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It had been a bit of a breakthrough for Shane. That night at Rozanov’s. Shane knew his feelings for the Russian were complicated. There were so many times in the past that he should have ended what was go between them before they got to where they were now but he had been weak from that day in the showers and now he was fucked.
Deep down, Shane knew he was gay. He hadn’t been with that many women but none of them made him feel the way Ilya did and that wasn’t a good sign. Part of Shane wondered if that was because he hadn’t met the right woman but straight people probably didn’t have to convince themselves that they were interested in the opposite gender.
Talking to Rose Landry was the most connection he had ever felt with a woman and as he sat there, talking to her, Shane couldn’t imagine kissing her. He didn’t want to. He knew that if most of his teammates were in his shoes then they would already be flirting with her and trying to convince her to leave with them but Shane couldn’t think of anything worse. No disrespect to Rose, she was nice to look at but she didn’t do anything for Shane.
All he could think about was a certain Russian he had run away from. It was probably for the best. What kind of future would he have with a guy like Rozanov? There wasn’t one and that was the worst part because Shane wanted there to be. Rozanov would have to return to Russia every summer and it wasn’t safe there to be gay. It wasn’t illegal to be gay anymore but it was illegal to ‘promote’ homosexuality. Shane didn’t really know what the difference was.
Rose was lovely. Too lovely and if he had been anyone else, they might have already left together by now. Shane, in true Shane Hollander fashion, was completely oblivious but social cues had never been his strong suit. “I’m sorry if I’m being too forward but I’ve been flirting with you for the past ten minutes and you haven’t even noticed.” Rose stated.
“I’m so sorry.” Shane said, feeling his entire face flush.
“It’s okay. I figured you were either oblivious or uninterested.” Rose shrugged.
“Um, kinda both.” Shane admitted. “Sorry, it’s nothing to do with you. You’re lovely and I’m enjoying talking to you but…” Shane trailed off. There was something about Rose that put him completely at ease and he wished all women were like this. Part of him wished talking to Rozanov was like this but that was what he loved about Rozanov.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. Unless you want to.” Rose offered with a smile. Shane felt a little bad. They’d only just met each other and here he was, ready to dump his emotional baggage on the poor actress.
“I could probably do with letting it out. But not here. It’s too public.” Shane admitted.
“I could always come back to your place with you? Get your teammates off your back and give us complete privacy?” Rose suggested.
“Is that okay? You know what everyone’s going to think.”
“I don’t care that your teammates think we’re going to get laid. What’s the other option? You tell them the truth?” Rose pointed out. Shane had to admit, she had a point.
Taking Rose back to his apartment felt strange. The only person who had ever been here, not including his teammates or family, was Ilya. It seemed strange to bring Rose here but that was just the way Shane’s mind worked. He had been subjected to the usual ribbing from his teammates but Shane had just ignored all of them. It didn’t matter what they thought. He knew the truth. “Nice place.” Rose commented as she made herself comfortable on the couch. She kicked off her heels and tucked her legs up underneath her. Shane did what he usually did and took his shoes off by the door, lining them up neatly next to the other pairs. He also hung his jacket up and put Rose’s jacket on a hook. He needed everything to be in order before he made himself comfortable and bared his soul to the girl he had just met.
“Thank you. Can I get you anything to drink? I apologise but I don’t have anything alcoholic considering it’s the middle of the season.” Shane replied. “Sorry, I should have said something before we got here. We could have stopped somewhere along the way.”
“It’s fine.” Rose smiled. “What do you have?”
“Mostly ginger ale.” Shane said.
“That’ll do.” Rose assured. She once again put Shane at ease with her smile. Once he’d grabbed two cans of ginger ale from the fridge, Shane sat down on the couch next to Rose, handing one can over to her. “You look nervous. Don’t be. I won’t bite.”
“I, just, I’ve never told anyone before.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything.” Rose reminded him. Shane knew this but he needed to get it off his chest. He had no idea how any of his teammates would respond. He was pretty sure Hayden would be supportive but he couldn’t say that for certain about anyone else. It was terrifying. These people he’d spent so much of his life with but had kept himself hidden for so long.
“I kinda want to tell someone. But I’ve never told anyone before.” Shane admitted.
