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1. I've learnt the name of your favourite show before I've learnt how to say goodbye; junior high year one.
The rain started just a bit after the last class. At first, it was just a faint tapping against the windows, a small rain that should have ended before the class did. Astriel didn’t pay much mind to it, glancing once at the grey skies and went back to copying their notes.
Then, the sky opened.
By the time the bell rang, the small rain earlier had turned into this massive downpour.
Astriel stared.
“...fuck my stupid baka life,” they mumbled to themselves. Of course, the one day that they’ve forgotten their umbrella was the day that the gods decided to piss all over the clouds.
Around them, the sound of fabric rustling, zippers opening and chairs scraping filled the room as their classmates began to leave one after another holding their umbrellas and raincoats.
Astriel rummaged through their bag again (as if the umbrella would just magically show up if they did that) before packing his bag with slightly too much force, fingers fumbling on the zipper when it got stuck to the lining.
“Great, just great. I’m gonna have to run home like this, great. I’m gonna slip and fall and crack open my head against the pavement floor and die. Life is lifeslop, life is so lifeslop.”
Her brain decides that it would be helpful to supply her with the mental image of that scenario happening.
"Astriel?" a voice came from behind, startling her.
They looked up, and saw Misumi standing beside them, his red hair slightly messy from the humidity, and a backpack slung over his right shoulder, an umbrella hooked on to the strap.
“Oh,” Astriel said flatly, “It’s you.”
“Wow… what’s got you so pissy?” he giggled, “Wait, let me guess… you forgot to bring an umbrella, right?”
“No,” Astriel said with a deadpan look on his face, “ I just decided to raw-dog the weather today.”
“W-what?” Misumi said, trying to keep his laugh in “t- that is not how you use the phrase??”
“You understood what I was trying to say anyways.”
“I unfortunately did.” he said, reaching into his bag and pulling out another umbrella. “Here, I’ve got a spare.”
Astriel blinked
“Do you just carry two umbrellas with you at all times?” she asked.
“Gotta be prepared for anything you know,” he answered.
Astriel eyed him suspiciously.
“You’re gonna hold this over my head after this, aren’t you?” they questioned.
“No?”
“Like, ‘Ohhhh Astrieeel~, remember that one time I saved you from pneumonia?' or whatever...” they continued.
“Oh, I would never.” he snickered, already smiling like he absolutely would.
Astriel hesitated, since, they’re not exactly… close.
They were classmates, they talked occasionally but that's mostly because Misumi talked to everyone, he has that carefree charm that makes people gravitate towards him.
Astriel did not have that.
Astriel was the type of person to rehearse sentences in their head before eventually fumbling their words out loud.
The type of person that would rather stay inconvenience than to ask for or accept help, all beacsue they're scared of what the others might think.
“I can run,” they said, “It’s fine”
Misumi stared at them.
“It’s pouring,” he said.
“I run fast,” they retorted.
“I literally saw you tripped over a chair yesterday”
“Nuh uh, no you didn’t.”
He laughed, bright and unrestrained, the sound was the only thing echoing through the room, almost covering the sound of the raindrops hitting the windows violently.
“I’ll walk you,” he decided
Astriel froze
“...what?”
“I’ll walk you home,” he repeated.
“Don’t you go back by train?” Astriel asked.
“Yes?”
“My house is like the opposite of the train station,” Astriel explained.
“It’s fine,” he answered.
“No it’s not,” they refuted, “That’s like twenty minutes out of your way.”
Misumi shrugged, “You’ll get sick,” he stated.
“I’m willing to take that risk,” she said.
“I’m not."
Astriel opened their mouth, then closed it, they couldn’t find anything to say, their brain stalled out.
Because there wasn’t any deeper explanation, no calculation, no hesitation, just “I’m not.”
“... you’re weird,” they muttered, looking away.
“Thank you” Misumi beamed.
“That wasn’t supposed to be a complement”
“I choose to take it as one”
Astriel groaned
“Fine,” they conceded.
________
So much for being prepared for anything...
The moment that Misumi tried to open his umbrella, it went flying, leaving only the handle in his hands. Astriel giggled a little when it happened.
They ended up having to share an umbrella. The umbrella was too small, well, of course, it was made to be used by one person in mind.
Which meant they had to stand close to each other, closer than what Astriel was comfortable with, their shoulders nearly touching, arms brushing past each other every few steps as they walked out through the school gate and into the heavy rain.
Astriel became hyper aware of everything.
The warmth that's radiating from Misumi’s arm.
The faint scent of the detergent from his uniform.
The way he angles the umbrella ever so slightly towards her without thinking.
A mantra of 'Don't be weird. Just be normal. Don't be weird. Just be normal.' is repeated in their head as they try not to focus on just about everything.
“You live near the bakery, right?” Misumi asked as they turned into the main road, effectively interrupting her rapid thoughts.
“Yeah,” Astriel answered. “Why? Planning to rob it?”
