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Sirius had given up trying to find a rational explanation for what he was doing hours ago.
Technically, he had a plan. A plan that had emerged a few months ago, when he was sitting on his tiny balcony in his tiny flat together with James, and James had broken the momentary illusion of an idyllic world by telling him, “Sirius, I don’t think you really know who you are when you are alone. I won’t always be around, you know?”
He had cried a little, because James was right (he usually was) and the next day he had booked a flight to Dublin, solely because Lily had been there once and had enjoyed it immensely.
Yeah, maybe he did need to learn how to make decisions based on what he liked himself.
Back then, he had made a plan based on what he wanted to see, how long he wanted to stay and which places he could see himself staying in. Back then, his plans hadn’t included dead zones in the Irish countryside and his phone sitting in the phone holder of the rental car, mockingly reading “Searching for GPS…” for the past thirty minutes.
He had been driving utterly lost across the hills, where sheep sometimes spotted the green fields. Sheep meant farms meant other humans, or something like that.
Sirius was seriously considering pulling over at the next opportunity and trying to figure out the physical map in his glove box, when a sign revealed itself after the next bend.
Hold a baby lamb
5€
→
Sirius' reaction was totally impulsive and had definitely needed more than just two seconds of thinking, but he switched on the indicator and turned his car onto the path that could be barely called a street.
“Hold a lamb,” he muttered into the quiet car and huffed a laugh. “I’m definitely going insane.”
The path led him about a kilometer past fields and pastures, until he could finally see a small, rustic farmhouse where the path ended. He parked his car next to a dirty land rover in what seemed like a small parking lot, and turned off the engine. There was still time to turn around, he thought. He had plans for tonight. He wanted to call James as soon as he arrived in his room for the night. But something about the thought of holding a small lamb, or maybe just the knowledge that he had made this decision without consulting James before, made him stay.
And as if to solidify his decision, a dog trotted over to him as soon as he opened the door of his car. A border collie mix or something, Sirius assumed. It sniffed his feet, and then sat down in front of Sirius, waiting for something.
Sirius exhaled and scratched the dog between its ears. “Sorry, didn’t think to bring treats,” he mumbled.
He looked around the space around him, wondering if no one was at home, or if he should just leave. There was a stable to his right, next to the main farm house, and endless fields around them. Somewhere in the distance he spotted sheep in the fields.
“Cara, what are you doing?” a male voice suddenly called over to them from somewhere behind the stable. It was warm, with a soft Irish lilt curling around the words. Sirius’ stomach turned, which was totally not embarrassing at all.
The dog in front of Sirius turned its head to where the voice came from, ears perking up.
“I thought I taught you to guide our guests to the stables. Stubborn girl.”
Cara just barked and ran to meet the man who emerged from around the corner. Sirius’ stomach did an even bigger, even more embarrassing swoop.
The man was tall, taller than Sirius which rarely happened at all. His brown hair was messy as if he had run his hand through it a thousand times today, and his skin was tanned from working in the sun.
Sirius had never thought he had a thing for cable knit sweaters, but holy shit.
The man smiled at him, wiping his hands on his worn jeans. “Sorry ‘bout that. You here for the lambs?”
Sirius swallowed. Fuck, this was supposed to be a self-discovery journey, not a second-sexual-awakening journey.
“Uh, yeah! The sign. I mean- I saw it. The sign. About the lambs.”
Real fucking smooth, Sirius. I bet he was charmed by your stuttering.
But the man's smile only widened.
“Great. Name's Remus.”
Sirius took Remus’ hand and tried to not think too hard about how warm they were or how strong his grip was.
“Sirius,” he managed to choke out.
“Sirius,” Remus repeated, and the way his accent wrapped around the word should've been illegal. “Like the star?”
Sirius raised his eyebrows. It rarely happened that people recognised his name's origins. “Exactly like the star.”
Remus grinned, and Sirius found out that he had dimples too. Of course he had dimples. The universe wanted to see Sirius fall.