“It’s okay. Take your time.” Rose soothed. She moved closer to Shane and put a comforting hand over his. It made him miss Ilya all the more. Shane wasn’t the biggest fan of physical contact, especially with people that he didn’t know that well but her hands were too small and dainty.
“I’m gay. Although I’m sure you guess that much for yourself.” Shane said with a self-depricating laugh. Rose moved closer and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug.
“Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me.”
“I’ve never even said that out loud before.” Shane said, softly. He still couldn’t quite believe it. He was gay. And he had told someone. Someone who didn’t look at him in disgust. Someone who hadn’t run away.
“Oh, Shane.” Rose frowned. He could tell it upset her. But it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t Shane’s fault. The job he did made it difficult for him to be open about his sexuality. Shane didn’t want to be the first openly gay hockey player. No one wanted to be the first. It meant opening yourself up to so much hurt. Besides, there was only one guy Shane wanted to be with and that wasn’t going to happen so why did he need to worry about coming out?
“It’s okay. Well, it’s not but…”
“Can I ask you some questions? You don’t have to answer any of them if they make you uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, you can ask. I can’t promise I’ll answer.” Shane agreed.
“Have you ever been with a guy?”
“Yes.” Shane replied with a soft smile. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ilya. He could try as much as he wanted to but he would always keep crawling back to the Russian. Even now, he was sure they would end up in bed again soon enough. Even though Shane was terrified that Ilya might feel the same way he did. Even though Shane had fled. Ilya had called him Shane and that didn’t mean anything.
“That smile says everything! Who is he?” Rose smirked.
“I can’t tell you that. He’s closested too.”
“It must be kind of serious if he’s got you smiling like that!” Rose observed.
“It’s just casual sex.” Shane corrected.
“It’s casual sex but you’re in love with him.” Rose guessed.
“How did you know?”
“The look on your face. You’re clearly remembering something good.”
“I’ve only ever been with him.” Shane confessed. “I’ve been with girls before we started this whole casual sex thing and there’s no comparison. It wouldn’t have been fair to string you along when I know there’s no future for me with a girl.”
“I appreciate you being honest with me. I will never tell anyone what we have discussed here tonight.” Rose assured.
“Thank you. For being here.”
“Is there no one you can tell? What about your parents and your friends? It must be so lonely for you to have to keep this to yourself.” Rose continued.
“All my friends are hockey players. What if they hate me? What if they look at me differently? I’m the captain and I just don’t want to risk any tension from the team. And my parents. I’ve been lying to them for so long. I don’t know how to stop. I think they would support me no matter what but what if they don’t?” Shane rambled.
“What if they do?”
Shane was terrified but he knew Rose was right. He couldn’t keep bottling this up. He had to tell someone and surely his parents would love him no matter what. Rose had offered to come with him. Shane knew how lucky he was to have met Rose that night. In no time at all she had become one of his closest friends and he didn’t know what he would do without her support in his life. Since she was filming the new X-Squad movie so close to his apartment, she spent most of her nights with him when neither of them had any other plans. Shane could tell that Hayden was getting jealous of all the time he spent with Rose but his teammates and apparently the rest of the world thought he was now dating Rose Landry.
He took a deep breath to try and calm himself before walking through the door. Yuna and David were expecting him tonight as Shane had called ahead. Mostly so that he couldn’t back out of going to see them. If he was intending to show up uninvited then he would have chickened out long before arriving at their front door.
Yuna was waiting in the hallway to pull Shane into a tight hug the moment he stepped through the door. David was in the kitchen, making some dinner for the three of them. “Oh, Shane, it’s so good to see you.” Yuna beamed.
“You see me all the time, mom. I don’t live that far away.” Shane pointed out.
“Yes but this is still a little unusual. You don’t normally call us to come over for dinner in the middle of the season. You’re normally so preoccupied with the playoffs.” Yuna reasoned. Shane had to admit that his mom had a point.
“Alone tonight?” David remarked, pulling Shane into a brief hug.
“What do you mean, dad?”
