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“Okay, my turn. Fuck, marry, kill…” Nami trails off, glancing around the restaurant. They haven’t had a customer in hours. She and Usopp have been goofing off by the drive through window for awhile now, only daring to look busy when a manager walks by.
“Hmm…fuck, marry, kill—Zoro, Luffy, or Floch,” Nami continues, giggling.
“Ewww!” Usopp exclaims, jokingly shoving at her. “Is that just the no shower squad?”
“Answer, answer!!”
“God, okay,” Usopp replies, putting a hand under his chin. “Well, kill Floch, obviously.”
“Of course, obviously,” Nami nods in agreement. Floch is the restaurant’s creepy dishwasher. Usopp isn’t quite sure why he hasn’t been fired yet. Absolutely none of the employees like him, and he isn’t even good at washing the dishes. The kitchen manager, Sanji, must be keeping him around as a charity case.
“And I guess…marry? Luffy? I mean he is a sweetheart,” Usopp continues. “But, ew, that means fuck Zoro–”
“What’s wrong with fucking Zoro?” Zoro suddenly asks, walking up from the kitchen. “You can’t possibly think I’m not a catch, asshole.”
“Pfft, catch of the day, maybe,” Sanji cuts in, also emerging from the kitchen. He wipes his hands on his apron. “You smell like fish, Zoro. We don’t even serve fish.”
“You wanna talk smells, cook?” Zoro retorts. He points a finger at Sanji’s chest. “You smell like you took a bath in AXE Bodyspray.”
“Hey! This cologne cost $200 you fuck. Sorry some of us here care about personal hygiene."
“Oh, fuck off. Mr. Fancy and his fancy cologne, wow. You take bubble baths too?”
“Now you think bathing is an insult? Jesus, Zoro, I should take you out back with the fucking hose—can’t have the health department fining us for the five years worth of smell on you!”
“Hey, don’t you—“
“Guys,” Luffy suddenly cuts in standing in between Zoro and Sanji. They’ve gotten suspiciously close while arguing, their foreheads almost touching. Usopp swears you could cut this sexual tension with a knife.
“What now, Luffy?” Zoro and Sanji reply in unison, glaring at each other over Luffy’s head.
“I started a grease fire,” Luffy says casually, lazily pointing back at the kitchen. The smoke detectors start to go off.
“Jesus fuck, Luffy—“
“You fucking dumbass—“
Zoro and Sanji give each other a look before dragging Luffy to the back to handle his mess. Soon, it's back to just Nami and Usopp.
“Well, that just happened.”
“Don’t talk millennial to me, Usopp, it’s offensive,” Nami replies, opening the cabinet to refill the cups. “God, those two are totally fucking, don’t you think?”
“Huh?!” Usopp exclaims, bewildered. “You must be joking, Nami. Those two? They clearly hate each other.”
“Oh please,” Nami replies, laughing. “You can’t see it? They’re literally obsessed with each other. Why do you think Sanji came running over when you were talking about hypothetically even thinking about fucking Zoro?”
“Uhhh, cause he’s an asshole? Besides, isn’t he straight? He flirts with you like, all the time.”
“That little twink? Yeah right!” Nami laughs out loud. “First of all, his whole flirting thing is just his whole weird humiliation ritual. He knows I’m with Vivi. The three of us get girls brunch all the time.”
“What the–” Usopp stammers. “Okay, weird, fine. But Zoro clearly hates him.”
“He just has that pining look in his eyes…” Nami trails off, thinking. “Seriously, there’s something going on there. Bet they’re just too up their own asses to tell us.”
“Wanna make a bet?” Usopp asks, already seeing the dollar signs in Nami’s eyes. “$20 says they’re not fucking.”
“$40 says they are, and I can prove it to you by the end of the day,” Nami says, winking at him mischievously.
“You’re on! As if you can prove in one day–” Usopp begins, stopping suddenly when the front door bell chimes. “Ugh, you must be kidding. Nami, can you–”
“Gotta use the bathroom! You handle it!” Nami shouts as she runs out to the lobby bathroom. Asshole.
Usopp sighs and goes to stand at the register. The restaurant’s only regulars–Miss Robin, her husband Franky, and their small son–walk in. At least they’re nice. A little strange, but nice.
