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There sat Jax, in the middle of an open field of flowers; wondering, pondering, and most importantly, sulking - trying to figure out just where exactly had all of this started.
Just when did his heart begin to yearn for Pomni?
The him from several months ago would've scowled at the idea of even considering Pomni as something. Now his concern was whether or not their 'something' was reciprocated enough that she'd accept flowers from him. Not that he should feel the need to get her flowers; There’s never been someone that Jax has wanted to give flowers to before.
Nor has he.
Honestly, this whole thing is very confusing. He blames today's adventure. And Caine. And Gangle. And Zooble.
Zooble and Gangle. It was mostly those two's fault. He and Pomni had never needed to label themselves. It wasn’t something that had ever been a problem before, and Jax never felt the need to question what they were. Because he felt secure. Pomni felt safe and welcoming and all the things that could have a label but didn’t need one and that should’ve been enough. So long as he could find her in his arms and vice versa, they were fine. Or at least, it was fine. until earlier this morning, that is. Today just had to be the day that Zooble decided to make it ‘official’ with Gangle. The two had been flitting around each other for so long, that Jax had convinced himself that it would never happen. Today was different, though. It was special. The kind of day where make believe becomes real, and in a moment that Jax had almost ruined - Zooble had asked Gangle to be the label to their label. The apple of their eye, the sun to their sky, the girlfriend to their person.
Really, it had been quite the show.
In the midst of it, a minor argument had begun between him and Zooble. An off-handed comment about how there wasn’t a single person who would ever want to be with Jax, and that was enough to shut him up for the rest of the morning. He figured him and Pomni were pretty obvious. I mean, yeah they didn’t have labels and they weren’t holding hands and cuddling each other in public, but they were still something. They couldn’t have been that subtle. Jax wasn’t imagining things. He wanted to argue back to Zooble that there was someone, but a sinking feeling of doubt had emerged and so he didn’t bite back. Instead, choosing to separate himself from the rest of the group to sulk.
Because today just had to be a special day. Today just had to be Valentine's day. Of course it was.
For Zooble and Gangle to just call it as it was; to say it like it was the easiest thing in the world when he couldn't even call his thing with pomni more than 'something'? It felt unfair. Embarrassing. It made him feel unsure of himself and of her feelings for him. Unsecure. Insecure. And where Zoobles' words never really hit him where it hurt, this time it stung. Because why would Pomni stick around with someone who couldn't even look her in the eyes, and tell her the bare minimum. When did he become such a coward?
The burden of it all brought him here, sitting in the vast field alone, ripping at stray grass and mumbling to himself about his feelings. He should’ve been doing his part in helping find cupid's bow…or hammer….or torch......whatever today's adventure was. But his mind just wasn't in it. He couldn't stand being around everyone else, and especially not Pomni, who he was sure was bound to shut him out by the end of today.
And here he was pondering if he should get her flowers. Great.
A light breeze sways the mass of flowers. Heart shaped clouds part over top blue skies. The sun unveils itself in an array of beams, one of which falls on a small patch of flowers just in front of him. His gaze follows it from top to bottom, searching the illuminated ring until his eyes cast on something peculiar.
In a field of lilies, peonies and carnations; smothered and hidden between the group of reds and pinks, is a small meek daisy. Before he can think any further on it, his hand reaches into the circle to pluck it from its place. Even as he pulls it into the shade with him, he can feel the warmth of the sun's rays still clinging to the small flower. Jax smooths the petals with his fingers and decides quite shamefully to do something very elementary.
Because when all else fails, ask a flower.
And honestly, Jax could use some clarity. Or advice. Anything to get him through his amalgamation of feelings. Some way to know that Pomni does feel the same about him. That he isn’t crazy for thinking that they have something.
He takes hold of the first petal, clutching it tightly between his fingers. He gazes just a little longer at his superstitious hostage and somewhere in the back of his head, he’s reminded of a song. Back then, they sang it simply to annoy Zooble, but here now, it felt more fitting - more in line with his inner turmoil. So as Jax plucked at the petal, he let the words roll out his mouth, not caring much about his pitch or if anyone heard him.
"Daisy, Daisy," He made a mental note, ‘She loves me’, and continued along quite carefully.
"Give me your answer, do."
‘She loves me not.’
"I'm half crazy," Jax tears more confidently at the next petal.
‘She loves me.’
"All for the love of you." That temporary prowess retreats, and weakly, he tears at the next petal in line.
‘She loves me not.’
"It won't be a stylishly marriage,--"
‘She loves me.’
"I can't afford a carriage,--"
‘She loves me not.’
"But you'll look sweet, upon the seat,--"
‘She loves me.’
"Of a bicycle built for--"
Jax stops. His hand lingers in the air above the last petal. His chest tightens and his grip falters.
This was stupid. More than stupid.
What a stupid day today has been, and how dumb is it that he even entertained the thought of him and her anyway.