“No, I'm planning to bomb it”
“Oh!... smiles"
The rain picked up with the sudden wind, the droplets hitting Astriel’s sleeves.
Misumi shifted the umbrella further towards them again, leaving his shoulder even more exposed to the rain.
“You're getting wet,” Astriel commented.
“I'm fine,” he said
“No you're not, your whole shoulder is soaked,” they scowled, hands reaching over to grab the handle to tilt the umbrella back.
“I'm tougher than I look, you know…” he said, resigning to let Astriel do what she wants
“You wear glasses,” they retorted
“That's literally unrelated, no correlation whatsoever...”
“It is spiritually related,”
He laughed again, Astriel’s chest did something uncomfortable. They choose to ignore it.
They walked in silence for a minute.
Not exactly awkward silence, just… quiet.
Then Misumi glanced sideways at them. “You're quiet today,” he commented.
Astriel stiffened instantly.
Was I supposed to talk this whole time? Did I mess up? I really can't do anything right can I?
“Sorry…” they blurred.
He blinked. “For what?”
“F-for— I d-don't know… existing wrong…?” he said, wincing the moment the words came out of their mouth.
“Why would you say that you idiot, should've just left it at sorry oh my god…”
Misumi stopped walking.
Astriel stopped too, nervous.
“You're not existing wrong,” he affirmed.
“...bold claim,”
He tilted his head slightly.
“You think a lot, right?” he asked.
Astriel stared at him.
“…what?”
“Sometimes when you talking to someone, you get this face,” he said, scrunching his face in a terrible imitation.
“You little— that is not how my face looks like,” they scoffed
“It is,” he insisted.
"Shut..." they scowled, shoving his shoulder lightly. “You’re so annoying.”
“But I’m right,” he said.
“…maybe,”
He smiled, less teasing and more soft.
“That’s not a bad thing,” he explained. “Means you notice stuff.”
Astriel swallowed.
Most people didn’t say that.
"It’s... exhausting,” they muttered.
“I bet."
His words were just that simple, No fixing. No dismissing. Just acknowledgement.
Something warm spread under Astriel’s ribs, quick and frightening.
Dangerous, very dangerous.
“You’re... weirdly nice,” they said, looking at anywhere but at him.
“Again, thank you,”
“I am insulting you,”
“I refuse to accept it,” he said, sticking out his tongue.
"You look ridiculous..." they said, huffed a laugh.
________
When they reached Astriel’s street, Misumi stopped walking.
“Alright,” he said. “Delivery successful, I'm such a great deliveryman.”
“I am not a package.” Astriel snarled.
“Well, you are now.”
Astriel hesitated, the rain is still hammering the pavement around them
“…are you really gonna walk all the way back?” they asked quietly.
“Yeah,” he answered.
“That’s stupid."
“Probably"
“…you should've just left me be,” they said. "I would've found a way..."
He shrugged.
“I wanted to make sure you got home safe,” he said, simply, like it was an obvious thing.
Astriel’s chest felt too full.
“…thanks,” they muttered.
They stood there awkwardly for a second under the umbrella.
Astriel’s brain screamed say "something normal say something normal say something normal."
“D-do you want bread?” they blurted.
Misumi blinked.
“…bread?” he said.
“The bakery,” they added on quickly. “I can buy you something. As a thank you.”
His face lit up instantly. “Oh hell yeah,” he said, beaming
________
They stood under the bakery awning, eating warm melon bread while the rain continued to pour.
The bread was soft and sweet, steam still rising from where it had been torn open.
Sugar dusted Misumi’s fingers, and his nose too. (because apparently he didn't know how to eat like a well mannered person.)
Astriel noticed immediately and didn't said anything, they're content with just watching him talking animatedly, breadcrumbs falling everywhere as he explained some TV show plots about some superhero with belts and cyborgs, hand gesturing around dramatically.
Somewhere between his laugh and the warmth of shared bread, the realization slipped in.
Quiet.
Terrifying.
"I think... I might like him."
Astriel doesn't know how to feel about that.
2. I still wear the bracelet that you made me, sometimes I would pretend that you're holding my wrist; junior high year two.
Astriel almost tripped over her own feet whilst running toward the booth.
“O–oh my god… sorry I’m so late, Sumi, sensei really didn’t want to let us out…” she panted, doubling over slightly as she grabbed onto the nearest pole for support, feeling their legs giving out..
“I came here as soon as she dismissed us,” she added between breaths.
She looked exactly like someone who had sprinted across the school with a heavy bag cutting into their shoulder, which, to be fair, she did do.
Across from her, behind the booth, Misumi barely looked surprised.
“It’s okay, Aster. I get it,” he said calmly, already reaching out to take her bag before she could say anything..
“Thanks, Sumi,” Astriel muttered, letting him take it. “I swear I aged ten years just from carrying that fuckass bag. My spine is like permanently fucked now, scoliosis or whatever…” she complained halfheartedly.
Misumi laughed under his breath.
