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Tonight at Welton Acadamy, things are different. More depressing than usual.
In Neil and Todd's dorm, it's always peaceful at night. Neil is softly snoring. He's been asleep for a few hours, and usually, Todd would've also been asleep by now, but his mind decided to have other plans for him.
Tonight, Todd lays in his bed, unmoving. He's been looking up at the ceiling for what felt like decades, as he continued to count sheep.
Unfortunately, however, that can't ever save him from his mind. He's never been able to shut down those thoughts that bother him, especially when it's at night.
He hates himself.
He hates how he'll never be enough, like his brother, Jeffery is. He hates how he'll just get another desk next year like he did this time. He hates how shy and imperfect he is.
He hates himself, really.
He starts to think of his roommate, Neil. Todd's eyes dart to where he sleeps. Neil would never love him like Todd did, and will always see him as just his best friend. Forever.
Neil is everything that Todd isn't, and although he's loved Neil for months now, it would never work out.
He hates himself for knowing that he'll never be good enough for Neil Perry.
As the thoughts continue, his ocean blue eyes helplessly start to form tears. He tries to control himself and his overwhelming emotions, but a pathetic sob ends up leaving his throat anyway. He quickly looks back up at the ceiling, trying to take deep breaths, but they come out as a bunch of more sobs.
He tries to calm down, but all of his horrible thoughts keep bothering him, mocking him, letting him know that he'll never be enough.
He covers his mouth, trying to stay quiet, until–
"Todd?"
Todd quickly sits up, startled, and immediately looks across the other side of their room where Neil is. He starts to mirror Todd's movements in his own bed.
"Todd, are you alright?" Neil's voice is rough with sleep, but the concern is there. It always is.
Neil looks perfect, Todd quickly thinks to himself for a moment. He soon brings himself out of his thoughts, and back to the present, guilt now flooding inside him for disrupting Neil's sleep.
"Neil, I'm–I'm sorry, I just–" Todd cuts himself off, voice cracking miserably as tears start rolling down his cheeks. He looks away from Neil and buries his face in his hands, trying to cover the ugliest part of him. He thinks everything is ugly about him.
Todd takes a shaky wet breath, still not looking back at his roommate. He doesn't want the person that he loves to see the worst part of him. "Just–just go back to sleep. I'm sorry that I-"
"Todd," Neil interupts, concern evident in his voice. "I'm not going back to sleep while knowing something's wrong." Todd slowly moves his hands away and looks back at Neil, focusing his eyes on him in the dark.
The brunette's still sitting up. He doesn't look angry, especially not annoyed.
He'd never be annoyed with Todd.
Neil takes a deep breath, and whispers, "Todd, I need to know if you're okay. I know that it's always been hard for you to open up, but-"
"No. No, I'm not okay," Todd stammers out, despite his voice shaking, wanting to hold himself back. "I'm sick of how I'll never be good enough for— for anyone. I'm so tired of how I'll never be perfect for my parents, like Jeffery is!" He nearly shouts, not caring about his surroundings.
Todd doesn't even think he can stop himself at this rate. He's hurt. He's upset.
Neil's staring at him, mouth agape. His warm, brown eyes wide with surprise and so much worry.
"He's always been so confident, and I'm just–I've always just been me! Someone who can't ever bring himself out there. Absolutely pathetic. I'm–I'm so angry with myself that I don't and will never have that confidence Jeffery has! I'll never be able to tell you that I love you, but I'm–"
"What?"
Todd's lips seal shut right away, his stomach clenching. Please tell me I didn't say that. Please, please–
He bites his lip and immediately looks away, anxiety starting to fill up with his guilt and frustration.
Neil stares at Todd's face blankly, slowly taking in the words he's heard. "Todd. Todd, I'm–" He takes a shaky breath, not knowing what to say.