He doesn't bother plucking the last petal of his humiliation. Jax tosses it as far away as he can(which isn't too far, because it lands back at his feet) and curls tightly into his knees. The rays from the sun overcast again, and the air grows stiff and cold when the wind abruptly halts.
Everything feels rather pointless. Jax feels idiotic. He wants to go back in his room and pretend like today never happened. He wants to turn the clock forward, so Valentine’s day ends, and a regular, nothing day begins. He wants to hide, so that he doesn't have to face Pomni, and hear her say that the two of them...aren't something. He doesn't wanna face the possibility that today could simply be the end of them. That Pomni will want something that he can't give her and that she'll leave.
How messed up is it that they're close enough that he has to even worry about her leaving. This is all backwards.
It's Pomni who should be worried about him leaving her. It's Pomni who should be dying and begging for all of his attention and affection. He's supposed to be the prize. When did his ego die? When had he allowed Pomni will it away? When did Pomni get the right to turn him inside out and make him second guess everything about himself? He really needs to -- he really should–!
"Ow!"
His thoughts are abruptly(and quite rudely) interrupted by something jabbing him in the back. He whips around rather quickly, deep scowl and all until--
Pomni. It's Pomni. She's standing behind him, concerned smile, and a bow that's just about the entire size of her tight in her hands.
Huh, guess it really was cupid's bow. Perhaps his brain was listening way more than he initially thought.
The only thing missing from her get up is an arrow to shoot. Her stance however, conveys that she had indeed shot something. Jax raises a brow, and checks the grass around in search of her missing bullet. Lo and behold, resting limply on the ground is a gold arrow with a heart shaped tip. Points where points are due, Pomni never seems to miss her shots. It gets a small smile out of him, though it doesn’t last very long.
"Mind if I join you?" He notes that she sounds a little off kilter. Nervous. Even her gaze wavers a little, her hands fiddling with the string of her newly acquired bow. He pats the spot beside him, turning away from her and back towards the field.
"Do what you want."
And just like that, Pomni flops on the ground beside him and silence wafts over them.
Birds fly overhead in flock, stray petals lifted into the atmosphere by a soft returning breeze. Pinks and reds all flutter into the sky - and if Jax looks close enough(and he really tries not to) he can see very few whites. The serenity is broken when Pomni finally speaks, that shyness present again.
"I was looking for you, y'know." She doesn't look Jax in the eyes, just hunches her posture over top Cupid's bow and stares gentle holes into the ground.
If today was yesterday, Jax would've pulled Pomni in close. He wouldn't have thought twice about resting his head on hers, while she leaned up against his shoulder. But now, he's not so sure if Pomni would be comfortable with that. Had he ever asked her what made her comfortable, before? She was always catering to his needs, always there for him when he started to unravel and fall apart. But had there ever been a time when he'd done the same for her? Has he ever really been Pomni's shoulder?
“Jax?” The concern in her tone brings him back to. He shoots a quick glance her way, only to find her peering back at him with eyes way too serious for his liking. He feels shameful, whipping his head back forward to hide away from her.
“Uh, sorry. You got the bow, right? So the adventure’s over.”
"Actually, I'm sort of--well not sort of, I am holding up the adventure."
That gets his face scrunching up in confusion. What reason would Pomni have to hold them up here? If anything, normally she hates these types of adventures. He would’ve thought she’d be the first person to want to end it sooner than later. Then again, this is Pomni. He should know by now that she can be a bit surprising. Spontaneous, even. Her initial interest in him was already an example of that.
“I mean, come on -- you don’t really think I would still have the bow if the adventure was over, do you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe Caine’s giving out consolation prizes.”
“No! I just...borrowed it from Ragatha for a bit. That’s all.”
She pulls at the string and watches it bounce back into place with a bellowing,‘doi-ng’. Then she repeats the action, rather melodically, perhaps to soothe her own nervousness. Jax supposes that's why she must be so unusually anxious. She must be thinking about how upset everyone else is that she’s keeping them here. If he was in a better mood, he would’ve found it funny.
"Okay, so you're holding us hostage here. For what?"
"I felt...inclined to find you."
"How do you know that's not Caine messing with your head?"
Pomni shrugs, eyes lifting to glance at him. Beneath the smug look in her eyes, he can find something more pressing. She holds an air of knowing more than she’s letting on and he can only guess that’s the real reason she snuck off to find him.
"What’s got you thinking about Caine so much? You know, I’m here too."
“I….I don’t know.”
They drift into another silence. This time Pomni doesn’t say anything. She seems, instead, to be waiting on him to speak. So Jax says the only thing that’s been on his mind since Zooble’s ‘proposal’, because he doesn’t know how else to talk to Pomni right now. Her own words from several months back ring in his head as if a reminder. ‘You need to be more honest about what you’re feeling. I can’t read your mind.’ For her, he’d at least try. She deserved someone that could give her the bare minimum.
