Archive of Our Own

Robin doesn’t yet know that soon she’ll face everything she’s been avoiding.

It’s been quite a while since they returned from the Upside Down. Vecna has been defeated, everyone is safe and sound. It seems they can move on. Only Robin can’t imagine how. She hasn’t noticed how her fears, lurking in the subconscious, from time to time get out to reconnoiter before attacking at bedtime, when Robin is disarmed. Any sudden movement or sound has begun to frighten her. She hears the approaching footsteps of obsessive thoughts when she walks or bikes home, because Steve has given her a ride home an inexcusable number of times this week. When Robin gets home, she still doesn’t feel relieved. Robin is afraid to walk down the unlit stairs of her own house, where, logically, she should be safe, but her brain doesn’t think so. It’s a real ordeal for her to leave the room, where every light is on, to plunge into the darkness of the hallway to get some water from the kitchen (dying of thirst would be less painful!), and then she runs back as quickly as possible, as if a demodog is about to grab her leg.

In a dusty attic Robin had to empty out the contents of at least fifteen boxes before she found her old nightlight. It’s a wonder it still works. No, it’s even more surprising that her parents haven’t thrown it away. The pale blue light evokes a carefree time when all monsters were just figments of her imagination. They’re not just a fantasy anymore. Robin reacts to the slightest rustle of a branch outside the window, her eyelids flutter as the headlights of a passing car streak across the ceiling. Waking up in the middle of the night, she can be startled by even the chair holding a third of her wardrobe’s contents, and in her sleep, her heart nearly stops.

Robin has tried all sorts of more or less comfortable places to sleep: the sofa in the living room, the fold-out bed in the kitchen, her parents’ bed while they were away – but even these places have stopped being comfortable.

Except Steve’s house.

Friday is her favorite day of the week, because it means not only a night of laughter and playful fights with popcorn spilled all over the floor, but also the chance to get some decent sleep. In most cases. In fact, she stays over at Steve’s so often that he has even given her a separate guest room in his huge but empty house, where he’s alone for almost three weeks a month. Robin still can’t fall asleep, so she grabs her pillow and blanket and comes to him. If Steve is already asleep, she quietly lies down on the very edge so as not to disturb him. Steve knows Robin will eventually end up in his bed, so he forces himself to stay awake, waiting for her to become angry enough at her insomnia to give up and open the door to his room with an irritated sniff.

Steve tries to talk to her about it. Her condition worries him, and he doesn’t know what else to do to make her feel better. Steve treats her with all the care and softness he can muster, squeezing every ounce of tenderness out of himself. Because Robin deserves it after all the horrors they’ve faced together.

Robin falls asleep back to back with Steve, wearing his sweater over her pajamas – the one he’s worn several times, because she loves inhaling his soothing scent. Robin feels Steve’s presence; she feels warm and even, for a split second, happiness. She still has nightmares and screams loudly, waking up half the neighborhood.

“Robs, Robs, again? Where are you?” Steve’s maternal instincts are somehow stronger than her parents’. And his care, so unobtrusive and all-encompassing, makes her cry, but Robin holds on. He turns to her, freeing her from the tangled sheets, and pulls her close. “Should I bring you anything? Milk and cookies?”

“No. Just stay here.” She understands why the children call him their ‘babysitter’. And at moments like these, Robin feels as if the hole in her chest, formed by a lack of love in childhood, is getting a little smaller.

“I’m always here.” Steve strokes her hand with his fingertips, weightlessly and measuredly. He’s probably already stroked several miles of Robin over all these nights.

“I don’t know why this happens. My brain plays tricks on me almost every day. I guess I’ve been making sarcastic remarks too often, and now I’m going to suffer, because that’s what karma has decided.”

“Don’t talk nonsense.” Steve moves closer to her so that she’s pressed against his side. Robin isn’t much shorter than Steve, but this way she feels small and fragile. And all the flesh of her vulnerability is turned out and exposed. He appreciates it. And she knows Steve will do anything for her if she just mentioned it. “I can turn on the light if you want. Even leave it on all night.”

“You don’t sleep with the lights on.” He’d been up all night because of her once, and then he’d come on shift and yawned behind the counter until Robin sent him to the break room.

“But you do.” Steve says it like he’d figure out how to go to Mars if Robin told him that the only sleeping pill that could help her is sold there.

“No, I need to face fear, otherwise it will consume me completely. I can’t spend my whole life running.” Robin runs from many things. Especially feelings.

“You don’t run, you fight, and that’s not easy. And it takes a long time.” Steve might not be the number one expert on other people's traumas, but he knows from personal experience about the healing process. Back then, in his struggle he had no one, when he desperately needed someone’s company. So he doesn’t want the same to happen to Robin. “I’m right here, don’t be afraid. Do you want me to get my nail bat here?”

“No, if anything happens, I’ll just leave you to be eaten first while I run away.” Steve rolls his eyes at this joke. He knows Robin, stumbling and falling, would be more likely to rush to rescue him.

“Next time, tell me not to give you the keys to my house.” Robin smiles and leans forward, closing her eyes, resting her cheek on his shoulder. It’s a sort of their body language. Steve chuckles and shakes his head, but kisses her forehead. “You know you’re a little rascal, aren’t you?”

“And you have a soft spot for me.”

“Hmm... Were you really the one whining and talking about the law of the boomerang five minutes ago? One more word and you’ll be going to your room.” Steve puts on a serious voice and frowns, imitating Mr. Buckley, then laughs.

“Steve, at this rate I’m definitely going to have nightmares!” Robin tries to hold back a smile, but Steve slyly tickles her. Robin smiles and rolls onto the edge of the bed, ready to retreat. “No, stop!” She raises her hands and surrenders.

“That’s it, that’s it, I won't do it again. It means you are all right that you’re laughing." Steve pats the spot on the bed next to him, and Robin is back in his arms. It feels like home. “Try to sleep, okay?”

“Okay.”

And tonight, she finally sleeps peacefully.

The room is filled with the smell of pizza and laughter. Crumpled maps of Will’s drawn locations and battlefields are scattered across the floor, along with some masterpieces Eddie wrote for today’s D&D session. Dustin has forced Steve to play with them, so Robin, as his best friend, is rooting for him, even though she doesn’t understand who’s playing against whom. For once in a long time, she’s having fun. She’s among her best friends, chatting about anything and everything, drinking soda, confusing which hand holds hers and which holds Steve’s, so she sips from both cans.

She still glances at Nancy out of the corner of her eye every now and then. Jonathan is saying something obviously funny to her. Is this really better than Robin’s jokes? No way! But Nancy giggles. Robin stares too long, until her pupils go blurry, and doesn’t notice that Nancy is looking at her too. Robin shudders, and she’s sure she looks ridiculous, because her cheeks flushed, but Nancy finds it incredibly amusing.

And Nancy smiles at her. For real. With those special wrinkles around her eyes. For Robin it's like looking at the sun. Blindingly painful, with silhouettes imprinted on the retina that don’t disappear until you blink them away. Her afterimage is etched into her eyelids.

A few days before...

Evening. The long working day is finally coming to an end. The last client leaves Family video. Steve arranges the films on the shelves in their places, and Robin rewinds the tapes. No rush, in fifteen minutes they can close. Robin is haunted by her thoughts, and if she asks Steve this fateful question now, then there will be no turning back. She has three reasons to do it! Firstly, Steve is her best friend, and he will definitely understand her. He is generally rather understandable. Secondly, when did she pass before difficulties? Okay, she admits, it’s happened a couple of times. But not now. Thirdly, Robin can no longer bear this electrifying tension within her. It was urgent to share this charge with someone.

“Steve, how would you feel about that... if someone started dating your ex?” She says so quickly that she swallows half the letters. Steve has long learned to understand Robin when her brain thinks at supersonic speed.

“What are these sudden questions of dubious content?” He puts the stack of tapes aside and approaches the counter where Robin is standing.

“I just asked!” Alarmed, she sits on a chair so as not to stagger on trembling legs. “You may not answer.”