“Come on then, Sirius. The lambs are in the stables.”
Remus started walking towards the stable, Cara now flanking his side. Sirius found himself wordlessly trailing after them – and beside him, he noticed a small, white lamb trotting after Remus.
“Oh,” he said, surprised. “One of them escaped.”
“Hm?” Remus glanced back, gaze softening. “Oh, no,” he laughed – unfair, really.
“That’s just Clover. Her mum rejected her, and I bottle-feeded her. She thinks I’m her ma now and won’t let me go anywhere alone.”
Sirius huffed a laugh. “That’s adorable.”
Remus led them into the stable, where Cara immediately positioned herself in a spot right next to the door, eyes following them even as she laid down in the straw. Sirius could already see four nosy lambs in one of the pens, bleating as they came closer.
Remus turned around to Sirius.
“Okay, usually this experience takes fifteen minutes. You pay and then you can go in there and pet them, take pictures, all that. Try to not make sudden movements or scare them or anything. Clear?”
Sirius nodded. “Of course. Sure.”
He fumbled for his wallet and pulled out a crumpled five euro bill, which Remus shoved into the back pocket of his jeans.
“Alright, go on then.”
He opened the pen and Clover immediately darted into it to meet her friends (or whatever you would call a friendship between lambs), and Sirius followed her, settling onto a bale in the corner. Two of the lambs immediately curiously sniffed him, before deciding he seemed nice enough and pressing closer to him.
“You can lift one – take Maeve, the black one. She’s the nicest. Just support her hind legs- exactly. You’re a natural.”
Sirius felt something heavy loosen in his chest when he felt the still soft wool of the small animal in his arms, and could feel her small heart beating fast.
“Oh,” he breathed eloquently.
Remus only laughed. “Yeah. We get this reaction a lot.”
Sirius wasn’t sure how long he sat there, cradling Maeve while the other lambs slowly warmed up to a stranger sitting in their pen. One of them started chewing on Sirius’ shoe lace, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
Remus eventually cleared his throat and made Sirius look up from Maeve, who had dozed off in his arms.
“Your fifteen minutes are over. I suppose you have some places to be today.”
Sirius nodded slowly and lowered Maeve into the pen. She looked up at him as if betrayed, but immediately went to the water trough in the corner of the pen. “Yeah, you’re right,” he quietly said and stood up, brushing off stray and dirt from his jeans. He felt vulnerable. Was that what 15 minutes of lamb holding did to you?
Remus held the pen gate open for him, and they walked side-by-side towards the car park. The sun was already setting and the sky glowed in shades of orange and pink. Clover trotted beside them, though this time not next to Remus, but next to Sirius.
Remus raised his eyebrows at her. “Huh. That’s weird.”
“What is?” Sirius asked, looking down at the small wooly shape pressing closer to him. He had to be careful to not trip over her.
“She never- it took her three weeks to warm up to my mam. And she helped me feed her every day.”
“Maybe I’m just interesting?”
“That you are,” Remus mumbled, and Sirius met his gaze. Did Remus just say that? Was Remus blushing? Oh God.
Remus looked away in what seemed to be an embarrassed manner to Sirius.
“Where are you headed, anyway?”
“Uh,” Sirius made, pulling out his phone. Still no service. “I kind of got lost? I have a B&B booked, maybe you know where that is…”
He opened the screenshot of the booking information he had on his phone and angled the screen towards Remus, who winced.
“Sirius, that’s over an hour away. And it’s getting dark… you’ll fall off a cliff if you don’t know these roads.”
Sirius felt his stomach drop. “Fuck.”
Remus ran a hand through his hair, and just as Sirius was about to propose he could sleep in his car, it would be fine, he had done it before, Remus said, “Look, we have this cottage we rent out to tourists and hikers. It’s empty right now. It’s nothing special, but there’s a bed and it’s warm.”