“Come here,” he said, one hand gesturing toward the empty chair beside him while the other reached for a water bottle.
“Whoa… where am I coming?” Astriel joked, accepting the water bottle.
“On me,” he replied, matching their energy.
“what."
________
The booth itself was simple, it consists of a folding table covered with handmade items from the art club. Clay charms, keychains, small paintings, bookmarks, resin trinkets. The kind of things people bought just because they were cute, not because they needed them.
Usually, this job would have gone to the third-years.
But a certain redhead had signed both of them up without warning and then confidently told the seniors to focus on their exams because “we can handle it.”
Astriel had complained about it for three days straight.
But, she still showed up anyway.
Because Misumi was here.
________
The sales part, surprisingly, went smoothly.
Ignoring the part where Astriel spilled water all over herself.
She accidentally tipped the bottle too far back while laughing at something Misumi said and managed to spill half of the bottle down the front of his uniform.
Which was why he ended up bolting to the bathroom in humiliation while Misumi tried not to laugh.
At least it was when the event was over and there's not many people that were present.
But, still, her street cred…
________
“I’m going to crawl into a hole and die now,” Astriel muttered under his breath when he returned.
“Nah, it’s not… that bad…” Misumi chuckled from behind the booth, hands busy packing unsold items into a box. “At least there’s practically only 10 people here when it happened.”
“That is not as comforting as you think it is, Sumi,” she groaned.
Then her eyes caught something.
“Wait — don’t pack those yet,” Astriel said quickly, stepping closer. “I want to buy one.”
She hesitated for half a second before adding, “You know. To help out the club.”
Misumi gave her a look.
“You don’t have to make excuses,” he said. “Your hand was already itching to buy something.”
“…Yeah,” she admitted, embarrassed.
“Well,” he said, reaching into the display, “I think you should buy this one.”
He held up a bracelet.
Blue beads. A small yellow star charm dangling from the side.
Exactly the kind of thing Astriel liked.
Which makes it weird that they didn't notice it on sale just now..
“Hm,” she hummed, narrowing her eyes. “Why this one? does it with some kind of discount?” Astriel joked. She was already planning to get it anyway.
Misumi’s grin widened.
“Sure,” he said. “You’ll get a 100% belated birthday discount.”
Astriel froze.
“H–huh?”
“You know,” he continued, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, “since I didn’t know about your birthday last year and didn’t give you anything… my sister taught me how to make bead bracelets during the holidays, so I figured… why not make this your belated gift?”
For a moment, Astriel just stared at the bracelet in her hands, feeling the heat creeping up her neck.
“T-thanks,” she stammered softly. “I- uhh You really… you didn’t have to. I didn't really expect anything.”
It was ridiculous. It was just a bracelet. Just some beads and charms tied together with a string.
But somehow, this simple little thing made their stomach flip anyway.
Misumi smiled, clearly relieved. “I was waiting for a chance to finally put it on display and do the whole... discount bit for you,” he admitted with a laugh. “So thank god you poured that water on yourself am I right?” he teased.
“You little shit…” Astriel muttered, though there was no heat behind it.
“Thank you again,” she added more quietly, turning his face slightly away so he wouldn’t see how flustered she was. Their fingers curled around the bracelet, holding it close to their chest. “...I really like it.”
“I’m glad, I was worried since the first version looked kinda ass...” He said, pushing up his sleeve.
On his wrist was another bracelet, green beads, spaced unevenly, slightly loose.
“But look,” Misumi said brightly. “We match.”
Astriel’s heart did something embarrassing.
“Yeah,” she murmured, sliding hers onto her wrist. The beads were cool at first, then it warmed quickly against her skin.
She felt… giddy, ridiculously happy.
“Hahhh... but now I actually have to choose another product to buy,” Astriel sighed dramatically, scanning the items on the table.
“You were going to buy more than one thing anyway,” Misumi said knowingly.
“Yeah, yeah. You know me so well,” they said, rolling their eyes.
“Hmm, why not this one?” he suggested after looking through the display, picking up a phone charm with a tiny duck plush attached.
“Hm?”
“The duck is cute,” he said, holding it next to their face. “Like you.”
Astriel’s brain short-circuited.
“C-can you not? Can you not? Can you not??” she spluttered, turning away quickly, trying, and failing to suppress the massive grin that's starting to spread across her face.
He probably didn’t even mean anything by it. But the worst part was, this little compliment, such a tiny and insignificant thing in his eyes, it still made them so ridiculously happy.
3. If you call out for me, I'll come running. But I'm not sure if you would do the same for me; junior high year three.
By their third year, Misumi had somehow acquired responsibility, he was appointed to be the treasurer of the art club. Astriel still didn’t understand how that happened, well, she did but it's best not to boast his ego too much...
“You’re coming with me,” Misumi announced, appearing in the doorway of the art room.
Astriel didn’t look up immediately. They were kneeling on the floor, sorting the tubes of acrylic paint into a plastic organizer, with their labels facing outwards.
