‘FUCK!’ Mel flinched at the sudden scream a few feet away. Dr Langdon, hands tight in his hair, pain, guilt and tears in his eyes. ‘SHIT.’
‘Dr Langdon?’ Her hand was still shaking. The phone in it scarily silent. Dr Langdon turned. Slowly. ‘Mel.’ He looked really upset. First day back after rehab and all the stressors and triggers that abounded in an ER department. Made sense. ‘Sorry for shouting.’ Mel leaned against the pillar next to her. A pathetic attempt to hide her shaking anxiety body.
He started pacing, eyes darting back to the pitt doors. That restless energy was his own Mel supposed. She remembered him spinning and running around the Pitt her first day. But he also took the time to meet her pace. Weird duality.
‘Are you okay?’ Mel adjusted her glasses, making sure to keep her voice low. Not wanting to add to the no doubt spiralling rumour mill Dr Langdon was facing. It was very... brave of him to come back. She wasn’t entirely sure but Mel didn’t think him coming back to the hospital where he was exposed was the typical choice. It took a lot. He shook his head, eyes squeezing shut.
‘Louie didn’t make it.’
Mel’s jaw dropped. Yes, she understood the impacts of long term alcohol abuse. And he was end stage but he’d been in such a good mood. His usual self. Nothing phased Louie. ‘What?’
Langdon turned to face her, but stared somewhere over her shoulder. One hand dug into his hair. The other slipping off his new bracelet. Thumbing it through his fingers. Dark beads blurring into one band. ‘Referred tooth pain.’ His other hand dropped. For once he didn’t try to meet Mel’s gaze. Thinking back over the case. ‘I’d asked for him to be on a chest monitor, didn’t get it, he kept taking off his pulse ox. Cardiac arrest.’ Dr Langdon bit back emotion. Voice cracking with the effort it was taking. ‘Nothing worked. Just had to be today. Just had to be Louie.’
Dr Langdon’s arrestingly bright blue eyes finally met hers. They shifted to the side as though he was debating something. Something bad. ‘Last year. Your first day?’ Mel nodded, like she’d forgot anything about that day. Louie with his sky high alcohol blood level. A level that would have killed most. How awful for Dr Langdon to be faced with this from jump. ‘I stole his meds Mel.’
That wasn’t unexpected. Librium. Whitaker. It all made sense. Mel got immediately how exactly Whitaker overstepped. Understandable maybe, unprofessional and unsupportive: definitely. Dr Langdon’s admission of self medicating, trying to go about the impossible with no support. She’d understood. ‘You told him.’
That got a reaction. His face cycling through her frank commentary. ‘Y-yeah. You’re not surprised? By any of it?’
Mel glanced at her phone. Nothing. She shoved the offensively quiet item in her pocket. ‘You told me you tried to treat yourself. And we all know Louie never finished his scripts.’
So much unsaid.
‘I’m sorry he didn’t make it. Really. He was such a sweet man.’ Mel smiled sadly. Never an angry drunk. Cheerful and apologetic. Always seemed to enjoy her company. A shared interest in history.
‘No bigger life at the party.’ Dr Langdon shook his head again. ‘If I was a religious man I would say it was divine retribution. Today of all days.’
‘There is a nun with gonorrhea in her eye inside if you need a referral?’ Mel jerked her thumb at the Pitt. He twisted following her movement. As though expecting the nun to appear.
He turned back his face twisted into scepticism. ‘Is that a joke?’ Mel shook her head. Langdon held up both his hand. Mouth twitching a little. ‘You’re telling me... that there is a nun in there... with an STD in her eye?’ Mel nodded. ‘Holy fucking shit. Mark of Cain perhaps?’
‘Don’t remember that being a gram-neg diplococcus. Would have made bible school much more interesting.’ Mel remarked. Dr Langdon snorted. A giggle escaped her lips. So completely inappropriate. But needed.