“Well, we’ve been hearing a lot of rumours about you and Rose Landry. That’s all.” David replied. Shane couldn’t help the frown that briefly crossed his face. That was the only problem with both him and Rose being notable celebrities. Their many outings together were being interpreted as them dating. Neither of them had commented on the rumours, feeling as though it was better not to add fuel to the flames.
“I’m not dating Rose Landry. She’s a friend. That’s all.” Shane stated. Yuna and David could tell from the tone of their son’s voice that he didn’t want to talk about it. Shane knew his parents just wanted to be happy for him. They worried about him. He had never publicly dated anyone. He had never been in a relationship serious enough for him to introduce them to his parents. Shane couldn’t imagine Ilya meeting his parents. It sounded like a nightmare. Shane knew his life would flash before his eyes every time Ilya opened his mouth in the direction of his parents because you could never predict what the Russian was going to say. It was one of the things Shane loved about him.
“That’s okay. And if she was more than a friend then that’s okay, too.” David said.
“She won’t be. No girl will ever be more than a friend.” Shane tried.
“That’s okay, too.” Yuna assured. She moved forward to pull Shane into another tight hug. David joining her this time.
“It is? It’s okay that I’m gay?” Shane checked.
“Of course, baby. It doesn’t matter to us who you love. As long as you are happy. That is all we want for you.” Yuna continued. Shane couldn’t help the tears that welled in his eyes. He was so relieved. He had been pretty sure that his parents would be okay with it but having the confirmation meant everything to him. There were so many ways this could have gone wrong but Shane was so grateful to have the parents that he did. He knew that not everyone was as lucky as him.
After Shane had come out while still standing in the hallway, the Hollander family had moved into the living room. Yuna had the Bears vs Admirals game on the TV. David flitted between the living room and the kitchen to keep checking on dinner. Shane enjoyed watching Ilya play, there was just something so mesmerising about it. Shane loved and hated playing against him. No one challenged him quite like Ilya. No one brought out the best in him like Ilya. They were perfect for each other in more ways than one. Shane really hoped that he wuld be able to see Ilya again and clear the air. The Canadian knew that all of this was his fault. He never should have run away but everything had seemed so real when he was there in Ilya’s house, straddling his lap as they both came into his hand.
It wasn’t much longer before the food was ready so Shane and Yuna joined David in the dining room and they heaped the food onto their plates before tucking in. “Is there someone in the picture? Is that why you’ve finally told us?” Yuna asked.
“What do you mean?” Shane clarified.
“Shane, baby, we’ve suspected that you might be gay for years. You’ve never had a girlfriend, never even been linked to a woman. Initially, we thought you were just married to hockey but as the years have passed, well, it was a reasonable assumption to make.” Yuna explained.
“No. I’m not with anyone right now.” Shane replied.
“Right now? So you have been in the past?” Yuna checked. Shane cursed himself for wording his answer in the way he had.
“Never anything serious.” Shane stated, leaving no room for arguments. He knew both of his parents had a lot to say and a lot to ask but he really didn’t want to talk about it tonight or ever.
“How did it go?” Rose asked when Shane made it back to his apartment. She had been staying over in the guest room a lot but Shane imagined it was better than staying in a hotel. Even though it did mean Rose had to wake up earlier to get back to the hotel she was meant to be staying at in time for her pick up.
“Really well. They both had a feeling I might be gay.” Shane sighed.
“Not as subtle as you thought you’d been?” Rose checked with a smirk.
“My lack of a girlfriend had been noted.” Shane deadpanned.
“Ever?”
“I dated a girl in high school but that ended when I was like seventeen.” Shane said.
“What about this guy you’re in love with? How long has that been casual for?” Rose continued. The longer they spent in each other’s company and the closer they became, the more willing Shane was to tell her about Ilya without telling her about Ilya.
“Since before my rookie year.” Shane confessed.
“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.” Rose stressed.
“What?”
“Six years? You’ve been hooking up with the same guy for six years?” Rose double checked.
“Yeah…”
“No wonder you’re in love with the guy.” Rose scoffed. “And you’ve never been with anyone else in that time?”
“I didn’t see the need to. I was having regular sex with a guy who is great at it. Who always makes me feel amazing. Why would I go looking for someone else?” Shane asked.
“Oh, you were asking for trouble. What about him?”
