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The dance practice room was quiet for once, they vigorously practised the choreography for their new world tour and finally finally had a 30 minute break. Hyungwon lay on his back near the speakers, scrolling through his phone, while Kihyun sat against the wall, seemingly absorbed in his phone.
"Let's get a divorce."
Hyungwon's thumb stopped mid-scroll. He glanced over lazily. "Hm? What?"
"I said," Kihyun repeated, not looking up from his phone, "let's get a divorce."
Hyungwon blinked. "What do you mean, we're not even married."
"Just practicing."
That got Hyungwon's attention. He sat up, turning to face Kihyun fully, his usual sleepy expression replaced with bewilderment. "Wha— H—What do you mean?"
Kihyun finally lowered his phone, meeting Hyungwon's eyes with complete seriousness. "HYPOTHETICALLY, if or when we get married, I am pushing my rights for a divorce."
Hyungwon stared at him, mouth slightly agape. Several seconds of silence passed before he recovered enough to respond. "Fine. Then I'm hypothetically taking half of your assets."
Kihyun's eyes narrowed. "You hypothetically can't do that. You hypothetically signed a prenup."
"I hypothetically WHAT?!"
"You hypothetically signed a prenup," Kihyun said calmly, pulling up his Notes app. "Right here. Hypothetically dated three months ago."
Hoseok, who had been sitting in the corner stretching and scrolling through his phone, looked up with interest. "Oh, this is getting good." He settled in more comfortably against the wall, clearly planning to enjoy the show.
The practice room door burst open and Changkyun walked in, arms full of convenience store snacks. "Okay, I got chips, kimbap, and—what's going on?"
"Changkyun-ah, tell Kihyun we are obligated to split our assets in our hypothetical divorce," Hyungwon said.
"Hypothetically tell Hyungwon he signed a hypothetical prenup," Kihyun countered.
Changkyun looked between them, eyes wide. "What— why are you both—"
“They're getting divorced,” Hoseok supplied helpfully.
"We're not even married!" Hyungwon protested.
"HYPOTHETICALLY divorced," Kihyun clarified.
“What?” Changkyun said in confusion.
The door opened again as Minhyuk walked in carrying water bottles, Jooheon right behind him. They'd apparently made it to the pantry and back. Minhyuk stopped mid-step, taking in the scene.
Hyungwon and Kihyun each holding one of Changkyun's arms, snacks scattered across the floor, and Hoseok watching like this was entertainment.
"What’s…" Minhyuk said casually, setting down the water bottles, "going on..."
"They're hypothetically getting divorced," Hoseok explained the second time, still with the same enthusiasm as the first time.
"And Kihyun claims Hyungwon signed a prenup," Changkyun added desperately, hoping someone would help him.
Minhyuk's eyes lit up. He straightened, placing a hand over his heart with dramatic flair. "Actually, Hyungwon didn’t hypothetically sign a prenup"
Kihyun's head snapped toward him. "Who the fuck are you hypothetically supposed to be?"
Minhyuk straightened, placing a hand over his heart with dramatic flair. "I'm Hyungwon's hypothetical lawyer."
"Since when?!" Hyungwon asked.
"Since right now. Don't worry, my hypothetical rates are very reasonable." Minhyuk strode across the practice room properly, positioning himself behind Hyungwon. "And as your hypothetical legal counsel, I advise you that without a hypothetical prenup, you are entitled to claim half of your hypothetical marital assets."
“Fine, you can hypothetically have half my assets. But I’m hypothetically getting custody of Changkyun!” Kihyun exclaimed.
"NO," Hyungwon straightened, hand gripping Changkyun’s arm tighter. "I HYPOTHETICALLY DISAGREE."
"He hypothetically likes me better."
"He hypothetically eats MY cooking!"
"Because I hypothetically can't cook! That doesn't mean he hypothetically loves you more!"
“That’s not hypothetical, you cannot cook to save a life," Kihyun said matter-of-factly.
"Changkyun-ah, tell Kihyun you'd hypothetically want to live with me," Hyungwon said.
"Tell Hyungwon he's hypothetically delusional," Kihyun countered.
Changkyun looked between them, eyes wide. "What— why are you both—I'm thirty years old," Changkyun said weakly, confused as shit. "And I just dropped all the snacks."