“Since you are so interested, then... I wouldn’t care. What is in the past is in the past. We are all seekers of happiness. I have no right to obstruct other people's feelings that do not concern me.”

“It’s... wise. Thank you for the answer.”

“So who is she?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, don’t pretend it’s all your theoretical curiosity. Who've you got your eye on, Buckley?” Steve makes fun of her and shoves her with his elbow a couple of times, but as soon as he sees that Robin has drooped, he sits next to her. “Hey, sorry, I didn’t think it was that serious. Really serious-serious? I’ll wait until you're ready to share with me.”

“It’s... ance…” Robin mumbles indistinctly and covers the face with her hands. She can’t cry, no. The situation is already absurdly stupid.

“What? Are you speaking French again? I don't understand, Robs.” He leans towards her to see her face.

“It’s Nancy!”

“Nancy?” To say Steve is surprised is an understatement.

“Just don’t laugh.” Her voice is on the verge of collapse, filled with despair. “And don’t be mad. Please.”

“When was I mad at you?” Steve asks, a little offended.

“What if I don't know something about you? Admitting to you that I’m a lesbian was easier than that.”

“No, I’m not angry in any way, Robin. Thank you for sharing with me, I would love to help you, but... You know she's dating Jonathan?”

“Of course I know! Therefore, I say that it is meaningless. Why, Steve... why-y…” Robin repeatedly bangs her head against the counter until Steve puts his hand on her forehead to stop this act of violence.

“You can’t order your heart, Robin, no matter how unpleasant it is to admit it. It also seemed to me that this pain would not go anywhere, but time passed, and here I am, walking proof that everything is bearable. I know that it’s a poor consolation. But you can survive it. There are still many girls around who dream of the beauty and genius of Robin Buckley, I’m sure." He tugs at her shoulder encouragingly. “How long ago did you realize that you had feelings for her?”

“Beginning from… the investigation in the library?..” Robin pronounces quietly.

“And you were silent!?”

“I understood she was a forbidden fruit but I couldn’t help myself. Everything is even worse than it was with Tammy Thompson! Nancy did something about my affection. She often comes here, but I don’t even know why! At first I thought she had feelings for you again.”

“You what!?” Now Steve is even more surprised.

“It doesn’t matter anymore! But after a few weeks of observation, I realized that she comes here, even when the shift is only with me, without you.”

“Is she coming to chat with you?”

“Apparently? She rarely takes films, or brings them barely watched. Nancy suggested going shopping and walking, but... I refuse her. Constantly. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong and ruin it. I’m breaking everything all the time.”

“It’s not true, three vases out of four are still alive in my house.” Steve jokes and Robin finally smiles. “And it’s no surprise you’ve fallen in love. The situation is incomprehensible. My opinion is she's trying to make friends with you.”

“Remember when we were looking for Eddie, the compass wasn’t working then, she told me about their relationship with Jonathan. I thought that I should mind my own business and that she would not want to talk to me anymore, but Nancy looked worried. We talked, and she suddenly asked if we were friends with her. And I said, God, how officially it sounded, yes. I still wonder why she needs me.” Steve sees Robin nervously twisting the ring on her thumb, so he takes her hands in his own and sits on the box next to Robin, ridiculously tightening his long legs.

“She doesn’t have many friends. Don’t ignore her, okay? If it is insufferable for you, express everything as it is, I think she will understand. You’re my best friend, Robin. But she is not a stranger to me either. I don’t want any of you to be hurt.”

“No, I wasn’t going to push her away. I can’t do that.” Robin leans over and places her chin on Steve's head. Maybe that way her tears won't be visible.

‘I’ll get over it and let it go.’ Robin promises herself mentally.

“Steve, bring the d12 dice. Oh, and that forest map, it may be useful!” Eddie says, sorting the sheets with the plot and simultaneously correcting something in them.

“No! Then he will miss everything and cease to understand anything at all!” Dustin protests.

“I’ll get it.” Robin puts two cans of Coke on the table and stands up. “Where are they?”

“In the pantry. The dice is in a box with others, you can bring them all. And the green card is very big.” Steve explains.

“I’ll go and fetch.” Along the way, Robin thinks how strange it is that Eddie keeps all his DnD stuff in Steve’s house... She will definitely need to talk to him about this at one of their sleepovers. The perfect secret for telling under the blanket.

Robin opens the door and hesitantly steps inside. Nothing terrible here, right? But as soon as the door slams behind her with a loud click, apparently due to a draft in the corridor, plunged into darkness, Robin feels something is wrong: she pulls the handle several times, but the door won’t open.

Without panic, Robin, without panic.

Should the lights turn on somewhere here?

Robin frantically drives her hand up the wall, but fails to find the switch. She goes a little further and bumps her head into a lamp. And maybe she is too clumsy and fussy, or the lamp hangs by the eyelids, but finding out the reason does not save from mistakes. She hastily pulls the chain and after a second hears the light bulb breaking and the plastic lampshade scrolling several times like a spinning top before stopping. Robin takes a few careful steps into the corner, hoping that the glass has not scattered all over the floor, but steps directly on the shard, which digs into her leg. She stumbles and bumps her shoulder into a rack, some things fall to the floor with a crash. Is she supposed to have found the dice?

It's just ridiculous.

Robin sits down on the floor, first brushing aside small debris and shards with her hand. Panic grips her, as if the walls are squeezing around her in a tight tangle of fear, in the epicenter of which she suffocates. It hurts. The shard is large and sharp, dug deep. It is probably even good that there was only one light bulb here, because Robin would definitely not want to see what has happened to her leg.

She has a tetanus vaccine, right..?

Robin embraces her knees, trying to take up as little space as possible. She always wants to shrink when it’s scary, wants someone to take her in the palm and put her in a chest pocket, closer to her heart. Tears involuntarily begin to flow from her eyes. Why is all this happening to her? If everyone gets what they deserve in this life, then someone has framed her. Robin thinks about how long she has to sit here until someone notices her absence. If they notice at all. Not that she considers herself an outsider in this company, but... In truth, she was not as important as, for example, Steve or Mike?

‘Your friends can easily dispense with you.’ The insinuating voice of her thoughts echoes, waking up in the darkness of the night and of her subconscious. And the saddest thing is that Robin somehow agrees with it.

Nancy looks around the room for a freckled face or a light-haired crown. Object is not found. She must have gone somewhere. Nancy doesn’t deny that she enjoys watching Robin, it’s... cute, all her embarrassment and awkwardness. Something has definitely happened between them. Flashed for a split second. Something that makes Nancy not sleep at night, but only think, think and think.

Only now Robin and Steve are glued so that they cannot tear themselves away from each other. They have one plate for two, and not only a plate, maybe even a shared brain cell. He eats her olives, and she eats his tomatoes, and Robin, with her slightly greasy hand after pizza, looks for his hand under the table, simultaneously wiping it on Steve’s jeans. They hold hands until Robin’s palm burns with heat and sweats. And she’ll wipe it again.

Nancy goes to the kitchen, but it’s empty. There’s nobody in the toilet either. She decides to look into the rooms. What if Robin felt bad or something else happened? Opening another door, she falls into a little stupor when she sees that the guest room is obviously occupied. The bed is not made, more precisely, there is no blanket and pillow at all, there are several women’s T-shirts in the laundry basket, and some little things are scattered on the table.

Does Robin live here?

Robin never talks too much about her life or family and doesn’t complain about what is happening with her. Can’t everything be so bad? Why didn’t she tell her, they are friends... At least Nancy wants to think so.

Nancy moves on, and it was a mistake to go into Steve’s room. There is something familiar, painfully unpleasant in this. From archives of old memories. She does not find Robin, but realizes where the pillow and blanket from the guest room have gone. The pajamas carelessly thrown on the bed clearly don’t belong to Steve. There’s a framed photo of Steve hugging and laughing with Robin. It’s definitely more snugly here. Robin’s sundries have made everything so alive.

Now Nancy definitely has no doubt that Robin and Steve are dating.