Sirius found himself shaking his head. “I couldn’t possibly-”
“It’s fifty euros per night, including breakfast,” Remus interrupted. “Better than ending up in a ditch, yeah?”
Sirius stifled the laugh that made its way up his throat, coming from the simple ridiculousness of the situation.
“Yeah, okay. Thank you.”
The cottage was small, but more than enough. Remus showed him around, Clover following him around loyally, before laying down on the rug in front of the empty fireplace.
“Right,” Remus said, as he finished the small tour for Sirius. “I’ll come around with breakfast at eight tomorrow, if that’s okay? You’ll have plenty of time to spend your day like you planned.”
“Eight is perfect. Thank you.”
Remus cleared his throat, then nodded. “I should let you settle in, then. Clover, come on.”
He made an attempt to leave, but Clover seemed to be fully content on the rug.
“Come on, girl. Let the man alone.”
Sirius watched fascinated how Remus tried to lure Clover out of the cottage for the next five minutes – bribing her with food, trying to lift her up (she was a very wiggly sheep). When he looked at Sirius again, his cheeks were flushed red. He was embarrassed, and Sirius, well. Sirius was probably two seconds away from kissing Remus.
“I’m so sorry,” Remus said. “She’s never done this before. I can come back later?”
Sirius shook his head. “She can stay here, I really don’t mind. She seems nice enough and I wouldn’t want to be the reason to disturb her peace.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I’ll- you could, uhm, give me your number, so I can text you. If anything goes wrong.”
Now it was Sirius’ turn to blush, and Remus’ turn to grin.
“If anything goes wrong. Of course.”
They exchanged numbers, and Remus made Clover promise to behave herself before he left. When Sirius was alone, he felt too hot. Clover looked at him, and Sirius was almost one hundred percent sure she looked all too pleased with herself.
When Remus knocked on the door the next morning, Sirius was already awake, nervously sitting on the couch while trying to appear at least the tiniest bit composed. But his heart started beating faster when he approached the door to open it, and Clover darted outside to meet Remus before the door was fully open.
“Missed me?” he said to Clover and scratched her head. She bleated at him.
“And I thought we had something,” Sirius muttered. Remus finally looked up at him and smiled.
“Good Morning. Sleep well?”
“I- yeah. Thank you.”
Remus held up a small basket. “Brought breakfast. Can I come in?”
Sirius stepped aside and Remus immediately started unloading the contents of the basket on the small dining table right by the windows. Fresh bread, jam, butter, and everything else Sirius has ever wanted.
“This is too much. I can’t possibly accept-”
“Sirius,” Remus said warmly. “You paid for this, didn’t you? My mum was delighted to have someone stay here.”
Sirius bit his lips and eventually sat down quietly. For a second, he stared at the buffet in front of him, then he looked up at Remus who was staring at Sirius. The air between them was charged with something Sirius couldn’t quite place.
“Do you want to stay?” Sirius said, and found his voice to be rougher than usual. Okay, yeah, this was getting dangerous.
Remus snapped out of whatever this was and Sirius noticed that he was fidgeting with his fingers.
“I suppose I could drink another cup of tea.”
They settled opposite each other at the table, and while Sirius ate (the breakfast was incredible), Remus quietly drank his tea while absentmindedly petting Clover who now lay on the third chair between them.
“Any plans for today?” Remus asked.
Sirius shrugged. He did have this whole itinerary, but something about the feeling of doing things spontaneously just felt so right to him. Wasn’t this the whole point of a self-discovery trip?
“Not sure yet. I was going to see Cork today, but…”
“But?”
Sirius shrugged. “I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll just drive somewhere and see where I end up.”
“Or I could show you some places?” Remus offered, but then seemed to realise how this may sound and he ducked his head.
“I mean- you don’t have to, of course. I just have the day off, and I thought-”
“That would be great, Remus. If it’s not a problem for you, of course.”
Remus looked at him and smiled.
“I wouldn’t have offered if it were.”
