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Freminet hated this. He was sitting on the couch in the living room and father was sitting opposite of him, a sheet of paper in her hand and a grim expression plastered on her face.
“I wanted to talk to you about this…. Interesting letter that your chemistry teacher sent me.”
Fuck. He thought he had hidden that thing well enough. “Because as of my understanding, your current performance in that particular subject seems to be quite lacking.” Yes, that may be true but it´s not like the class average performs much higher. “This form says that you: don’t participate in class, do not understand the subject, don’t do your homework, don’t participate during group projects and don’t pay attention in class.” Don’t participate during group projects?! I may not be socially comfortable with even talking around other people but I at least do that much! Who does that bitch think she is?!
“Now, this form is also suggesting you to repeat the in class taught material at home and offers you to get extra tasks from your chemistry teacher. Freminet. I know you don’t like chemistry; you have made that clear to me already but can´t you at least show a little interest? This is the second teacher that told me that how you do your tasks highly suggests that you barely did what was asked from you. This isn’t acceptable.” Her voice had a sharp edge to it, cutting deeper than the blade he had run across his arms mere hours ago. “Life isn’t always fun. I do things I hate every day, because I have to do them. You come home from school, throw your backpack in a corner and just tinker at your little projects while not spending a single thought for school work. You wont get far in life this day”
He knew his work was showing he didn’t enjoy doing them. Because he didn’t and he also didn’t want to pretend he did just so other people could “see he was making an effort”. But he also didn’t just tinker in his room all day! He read, did his homework, slept and so, so much more. Why was it that father could only see him doing things he enjoyed all day while actively resisting his responsibilities? He also did things he didn’t like at all without anyone even noticing the effort it took for him to conjure up the carefully threaded mask. I don’t even want to be alive anymore, but here I am getting told I only do what I please.
Anger boiled in him. And without a second thought he snapped. “I don’t just tinker the entire fucking day! I try to participate in class as much as I can, I do my homework, I pay attention in class! Why do you believe the opinion of a teacher you haven’t even met once and said two days ago they were terrible at their job if they couldn’t figure out how I tick despite having a degree in exactly that over me?!” he had barely any restrictions on himself left and all he had was gong to not spill a word about his problems.
Not about his anxiety- and panic- attacks, not his fear of talking to people, not that he hurt himself and not that he had a flawless plan ready for whenever he wanted to end it all. “I believe your teacher because I know you. As soon as you decide you don’t like something you actively push it away from you and refuse to even listen to a word about it. You don’t understand chemistry is what I notice. You pretend you understand it but you don’t. you just say you do just so you can go back to having it all your way. But that won´t get you anywhere in life! And if you continue like you do now, you are going to fail the school year” fail the year. Her biggest concern is that I fail the year. Also, it would be one 5 on the report card. To fail you need two and even then, you can still save yourself. But she doesn’t get that. She never does.
“Well, if I´m so stupid anyways, why do you even bother to talk to me about this? You could just sign that stupid fucking form and not even tell me about it. So why, I ask you. WHY?!” he realized it wasn’t fair to pull the victim card but if she got to do it all the time then she better doesn’t have a problem with him pulling the uno reverse. “You are not stupid and that is not what I am saying. You are far from stupid and THAT IS PRECISELY THE POBLEM” not stupid. She always said that. Yes, he was confirmed by a psychologist to be highly gifted. He just wished he wasn’t. Because every time he had a bad grade or jokingly said himself to be stupid, she always pulled the “quit the act, I know you are smart” card on him. He didn’t want to be gifted. Didn’t want to be the youngest in his class by almost two years. Why am I never allowed to act my age just because they don’t do those things anymore? They are older than me and yet I have to act just as, if not more mature then them.
But why was it that he wasn’t allowed to have problems just because the number on a stupid iq test? “You are going to take extra help from Lyney until you catch up and I will send your teacher an email so they know I have seen the form and you will improve. I will check in with your teacher in two months.” So you better improve was left unsaid. Extra help. From Lyney. He didn’t want this. Why couldn’t she care less? Why did she always pretend to do this for his own good? He was still passing the class; it wasn’t important to him.
He stormed off to his room. Why can´t everyone just leave me alone with this stupid fucking school?! Why is school the most important thing for everyone?
He shut the door and turned the key.
His vision was blurry and tears were streaming down his face. Always so overdramatic. How spoiled must you be to have this reaction to a little talk about school?
There they were again. His demons that told him he was at fault no matter what he did. He slid down the wall, hand reaching out to grab the blade from its hiding place.
One.
Two.
Three…...
Fifteen. It took fifteen cuts carelessly on his arms to realize what he was doing and throw the blade away as a hoarse laughter creeped up from beneath his tears.
Why. Why was he still alive?