“What about him, what?” Shane queried.
“Was he seeing other people?”
“Yes.” Shane frowned. He didn’t like to think about the fact that even though he had only been sleeping with Ilya, the Russian’s exploits had been splashed in multiple news articles. And like a masochist, Shane had read most of them.
“Oh, Shane.” Rose sighed, pulling him into a hug.
“We weren’t exclusive. There was no reason for him not to be hooking up with other people.” Shane reasoned. “Besides, I’m the one that broke things off with him last month.”
“Why did you do that? If you’re in love with him?”
“Because it was different.”
“How was it different?”
“It’s quite a recent thing, me going to his place and him coming here. We used to only hook up in hotels.” Shane started. Rose raised her eyebrows but thankfully remained silent. Shane didn’t think he would make it through this story if she interrupted him and Rose seemed to know that. “But I went to his place last time and as I was getting ready to leave, he suggested that I stayed. The game we were playing in that city wasn’t until the following afternoon so I didn’t see why I shouldn’t. He then made me a tuna melt. He had his fridge stocked with ginger ale, which I didn’t think about until after. We then hooked up on the couch and he called me Shane. Six years we’ve been hooking up and he’s called me Hollander the entire time. It scared me. I know I’m in love with him but for the first time it felt like maybe he might like me back and I didn’t know how to deal with that. So I ran.”
“Shane… It sounds like he might feel the same. Something has definitely shifted between you and I can understand why you ran. But maybe you don’t have to.”
“There’s no future for us, Rose. There can never be a future for us.” Shane stressed. Rose couldn’t fully understand, not without telling her the whole truth. The dirty secret that he had been keeping since the day they’d filmed the CCM commercial.
“But why?”
“Because… he’s Ilya Rozanov.” Shane whispered.
“Oh, Shane.” Rose repeated, holding him tighter. Shane knew it was bad. The situation had always been less than ideal but seeing it through Rose’s eyes was going to make it so much worse.
“I know it’s bad.” Shane frowned.
“It’s kind of sweet. Bitter rivals who are supposed to hate each other but have been secretly hooking up and fall in love. It could be the plot of a romance novel. Or a movie.” Rose said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yeah, but unlike a book or a movie, there isn’t going to be a happy ending.”
“Why not? Who says you can’t be happy together?” Rose queried.
“Rose…”
“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy for either of you but nothing worth keeping is ever easy. There must be a reason that despite everything, you two keep finding your way back to each other. You need to get him back.” Rose shrugged. “It’s going to make your match against Boston in two days a lot more interesting.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Do you want me to come? For moral support?” Rose offered.
“You’d do that?”
“I do like hockey.”
Shane was nervous. More nervous than he had ever been before a match and that was saying something because he’d played a lot of nerve wracking matches over his long career. Having Rose here, knowing she was silently supporting him did help. She was also sending everyone into a frenzy by wearing a Hollander jersey. Shane thought it was funny but he could tell from the look on Ilya’s face that he did not.
They took the first face off of the match, because of course they did. This was Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov, after all. Besides they were both captains of their respective teams. “Hollander.” Ilya greeted, harshly.
“Rozanov. Can we talk?” Shane asked.
“We are talking.”
“I mean, after the game. In private.” Shane corrected.
“Why don’t you go and talk to Rose Landry.” Ilya replied.
“Are you jealous?” Shane checked.
“No.” Ilya said but Shane could see the colour in his cheeks.
“You are!” Shane gasped, delighted.
“No.” Ilya repeated.
They couldn't say anything more because the game started and then they were far too busy. It wasn’t a great game for either of them but Ilya seemed to be struggling more than Shane. This meant that Montreal won, although Shane knew he was still going to have to face the wrath of the fans and the eagle eyed reporters who would have spotted every little mistake he made. It wasn’t going to be fun talking to the media after this game but at least they won. Shane was glad he wasn’t in Ilya’s position. When he got back to the locker room, he found a text.
Lily: Where?
Jane: My apartment? In an hour?