"Hypothetically, you're five," Kihyun said without missing a beat.
"Someone help me," Changkyun muttered.
Jooheon, who had been quietly observing while setting down his water bottles, suddenly stepped forward. "As Kihyun's hypothetical lawyer—"
"Since hypothetically WHEN?!" Minhyuk demanded.
"Since hypothetically NOW," Jooheon said firmly, moving to stand behind Kihyun. "My hypothetical client is entitled to hypothetical legal representation."
"Your hypothetical client is trying to hypothetically commit fraud!"
"Your hypothetical face is trying to hypothetically commit fraud!"
"That doesn't even hypothetically make SENSE!"
“In a hypothetical world, it does.”
"And I hypothetically want half of your assets." Hyungwon said calmly.
"You can hypothetically have Changkyun—" Kihyun said in response.
"HEY!" Changkyun protested, still trapped between them.
"—but you hypothetically can't have my stuff!"
"Our stuff," Hyungwon corrected. "Hypothetically."
Hoseok laughed from his corner. "This is hypothetically better than any variety show."
"Seokkie hyungg, help!" Changkyun pleaded.
"Sorry, I'm just here to visit and hang out. This is hypothetically very entertaining though." Hoseok pulled out his phone. "Should I hypothetically record this?"
"DON'T YOU DARE—" Changkyun started.
"Don't you hypothetically dare," Minhyuk corrected automatically.
"I HATE ALL OF YOU. HYPOTHETICALLY."
The bathroom door down the hall slammed, and moments later, Hyunwoo appeared in the doorway of the practice room, looking refreshed and considerably more relaxed than when he'd left.
"What's happening?" he asked, taking in the scene: Changkyun trapped between Hyungwon and Kihyun on the floor, Minhyuk and Jooheon standing behind them like rival attorneys, spilled snacks everywhere, and Hoseok filming on his phone.
Changkyun's eyes lit up with hope. "Shownu hyung!!! Help! They're having a divorce!"
"HYPOTHETICALLY!" all four of them—Hyungwon, Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Jooheon—exclaimed in unison.
Hyunwoo stood there, still drying his hands on his pants. Several seconds passed in silence.
"I was gone for ten minutes," he said finally.
"It's been a hypothetically very eventful ten minutes," Hoseok contributed, still filming.
"Hyung, they won't let me go," Changkyun said desperately. "And apparently I'm five years old now. Also, I dropped all the snacks."
"Hypothetically five," Kihyun corrected.
"I hypothetically need you to shut up," Changkyun shot back.
Hyunwoo closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then walked further into the practice room. "Okay. Explain. Slowly."
"Kihyun hypothetically wants a divorce," Hyungwon began.
"And Hyungwon hypothetically thinks he gets half of my assets," Kihyun added.
"Which he hypothetically can because there's no hypothetical prenup!" Minhyuk interjected.
"Which he hypothetically can't because there IS a hypothetical prenup!" Jooheon argued.
"Which he hypothetically doesn't—"
"Which he hypothetically does—"
"And Kihyun hypothetically wants custody of Changkyun!" Hyungwon interjected.
"My hypothetical client has a hypothetically stronger case—"
"Your hypothetical client is hypothetically delusional—"
"HYPOTHETICALLY WHAT?!" Hyungwon demanded.
"You heard me! Hypothetically!"
"Your Hypothetical Honor!" Minhyuk turned to Hyunwoo. "The opposing hypothetical counsel is being hostile!"
Everyone stopped and looked at Hyunwoo.
"Your... Hypothetical Honor?" Hyunwoo repeated slowly.
"Well, someone has to be the hypothetical judge," Minhyuk said. "And you're the leader."
Hyunwoo looked at each of them in turn. Then he looked longingly at the door, clearly considering just walking back out. Finally, he sighed deeply and walked over to the folding chair in the corner—the good one they used for watching dance practice videos—and sat down with the gravity of a man who'd made an important decision.
"Alright," he said. "If we're hypothetically doing this, we're hypothetically doing this properly. I'm the hypothetical judge."
"YES!" Minhyuk pumped his fist. "I knew you'd come through, hyung!"
"We need a hypothetical gavel," Jooheon said seriously.
"There's a... what do we have?" Hyunwoo looked around the practice room.