“YEOW! Oooo boy! Daddy is hungry tonight! You hungry, baby?” The man yells, beating on his chest like a gorilla.
“Yes, famished,” Miss Robin replies quietly, steering their son by the shoulders.”The human body can go up to three weeks without food before perishing.”
“That’s right, momma! My smart, sexy lady, me-YOW!”
The pair begins making out in line while their son tries to climb up the counter. He’s a little thing, with an oversized pink hat on. He can’t be more than 5 years old.
The little boy notices and gives Usopp a tiny wave with a chubby little hand. He would find this much cuter if not for the PDA behind him.
"Um, can I help you guys?” Usopp finally asks.
“Thought you’d never ask, brother,” Franky answers, releasing his freakishly huge hand from his wife’s ass. He glances up at the menu.
“Let’s see…one big papa meal for me…large drink…extra onion rings…sandwich meal for my sweet lady–yeow!--and…” Franky trails off, bending down to pick up their son and place him on the counter.
“Tell the man what you want, junior,” Franky says encouragingly.
Usopp bends down a little to get eye level with the kid. “Hey, buddy! What can we make for ya?”
“..........................”
The kid stares back at him with huge eyes, like a deer in the headlights.
“Would you maybe want a kid’s meal?” Usopp asks, pointing at the kids section on the menu board. “We got nuggets, sandwiches, grilled cheeses–”
“Woah there muchacho,” Franky interjects, putting a hand on Usopp’s shoulder. “Let the little bro speak for himself.”
Usopp nods sheepishly. The kid continues staring straight at him. Slowly but surely, a long line of customers fill in behind them.
"Guys, could we maybe–”
“Sandwich.”
“Huh? What was that?”
The little boy begins to cry.
“Ah!” Usopp yelps. “Oh, no, I’m sorry buddy, we can get you whatever! Don’t cry!” He looks up at Franky. “I’m so sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to–”
“Party foul! No worries brother,” Franky laughs. “We will take that meal for free though, HAH!”
“O-of course, sir. My apologies. We’ll have that right out for you.” Usopp apologizes. He can’t even remember what all they ordered. He punches in nearly everything on the menu, sending the ticket back to the kitchen.
“Alright!” Franky happily exclaims, lifting his son up to balance on his shoulders. He giggles happily, crying fit forgotten. Miss Robin reaches over Usopp to grab 5 large soda cups.
“Thank you very much, nose,” She says with a smile, walking off with her family.
“You’re…welcome?” Usopp says to no one in particular, clapping his hands together. The line is massive now. Alright, Usopp. It’s go time. Let’s show these bozos why you were Employee of the Month June 2023.
20 minutes later, Usopp has nearly made it through the line of customers. He almost has the nerve to feel accomplished when Nami snakes up behind him.
“Usopp,” She begins in a sing-song voice. “Would you mind getting some more sauce from the walk-in for me? Pretty pretty please?”
“Do it yourself,” Usopp says, waving her away. He hands a customer their receipt. “I’m going on break after this last customer.”
Nami claps her hands together forcefully, moving to shove Usopp away from the register.
“Hello, sir!” Nami says, smiling at the last customer in line. “Sorry about that! My coworker here was just going to get more of our delicious house made sauce! Only 99 cents for an extra cup!”
She kicks Usopp in the shin where the customer can’t see below the counter.
“Go,” she hisses.
Usopp backs off, both hands in the air in surrender. God this job fucking sucked sometimes. But fine, at least now only one box of sauce stood between him and his delicious 15 minute break. His cherry-licioius vape was burning a hole in his pocket, begging to be smoked, so he hightailed it back to the walk-in.
“Alright sauce, here we come–” Usopp sings to himself, opening the door, when…
There in the middle of the walk-in freezer, stood Sanji and Zoro, violently making out in a display that could only be defined as pornographic. Zoro’s shirt laid on the ground next to him, Sanji’s hands caressing his bare chest.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God….
Usopp stands in shock, silently closing the freezer door, his intrusion never once noticed by the offending party. Suddenly, his phone dinging shakes him out of his stupor.
Nami <3: Venmo Request - $40 - told you so dummy! ;)