Chapter Text
cassie readjusted her tie for the millionth time, staring at herself in the mirror. she somehow looked disheveled despite all the work she’d put into her appearance.
maybe she was overthinking, overreacting. her hair was done back in a braid, there were no fly aways, her eye bags were concealed, and her suit jacket was pressed.
and yet, as she looked in the mirror, she couldn’t help but think something wasn’t right.
it was in her dimly lit room that the thought came to her. that maybe it wasn’t the outfit.
that maybe, it was her.
cassie stepped away from the mirror, chest suddenly feeling tight.
she looked down at her watch, 5:30pm. victoria’s christmas party started at six sharp. cassie knew she had to be there on time, not at five fifty nine or six oh one, it had to be six. victoria had told her. apparently victoria’s mother was a stickler for punctuality, which to cassie, made sense. that women ran a tight OR.
cassie made her way into the kitchen, grabbed the carefully wrapped gift that sat on her coffee table. she’d spent an obscene amount of time wrapping it, trying to make it look perfect; the edges of it were sharp, carefully outlined, and the bow on top was tied tightly, displayed carefully. she balanced a bouquet of roses on top of the gift. they were white, tied together with a silver bow.
they looked awfully plain, uncolored by nature. white roses seemed to be as clinical as you could make a flower. simplified, refined, controlled; they looked strange in cassie’s home, strange in her hands.
she shook her head.
get it together.
cassie grabbed her keys and headed out the door. the drive to victoria’s house was quiet, but in a slightly unnerving way. cassie had only been to victoria’s house one time, on the day victoria decided to tell her parents about them.
which went about as well and you’d think.
victoria’s parents were not happy, and had told victoria, in no uncertain terms, that she was making a mistake.
so it was safe to say, an invitation to their annual holiday party was not expected.
she’d opened the invite in the living room after work, off white and cursive writing. she asked victoria about it, who had been nose deep in her textbook. she pretended she had nothing to do with it. she was a bad liar.
so here cassie was, on the porch of the shamsi family home. hesitant.
it was big, white, three stories high and intimidating. she rang the doorbell, swallowed down the lump in her throat. cassie gave herself a once over by looking down to make sure everything was in order. what she saw was her shoe untied, the lace in a loose knot. she quickly leaned down to tie it, putting the present and the flowers to the side as she did.
though, it was at that moment that the door opened. cassie looked up, and met the eye-line of eileen shamsi, who was looking down at her.
which felt a bit ironic.
cassie stood up quickly.
“hi,” cassie lowered her head in greeting, “um, my shoe was untied.”
dr shamsi looked at her, an eyebrow raised. “i can see that.”
cassie felt herself cringe internally, she could practically feel her nerves firing off under skin. “um, thanks so much for having me.”
“yes, well, come in.” she moved to the side to let cassie slip in. cassie nodded, grabbing her gift off the floor while tucking the flowers in her armpit as she made her way inside.
eileen eyed her, looking down at the gift in cassie’s hand, saw the flowers balanced awkwardly in her armpit.
“for you,” cassie presented the flowers to her. dr shamsi looked at her extended arm, saw the flowers. she took them from cassie, holding them between her fingers, seeming reluctant to touch them.
“thank you,” she said; cassie tried to find the sincerity in her voice. “i’ll just go put these in a vase. gifts go over there.” she motioned to the tree in the living room and then excused herself, leaving cassie alone in their entryway.
she made her way over to the tree, tall and decorated nicely. though it lacked a certain warmth that the holiday season usually carried. cassie couldn’t think of another word other than clinical to describe it.
the lights were white, the ornaments hung with a surgeon's precision, and the star was balanced perfectly atop of the tree - shining in just the right way.
cassie hummed, putting her present next to the others, which despite cassie’s intense precision to make perfect, stuck out like sore thumb; it sank under a sea of golden wrapped gifts tied together with perfectly precise bows. they had a certain seamless elegance that cassie’s seemed to lack.
she was seriously considering grabbing the gift and taking it back to her car, but it was too late for that.
“cass!” cassie turned to meet the voice, which she knew belonged to victoria. she watched as she skipped over to her, taking a small leap into her arms making cassie momentarily lose her balance. though she recovered quick, holding victoria while she hugged her.
she pulled back from her neck, giving cassie a kiss on the lips, a short and sweet greeting.
“hi, baby.” victoria said, smiling. cassie smiled back.
cassie leaned in, placing another kiss on victoria’s lips. “hi, doe.”
cassie released her from her grip, planting her feet back on the ground.