"Are you...comfortable with me?"
That stern look that Pomni’s been dying to put on, comes out. Jax does everything in his power to stare at a pink carnation like it’s the only thing in the world that matters.
"Where did this come from?"
"I'm just thinking." His shoulder’s tense at the feeling of Pomni scooting closer to him. He can feel her hand reach out to rest over top of his; a gesture that usually brought comfort eliciting the opposite out of him. He wants to pull his hands back and away from her, a feeling of unworthiness washing over him. He doesn’t deserve her affections, not if he can’t even label their relationship. His next words slip out much too quickly for him to stop them, and it only makes him feel more guilty.
"What are we?" Pomni seems to ponder for a moment, eyes drifting away from him momentarily to think.
"We're whatever you want us to be." Internally, Jax feels something boil to the surface. Frustration, anger and some third thing that he can’t even begin to identify. It’s hard to know where it starts and where it ends, but he just knows that he’s upset. Pomni’s response is less than what he’d wanted. It feels like - not that it is - but it feels like he's the one holding her hostage. This shouldn’t feel like a situationship or something undefined. What he has with Pomni is firm, clear in his mind. Or at least, he hopes it is. It shouldn’t kill him to say what they are and call it the same way that Zooble and Gangle can, so what’s stopping him from doing so? Why can’t he just say it? And why is Pomni so okay with it?
His face must be going through all sorts of whiplash, because in his haze of anger, he feels Pomni squeeze his hand. It’s a momentary relief, though when he tries to speak, his voice still comes out louder than he means it too. And maybe just a little charged.
"Don’t do that!"
"Do what?"
"Stop–settling for less! You just take what I say and--and roll with it like it's just-- you have a say in this too!"
"...Jax, is this about Gangle and Zooble?" That shuts up him long enough for Pomni to know that she’s right. She says it so flat, Jax has to wonder if she's angry at him for being bothered by the whole thing. He can feel the shame pooling within, a sense of disappointment and a growing need to hide. It’d be a miracle if Pomni doesn’t end up hating him by the end of today. How could she continue to feel so much as anything positive toward him when he was doubting their relationship.
"--Look, I'm glad that they're able to…pinpoint their relationship, and call it as it is, but we aren’t them. It’s not fair to compare what we have to what they have, especially because it isn’t the same at all. I'm happy with you Jax. I'm comfortable and I feel appreciated. I'm not going anywhere, and especially not over something as silly as a label. If you're not ready to-"
"-But I am! I-- urgh, I want this! What we have, whatever this is, I want it to stay. I just...it doesn’t feel right calling you my...y'know."
"Girlfriend?"
"Yeah. It doesn't fit us. And I'm...worried…I'm doing this whole thing wrong."
Pomni chuckles lightly, but her tone is soft. Caring and understanding. It makes everything feel better. And though he still feels a little tense, Jax finds himself easing in his spot next to her. Uncurling his knees from his chest, letting them splay out in front of him while he scoots the last bit of distance between them away. Pomni’s hand tightens over his, and jax, finally squeezes back.
"You and Ragatha, always overthinking everything. Then we don't have to be 'Boyfriend' and 'Girlfriend'."
"Then what are we?"
"We're together. I thought that was pretty obvious."
"That's all?"
"You know,” Pomni flips on her side to face him straight on, "It doesn't need to have a fancy title to make it special, right? We can just be."
"And that's okay?"
Pomni reads him well. The look on her face when he asks is enough confirmation that, yes, it is okay. But she still responds verbally as if punctuating the point, refusing to let there be any misunderstanding.
"Thats okay."
"Okay."
With conviction, Jax pulls Pomni into his side.The stress and doubt of the day melts away with the feeling of Pomni nestling into him. The soft sound of her playful giggles tearing at the last of his tension, and he refuses to second guess anything else as he squeezes her in tighter. As the clouds disappear and the field glows and basks underneath the warm sunlight, Pomni’s hand drags up something from the ground. She holds the plucked daisy between the two of them, spinning it in her fingers round and round between her fingertips.
"I noticed that you might've been busy doing something before I came?" Jax frowns in embarrassment, but Pomni seems all too keen on ignoring it.
"Which one is this?"
"She loves me not." He grumbles the words out, reaching to pull it from her hands when Pomni suddenly bursts into laughter. It catches him so off guard, that freezes with his hand midair, raising a brow in her direction.
"You didn't finish it!"
"What?"
"Look, look here. She loves me not–" Pomni tugs on the last petal, pulling it from its place, quickly tossing it aside.
Except, it's not the last petal. Another petal is behind it, tucked so snuggly into the first one that Jax had missed it. He'd completely, utterly, missed it. And as he looks over to Pomni, she's smiling up at him with so much love and adoration that he doesn't bother to look away to watch her pluck the real last petal.
"She loves me."