“Steve, where’s Robin? I can't find her anywhere.” Nancy asks Steve, returning to the living room, her search isn’t crowned with success.

“We sent her to fetch another map and some extra dice from the pantry.” Eddie answers. “She’s been gone for quite a while.”

“Damn it!” Steve jumps up from the chair. “I forgot to tell her the door sticks.” He runs down the hallway and nearly rips the door off its hinges as he tugs at it several times before it opens.

“Robin!” They stand and look at the whole mess that happened in less than ten minutes. Everything is on the floor, including Robin.

“What happened? Oh my God, where did that blood come from?” Nancy looks at the crimson footprint on the carpet. Robin’s sock is soaked in blood, and a shiny shard of glass protrudes from her foot. “Your leg…”

“Steve, there’s... glass everywhere.” Robin’s voice cracks with every word. Steve picks up the broom, quickly sweeps the glass out of the way to reach her, and squats down next to her.

“Robin, quiet, baby. Don’t cry, we’re all here. I’m here, look at me.” Steve brushes the hair that’s fallen across her face and places his huge hands on her cheeks, brushing away the tears with his thumbs. “I’m sorry, Robin, I’m so sorry... It’s my fault I have forgotten to warn you.”

“No, Steve, you…” Robin’s body feels so tiny as she trembles. She tries to speak, but a lump of sobbing catches in her throat. “It’s not your fault, really.” She speaks, and every word is interrupted by a ragged, hiccup-like breath.

“Breathe, breathe, Robin. Come here.” Steve picks her up as if she were his most precious possession. He knows full well that the more he repeats her name, the faster she comes to her senses, returning to reality. “Clear the way.” Steve is stern, but not irritated. He carries Robin to the bathroom. He’s also shaking at the thought of not being able to protect her.

Nancy follows them and, for some reason, catches herself thinking that she wishes Robin would cuddle up to her like this, not Steve, hugging with her nose buried in the crook of his neck.

Who is she kidding? She doesn’t have enough strength to pick Robin up.

She had the courage to protect her from demodogs and bats.

But not to admit her feelings.

Not even to herself.

Stupid.

Nancy pinches the soft spot of her elbow twice. What is she thinking about? Robin has just had a panic attack, and Nancy can’t get over the fact that someone cares for Robin better than she does.

No, Nancy isn’t blind. She sees the tender affection Steve has for Robin: the way he casually touches her at every opportunity he can (and when there’s not such an opportunity, he does everything to make it happen!), gives her his jacket when it’s a little chilly outside, but not too cold, and generally, she often sees her clearly wearing his clothes. And Nancy would be lying if she said Robin didn't look good in Steve’s jeans. What’s that fashion called... ‘Boyfriend jeans’? Nancy would happily wear Robin’s jeans, no matter how shabby and unfashionable they looked with three or four cuffs.

Yes, she remembers what Robin told her in the library. And, most likely, someone simply added one more line to “P” to turn it into “R”. Platonic became romantic. Such things constantly happen. And it's not bad. Someone has to maintain the balance of loneliness in the universe, right? She’s no stranger to shouldering the weight of responsibility, especially when the fate of the entire world depends on it.

A fitting mission for the elder Wheeler.

She sees Steve’s hands shake a little as he puts Robin on the edge of the bathtub. The last time she saw him like this... she cannot remember immediately. Probably in the Upside down when Eddie nearly died. She puts her hand on Steve’s back in a supportive gesture.

First of all, Robin, and only then Nancy will deal with her feelings.

“Get a first aid kit, I’ll stay with her. And don’t worry, she’ll be fine.” Steve is lost for a few seconds, but nods and hurries for the kit. The children crowd in the doorway, and Nancy frowns. “Nothing to see, go all down. Eddie, take them.” She assumes that Robin does not want anyone to see her in this state, so she closes the door.

“Let me see. I promise I’ll be careful.” Nancy sits on a chair and takes Robin by the ankle, it makes her shudder. Nancy strokes the bone on her leg in circles to calm Robin. She lays her foot on her lap, carefully removes her sock and throws it into the bathroom. Robin winces in pain.

“Sorry. Very painful?”

“No, tolerable, but not pleasant.” Robin looks like a hunted down doe that a hunter has pointed a gun at. The bullet went through. The eyelashes stuck together from tears, and her eyes became red and swollen. Robin rubs them and smears black strips of mascara across her face. She, slouching, looks at her stained hands and sighs. Robin can’t even get up to clean herself up. “Nance, do I look very bad?”

‘Nance.’ Responds with goosebumps. Nobody calls her that except Robin. Sometimes Steve, but it sounds... in a different way.

“No, not at all! It’s not important now.” Nancy tries to speak softly, and she still holds Robin by the ankle. Footsteps are heard in the hallway and Steve stops in front of the door, his shadow is visible through the gap. Nancy thinks he’s bracing himself so that he doesn’t look like he’s more scared than Robin herself. In fact, he just doesn’t want to spoil Robin’s special moment alone with Nancy. “Why doesn’t he come in?”

“I don’t know, maybe he’s a vampire and he needs an invitation?” Shrugs Robin.

She’s joking, it’s better.

“Steve, we know you're standing there, come in!” Nancy shouts, smiling at Robin.

“I’ve brought everything we need. What should I do?” He hands Nancy a first-aid kit and tweezers.

“Sit down with me, Steve.” Robin reaches for him like a child who asks to pick him up.

“Yes, of course.” Steve gets closer and stands by her side.

“Get ready, Robin. I'll try to do it quickly.” Nancy picks up the tweezers and examines the wound. Steve feels Robin strain, so he strokes her hair so that she can relax a little. Nancy wipes her leg with an antiseptic, and Robin hisses. “I know, it pinches, be patient, please. You are well done.”

Robin does not know what is worse - the pain in her leg or in the heart caused by Nancy’s killing care for her.

Nancy stretches the edges of the wound to grab the fragment with the tweezers. And when she manages to pick it up, she pulls it out in one motion. She does not look directly at Robin as she processes the wound and applies a bandage, but with her side vision, Nancy notices Robin quickly brushing a lone tear off her cheek.

“That’s all.” Nancy ties a bandage with a small bow on top, and then lowers her leg.

“Thanks. Both of you.” Robin tries to get up without leaning on her foot. Steve holds her so that she does not fall. “I’d like to wash off my makeup. What’s left of it.”

“This bathroom is too cramped for three people anyway.” Steve says, releasing Robin. Nancy thinks this is a hint that she needs to leave, but instead of it, Steve leaves them alone.

“Let me help you.” Nancy puts her shoulder to Robin, and she leans. Nancy holds tall but fragile Robin, as Atlas holds the vault of heaven. Robin’s eyes are really the color of the sky, the dome of which is about to fall on her head.…If it hasn’t already fallen. Robin stands on one leg in front of the sink, swaying a little, and Nancy puts the hands on her waist, on her protruding ribs and pounding heart, where Nancy belongs. She would like to curl up like a cat on a heater and stay there, preferably forever.

“You can step on.” Nancy slides her foot under Robin’s, which she tucks away without touching the cold tile floor, and Robin steps, a little hesitantly. Only with a sock. She carefully shifts her weight onto Nancy. Robin feels Nancy’s muscles tense as she tries to keep their balance.

Frighteningly close.

“Thanks.” Nancy doesn’t say anything, just smiles and nods. Robin turns on the water and bends down to wash her face. The wheat-colored hair falls in two sides, and Nancy slides her hand down her spine, from the small of her back to her neck, gathering it with her free hand. Robin feels a light touch of fingers, and she gets goosebumps. The water is not cold enough to hide her blush. She looks up, and their gazes meet in the mirror.

Robin swears that she is about to faint.

“Do you want to lie down? I will walk you out.” Nancy suggests. It wouldn’t hurt for Robin to assume any static position, because she’s swelling and melting like a marshmallow over a campfire.