“thank god you’re here, i was just about to die from boredom.” victoria said, groaning.
cassie smiled at that, rubbing comforting circles into victoria’s back. “really, from boredom? it can’t be that bad, can it?”
victoria rolled her eyes. “you have no idea,” she grabbed cassie’s hand and began dragging her in the direction of the party, “my uncle was just about to bore us with his time in washington.”
“washington?”
victoria nodded, “he’s a political strategist, which i think is a fancy word for a campaign manager. he just got this guy elected to congress.”
“wow, really? who’d he get elected?”
victoria shrugged, “i tuned out before he could tell us.”
cassie huffed, letting out a quiet laugh. when they made their way into the living room cassie was met with a lot more people than she thought would be here, it was a full house.
great.
before they could even make it in the room, somebody was walking up to them, a man in a well tailored suit, with an expensive looking watch shining on his wrist.
“victoria! how nice to see you.” he went in for a hug making victoria drop cassie’s hand to embrace; cassie’s hand flexed at her side before she shoved it in her pocket.
“uncle, it’s nice to see you too.” victoria smiled in greeting.
suddenly, victoria’s uncle turned to cassie, giving her an up and down. “and who is this?”
“oh! this is cassie,” she said, “cassie this is my uncle aaron.”
“it’s nice to meet you,” cassie wiped her hand on her pant leg before she stuck it out to shake, which did not go unnoticed.
victoria’s uncle eyed her carefully before shaking her hand.
“a friend of yours?” he asked, looking back at victoria.
victoria nodded, “well, yes, but cassie is my girlfriend. i’m sure my mother told you i was bringing someone this year.”
cassie watched as his eyebrows shot up in surprise. it was a few seconds before he spoke again, “oh, yes, she mentioned something like that.”
cassie could tell she was not who he, or anybody, expected victoria to bring. the thought added tension to her shoulders.
“um, well, let’s get you two something to drink, shall we? the bar is just this way.”
“sounds good.” victoria said, reaching her hand out for cassie once more, “we’ve got some killer apple cider.”
cassie let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, grabbing victoria’s hand, letting herself be pulled forward.
the bar was decked out in several bottles of wine, labels of which cassie didn’t recognize, probably expensive. victoria went to the other side of the bar, leaning down to grab a bottle of sparkling cider, which sat out of sight of the rest of the bottles.
victoria poured cassie a glass then moved to pour herself one. “you aren’t gonna have a drink?”
victoria shook her head, scrunching her nose. “no way, you remember my birthday.”
victoria was referring to her twenty-first birthday, where she had gotten very drunk, puked her guts out, and woke up the next day thinking she was dead.
cassie remembers talking to victoria after her first legal drink, a shirley temple with vodka in it. after her first sip victoria had asked if it was supposed to taste that way. cassie had laughed, told her yes, and explained that that was kinda the point.
victoria looked at the drink like it had personally offended her.
cassie watched as victoria finished behind the bar. she looked good, really good. her makeup was done, soft and radiant, her hair tied up in a neat knot, and she was wearing a long black dress that hugged her waist, accentuating her hips nicely.
“stop staring at me.”
cassie dragged her eyes up victoria’s body, slowly making eye contact, her smile turning into a smirk. “sorry,” she said, not truly meaning her apology. “you’re beautiful, it’s kind of hard not to stare.”
victoria rolled her eyes, but cassie could see a small blush forming on her cheeks, skin becoming a warmer hue.
it was cute. damn cute.
“shut up and drink your apple cider.”
cassie smiled, grabbed the glass from victoria and took a sip. cassie was surprised, pulling the glass back to examine the liquid inside.
“wait this is actually really good.”
“i told you so. now come meet some of my cousins. i told them all about you.”
cassie felt herself stiffen and victoria noticed, because of course she did. “don’t worry, they’ll love you.”
true to her word, victoria’s cousins were nice. they asked her questions, made jokes. she felt comfortable around them. and when victoria reached for her hand, interlacing their fingers together, she didn’t feel as out of place as she should.
cassie heard a voice from another room calling out that dinner was ready and walked over with victoria and her cousins. the table was long, set with nice cutlery and obviously expensive dinnerware - cassie immediately imagined herself cracking a plate or dropping a fork on accident, she made a mental note to be extremely careful.
when she walked up to the table she saw little name cards. she searched for hers and found it was placed on a middle seat, where she would be surrounded - easy to spot.
though what she truly noticed was that victoria’s place card was not next to hers, rather it was across the table, far away from casie.
victoria squeezed her hand, a silent support, she knew she was telling her that it would be okay. cassie relaxed momentarily, at least until victoria dropped her hand, moving to her seat across the table.
dinner was served in an orderly succession. cassie was picking at her salad when she heard her name.