Her phone buzzed. Mel scrambled to get it out. Nothing. Phantom vibration. Fear spiked again. Fuck. Where was she? Why wasn’t she answering her phone. Her teeth dug into her inner lip, damn near drawing blood. ‘Your sister? Becca?’ How, why did he remember that? ‘She not answering? And I’m guessing that’s not typical for either of you.’
Like earlier she was thrown by him. It was ten months and he remembered her sisters name. A name she’d mentioned maybe 4 times? 10 months and he remembered. ‘No. I-I call her at the same time everyday. So she knows I’m okay.’
His eyes narrowed a little. Yes there was a reason that Mel always called. A sad story. But it seemed he understood that she didn’t want to talk about that. His jaw loosened a little, eyes drifting into the middle distance. Mel stared at her phone. Willing it to ring. Praying.
‘She stays in a centre right? Have you tried them?’ It was so obvious. Mel couldn’t stop the tears. So completely overwhelmed. Why hadn’t she thought of that. ‘Hey hey it’s okay. Just breathe. What’s the name of the centre?’ One hand on her elbow. The tears were almost scorching on her cheeks. ‘Mel, it’s okay, you’re okay.’
‘B-briarwood.’ He squeezed her elbow reassuringly. Though he didn’t let go of her. Just slipped out his phone and searched the centre on his phone. He leaned his head down to meet her watery gaze. Mel scrubbed furiously at her face. But the tears flowed unchecked. She needed to hear her sisters voice. Anything. Just so she had one less thing to focus on.
‘Hi, my name is Frank Langdon, I’m just calling on behalf of a friend of mine. She’s having issues getting through to her sister – a resident with you. Becca King?’ Langdon hmm’d and nodded. ‘Yeah yeah I know, HIPAA. And I’m not on the list. I’m with Mel, can I put you on speaker?’ She hadn’t even noticed but Langdon had moved them further away. So carefully and gently that she’d not even noticed walking. Still within earshot of the Pitt. Dana would be able to get them easily. But hidden enough that people missed the pair.
‘Dr King?’ Rachel, the Briarwood administrator voice called out.
Mel had to clear her throat a couple of times. ‘Yes. Hi Rachel. Becca’s not been answering her phone. It’s not like her at all. Just want to check in.’
Rachel ever the calm and lovely professional took it in stride. ‘No problem. Could I get the passcode please?’
‘Jovie.’ Langdon twitched with recognition next to her. Mel hoped it wasn’t snide. She didn’t think so. But reading people wasn’t her skill set. Some people called him an asshole when he was gone. But none of the nurses ever did. That said a lot.
‘Fantastic. Okaaaaay one moment.’ Mel’s gut clenched as they waited. There was a weird but lovely pressure was along her lower back. ‘Ah. Yes Becca is on the Carnegie Science Centre trip – there’s a lovely event on today for July 4th. I will get in contact with the team leads and get them to contact you shortly. Do you want to add another emergency contact. Frank Langdon maybe?’
Mel choked. Langdon looked at her strangely. Not a bad strange. Just a strange way she had never seen before. From anyone. ‘N-no it’s fine. Thanks’
‘No problem. Dr King – but again we do prefer having at least one additional contact for emergencies. I’ll get in touch with you as soon as I can.’
The fear hadn’t left her. It just felt more contained. Like she could park it better. ‘Can’t believe I didn't think of that.’
It was Langdon’s hand against her back. Warm, steady, reassuring. Somehow steadying her immediately. He patted her back soothingly. ‘Fear makes idiots of us all Mel. You can’t think clearly and you do the dumbest shit.’ His hip bumped against hers, but his eyes were sad. ‘Trust me. I know.’ His gaze moved to the ambulance bay doors. Robby throwing something into the nearest bin with all his bodily strength. Mel flinched at the heavy clang of metal ricocheting of metal. He looked so angry. Loosing a patient was hard.
‘I said some unforgivable shit to Robby. My last day. Fear. Does weird things.’
Mel watched Langdon, watching their attending, pain and guilt evident. ‘You’ll get there.’ Mel wasn’t sure why she was so sure. But they’d figure it out. Langdon and Robby – everyone agreed they worked brilliantly together. Mel hoped she got to see for real.