“Yes, thank you.” Robin speaks quietly, because it feels like a dream that could crumble with one word spoken too loudly. She and Nancy Wheeler, who holds her too low by the waist and hugs her. She couldn’t have imagined such a thing. They leave the bathroom and walk down the hallway. Robin hesitates deciding which room to go to, because her blanket and pillow are in Steve’s room, and if Nancy starts looking for them, she’ll end up there anyway. Robin can only hope Nancy won’t think anything wrong. “This way.”

Nancy tries not to reveal that she’s been here before. She looks around as if for the first time, turns on the light, and then leads Robin to the bed. Robin sits up and haphazardly folds her pajamas, then stuffs them under her pillow.

‘Damn it. Please don’t ask anything. No, ask and I’ll answer, don’t jump to conclusions in your head. It’s all wrong, it’s all wrong!’ Robin’s insides are screaming, and her thoughts are so deafening that Nancy has to shake her shoulder.

“Robin, I am asking you one more time, do you need anything?” Nancy leans over her, her cascading chestnut curls tickling Robin’s forehead, who blinks several times, her mouth hanging open stupidly.

“N-no.” Robin knows she’s teetering on the edge of a knife. She needs to think of something fast. “Call Steve. Please.”

‘Well done, Robin. You are a genius. Just the height of genius.’ Robin is ready to beat herself up. Twice. No. Four times.

“Oh, yes, of course.” Nancy looked visibly flustered, probably even upset, but quickly pulled herself together and smiled tensely.

When Nancy disappeared through the door, Robin collapsed backward onto the bed, covering her face with her hands. Total crap. It couldn’t be worse…

“Nancy said you called me.” Steve closes the door and lies down next to her, turning to her. “Are you okay? I was so scared. I am so sorry for–”

“Harrington. I’ll hit you if you apologize one more time. I’m okay.” Robin huffs in displeasure, but then realizes how rude her tone has sounded. The worst thing she can do is snap at Steve. “I have told you it isn’t your fault. Don’t you know that things like this happen to me all the time? That’s the price of being Robin Buckley.”

“Want a hug?” Steve asks timidly.

“With you – always.” And this hug was equally necessary for both Steve and Robin. Steve squeezes her so tightly that her bones almost crack, but she doesn't object. “I’ve decided that… Maybe I should talk with Nancy. About me.” Just this morning, Robin couldn’t have imagined that everything would be decided today. Literally everything.

“Do you have a plan?”

“Improvisation is my strong suit.”

“Why did you tell her to call me then? You could have talked to her here. Without prying eyes.”

“Without prying eyes? Is that what you call a living room full of children? And Jonathan, especially. I can't stand it, their presence in the same space with me is oppressive. And first of all, I needed to talk to you!”

“So you want you and Nancy to be vacuum-packed?” Robin can't tell if Steve’s tone is joking or thoughtful, and he's actually on to something.

“Steve!”

“Are your parents at home?”

“No, when something happens in my life, they are never at home.”

“Then you could… I don't know, ask Nancy to drive you home. You can talk while you’re driving.”

“So that we crash into something? Yes, then there won’t be any problems at all. Or Nancy would just open the car door and throw me the hell out at under 40 miles an hour, and I’d rock head over heels right home. She won't even have to give me a ride!”

“She wouldn’t do that! Hmm... invite her home?” Easier said than done. “Nothing bad will happen if you suddenly change your mind as the situation unfolds. Today is not the end of the world.”

Not for the world’s population, but for Robin... that’s exactly how it feels.

“It sounds good. Especially the part about changing my mind.” Robin likes this plan. Better than nothing.

“I can’t promise, but I hope everything will be fine.” Steve reassuringly squeezes Robin’s hand.

“Thanks. Will you carry me to the hallway?”

“Of course, princess.” Robin rolls her eyes at Steve’s teasing. He knows exactly what she needs, sometimes even better than Robin herself. He’s someone she can rely on. He will give her the last thing he has. Steve will eat her cereal, which is soaked because she is too enthusiastic about telling him another conspiracy theory about alien experiments on humans. Robin loves it when the cereal is crunchy, and he will make her a new portion. Steve’s hands are terribly dry in winter because he forces Robin to wear his gloves. She leaves hers in the pockets of her other coat. And for Christmas she gives him a hand cream that smells of vanilla and her love. He peels tangerines for her, removing the white partitions that taste bitter, and Robin makes hot chocolate in gratitude.

Robin doesn’t want to think about it, but Steve was ready to give his life for her without hesitation more than once.

She would have done the same for him.

Nancy, hearing footsteps in the hallway, goes out the kitchen to look. Robin sits on a bench while Steve kneels in front of her, helps her put on her sneakers and ties her shoelaces. Nancy can’t deny that they look cute. Robin looks up at her and immediately away.

For Nancy, this is tantamount to Robin not wanting to acknowledge her existence.

Steve stands up and smiles broadly. He’s obviously proud of the neat bows he’s tied, because Robin is admiring them. She barely glanced at the one Nancy had tied around her leg.… It’s just as good, you know.

“Nancy, can you drive Robin home?” Steve knows it took Robin too long to pull herself together before saying that.

“Yes, of course, I’ll just tell Jonathan to bring Mike home later.” Nancy tries to say this as calmly as possible, but her head is in chaos. Why does Steve ask her to drive Robin home instead of doing it himself? Why can’t she stay overnight with him? Or they hide their relationship... There are more and more questions.

The children and Eddie spill out of the living room into the hallway. However, he, too, as they say, relates more to children than to adults. Max is the first to run up to Robin and hangs on her neck.

“I was scared for you.”

“You don’t have to worry so much about me.” Robin strokes Max’s head and fiddles with her braid.

“You are so strong, Robin.” There is genuine admiration in her voice. Robin doesn’t agree with her, but says nothing.

"Sorry for making you worry and ruining the evening." Robin tries to sound confident. She doesn’t want them to see the faint tremor in her hands that hasn’t completely gone away. "Everything is okay now." Max pulls away, but does not let go of Robin completely, continuing to hold on to her hand.

“Robin, we are always there for you, remember?” Will puts his hand on Robin’s shoulder. She was not used to such attention to her.

“Come here.” She opens her arms, and the kids crowd around and hang on to her like she is their possum-mom. “You too, Eddie. I love you all.”

It's all too sentimental and soppy. But not in front of the children. She’ll cry a little later.

After saying goodbye, they leave the house. Steve is still carrying Robin, so Nancy opens the car door for her. Robin is saying something to Steve, and he nods in response. Too fast for Nancy to lip-read, too quiet to hear. She walks around the car, and now she can perfectly make out what those two are talking about, because apparently it’s not such a big secret anymore, and it’s immediately clear to her as soon as she sits in the driver’s seat.

“...love you.” Steve has never had trouble expressing his feelings. Unlike Nancy. Why is it always so difficult for her to say those three words? Or is the reason that every time it just turns out not to be her person? She doesn’t know the answer and wishes someone would toss it to her in the form of a crumpled piece of paper, like a hint during a lesson.

“And I love you.” Robin says, almost in a whisper. Just for Steve. Finally, when Robin releases Steve from her embrace, he leans down to kiss the top of her head, then ruffles her hair with a mischievous grin. And the whole scene looks so intimate that Nancy feels like a third wheel. Awkward. Not for her eyes. Not for her ears.

“Hey, Bobby, be sure to call me, okay? When you come home or... whenever you can.”

“Of course.” Robin smiles nervously, and Steve, forgetting about the low ceiling, bumps his head against it and, pretending to grimace, rubs the bruised spot. “God, dingus, be careful!” Robin laughs almost imperceptibly, and Steve, pleased with this, slams the car door shut. Nancy is sure he did it on purpose. Making people laugh when they are sad is such a Harrington thing.

Nancy starts the car, and they drive onto the empty road.

Several minutes pass in tense silence. Nancy doesn’t know how to behave. She wonders if it was really worth agreeing to drive Robin home. She needs to say something.

“How are you, Robin?”

“Better. Thanks.” Robin hugs her forearms. She’s getting nervous again, and her body shudders from time to time.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were afraid of the dark?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t want to seem pathetic.” Robin looks anywhere but at Nancy. “How... how helpless did I look?”