“…why?” they asked after a second, still facing the rack, focusing on aligning the tubes of paints.
“I have errands,” Misumi said.
“Okay?” Astriel said slowly. “And?”
“And you’re coming,” he repeated, like that explained anything.
Astriel finally looked up.
Misumi was leaning against the doorframe, red hair slightly mussed, glasses sliding down his nose. He had that bright and expectant expression that usually meant that Astriel was about to get dragged into something.
“You’re the treasurer,” they said. “That sounds like a you problem.”
“It is a me problem,” he agreed cheerfully.
“So... solve it,” they said, picking up another paint tube.
“With you,” he said.
Astriel paused.
“…there are at least five other people in this room,” they said, gesturing vaguely behind them.
“Yeah,” he replied.
“And three of them are probably stronger than me,” they continued.
“Probably,” he said.
“So why me?” they asked.
He shrugged, like the answer was obvious.
“Because I want you,” he said.
Astriel’s brain immediately short-circuited, they're hyper-aware of the heat creeping up their face.
"Y-you... cannot just say it like that...” they muttered, eyes darting away.
Misumi laughed, pushing himself off the doorframe.
“Come on,” he said. “I need help with carrying stuff.”
Astriel narrowed their eyes.
“...you are literally stronger than me,” they commented.
“You're emotionally stronger”
“I'm not," they retorted. "Plus that is not measurable”
“It is in my heart,” he responded, clutching his chest dramatically where his heart should be.
“You’re so annoying,” they said, feigning annoyance, but their feet were already making a move to stand up. Of course they did.
Because when Misumi asked for anything, Astriel’s default setting was always yes.
________
They told the club advisor they were running errands, which was technically true.
But, to Astriel it still felt like they were committing some sort of felony.
“You look like you’re about to confess to a crime,” Misumi said as they walked step out of school grounds.
“I don't... like breaking habits? uhh what's the word for it... routine? I think,” Astriel said. “My brain keeps telling me that something bad will happen and because we're not where we're supposed to be, it migh—”
“Nothing bad is happening,” he interrupted.
“That’s what you think,” they frowned.
He bumped their shoulder lightly with his.
“Well... you’ve got me,” he said with that familiar grin.
The words landed somewhere deep.
Astriel chose to pretended that they didn’t.
________
The first stop was the craft supply store. As soon as the pair got there, Misumi handed Astriel the shopping list immediately.
“You check,” he said.
“You’re literally the treasurer,” they added.
“And you’re my assistant,” he said, with such a confident tone, you would've thought that it was an actual position in the club.
“I did not apply for this position,” they disputed.
“Too late.”
Astriel sighed dramatically but took the list anyways.
They always try to help out.
Because if they didn’t, people might think they're useless and get annoyed.
And if people got annoyed, they might leave.
Because being useful meant being kept.
Their brain spiraled like that sometimes, it was fast, automatic and exhausting.
They didn’t notice Misumi watching them until he spoke.
“You’re really reliable,” he commented.
Astriel froze.
“…what?” they uttered, any form of thoughts they had instantly came to a halt.
“You always help,” he said. “Even when you complain.”
“I complain because you’re annoying..." they said reflexively.
“But you still help,” he said.
Astriel didn’t know what to say to that.
They looked down at the clipboard so he wouldn’t see their face.
“Don’t... read into it,” they muttered.
“I’m not,” he said easily. “I just like having you around.”
Something warm spread through Astriel’s chest, quick and frightening.
They swallowed.
“Yeah well,” they said. “Someone has to keep you from bankrupting the club.”
He laughed.
________
At the ribbon aisle, Misumi held up two nearly identical spools.
“Which one?” he asked.
“They are the same,” Astriel remarked.
“No,” he said seriously. “One is definitely emotionally superior.”
Astriel stared at him.
“…this one,” they said, pointing randomly.
“Excellent choice,” he responded immediately.
“You didn’t even look.”
“Well, I trust you.”
Astriel’s stomach flipped.
They turned away quickly, pretending to examine the labels on the shelf.
"Stop reacting. He trusts everyone. That’s his whole thing."
________
By the time they finished the third store, their arms were full of bags.
Misumi had quietly taken the heavier ones without comment.
Astriel noticed anyway.
“You really didn’t have to bring me,” they said as they walked back toward school.
“I know,” he said.
“…then why did you?” they asked.
He glanced over, sunlight catching in his glasses.
“Errands are boring alone,” he explained. “And you’re fun.”
Astriel scoffed.
“I am objectively not fun,” they said.
“Well... you’re funny,” he said.
They rolled their eyes.
But they couldn’t stop the small smile pulling at their mouth. And somewhere deep inside, a realization settled.
He chose me. Not convenience. Not proximity.
Choice.
Astriel had never thought that anyone would choose him out of a room with other people, willingly. Maybe that made them happy.
4+5. You're an important person in my life, I wish you hold that same feelings towards me; highschool year one.