“so cassie,” she looked up to meet the eyeline of eileen shamsi, “you’re an R3, aren’t you?”
“uh, yes,” cassie nodded. she tried to keep her voice stable, “yes, i am.”
“and you’re specializing in emergency medicine?”
"that’s the plan.”
“emergency medicine,” she hummed, “a very chaotic profession.”
cassie nodded slowly, unsure.
“yeah, it can be chaotic, really chaotic, but i like it. for me it’s the jack of all trades.”
“jack of all trades? do you not think specialization is important?”
the question was simple, the answer even simpler, and yet, cassie felt hesitant to answer - like she was going to fall into a trap, a trap she wasn’t clever enough to see.
she started slowly, “i mean, emergency medicine is a specialization… isn’t it?”
cassie watched eileen put her fork down firmly, the metal hitting the wooden table with a ‘thunk’. she turned her attention to victoria.
the eye contact they made was heavy, a silent conversation that cassie was not included in. eileen looked away first, and unfortunately for cassie, directed her attention back to her.
“are you where she gets the idea from?”
cassie cleared her throat, felt her pulse spike under her skin, “um, what idea?”
“specializing in emergency medicine,” eileen sighed, unamused, “wasting her talent down there.”
cassie raised a brow, looked at victoria. this was the first she was hearing of it.
“mom,” victoria finally spoke, “that’s enough.”
other conversations at the table had slowly begun to die down. cassie could hear the sound of utensils scraping against plates; the ambience of the tension.
“is this the reason you are so set on squandering your talents,” eileen motioned between her and cassie, “for this ridiculous relationship?”
“i’m not squandering anything. i can make my own decisions.” she said, response a matter of fact, leaving little room for debate.
still, eileen found a space to slither into. “you are a young impressionable girl, you aren’t thinking straight. you are going to ruin everything your father and i have worked so hard to give you.”
“given me?” cassie heard victoria’s voice beginning to rise in volume, “given me?! you had me in college at thirteen, you picked out my class schedules, chose my major, hell, you even chose my friends, and you think you gave that to me? no, mom. you forced that on me.”
“don’t be so dramatic, victoria.” eileen said, shaking her head in disapproval.
dramatic.
the word was small, simple, but not to victoria, her eyes narrowed, fists clenching in the table cloth; cassie could practically see the anger radiating off of her. and yet, cassie could see underneath it, that there was something else, something quieter, wrapped tightly, suffocated in the name of anger.
cassie, along with the rest of the table, waited for the other shoe to drop.
it didn’t.
cassie heard the steadying voice of victoria’s father take over the conversation, and with only a few words, he had eased the tension and shifted the conversation into something more calm for company. cassie was oddly impressed, though she wondered how often this happened if he was this good at it.
cassie looked over at victoria as things calmed down, she saw the tension still in her shoulders. she watched as she stood from the table, the legs of the chair scraping harshly against the hardwood, and walked away. she didn’t bother pushing in her chair.
cassie gave it a minute then wiped her face with her napkin, excusing herself from the table. she followed the direction where victoria had gone.
the back door was open, and cassie saw victoria outside, leaning against a beam of their gazebo.
she walked towards her, closing the back door behind her. victoria heard the sound of its frame being shut and turned to meet it. she looked out of sorts, upset, holding her arms tightly around her chest.
cassie smiled at her softly, stepping closer.
“well this is one hell of a party.” cassie tried to sound lighthearted, wanting to ease the tension off of victoria’s shoulders.
victoria let out a small laugh, relaxing ever so slightly. “yeah, one hell of a party.”
the lightness of the moment dipped as victoria crossed the space between them, shoving herself into cassie’s chest. cassie wrapped her arms around her, hands resting on her lower back.
it was quiet and cassie wasn’t sure what to say, if there was anything she could say.
victoria spoke before she could decide.
“sorry about all of this, my mom’s just pissed about me spending so much time in emergency medicine. she wants me to be a surgeon, like her.”
“and you don’t want to be?”
“no.” she answered with a scrunch of her nose, obviously repulsed by the idea.
“why not?”
victoria looked up at her, chin resting on her chest. “because i don’t want to. why are you asking?”
“i just, i didn’t think you’d want to stay in the ED. you’ve never mentioned it before.”
she shrugged, “i kind of just decided. i was talking to trinity about next year, about internship, and she mentioned olgilvie being my competition. and i don’t know, i just realized i want that spot. also it’ll be a bonus to see olgilvie lose.”
“so it’s a competition?”
“not really,” she said, “unless you think he can beat me.”
cassie shook her head, “no way, you’re too smart. he doesn’t stand a chance.”
victoria smiled up at her, then moved back to her original place, face tucked in cassie’s chest.
that should’ve been the end of it, cassie should’ve took victoria at her word, but something pulled at the back of her mind. a question.