“What?” Nancy gives Robin a surprised look, the one when she raises her eyebrows and she gets a few wrinkles on her forehead.

“I always felt like I was the weakest link in the team, the kids saw it today. You, Steve, Jonathan, and Eddie are an example to them, and I am…”

“No, why do you ask that?” Nancy slows down and periodically looks at Robin. “You see how much Max loves you, Will, how much they all do!” Nancy tries to sound convincing because it’s true.

“I’m often afraid, if not constantly.”

“Fear is not a reason to consider yourself weak.”

“You are brave, Nancy. I am not.” If she were Robin, Nancy wouldn’t be so sure about that.

“Listen to me, you fought Vecna. You jumped into the lake after Steve when the vines dragged him in the Upside down. You escaped from the Russian base, and before that you got in there, having solved their secret code. You have no right to call yourself weak or cowardly after that.”

“Today I realized once again that I can’t do anything when I’m alone.”

“But that all is…”

“Because I look at you.” Robin pursed her lips when she realized how that sounded. “You don’t know fear. You just do it, like you’ve been preparing for this all your life.”

“I’m scared too, Robin, believe me.”

“And what of?” This question sounded like a challenge to Nancy.

“To lose you!” Nancy stops abruptly. Here Robin will not be able to evade the answer or find a thousand excuses to escape. It’s time to figure it out and close this topic. “I’ve been trying to get closer to you, but lately all you have been doing is pulling me away after we finished the investigation and defeated Vecna. If you don’t like me and you were forced to pretend, just say so.… I thought we were... friends.”

“Nance, I… You are my friend.” Nancy’s tone seems frighteningly stern to Robin. She turned the events in this direction herself. It’s pointless to hide.

“Then why ignore me? Make me guess that something is wrong with me? Do you think I don’t feel lost? Every day, Robin. Every day.”

“It is not because of you. It’s difficult to explain. I had friends at school, but somehow they had people closer and better than me. It’s painful. Maybe it’s my fault, because all I do is yammer and annoy others with it. Including you.”

“You know… After Barb’s death, I could not make friends. So it happened…” Nancy’s voice trails off. She stops at the curb. Nancy looks at her reflection in the side mirror and tries not to blink so that the tears in her eyes don’t flow.

“Nance?” Robin notices how Nancy sighs desperately.

“All these years, I’ve been blaming myself for her death. I want to move on, but I can’t.”

Nancy is definitely crying now. Just a little bit.

“It’s not your fault. You could not predict this would happen. You were teenagers. You have to accept it. Not the best, but the only variant” Robin puts her arms around Nancy’s shoulder. “I knew her. She would never blame you. Believe me, Nance.”

“I’m stuck in the memory of that night. Some part of me is still there, and all sorts of ‘if’s’ are spinning in my head. I’m afraid to forget, I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and not remember her.” Nancy’s shoulders were shaking with silent sobs.

A rough scar with uneven edges of cicatrical tissue will remain on her heart for the rest of her life.

“You won’t forget. And if you forget, there will be those who will remind you. And it will be something good about her! Barb would like you to continue living, to be happy.” Robin says it with such sincerity, the words come from her very soul.

“Sometimes it seems that I never…”

“You can do it. There’s nothing you can’t do. Acceptance is not forgetting. Forgive yourself. Forgive circumstances that no one can influence. She’s a part of you, you haven’t lost her. She is here, with you, and nobody can take that away.” Robin holds Nancy until she pulls away, still clutching her forearms. They are silent for a while, and Robin waits for Nancy to calm down.

“Thank you. That’s what I needed to hear.” Tears are still involuntarily running down her cheeks, but a faint smile appears on Nancy’s face. “I am sorry, Robin, I shouldn’t put pressure on you. You don’t have to tell me that we’re friends, just to make me feel better. And you’re not annoying. The first time we met, I looked down on you. Yes, you talked a lot, but it wasn’t any nonsense, it was good suggestions and ideas. I just couldn’t admit that there was someone smarter than me, and I only saw you as a potential rival.”

“And I thought you were a terrible wimp.” Robin grins, slightly bending down to look Nancy in the eye. Nancy sees the whimsical sparks in Robin’s eyes and doesn’t understand if the light is falling like that, or Robin is crying too. “I am glad that I was wrong.”

“And in the end... we are a good team, right?” Nancy says these words uncertainly, waiting for Robin’s confirmation, and the weight falls off her shoulders when she nods.

“I am sorry too.”

“For what?”

“For ‘Miss Priss’.”

“I knew that you called me that. Considering how I’ve behaved, it's only fair. Partly.”

They laugh. And they almost collide with their foreheads.

“It was embarrassing for me to feel unsuitable for your already established company. I thought that since you have Jonathan and Steve with a bunch of kids, then, as usual, I wouldn’t fit in. With all my oddities.”

“You mean my brother with his friends and my two exes? It couldn’t be weirder.” Nancy shakes her head at the absurdity of what she has said.

“Oh... um... I didn’t know you and Jonathan broke up.” Robin can’t believe her ears. Robin can’t believe her luck. But it’s too early to rejoice, because her breakup with Jonathan doesn’t guarantee success.

“It’s been a while, to be honest. I guess I just didn’t notice that we always dreamed of different things. I don’t even remember us discussing it. When you’re young, you can afford to change your mind every day. When you don’t make plans for the future, don’t know what you want from life – everything is simple. But when you stand at the door to adulthood, it’s time to decide on another metamorphosis: to choose who to be.” Nancy sighs, gripping the steering wheel tighter. “And these changes don’t always coincide. Jonathan is gentle and devoted, but our paths diverge too much. His main concern is Will, and that’s not a bad thing at all. And Steve is very caring, and it warms me to see how much love he’s ready to give. Rest assured, you’re in truly good hands, but you don’t need me to tell you that.”

“Oh, no-no!” Robin blinks in confusion, comprehending Nancy’s words, and then waves her hands in protest. “We are not a thing! We are just friends.”

“Sorry, it seemed to me today… Nothing.” Have her excellent detective skills failed her? Usually Nancy is right ninety-nine percent of the time. Or is Robin so amazing that she has managed to become that one percent?

“It is important, Nancy. You saw the room and noticed everything. It was awkward. I don’t want you to think of anything. Anyone in your place would be confused, but we only sleep together sometimes. No. God, that sounds terrible! No subtext. I have problems sleeping, and I feel comfortable around him. His parents are never at home, and he’s... lonely like me, needing care too, even if he doesn’t show it. I’m still trying to figure out if he’s scared or anxious, because I am. And for him, and for all of you. And these evenings together help to feel a little normal, as if the world wasn’t in danger, and we couldn’t die.” Robin fiddles with the thread on the seam of her T-shirt, and Nancy covers Robin’s hand with her own and squeezes it.

“I understand. Everything is in its place around us, but not inside us. We will never be the same.” Nancy looks at Robin, reading the deep affection in her gaze. Nancy can’t tell if it’s caused by their conversation about Steve or by her actions.

“It’s strange, but Steve and I like a family? We need each other. I’m his seventh child. After our coming back from the Upside down, I was not myself, I couldn’t take care of myself. I cried for days, I shook constantly, I did not sleep for several nights in a row, it was even worse than after the torture in ‘Starcourt’. Steve was literally torn between my house and Eddie’s hospital room, spending days with him and sleepless nights with me. I owe him a lot.”

“He always puts others before himself.” Nancy strokes Robin’s palm.

“Steven Harrington the Noble, or whatever Eddie called him.”

“Exactly.” Nancy looks in the mirror, removing the leaking shadows with her finger. “Okay, let me take you home before Steve reports us missing.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already done that and made everyone call hospitals and morgues.”

“We should talk to each other more often.” Nancy says, hoping to learn something more about Robin this evening.

They drive up to Robin’s house. Robin feels more and more anxious, as if she and Nancy are sitting inside a huge grand piano, the strings of which are about to burst from tension. Robin is not ashamed of her home, at least she tries to convince herself of that. It’s small, probably not super clean, because she didn’t expect guests, and her room is a mess.