Astriel almost didn’t notice him at first.
It was Astriel's first day of high school and everything was overwhelming, it was like walking into a wall made entirely out of sound and movement, everything just sound and sensation just hits a lot more harder.
The sounds of shoes squeaking and desks scraping against the polished floors echo through the rooms.
Laughter that's almost too loud that are coming from across the room
The faint itch from his uniform collar, fabric hadn’t been softened from wear yet.
Everything is just too... much. Astriel can feel the familiar wave of nausea hit them, the bile rising up his throat.
They stay standing just inside the classroom doorway for a moment longer than necessary, scanning the rows of desks, looking for somewhere inconspicuous to exist.
Somewhere they wouldn’t be noticed and looked at too much.
Somewhere they wouldn’t have to immediately navigate any sort of conversation.
That was when they saw it, a familiar flash of red near the window.
They froze mid-step.
"No way"
Misumi was sitting there, leaning back in his chair like he already belonged there, like this was just another room in a building he had always known.
His red hair was the same messy shade that Astriel remembered, catching the sunlight that streamed through the window behind him. His glasses reflected the light briefly as he turned his head.
For a second, Astriel’s brain refused to process what her eyes were seeing.
Then he looked up and their eyes met.
His face lit up instantly.
Not gradual recognition. Not confusion.
Immediate recognition.
Like someone had flipped on a light switch behind his eyes.
“Astriel??!!” he said, loud enough that a few nearby students turned to look.
“You go here??” she blurted before their brain could catch up with their mouth.
“You go here??” he echoed.
They stared at each other for two full seconds.
Then both of them started laughing, the kind of laughter that bubbled up out of nowhere, sharp, bright and impossible to hold back.
And just like that, something inside Astriel loosened.
The tight knot of anxiety that had been sitting in his chest since morning eased, unwinding slightly.
There is someone familiar, someone safe.
The relief he felt was physical. Their shoulders dropped. their breathing steadied. The room felt less hostile, less unknown.
They weren’t alone here anymore.
________
Being in the same class again felt… natural.
Not exciting in a dramatic way. Not surprising.
Just... easy.
It's like slipping into ballet shoes that had already been broken in, comfortable and it fits just right.
They gravitated toward each other without thinking about it.
Conversations picked up where they had left off, as if the time between junior high and now had only been a brief pause.
Astriel started switching seats with Misumi’s seatmate during free periods.
At first, they asked politely every time.
Then it became understood.
Then it became routine.
The seatmate didn’t mind.
Misumi clearly didn’t mind.
Sometimes Astriel would plop down beside him and he’d already start talking mid-sentence, like he had been waiting for them specifically.
The familiarity settled around them like something warm.
Which was why the day the teacher called them out felt so catastrophic.
On that day, Misumi's seatmate called in sick, so Astriel basically moved into that seat for the whole day, the other teachers didn't seem to mind, except for their history teacher apparently.
Astriel had meant to switch back at least for her class, but they were too engrossed with talking to Misumi, they didn't noticed that it was the next class already.
“Zhen-san,” the teacher said sharply from the front of the room. “Why are you not in your assigned seat?”
The classroom went silent.
All thirty heads turned.
The attention hit Astriel like a physical force.
She can feel the heat flooding their face instantly, rushing up their neck and into their ears until everything felt hot and prickling.
“I- uh uhm Tanaka-kun was sick today s-so I moved to sit here so I can uh- see better...” they tried to stammer out an explanation but she kept stumbling on her words.
“Well, you didn't asked me for permission now did you?" the teacher continued, "You cannot just change seats on a whim without any sort of permission—”
She... wasn’t yelling.
Which somehow made it worse.
Because it meant every single student could hear her words clearly.
Astriel can feel almost all 30 pair of eyes staring through the back of her head, judging them.
And Astriel’s brain immediately spiraled.
You broke a rule. They think you’re disruptive. You’re annoying. You're standing weird. Everyone’s looking. They’re judging you. You’re embarrassing. All of them have their eyes on you. You're making eye contact with her. She looks so disappointed. Look down. Don't look at them. They're watching.
They can feel their throat tightening, vision getting blurry.
Oh no.
No no no no nononononono.
Tears welled before they could stop them.
Humiliating.
Mortifying.
They quickly looked down, trying to hide their face, they can feel the tears threatening to spill out.
Why are you like this. Stop crying. Everyone can see you. Stop it. She didn't even yell at you. Stop.
The more they try to stop their tears, the more upset they get. They kept their head down, in hopes that it'll blow over and no one would notice his tears.
"—just had to ask me...."The teacher paused, clearly thrown off by their sudden reaction.
Of course she noticed. Everyone did.
Everyone is staring at you. They can see your tears. Stop crying. They think you're sensitive. Stop. You're doing it again.
The embarrassment they felt amplified, no matter how hard they try to keep it in, the tears kept pouring out. It's like a faucet that just won't stop leaking.