Lily: Okay
At least Ilya had agreed to meet him. Shane had no idea how this was going to go and he had a bad feeling about this but he was done hiding. He was gay and he wasn’t ashamed of it. And he was in love with Ilya Rozanov. It was a terrible idea. There were so many ways that this could go wrong. Ilya might not feel the same and that would break Shane’s heart. He might feel the same but not be able to be with Shane which would also break his heart Or Ilya could feel the same and want to be with him. Shane thought the last one was very unlikely but he had to try. Even if he got his heart broken in the process. At least then he would know and he could try and move forward from here.
Shane had to stop himself from running to the door when he got the text from Ilya to say that the Russian had arrived. Shane went downstairs to let him in and was a little surprised when Ilya had him shoved against the wall with the Russian’s tongue in his mouth as soon as the door had shut behind Ilya. “Wait, wait.” Shane said, somehow summoning the strength to push Ilya away.
“You want me to fuck you?” Ilya checked.
“We need to talk.” Shane stated.
“Can talk after.”
“We’re going to talk now. We can have sex after.” Shane insisted. Ilya rolled his eyes but made his way up the staircase. Shane both loved and hated the familiarity he did this with.
“You want to talk, talk.” Ilya stated, making himself comfortable on the couch. Shane noted how the Russian had taken his shoes off at the door and had lined them up alongside Shane’s. He had also hung his jacket on one of the hooks and it warmed Shane’s heart to see that he had done this.
“I can’t keep pretending.” Shane started, joining Ilya on the couch.
“Pretending what?”
“That I’m not gay for one thing.” Shane said. Ilya started laughing. Shane wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time. “Shut the fuck up.”
“I don’t know how you think you were pretending that you’re not gay. How many times have you had my dick in your ass?” Ilya laughed.
“Ilya…” Shane trailed off. “This whole time I’ve been pretending that I like girls, too. But I don’t.”
“Does your girlfriend know that?”
“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Shane said.
“You don’t? Does Rose Landry know this?”
“You are jealous.” Shane said, beaming.
“Not jealous.”
“Ilya, I’m gay. I have never dated Rose. I’ve never had sex with Rose. She is my friend. She is the first person that I told I was gay. I was sitting in a restaurant talking to her and I enjoyed the conversation. But all I could think about was how the rest of my teammates would have sat there thinking about getting her into bed and I couldn’t imagine anything worse. I am not attracted to Rose Landry. I am not attracted to any woman. Or anyone othr than you.” Shane rambled.
“There’s really nothing going on between you two?” Ilya checked, sounding hopeful.
“It’s a bit difficult considering I’m in love with my rival.” Shane confessed. Ilya froze and Shane could practically see the cogs turning in his head.
“No you’re not.” Ilya denied.
“Ilya…”
“You can’t be. We can’t be anything, Hollander.” Ilya tried.
“This is your fault, you know? If you hadn’t invited me to stay. Hadn’t made me a tuna melt and given me a ginger ale. Hadn’t called me Shane… We might have been able to avoid this. I’m done pretending that I don’t love you. Because I do. I love you so much it scares me.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu.” Ilya whispered as he brought his hands up to cradle Shane’s face as he pressed a gentle kiss to the Canadian’s lips.
“What does that mean?”
“It means I love you. I love you, too, if that wasn’t clear.” Ilya replied.
“What do we do?” Shane asked.
“I don’t know. It’s not safe. We can’t be together. No matter how much I want to be with you. I only want to be with you. But I still have commitments in Russia. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t think twice about never returning. I wish I didn’t have to. Believe me, I really do but until there is nothing left, we can’t.” Ilya frowned.
“Or we could. We’ve kept the whole hook up thing a secret for so long. What difference does it make if we keep our relationship a secret?” Shane reasoned. He didn’t know what he would do if Ilya shut him down. He had known it was a possibility that Ilya felt the same but still wouldn’t allow them to be together but Shane had been so sure that he had fallen in love with the Russian and Ilya didn’t feel the same. It seemed silly to turn their backs on each other despite being in love.
“You would be okay with that?” Ilya checked.
“I wasn’t planning to come out publicly any time soon and I’m not ready to share this with the world either.” Shane smiled. Ilya couldn’t resist kissing him again. It didn’t take them long to make their way to the bedroom. Shane had a lot to thank Rose for. But he could do that later. For now, Ilya was the only thing that mattered.