Sirius waited for Remus to finish up his morning tasks, and by ten they sat in a Land Rover and pulled onto the main street. Cara sat in the backseat, Remus had mentioned she loved hikes.
In the thirty minute drive Sirius found out Remus had a great music taste (really similar to his own, which he interpreted as a sign), he had a degree in English Literature, and he had missed the farm so much during the time he spent in Dublin to study, that he came back immediately after and never looked back.
The hike was more a demanding walk than a hike, but Sirius genuinely enjoyed walking along Remus and occasionally throwing a stick for Cara to fetch. The walk ended with a scenic view over the ocean, and they walked all the way to the stony beach, where they sat down and watched Cara jump through the water.
“This is beautiful. Thank you.”
“I used to come here with my parents sometimes, when I was younger. It truly is beautiful.”
Sirius picked up a smooth stone and turned it in his hands. He should take it home, he thought.
“What brought you to Ireland?” Remus eventually asked.
Sirius’ hands stilled for a moment. “Self-discovery, I guess. My best friend – James – he told me I should find out who I am when he isn’t around. He’s getting married soon. She’s lovely, we are really close as well, I just- I panicked, I guess. I’m scared I won’t fit into his life anymore.”
Remus hummed softly. “You two sound close.”
“We are,” Sirius said. “He’s my brother in everything but blood. He helped me through some stuff, I guess, but as a result I can’t make a decision without consulting him first.”
Remus smiled. “So one of the first decisions you made was holding a lamb?”
Sirius huffed a laugh. “Hey, you offered.”
“I guess I did. Is there anything else you want to do while you’re in Ireland?”
Sirius thought about it for a moment, the itinerary in his mind, somewhere far at the back where it didn’t matter to Sirius anymore.
“I guess I want to see as much as possible. I have yet to try a proper Guinness. And…”
Remus turned his head. “And?”
Sirius smiled mischievously “Well, there is this Irish farmer whom I really want to kiss right now…”
Remus stared at him for a long moment, eyes widening, and for one terrifying second Sirius thought that maybe he had misinterpreted this, maybe the Irish were just nice and welcoming and-
“Just to be clear,” Remus said, “You mean me, right?”
Sirius laughed, and all the tension dissolved. “Yes, Remus, I mean you.”
“Thank God,” he mumbled and closed the distance between them.
The kiss was soft at first, as if they were both scared to ask for more. But then Sirius' hand moved into Remus’ hair, and Remus made a sound somewhere in his throat, and suddenly soft and gentle wasn’t enough anymore.
They pulled apart and Sirius put his head on Remus’ shoulder as they watched Cara again.
“I’m in Ireland for two more weeks,” he said quietly. “I had this plan, but I could just cancel it all-”
“Sirius,” Remus gently interrupted him. “This trip is about finding out what you want. Don’t change your plans just because of me. That’s not the point, hm?”
Sirius stayed quiet for a moment, because Remus was right. Letting go of James and latching onto another person for support wasn’t the point of this trip. It would just result in the same thing over and over.
“What about you?”
Remus kissed the top of Sirius’ head.
“I’ll still be there. I don’t have any plans to leave the farm anytime soon. Just enjoy your trip, Sirius. Ireland is beautiful. It would be a shame if you spent your time on one farm only.”
“Even if it’s a really nice farm?”
“Even then.”
They stayed on the beach until Cara decided she was wet enough and Sirius and Remus were not wet enough, and shook her fur out in front of them, resulting in yelps and laughter as they scrambled to get away. They held hands all the way back to the car, and when they arrived at the car park, Remus pulled him into another deep kiss.
“You should stay for dinner,” Remus said when they finally pulled into the farm’s driveway. “And tomorrow you could go on with your plans.”
“If you’ll have me?”
Remus laughed. “Sirius, I think I made it pretty clear that I’ll have you.”
The farm stretched out in front of them, and when Remus brushed his hand against Sirius’, he knew that this was one of the things he had wanted all along.