“…go wash your face,” the teacher said awkwardly after a moment. “Aoki-kun, go accompany her.”
Astriel wanted so bad to just sink into the floor, to disappear into the soil.
________
The hallway outside was quiet, fluorescent lights buzzing softly overhead.
Astriel walked quickly toward the bathroom, blinking hard, fists clenched at their sides.
Thankfully the bathroom was empty.
The moment they reached the sink, they gripped the porcelain edge, breathing heavily.
“I’m so stupid,” they muttered, voice shaky.
“You’re not,” Misumi said gently behind the door.
“I literally cried just because sensei told me to sit down...” they mumbled, turning on the faucet and splashing cold water onto their face.
“You were embarrassed,” he said.
“Normal people don’t cry, they don't tear up over such a small matter,” they insisted.
“Plenty of people cry,” he replied calmly.
“No, but I hate crying like this, it literally isn't a big issue, I don't know why I even cried I just- urghhhhh...” they groaned.
They lifted their head, staring at their reflection.
Red eyes.
Wet lashes.
Flushed cheeks.
God. he looks pathetic.
Misumi looked around and propped open the door, leaning against it.
“Well,” he said lightly, “at least now everyone knows that you have emotions, lots of them too.”
"Shut your bitch ass up," They said as they walked out, shooting him a watery glare. “I’m going to beat you."
He grinned.
“Worth it.”
A reluctant laugh escaped them, half sob, half amusement.
....
He nudged their shoulder gently. “You... wanna skip a bit?” he asked quietly.
Astriel blinked.
“…what?”
“Just a few minutes,” he said. “You need to calm down anyways, can't have you going back like this now can we?”
They hesitated.
They really didn't want to face the teacher so soon, they couldn't stand the thought of everyone staring at them, looking at them weirdly. It would just make them want to cry all over again.
“…fine,” they said softly.
________
They wandered the empty hallway, footsteps echoing faintly.
Misumi talked about random things, a random show he watched, homework complaints, how he disliked the tomatoes specifically in the cafeteria lunch.
Nothing important, but Astriel took note on them anyways.
Astriel’s breathing slowly evened out.
The tightness in their chest loosened.
At one point he said something so absurd they snorted loudly before they could stop themselves.
“There...” he said, looking at Astriel, smiling. “You’re back.”
“…thanks,” they muttered.
He shrugged.
“Anytime.”
And Astriel realized something then.
They were comfortable.
With him.
Safe.
The familiarity was around them, it was as if they were wrapped up in a big blanket. They know they shouldn't stay for too long, but for now, they're going to stay, they want to keep feeling the warmth.
________
After that, Misumi started switching seats instead.
Astriel noticed it immediately.
“You’re... in my seat,” they commented, dropping their bag onto the desk with a soft thud.
“No I’m not,” he replied casually, already settling into the chair beside them, posture relaxed like he belonged there.
“That is literally my seatmate’s chair,” Astriel said flatly, raising an eyebrow.
“Well… he agreed” he shrugged.
“…why?” she asked.
Misumi shrugged again, like it was obvious.
“Closer to you.”
Astriel’s stomach flipped.
Three simple words.
Closer to you.
It shouldn’t mean anything. It was probably just friendliness. probably just Misumi being Misumi, easygoing, affectionate and comfortable with everyone.
But still.
Something warm spread through their chest anyway, blooming outward before they could stop it.
They hated how easily he affected them.
They loved it too.
“Whatever,” Astriel muttered, turning their face away so he wouldn’t see the faint red rising in their cheeks.
________
After that, it just… became normal.
Misumi sitting beside them.
Misumi leaning over to look at their notes.
Misumi talking in a low voice during class about things that absolutely should never be uttered in an academic environment.
Sometimes they talked about homework.
Sometimes about things so absurd that Astriel was thankful that they were seated in the back row, away from most of their classmates.
“Okay... but think about it,” Misumi whispered one afternoon, chin resting on his hand. “If you cloned yourself and then... you uhh you know... with the clone… is that technically masturbation or—”
“Oh my god, can you not??? You're so loud oh my god..." they shushed him, smacking his arm lightly. “Can you not says these kind of bullshit in class???"
“But it’s a philosophical question,” he insisted, barely containing laughter.
“...no it's not,” they retorted, looking around to make sure no one heard them. "...maybe, I don't know, c-can we just discuss this after class Sumi..." they said, exasperated.
He laughed quietly, shoulders shaking.
Astriel found themself trying to hold in their laugh.
With him, conversations flowed easily, they kept jumping topics without warning, looping back around, dissolving into inside jokes that made no sense to anyone but them.
________
Sometimes they didn’t talk at all.
They would sit side by side during free periods, working on their classworks in comfortable silence.
The quiet between them never felt heavy or awkward, just... calm.
________
Sometimes Misumi fell asleep.
That was... new.
The first time it happened, Astriel thought something was wrong.
One free period, he let out a soft exhale and dropped his head onto his folded arms on the desk beside them.