Robin has already mentally prepared to embarrass herself in front of Miss Perfect.

She imagines Nancy evaluating every speck of dust on the shelf that she hasn’t wiped in two weeks, a stain on the carpet, a fingerprint on the mirror, every uneven corner of the wall, because Nancy has the most accurate eye, and every object that, in her opinion, should have been in its place. Robin obviously doesn’t know these places. Stupid, of course. Nancy is her friend, not the health inspector.

She waits humbly until Nancy turns off the engine and comes up to her, because her leg still hurts, and Robin is unlikely to be able to crawl even to the threshold. Nancy helps her get out of the car and walk a few meters to the porch. Robin feels like she’s been fiddling with the keys for an endless time. It’s not so easy to get a key into the lock when your hands are shaking. If aliens exist, it’s better for them to shoot a laser beam right now: Robin chooses the option of ‘dying on the spot’ rather than burning alive from shame. And Robin is an expert in spontaneous combustion, believe her. Finally, she opens the door and forces herself to smile, gesturing for Nancy to enter first.

“You know I need to help you in, right?” Nancy laughs.

“I just didn’t want to seem rude.” Robin looks down, realizing how she has screwed up.

“That’s nice of you.” Nancy puts her hand on Robin’s waist again and lets go when she sits down on the stool in the hallway. “But I’ll be the gentleman tonight.” Nancy closes the door, and it gets completely dark in the house.

“Nance, turn on the light!” Robin asks. “On your left.”

“One second.” Nancy quickly finds the light switch, and honey-yellow light floods the hallway, illuminating Nancy so that she looks translucent and weightless, like a vision. It’s beautiful, except that the light bulb is energy-efficient.

The hallway smells of burnt popcorn and old books, which Robin usually doesn’t notice, but now, in Nancy’s presence, every little thing seems suspicious. She watches Nancy’s reaction, trying to catch the slightest sign of disapproval, but Nancy just looks around with mild curiosity.

“It’s cozy.” Nancy tells without a trace of falsehood.

“Thanks.” Robin’s voice sounds unnatural, even to herself, because of the stiffness. “Sorry about the mess. I wasn’t planning on inviting anyone here…”

“Don’t worry.” Nancy shrugs it off. “Are we going to sit here, or can I take you to the living room?” Nancy holds out her hand to Robin. Robin looks up at her, and Nancy has a golden halo over her head, like in some kind of mural with Dutch foil. Robin forgets how to breathe, freezes and stares. Damn.

“Yeah. I mean, yes, you can. Into the living room.” Robin babbles and then suddenly grabs Nancy’s hand and pulls it. Nancy does not expect Robin to use her as a support to stand up, so the arm, like any other limb of Nancy, is not tense enough. She loses her balance from the sudden jerk and falls, bracing her arms on either side of Robin, who decides to recoil and hits her head against the wall to avoid a collision. Stars twinkle before Robin’s eyes. Is it from Nancy’s sudden closeness or from the muffled pain in the back of her head?

Robin is definitely going to die today. Insignificant and delighted.

“Robin!” Nancy is fussing, and Robin can’t help but notice the blush on her cheeks. “Did you hit hard?” Nancy puts her hand on Robin’s head, running her fingers through the hair and feeling the bump.

“Never mind. I thought you were more stable.” Robin blinks fast, so that the world before her eyes becomes clear again. “I have a rough day, yeah?”

“And don’t say…” Nancy sighs with an obvious pang of guilt. Robin stands up, leaning against the wall, and Nancy rushes to support her. Robin is even grateful that her house is not as big as Steve’s, otherwise she would have to spend too much time in Nancy’s arms. And it drives her mad. When Nancy gets to the living room, she puts Robin down on the sofa so carefully as if she were holding a baby. The warmth of her fingers lingers for a few more seconds before dissolving like cotton candy on a tongue. Robin likes that tenderness. Nancy is usually suitable for other adjectives: strong, persistent, smart. But tenderness has always slipped away in constant battles when there is no time for it. And here…

“I can make some tea for us, if you tell me where it is?” Nancy offers with care.

“On the top shelf. Choose any you want.” Robin doesn’t refuse, because Nancy will stand her ground anyway. Nancy goes into the kitchen, and Robin can only hear the clink of dishes and her thoughts colliding in her head like icebergs in the ocean. Robin falls on the side, stretching out the leg, and briefly closes her eyes.

“With or without sugar?” Nancy peers out from behind the door, Robin gets up to look at her. She would get used to it quickly. Her cozy Nancy.

“One teaspoon. With a slide.” Robin would like to offer Nancy cookies, but she’s not sure if there’s anything like that in the house. Sometimes it seems that there is absolutely nothing here for her.

A couple of minutes later, Nancy appears with two steaming cups of tea and hands one to Robin. She sits down on the sofa next to her, smoothing the folds of her skirt. All Nancy has to do is stick out her little finger, and she’ll be ready for the queen’s solemn reception. There is a relaxed grace in her movements, she is simply the standard of grace. Robin, on the other hand, consists of too many different things, she has never been something compatible, and Nancy, on her background, is impeccable minimalism, in which there is no place for flaws and something superfluous.

“Nance, you have told me about Steve and Jonathan, but what are you dreaming about?” Robin feels uncomfortable from the oppressive silence. It’s embarrassing to pry into her soul, but today is not the day to talk about trifles. She would like to know more about Nancy. To be honest, she would like to know absolutely everything.

“I want to leave Hawkins, enter Emerson and become a journalist.” Nancy says this so easily and confidently, as if she already has one-way tickets and an enrollment letter.

“Massachusetts, then? Not bad, Wheeler. You are dreaming big.”

“I love Hawkins, but... it’s far from a city of dreams where everything your heart desires comes true.” Nancy literally voices Robin's thoughts.

“That’s right.” Robin nods her head in understanding.

“And you? Do you have a dream?”

“Not as particular as yours but... I wouldn’t mind getting out of this town either. It doesn’t matter for what purpose or where.” Robin gets the idea that Nancy would have agreed to her ‘Croissant’ operation without hesitation.

“We’re more alike than I thought.” Nancy smiles. “We are a good match.” Nancy didn’t want to say it out loud, but the words came out faster than she had time to think.

“You shouldn't say things like that to me.” Of course, Nancy is only joking. When has a romance novel ever appeared on the science fiction shelf at a bookstore? She doesn’t take Robin seriously, and, moreover, would never date a girl. Not after Steve and Jonathan.

“Just kidding.” Nancy makes excuses without any idea what went wrong.

“It’s not funny.” Robin says, putting the cup down on the table with a loud thud.

“I didn’t mean to offend you. I don’t understand–” Nancy reaches out to Robin, but Robin moves even further away.

“Everything is more complicated than you think.” Robin folds her arms over her chest, frowning like a child who hasn’t been given some candy before lunch. She presses herself into the pillow, wishing that the sofa could open its mouth and swallow her into the soft upholstery, and turns away.

“And now you do it again.” Nancy says disappointedly.

“There are things that are difficult to understand and accept.”

“I wish you’d tell me about these things.” Nancy says this irritably, even offended. Her lungs are constricted, and Robin sees that Nancy looks like she wants to say something else. Robin has discovered the gift of providence today. “What’s the problem, Robin?”

“That’s not you.” Robin mutters. She crosses her fingers in the hope that Nancy will break off, but that won't happen because Nancy will get to the truth at any cost.

“Then what?”

Silence releases its needles.

Now or never.

“That I like girls!” Robin covers her head with her hands, trying to ball the legs for some reason, although she would definitely win in close combat, because Nancy does not have a rifle at hand. That’s the end of Robin Buckley. And she has not even kissed a girl in her life! What a waste! Nancy will definitely kick her out the door, and it doesn’t matter that it is Robin’s house.

But nothing like that happens.