“so you’re not doing it for me?”
victoria turned again, looking up at her; her grip on cassie’s torso loosening. “what?”
“what your mother said,” cassie clarified, “i mean, you're not doing it for me, are you?”
victoria blinked up at her.
“no cassie, i’m not doing it for you.” she said, taking a step back, dropping her hands from cassie completely. “did i not make that clear at dinner?”
“no - no, you did.”
“so why even ask that?” she said, crossing her arms.
cassie turned to the side, hand rubbing at the back of her neck. she thought carefully about what to say next. “i don’t know. i just want to know you are making this decision for yourself, and that if you don’t want to stay in the ED then you shouldn’t, not for me.”
“jesus, i’m not fucking doing it for you.” victoria emphasized the word ‘you’, “the fact that you can stand there and ask me that - is - is- god! are you being serious right now?”
was she? why had cassie even asked that? did she really think victoria would make a decision like this based on a whim? no, she knew victoria better than that, knew the thought that went into this decision. and yet, she had still asked.
why?
why?
the coil in her stomach tightened uncomfortably; deep down she knew the answer, and in this moment, it had dug itself out of her chest and taken root on the tip of her tongue.
everytime she was with victoria, cassie felt like she was stealing time, moments, from someone, somebody else; maybe somebody who was better for victoria.
somebody that could grow with her, who wouldn’t hold her back.
somebody who deserved to love her.
that somebody was not cassie. it was never going to be.
and the truth was, she didn’t want victoria to make this decision based on them, on their future.
because they had no future. not together.
victoria and cassie. cassie and victoria.
they'd always had an expiration date.
cassie sighed, defeated. “vic, i didn’t mean it like that. i know you can make your own decisions.”
“good.” victoria’s voice was still sharp, but cassie could hear it softening around the edges.
which only made this worse.
cassie cleared her throat, swallowing hard before speaking. “i just don’t think i should be one of those decisions.”
“…what…?”
cassie pulled her eyes to the side, squeezing them shut. she couldn’t be looking at victoria if she was going to do this. “i don’t think you should be with me.”
cassie looked back at victoria, who had her arms crossed over her chest, holding herself together. her eyes were glossy, threatening to spill over with tears.
cassie felt sick.
“hey, no, please don’t -please don’t cry,” she moved towards her instinctively.
victoria stopped her, palm pushed out against her chest. cassie watched her suck in a breath. for a long moment they just stared at each other; cassie could see the hurt in her eyes, she wondered if victoria could see the regret in hers.
“i, i think you should go.”
cassie blinked. one, two, three times.
“right,” she nodded, trying to swallow down the tightness in her throat. this is what she wanted. what else did she expect? “right. i’m sorry, i’ll - i'll go.”
she took a step back towards the door.
though she didn’t get very far before stopping, there was something weighing her down. a small box in her coat pocket - purple and neatly wrapped.
she pressed her hand against her chest, felt the box under the fabric of her jacket. she'd bought it months ago, just for victoria. if she walked away now cassie knew the gift would remain in her pocket, remain wrapped, collecting dust at the back of her closet. that didn't feel right to her. the gift wasn't hers, and would never truly belong to her.
so cassie turned back, made her way back over to victoria, who was crying now. when she saw cassie she wiped at her eyes quickly, sniffling her nose like it could mask the tears.
she looked at cassie and waited.
cassie reached into her jacket pocket, pulling out the box. purple wrapping paper tied together with a lilac ribbon. victoria’s favorite color. “um, this is for you.”
she outstretched her hand and waited for victoria to take it. but victoria didn’t move, rather she stayed standing firmly in place, staring at cassie with a look she'd never seen before.
cassie walked over to the bench of the gazebo, placing it on its arm rest.
the gift sat between them, heavy and unopened.
cassie looked to the side, held her lips in a tight line, trying not to say something stupid.
“merry christmas, victoria.”
well, so much for stupid.
when she looked at victoria again cassie felt her stomach drop, a hollow feeling crept up her throat, threatening to spill out. she sucked it down and stepped back, walking away.
this time she didn’t stop, didn’t turn back.
she wouldn’t let herself.
she made her way to the front of the house; she could hear the distant sounds of the party in the other room, but it got further away with each step.
she opened the front door and stepped through its frame. cassie looked at its handle, hesitating, rubbing her thumb against the metal knob.
she looked away from the door, closing her eyes, taking in a breath; the cold of the evening air ripping through her lungs.
cassie closed the door to the house.
closed the door to victoria.