“…are you dead?” Astriel whispered, poking his shoulder cautiously.
“Mgghrmm…” Misumi mumbled without lifting his head. “Wanna sleep…”
“You came here just to sleep?” they asked incredulously.
“Yes.”
“You’re unbelievable...” they muttered.
But they didn’t move.
Didn’t disturb him.
They just… watched.
His red hair had fallen slightly over his eyes, loose strands catching the golden sunlight streaming through the classroom windows. The light made the color look brighter, almost copper at the edges.
His breathing was slow and steady, shoulders rising and falling in a calm rhythm.
Relaxed.
Unbothered.
Comfortable enough to fall asleep beside them.
Astriel’s chest tightened.
It started happening more often after that.
Misumi switching seats.
Leaning closer.
Sometimes resting his head near Astriel’s shoulder when he was tired.
Sometimes stretching his legs out under the desk until they bumped into Astriel’s.
Each small moment felt enormous, stored carefully in Astriel’s memory.
________
Then one afternoon, when he looked particularly exhausted, it happened.
His arm brushed against theirs.
And stayed there.
Astriel froze instantly.
Every nerve ending in their body lit up at once.
They became hyper-aware of everything, the warmth where their skin touched, the steady rhythm of his breathing, the faint floral scent of his shampoo drifting through the air.
Don’t move. If you move he’ll notice. Don’t make this weird. If it’s weird he’ll stop sitting here. And... I don’t want that…
So they stayed perfectly still.
Heart pounding so hard they were sure he could feel it through their arm.
Misumi didn’t move either.
He just kept sleeping peacefully, face turned slightly toward them.
Like being close to Astriel was normal.
Like it was easy.
Like this proximity meant nothing at all.
He looks… comfortable, in my presence.
Astriel’s chest ached.
He trusts me.
The realization settled over them, heavy and warm at the same time.
Trust was not something Astriel think they deserved so easily.
People tolerated them.
Sometimes liked them.
But trust, quiet, unconscious trust... it was rare...
And Misumi gave it so freely.
Maybe… just maybe… they were important to him too.
Hope flickered.
Small, fragile... dangerous.
They tried not to feed it, tried not to think about it, tried not to let it turn into something bigger.
But it grew anyway.
It felt like flowers were sprouting inside their chest, soft petals unfolding between their ribs. The vines wrapped slowly around their heart, curling tighter and tighter, holding it in place.
It hurts, the vines feels like it is digging into their heart, they felt the pressure, warmth and ache all at once.
But being held and wrapped like that, like their heart was something precious enough to protect... it made them feel… something indescribable.
Alive.
Terrified.
Happy.
They didn’t know which feeling was stronger.
Maybe all of them.
So they stayed still.
Letting him sleep.
Letting the warmth linger.
Letting the hope grow, even though they knew, somewhere deep down, that hope could ruin them someday.
But not today.
Today, Misumi was beside them... and that was enough.
+1. I yearn for you so much it hurts, I don't know why but I just can't seem to let go. I know you're not mine to keep... but please, just please... ; highschool year two
They weren’t in the same class this year.
That, on its own, wasn’t new.
They had been in separate classes before, like their second and third year of junior high. Astriel knew what distance felt like.
They weren't exactly close back then, at least Astriel didn't think that Misumi saw it that way (but Astriel did wished to be closer to him), so they knew how to exist without him nearby.
They're familiar with the longing they felt, looking at him being so carefree and happy with other people, wishing for more interaction with him rather than just texts and brief hallway greetings.
But this time felt different.
Because last year had changed something for them.
Last year they shared seats, had whispered conversations about every little thing, their warm shoulders pressed together during free periods, the warmth that Astriel wished had lingered more.
It had been falling asleep beside each other without thinking about it. It had been a familiarity so deep it felt almost instinctive.
And now.
Now there was an empty space where he should have been.
The absence showed up in small, stupid ways.
Their kept their to turn around and make eye contact with him when something funny happened in class, but now they're met with a weird look from their new seatmate and nothing else.
There was no more absurd discussions in class.
No more comfortable presence next to them during free periods.
No more "haha cum," whenever they heard anyone mentioned the word 'come', as silly and immature it all was, he missed it all.
It felt like background noise had disappeared, the kind you never notice until it’s gone, leaving everything strangely hollow.
It's as if they got a taste of being close to him and now they can never go back. They want more and more, how selfish of them.
They still saw him, of course.
In the hallways talking to his other friends, exchanging simple greetings when they passed eachother.
Sometimes, recess, in which Astriel watch him from afar, wanting to just waltz right up to him and sit down, but they wouldn't dare.
Their messages, where there was at least some semblance of familiarity to them. Those conversations about random, meaningless things that that they used to talked about in class. But it's still not the same.
They still saw him, but it wasn’t the same as proximity.
Not the same as being beside him.
They still talk, but why does Astriel want more, why is he never satisfied. Why does he feel like this, why can't he just be normal.