Todd covers his face again, shaking. He ruined their friendship. He ruined everything that he ever wanted. Neil was gonna tell the poets about the kind of freak Todd is, and none of them were ever going to speak to him again. The rumors were going to start, and they would be true. The entire school of Hellton was gonna know, oh no, they're gonna know. Everyones gonna know–
"Todd, c'mere." The murmur was soft.
Todd immediately moves his hands away from his face, looking back at Neil. His brown eyes look soft, curious, questioning.
No hint of disgust or anger.
"Todd, I'm not mad," Neil finally says. "It's just a lot to take in, but I'm not mad. Hell, I don't think I could ever be mad at you." He offers a soft chuckle. "Please Todd, c'mere-" He repeats his words gently.
Todd doesn't even think twice. He gets out of his bed and quickly goes to Neil's, more tears threatening to fall.
As he lays next to Neil, he is pulled into his arms, shaking a bit from the sudden movement.
"It's okay, Todd. I'm right here." Neil softly whispers. Those words were all it took for Todd to finally breakdown.
Todd immediately buries himself in Neil's chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Neil gently rubs his back and lets him cry. He needs this. Needs him.
Todd slowly sighs shakily. From everything he's bottled up for the past year, he finally feels relief.
After a while, Neil breaks the silence. "Todd, listen to me. I'd rather have a Todd than a Jeffery no matter what, and I don't care what anyone thinks," He softly murmurs in Todd's blonde hair. "And don't you ever think that you'll never be enough. Your personality is enough. You are enough. You're absolutely perfect to me, and to all of the other poets. Fuck, your poetry is incredible, and it's just so amazing to see what you're able to imagine and create."
Todd's tears have dried, and he slowly tilts his face up to look at Neil. He looks lost in thought as he still runs his hand up and down Todd's back.
"Todd, I—" He clears his throat, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Todd, I love you, too. I've been wanting to tell you for a while now, but I always got nervous and I-" Neil's voice trails off, his hand slowly brushing against Todd's soft hair.
He slowly continues, "I was worried you wouldn't feel the same." His voice soft, quiet.
Todd slowly talks, despite his voice still being shaky. "Neil, how could–I don't understand–how could I not love you, especially like that?"
Neil shamelessly smiles.
He leans more into Neil, and he feels the arms around him tighten, just by a bit. Letting him know he's not alone. "You're an amazing actor, Neil. You're just—you're just so talented in every way. Your personality makes you an amazing person, because you're so outgoing. You—you make me want to be involved."
He slowly looks away, completely embarrassed as he sees Neil's soft grin start to grow. "I'm–I'm sorry if I talked too much.. and I'm also sorry for waking you up. I really didn't mean–"
Neil quiets Todd with a soft kiss on his forehead.
Neil gently pulls Todd into his arms more. "Todd, I don't care if you wake me up, especially when you're crying. I always want to be there for you, no matter what." He gives Todd a gentle squeeze. "Just please don't ever bottle up your feelings like that again. I want to help you."
Todd gives him a soft nod, completely speechless and a little flustered from the earlier forehead kiss, and Neil smiles. "And don't apologize for talking too much. I love hearing your voice, Todd."
Neil's soft grin comes back as he whispers, "I'm glad I make you want to be involved in things, Todd. You belong to The Dead Poets Society, even if you don't usually talk. It's amazing just having you there, while we all read our poetry. It's comforting."
Todd blushes and whispers, "Neil, I–" His blush intensifies but doesn't look away from him this time. "It's comforting having you there, too."
Neil lets out a soft chuckle and he presses another kiss to Todd's forehead. They just lay in Neil's bed holding each other, despite it being ridiculously small. They have each other. They always will.
Neil reluctantly, but still whispers, "So, are you going to go back to–"
"No," Todd gently whispers. "No. I don't want to go back to my bed. You're warm."
Neil softly smiles and whispers, "I'm glad, Todd."
As the time passes, they both start to drift off, still holding each other.
For the first time in years, Todd's mind stays quiet.
He sleeps with a small smile on his lips.