“That’s… unexpected.” Nancy tries to hide her trembling. She needs to choose her words more carefully than ever. “I still don’t see the problem, Robin. That doesn’t seem like an excuse for avoiding me. Thank you for trusting me and sharing your secret with me. I’m very–”

“You should have been the last to know about it.” Robin wishes she could say it more softly than she did. It sounds aggressively-dismissive, as if Nancy meant nothing to her. It’s better not to talk at all.

They haven’t heard each other’s real thoughts. Each of the two has understood the meaning of what Robin has said in their own way. Robin has thought to hide her feelings, and what has happened now is tantamount to a confession. Which Nancy has apparently denied. And Nancy... everything is ruined for her. She doesn’t dare to ask any more questions. She picks up her cup from the table, but does not drink, holding it in her hands, trying to warm her cold fingers.

They finish their tea in silence.

While Nancy is washing dishes in the kitchen, Robin decides to go to her room. Climbing the stairs is still a challenge. She rises slowly, holding onto the railing with both hands. Not so unsuccessfully. Robin opens the door to her room and falls on the bed, face into the pillow. She wants to scream, to be torn apart, to feel every capillary in her body burst as she explodes into a supernova. She wants to fret and fume. Robin clenches her fists so tightly that red crescent marks remain on her palms from the nails.

Robin has ruined everything again. She wouldn’t even be surprised if she heard the front door click, because in that situation Robin would have turned around and left herself alone too. Nancy doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. She has taken care of Robin, driven and dragged her home, and made tea. What has she got in return? A bristling back and a wolfish grin. Robin doesn’t remember if she even said ‘thank you’...

‘Smile and everything will be fine. You always do it.’ Nancy says to herself as she washes the cups. ‘Pretend, that nothing has happened.’

Nancy turns off the water and listens. Robin sits suspiciously quiet. Is she really offended..? Nancy doesn’t understand at what point everything has gone wrong. One calculation error causes not just an oscillation, but an earthquake. Nancy’s logic is inundated with debris, and no one is rushing to save her. Why did Robin react like that? Why was there this confession? On the one hand, it’s even good, because now Nancy is sure that Robin might like her. But on the other hand, there are reasons why Robin behaves this way, aren’t there? Nancy needs to figure out.

She goes into the living room, but Robin is no longer there. Nancy is angry with herself that she has not heard Robin go upstairs. How stubborn she is, she can’t step on her foot yet! Of course, Buckley would fall apart if he asked Nancy to support her. But that is exactly the trait Nancy likes. Robin’s character. She is stronger than she thinks, but for some reason she refuses to admit it. Nancy goes up the stairs and enters the door.

“Why didn’t you call me?I would have helped.”

“I wanted to handle this myself.” Robin rolls over and sits on the bed, pressing her back against the headboard.

“First and foremost, I’m here to help you.” Nancy pauses, leaning her hands on the chest of drawers.

“And secondly?”

“To keep you company tonight. I may not be the best conversationalist, but I’m here. I can leave anytime, just say the word.”

“Stay with me.” Robin prays Nancy will take this as an apology.

“Of course.” Nancy smiles faintly. She considers how to remedy the situation and looks around Robin’s room. The walls are covered with posters pilfered from the Family Video warehouse, and stacks of paperbacks and tapes are piled on the floor. Her gaze glides over the dresser, where, among the knick-knacks and a couple of lipsticks, Nancy spots a familiar palette. “Are those my eyeshadows?”

“You left them then and I forgot to return. Take them back.” Robin berates herself for not putting them in the drawer. She likes these eyeshadows. And not just because they are Nancy’s. They genuinely make her feel a little prettier.

“Keep them, they look good on you.”

“How did you–?”

“Do you think I don’t notice when your eyelids are shining?” Nancy’s sly squint and the upturned corners of her lips. Again. Robin can’t stand it.

“Sorry for my tone. I didn’t mean for it to sound so rude.”

“Oh. It’s okay, I am not offended. You said that your mom is always pointing this out, and I don’t want to be another person who does it.” Nancy looks around for a place to sit, as the only chair in the room is cluttered with things. Robin looks around too, but with no other options, she decides to simply move over.

“Sit next to me.” The bed isn’t big, but wide enough that neither of them will fall out. Nancy straightens the covers and sits down, pressing her shoulder against Robin’s. Robin continues. “I do it not out of spite. I can’t control what I say when a defensive reaction is triggered.”

“I know. Is it like a habit?” Nancy’s heart sinks at the thought. Robin has to defend her opinions and personal boundaries too often. Sarcasm has become her weapon, menacing and caustic. But it also has a way of turning into good jokes when she is with friends.

“Yes. My mask for strangers. I feel safe with you, and I can be myself – at least, I try my best. But when I feel uncomfortable, or when I’m asked overly personal questions I’m not ready to answer, I find myself cornered, pressed against the wall. And all I can do is unleash my claws. And today, it wasn’t intentional…” Robin slowly slides down until her head touches the pillow. She lies on her side so she can see Nancy.

“It happens to everyone. But now we’ve found everything out. Without any omissions.” Nancy fidgets, sinking lower to be on the same level as Robin. Despite the fact that Nancy is tiny compared to Robin, she doesn’t know where to put herself in this small space.

“You can lie down.” Robin offers her, moving to the edge to make a little more room, and Nancy lies down on the second pillow next to her.

“Do you want me to stay overnight?” The last time Nancy was at a sleepover was when she was sixteen. It’s unlikely that she and Robin will be painting their nails or taking girly love tests in glossy magazines, but heart-to-heart conversations are definitely on today’s to-do list.

“You don’t have to.” Robin is trying to bicker, even though she clearly wants Nancy to stay. Nancy can swear she has seen Robin’s ears turn red. “I’m not a child, you don’t have to be my babysitter.”

“No objections.”

About half an hour passes, and dusk begins to fall outside the window. The sky is not dark blue yet, but more purple with a strip of pale pink stretching beyond the horizon. There is not a cloud in the sky, which means that the stars will be visible. Robin loves the stars, but you have to look at them in the dark. And that doesn’t suit her.

The room turns dark, and Robin reaches across Nancy to turn on the light. She leans close enough so that Nancy can smell her hair, which is tickling her cheek. The smell of burnt brown sugar, like something nostalgic from childhood, and a warm woody fragrance enshrouding the lungs.

“That’s much better!” Robin flicks the nightlight switch and plops back contentedly. Nancy feels even closer to Robin now. The blue light isn’t blinding, but it's bright enough that Nancy can see every freckle on Robin’s face.

“You have a floor lamp, why do you need a nightlight?” Nancy asks curiously.

“Parents are not particularly happy if they get high electricity bills. When I’m awake at night, I hear my father coming into my room to check if the lights are off. It’s easier for me to buy batteries than to argue about money. But I still get scared, the light is too weak to illuminate the far corners... what if a demogorgon is waiting there?” Robin keeps smiling, and it’s painful to look at her.

“I’m so sorry, Robin.”

“It’s okay, I’m already used to it. I try to go somewhere while my parents are at home and be out of their sight. They don’t really care where I spend the night.”

“You leave your home…” Nancy can’t even bring herself to repeat it.

“Yes.”

“And where do you usually go?” Nancy can’t imagine what it’s like to feel unsafe in your own home. That’s what the home is for!

“To Steve, I even have keys so that I can come whenever I want. Sometimes I spend the night in the Family Video, sleeping in the break room. It’s not the most comfortable place, but better than feeling worthless. I don't have to pay for electricity.” Robin says this as reassuringly as possible, so as not to disturb Nancy with a doubtful answer. “And when I wake up, I am already at work! It saves both time and money.”

“Robin.” Nancy covers Robin’s hand with hers. Nancy’s hands are especially cold today, while Robin’s are scorchingly warm. Their fingers intertwine. Déjà vu. It reminds Nancy of how Robin took her hand before entering the Creel house and told her everything would be okay. And it was.

“Ah?” Robin looks at her wide-eyed, as if Nancy will tell her all the secrets of the world, from the Bermuda Triangle to the first alien sightings.

“It should not be like this.”

“I know... But what can I do?” Robin is overcome with guilt, even though her parents are irresponsible, failing to take proper care of their daughter. “In their opinion, I’m no longer a child to be fussed over. They stopped doing that a long time ago.”