Why does he feel so ugly inside.
So when Misumi texted:
bbg supreme (Sumi): Heyyyy r u free after school tmr?
bbg supreme (Sumi): wanted to ask you smthg heh..
Astriel didn’t even hesitate.
Of course they went.
________
They met at a mall nearby after school, the one that all their classmates always went to.
Misumi was already there when Astriel arrived.
And he looked… nervous.
Which was unusual enough that Astriel immediately started interrogating him.
“What did you do...” they asked, walking up beside him.
“Nothing...” he said quickly.
“Who did you fight?”
“No one.”
“…are you dying?”
He let out a weak laugh.
“No.”
Astriel crossed their arms.
“Then what?” they asked.
Misumi rubbed the back of his neck, see a gesture Astriel recognized instantly as embarrassment.
“I just—” he started.
He hesitated.
Then he said it.
“I think... I might like someone...”
Their world stopped.
Not dramatically.
Not with noise or crashing realization.
Just...
Everything inside Astriel went very, very still.
"..."
They smiled automatically.
“Oh?” they said lightly, tilting their head.
“Yeah,” he said, looking equal parts excited and anxious. “I think they're like one of your classmate actually.”
Their stomach dropped.
But their voice stayed steady, at least they hope it did.
“Which one?” they asked.
He told them, recounting the story of how he met them at the school's stationary shop while helping his teacher with printing worksheets, how they talked while waiting for each of their respective stacks of paper, how their smile made something inside him stir.
Astriel knew exactly who he meant.
Of course they did.
Pretty.
Friendly.
Popular.
The kind of person who fit naturally into social spaces instead of hovering at the edges like Astriel always felt they did.
Astirel was...
Ugly.
Selfish.
A nobody.
They were everything that Astriel wasn’t.
“…oh,” they said quietly.
Misumi didn’t notice the shift, maybe he just didn't care that about Astriel as much as they thought.
“Do you know what they like? ” he asked, fidgeting with his bag straps. “I want to like... get to know them more... I figured you might know since you’re in the same class.”
Something inside Astriel opened.
A deep, dark pit.
Bottomless.
Cold.
They felt it forming in real time, like the ground inside their chest had cracked open.
Every emotion rushed toward it immediately.
Every time they fell deeper.
The umbrella walk in the rain.
Their matching bracelet.
Being chosen, even if it's just for something so small.
The shared seats, his arm resting against theirs while he slept.
Every single instances where she got her hopes up.
Every little thing.
All of it.
They shoved everything into the pit.
Hard.
Fast.
Desperately.
Not today.
Not ever.
They forced their mouth into a smile, hoping it doesn't seem too forced, hoping it looks natural, hoping that maybe just maybe he wouldn't notice anything.
“Yeah,” they said. “I think I can help.”
Misumi’s face lit up instantly, bright, hopeful, excited in a way Astriel had seen countless times when he talked about things he cared about.
“Really??” he said, eyes twinkling.
“Yeah,” they said again, “Of course...”
Because his happiness mattered more.
Because loving him meant wanting him to be happy.
Because if they acknowledged what they were feeling, the jealousy, the grief, the sharp tearing sensation in their chest, they might just fall apart right there in front of him.
And they could never do that.
Not to him.
So they kept throwing their feelings into the pit.
Every time their chest tightened, throw it in.
Every time their stomach twisted, throw it in.
Every intrusive thought, throw it in.
The pit swallowed everything without resistance.
It wasn’t full yet.
One day it might be.
One day it might overflow and swallow them whole.
But it's not going to be today.
Today they were smiling.
Today they were supportive.
Today they were useful.
“So... what kind of stuff does they like?” Misumi asked, leaning closer, completely focused on the conversation.
Astriel listed things.
Favorite snacks.
Clubs.
Music.
The little details they’d picked up in class without meaning to.
Each word felt like removing a piece of themselves and handing it over.
Misumi listened intently, nodding, occasionally asking follow-up questions.
He looked happy.
Hopeful.
Excited.
Astriel memorized his expression automatically.
Because even through the ache, seeing him like that still made something warm bloom in their chest.
Their love for him didn’t disappear just because it hurt.
“Thanks, Aster...” Misumi said after a while, smiling at them, soft, genuine gratitude in his eyes. “You’re a lifesaver.”
Astriel shrugged.
“It’s nothing,” they said.
It wasn’t nothing.
It was everything.
But... he didn’t need to know that.
Because his happiness mattered more.
Because loving him meant wanting him happy.
Because Astriel had always been good at swallowing their own feelings if it meant someone else would stay.
So they walked with him in the mall, talking about how he could start a conversation with them, the things they likes, window shopping gifts that they might like.
And they smiled.
Even as something inside them slowly hollowed out.
Even if their heart ached at the sight of him, it's as if they're desperately cling to any sort of attention they get from him, even if he's asking about them.
Astirel would be alright, they're going to be alright, they have to be alright.