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Doesn’t everyone have that first memory? The first time they woke up and realised that they were awake, alive to the world around them? I did.
In my very first memory I was on a beach when I so suddenly sprung to life. I remember the feeling of sand under me, the cold creeping over my bare arms as our jackets lay abandoned on a nearby log. I remember the way the sun was selectively hitting some of the sand and how I kept trying to avoid the shade. The tide lashed in and her laugh rang over the rocks as we ran. Jules was chasing me, a game of tag she was forfeiting by holding back on me. Somehow even at five years old I knew that she was letting me win. I didn’t know why.
“Bells!” She howled with laughter as she almost grabbed me. I remember my long brown hair brushing my arm as I turned to look at her with a small smile. I would always remember that as my first moment of consciousness, looking at her huge smile and seeing the sunlight bounce off of her tan skin. In the glow of childhood the world felt so big and so small at the same time. Something swelled in me and settled, a lock clicking into place for the first time. I sprinted off in an instant, Jules following with her arms outstretched towards me.
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I’d been asleep for months before I saw Jules again.
When I’d been dating Edward I had barely seen her. The moments that I did had been brief and bright, a moment of sunlight in my otherwise cold and intense life. She’d been just as happy and carefree as she was when we were little and her joy seemed infectious. If I’d felt anything when I flirted with her at La Push for information, I pushed it aside. I had too many other things to unpack back then.
But now there was silence. For months there had been nothing.
“Where the hell have you been?”
The day I showed up with the bikes she ran to me, smiling as wide as ever. We collided quickly and Jules lifted me up into a hug without effort. The feel of her muscles wrapped around me stirred something in my stomach. Whatever the something was, the numbness attempted to close around it.
“Can’t breathe, Jules.” I choked out, fist loosening to stroke her back gently.
Jules laughed and let go of me partially, hands staying at my waist as she pushed me back to inspect my face. I hoped I didn’t look too bad. I frowned as I realised that it suddenly mattered to me how I looked. The numbness tried to swallow that curiosity too, like ice freezing around my heart.
She was smiling at me but I could tell she was looking for something. I pulled back from her and ran a hand through my hair, attempting a small smile. It probably wasn’t convincing.
“I brought you something.” I said awkwardly, shifting my balance from one foot to another. I could hear the ground crunch beneath me and looked down, noticing where I was standing for the first time.
Jules hadn’t stopped looking at me. “Bells?”
My head snapped up and I nodded absentmindedly, turning towards my truck. I gripped the sheet that covered the bikes and pulled it back quickly.
Jules looked at me in confusion. “Scrap metal?”
“They have potential!” I heard my voice as if from far away, more animated than I’d felt in months.
“You’re kidding.” Jules laughed and shook her head, but I could see she was thinking about it. “You want me to fix them?”
“Us,” I said carefully, meeting her warm brown eyes. “I thought we could do it together.”
Jules beamed at me like I’d brought her expensive jewellery rather than literal scrap metal, as she’d called it. An easy girl to please.
She didn’t ask more questions, simply rolled her eyes fondly and moved to lift the bikes out of the truck. I moved to help her and she swatted me away gently before lifting the second like it weighed nothing. I looked away for a moment, the racing of my heart fighting against the numbness.
We wheeled the bikes into her garage without speaking, Jules’ infectious enthusiasm loud within the quiet. When we got inside I caught her looking at me with soft, curious eyes. I looked away, tucking my hair behind my ear.
“Let’s get to work.” Jules said softly and got down on her knees to inspect the ‘scrap metal’.
She stayed like that for a while, inspecting parts that I couldn’t even name. She’d told me to sit and make myself comfortable. It was odd how naturally comfortable I felt around her. The warm brown of the garage walls felt homey and safe. I’d sunk down, watching her and wondering what she was seeing.
“You’re staring.” Was that a smirk I saw on her face?
“I…Can we fix them?”
“I guess they’re not entirely hopeless.” She turned her head to look at me, her shiny hair glinting in the dimly lit room.
“I hope not. I think it would be fun to ride them.”
“You even know how to ride a bike, Bells?”
“I have potential!”
Jules laughed and it filled the space. It took me a second to realise I was smiling at her, actually smiling for the first time in months.
When she stopped laughing, there was a long moment of silence.
“I missed you.” her voice was steady and matter of fact. I froze for a moment, overwhelmed by my own awareness. Oh.
“I…Uh…Yeah, been a while.” I stuttered, looking down and hiding my face.
Jules was kind enough to let me have my silence for a while and I could imagine she was thinking about the reason I’d been absent from my own life for months. I didn’t want to think about that.
“Can you pass the wrench beside you?” She asked softly. I nodded quickly, rolling up my sleeves and grabbing what she needed. She took it carefully and as I turned to move away she took hold of my wrist. I turned my head back to her, breath catching quietly in my throat.
“Jules?”
“Did it hurt?” She was looking at the scar on my arm, bite shaped and stark white against my already white skin. She held my wrist firmly but not tight. I could pull it away if I wanted to.
“It doesn’t anymore,” It was all I could think to say. “I don’t feel it.”
“You don’t?” Jules stroked my wrist gently, tracing her fingers over my scar. I looked down at her hand, suppressing a shiver. I could see the grease underneath her fingernails, from hours of fixing cars. I suppressed a shiver at the touch, suddenly aware of how much I felt it. Her fingers were so warm and gentle it was all consuming. I blinked slowly, suddenly more aware of where I was and what was happening. Oh.
“No,” I looked back up into Jules’ face, like seeing the sunlight first thing in the morning. “It’s better now.”
She nodded and stroked the scar once more before releasing me. I looked around, startled by my clarity. I turned my back to her to take a step towards the bench, trying to seem as natural as possible.
“You want coffee? We’ve got a lot of work on our hands here.” Jules spoke naturally, as if nothing had just happened.
“Coffee.” I echoed with a nod even though I felt a little wired already.
When I turned back to her, she was smiling that easy smile and standing up to go get us coffee. I smiled back and was really there with her at that moment. I could hear the clink of the metal as she put the wrench down, I could see the wrinkles by her eyes as she smiled at me, I could feel my body craving a warm cup of coffee and suddenly I wasn’t asleep.
I let Jules guide me into the kitchen as we started chatting, her laughter ringing through the house. It was the best sound I’d heard in a long time.