“Everyone needs someone who can take care of them, and not just when necessary. At any time. Even when you don’t ask. By default.” Nancy brushes Robin's bangs aside, where they’ve fallen into her eyes. Robin must have incredibly soft skin, like freshly baked biscuits. “You can rely on me. If you need a place to sleep, come over. The basement is free and suitable for sleepovers. And if my brother plays D&D with anyone in there, I’ll throw him out.”

“Nancy Wheeler is still Nancy Wheeler.” Robin giggles.

“You are not alone. I had problems too after it was over. Constantly uncomfortable. I was almost paranoid, as if someone was watching me. Sometimes I heard my name being called, but no one was there when I turned around. It seemed to me that Vecna was following me. Didn’t he just...” Catch her? Capture the mind? Show the worst possible plot?

“I remember, Nance. I remember. I have something similar too. Someone’s following me. This shadow of fear, attached to my leg, is with me everywhere. But it’s weakening. I want to let it go and live without fear.”

“The worst is over.” And now Nancy feels she has to do the same for Robin. Squeeze her hand. Promise. Reassure. “Everything will be fine.”

“Thank you. You’ll be fine, too.”

The silence doesn’t seem so hostile anymore. Nancy and Robin are lying opposite each other, and Nancy is happy that she has the opportunity to memorize the smallest details. Robin looks sleepy, so she keeps closing her eyes to snooze. She has thin eyelid skin, and the intersections of blue blood vessels are clearly visible, and the three freckles on her nose merge in the shape of a heart, inviting to kiss.

Nancy could be hers... Robin’s. It would be completely different than when Nancy was in a relationship with Steve or Jonathan. At least, she is anticipating it in a very different way. Nancy would do Robin’s makeup sitting on her lap, wearing her T-shirts and longsleeves, which are radically different from Nancy’s style, but fit her as if they were made for her. Nancy was made for Robin, to be with her.

And Robin’s whole world has narrowed down to the size of her room. No, less. To the bed. Up to Nancy’s face in front of her. And it’s real. And Nancy is real. Here, nearby. Like an unfulfilled dream that turned out to be a peppermint drop under the tongue. Too perfect. But tomorrow morning everything will melt again, like clouds burning up under the rays of the sun at dawn.

“Robin, uh... Do you like anyone now?” Nancy isn’t entirely sure what she’s doing, but the circumstances have never seemed so right and fitting as they do now, even though she risks losing everything.

“Well… I guess so.” Robin raises her eyebrows comically, which endears Nancy. “But it’s not mutual, I’m sure.”

“You know, I think I’m in the same situation…” Nancy looks pointedly at Robin. Longer than necessary.

Robin just shrugs in response, then asks. “If you were me, would you confess?”

“Would you if you were me?” Nancy knows she can’t answer a question with a question.

“I asked first.”

Nancy hesitates. “I think so. But I'm not you. My situation is a little... more complicated.”

“Are you unrequitedly in love with Tom Cruise?” Robin grins, playfully punching Nancy in the shoulder.

“In some way… yes.” Nancy looks Robin straight in the eye. Into her piercing blue eyes. This is exactly the paradox of love: the desire to be understood and accepted collides with the fear of being rejected. Nothing depends on you, and every second brings you closer to poetic death from a broken heart.

An awkward silence. It takes Robin less than a fraction of a second to put all the facts together. She looks at the red beret hanging on the back of the chair and seems to understand something. Nancy’s room. An old poster. Tom Cruise. The camouflage suits Robin perfectly. Nancy appreciated it anyway. The puzzle is complete. And this realization makes her head spin, and everything inside turns upside down.

Has Nancy just made a declaration of love?

“Nance?..” Robin says this on an exhale. The whole world is crumbling like an antique mosaic. And the only restorer who can put everything back together is Nancy.

“Sorry. I am sorry, Robin. I’d better leave.” Nancy quickly sits up and moves to the edge of the bed. Dangling her legs, she’s about to stand up, but Robin is quicker and grabs her wrist.

“Do I understand correctly?..” Robin’s voice is hesitant, cautious. One wrong step is enough to fall through the ice. And she’s drowning in waiting. She needs to hear ‘yes' in order to rise to the surface, take a breath and be born again. But Nancy remains silent, pursing her lips, and Robin immediately puts her arm around her waist, pressing her cheek against Nancy’s back.

“No, Robin, no, you don’t have to...” Nancy tries to move away, but Robin holds her even tighter. Robin nuzzles her shoulder, inhaling the floral-musky perfume. She runs her nose over the curve and finally kisses her neck. They become one because goose bumps run from Nancy’s shoulders to Robin’s hands.

Rabies is coursing through her veins. Frightening and mesmerizing.

Nancy freezes, paralyzed. Her body is as still as a marble statue, but her heart is untamed, throbbing wildly in the temples. Nancy is sure that Robin feels it too: face to face with her greatest fear. When it reaches its peak, when it’s so powerful that it feels like it's about to break you, something amazing happens. The fear suddenly recedes, her mind clears, and her soul becomes unusually calm.

All life in the universe is concentrated in this precious second.

“Me too. I love you too.” Robin rests her chin on Nancy’s shoulder, and Nancy has to force herself to turn toward Robin. Close enough to drive her crazy. A perfectly calculated coincidence – they cannot believe that it is happening in real life! Everything around her becomes slightly blurry, as if painted with watercolors. Nancy places her hand on Robin’s cheek, tracing her fingers along her cheekbone. Yes, she is even softer than Nancy imagined. She leans in, and their noses almost touch. Robin leans forward and, without calculating the trajectory, hesitantly kisses Nancy on the corner of her mouth. Her freckles are lost in the blush.

“Can I?..” Nancy puts her hand on the back of Robin’s head, holding her in place because Robin is trembling with anticipation. Her arms move from Nancy’s waist to her shoulders, wrapping around her neck. Robin unconsciously closes her eyes, trusting her instinct, as if she has done this a thousand times before, and allows herself to fully immerse herself in this feeling.

It’s hard to believe this is happening..

Time ceases to exist. Space loses its meaning.

Their lips meet. Awkwardness dissolves in the velvety softness of Nancy’s lips. Her lipstick tastes like milk chocolate. Robin pulls Nancy back, and they both fall onto the bed, laughing softly. Their breathing is ragged, and each breath is shared, because the air in the room is sorely lacking. The feeling is heady, and it makes their heads spin. They don’t rush to deepen the kiss, but simply brush their lips together, like newborn, still-blind kittens, savoring the moment.

Nancy feels Robin smile against her lips.

They both wish this moment could last forever...

After all, it turns out happiness can be palpable.

Robin pins Nancy to the bed with her weight, peppering her cheeks and neck with kisses. Ticklish. Robin teases, not giving Nancy a chance to respond. She giggles and looks Nancy in the eye. Nancy wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Robin told her she could read her mind. They both hold their breath. Nancy wishes she had a camera with a zoom lens, otherwise she could have captured the tiny galaxies in Robin’s adrenaline-dilated pupils.

“If you stop smiling, I'll finally be able to kiss somewhere other than your teeth.” Nancy cups Robin’s face in her hands and pulls her closer, tilting her head to the side. Robin is pliable to Nancy’s touch, resting her head on Nancy’s chest, leaning her whole body against hers.

It is vital for Robin to feel Nancy everywhere, with every millimeter of her skin, under her skin, even if this is impossible, she wants only continuous sensations to remain. Nothing matters but the two of them right now. Robin lives for this moment of intimacy.

“I still can’t believe it.” Robin says it hoarsely, her thoughts are melting, her tongue is slurring, and she can no longer speak in long sentences. She can only look at Nancy. How her eyelashes flutter, her cheeks turn red, her swollen lips shine. “You are amazing, Nance.”

“Just like you.” Nancy kisses Robin again. This time deeper, more sensually. Her lips slide slower than molasses in January. They don’t have to rush – they have all night ahead of them, all the time in the world.

Only for Robin and Nancy.