‘Thanks Mel.’ He hadn’t moved his hand. But he sounded less sad. Like maybe he believed her, just a little. ‘What else is going on with you? I know the Becca scare is a lot, but you’re...’ His lips twisted pensively. ‘I know I’ve only known you for like a shift but you seem... distracted. And that was before this.’ He pointed at her still quiet phone.
People weren’t talking about it. That was good. She guessed. Or people were avoiding him. Which she hoped not. Mel didn’t believe it was the case. She’d seen more than a few people quick to reach out to him. People talking about how great it was he was back. They needed experienced doctors. More teachers.
Mel hummed a little. Hands clenching into fists. He didn’t force it. Just waited. Why did it feel like she was letting him down by admitting what was happening today. ‘Ammm yeah. I have a deposition at 3.’
Langdon actually blinked. Rapidly blinked. ‘Sorry I misheard, you can’t have said deposition.’
‘I’ve been named in a mel- malpractice law suit.’ Damnit Santos. Mel prayed that nickname didn’t stick. It was horrible. Langdon turned to face her fully.
‘Fuck. No wonder you’re having a bad day. Shit that sucks.’ And that was it. No instant reassurance it’d be okay. No stats about 9 out of 10. Or his own cases, if there were any. Just empathy. She waited but he just looked at her. Waiting for her.
‘Thank you!’ The surprise on his face was almost comical. Shocked by her relief. Mel tried to contain her tears again. ‘Everyone’s just told me I’m going to be okay. But they don’t know. How could they? Any thing could go wrong. I know being honest can be a huge detriment in legal proceedings. And I’m the worst kind of honest. I’ve seen things go horribly wrong-’ Too much she’d said too much. Her fucked up past, fucking her up again. Her voice cut out as the emotions surged.
‘Just take a breathe for me okay.’ He rubbed at her back soothingly again. In a slow rhythm, mimicking the breathing rate he wanted her to take. ‘You’re okay. Just outside. In the way too warm air. With the Pitts Fuckup of the year.’
The insult jolted her out of her spiral. Staring up at him in confusion. ‘Joke?’ It wasn’t as clear as earlier. Some dark note in his voice.
He winced overly dramatically at her. ‘Half joking.’ Mel frowned at him. ‘Not a fan of self deprecating humour?’
‘Not of people being unfair to themselves.’
Langdon’s smile was bright. ‘You always see the best in people. That’s a good quality to have.’ The quip about himself sat on the tip of his tongue. She could see him fighting it back. ‘Which is why it’s so fucking unfair you’re caught up in a malpractice suit. Been there. It’s terrible lonely place to be. Even if you did everything right.’
Mel nodded. Langdon sighed deeply. ‘The odds are in your favour. Everyone is right about that. But it’s easy to say it. Way easier to just say it. Being in it? Doesn’t matter about the odds. Fear. Makes even the smartest of us-’ His eyebrows shot up with a gentle smile. Like he meant her. Ridiculous. ‘into instinctual idiots. And you have responsibilities that hinge on your job. Someone you love. Someone you need to protect. Of course you’re scared. It’s the only rational response.’
‘You think so?’
Langdon nodded. And she believed him. Implicitly. ‘You care. You care about the work, about the patients. I don’t need to know the details to know you did your absolute best for that patient.’
‘I thought you weren’t a religious man.’ Mel internally winced as the words left his mouth. Why did she try to be funny. She sucked at funny.
The relief as he chuckled helped with her stress immensely. He got it. ‘I’m not...?’ The question waited.
‘It’s a lot of faith in a person you barely know.’ This wasn’t a joke. Somehow she felt like he trusted her. As much as she trusted him. And she had just as much evidence for her belief. Weird.
Even though it was extremely humid outside. Her braid sticking uncomfortably to her skin. Sweat everywhere. She felt instantly cold as he removed his hand from her back. ‘Well...’ He slipped the bracelet back on over his wrist. ‘Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith.’