"There's a hypothetical water bottle," Hoseok supplied helpfully, tossing one over.
"Hypothetically perfect." Hyunwoo caught it. "Hoseok, what's your hypothetical role?"
"I'm hypothetically just here to visit," Hoseok said, still filming. "But I can be the hypothetical bailiff if you want."
"You're the hypothetical court reporter. Keep hypothetically filming."
"This is going on YouTube, hypothetically" Hoseok said gleefully.
"It HYPOTHETICALLY is NOT!" Changkyun yelped.
Hyunwoo banged the water bottle once on the arm of the chair, which made a disappointing thud sound. "Hypothetical court is now in session. This is the hypothetical divorce proceedings of Yoo versus Chae."
"I can't believe this is my life," Changkyun whispered.
"First order of hypothetical business," Hyunwoo continued, "what's this about hypothetical assets?"
"Your Hypothetical Honor," Minhyuk began, standing dramatically, "my client never signed a hypothetical prenup. That Notes app entry is hypothetically inadmissible as evidence because it lacks a hypothetical signature, hypothetical witnesses, and was hypothetically created unilaterally by the opposing party. Therefore, my hypothetical client is entitled to half of all hypothetical assets acquired within the hypothetical marriage."
"HALF?!" Kihyun sat up straighter, his grip on Changkyun tightening. "You can't hypothetically take half!"
"We hypothetically can and hypothetically will," Hyungwon said, a satisfied smirk on his face.
"Your Hypothetical Honor!" Jooheon spoke up. "The hypothetical prenup is valid because it's a HYPOTHETICAL document for a HYPOTHETICAL marriage! The hypothetical rules are different!"
"That's hypothetically not how legal documents work!" Minhyuk argued.
"It's hypothetically how HYPOTHETICAL legal documents work!"
"Your Hypothetical Honor, this is ridiculous—"
"Your hypothetical face is ridiculous!"
"STOP INSULTING MY HYPOTHETICAL FACE!"
"HYPOTHETICAL LAWYERS!" Hyunwoo banged the water bottle. "Order!"
Both lawyers quieted down, glaring at each other.
"Now," Hyunwoo said, "I'm hypothetically ruling that the prenup is invalid due to lack of hypothetical proper documentation and hypothetical signature."
"YES!" Minhyuk cheered.
"WHAT?!" Kihyun protested. "This is hypothetically unfair!"
"Which means," Hyunwoo continued, "Hyungwon is hypothetically entitled to half of all hypothetical assets acquired during the hypothetical marriage."
"This is outrageous!" Kihyun argued. "Your Hypothetical Honor, if I'm hypothetically losing half my assets, then I hypothetically demand full custody of Im Changkyun!"
The room went silent.
"Wait, WHAT?" Changkyun's voice cracked. "Back to me again?!"
"NO!" Hyungwon said immediately, his grip on Changkyun's left arm tightening. "I hypothetically want custody!"
"Well I hypothetically want custody too!" Kihyun argued, holding Changkyun's right arm firmly.
"You hypothetically can't have him!"
"You hypothetically can't have HALF MY ASSETS AND custody!"
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Changkyun yelled, looking desperately at Hyunwoo.
"Your Hypothetical Honor," Jooheon said, positioning himself more firmly behind Kihyun, "if my hypothetical client is losing half his hypothetical assets, he deserves hypothetical custody as compensation!"
"That's hypothetically not how custody works!" Minhyuk protested, moving behind Hyungwon. "You can't hypothetically use a child as financial compensation!"
"He's not a child, he's 30!" Jooheon argued.
"Then he's hypothetically five!"
"MAKE UP YOUR HYPOTHETICAL MINDS!" Changkyun screamed.
"He's hypothetically five," everyone except Changkyun said in unison.
"I hate it here," Changkyun muttered.
"Your Hypothetical Honor," Minhyuk continued, "my client has a hypothetically stronger claim to custody. He's hypothetically more responsible—"
"My client cooks actual hypothetical meals!" Jooheon countered. "He hypothetically provides structure and discipline!"
"My client provides hypothetical emotional support and freedom!"
"Your client hypothetically can't even wake up on time!"
"THAT'S HYPOTHETICALLY IRRELEVANT!"
"It's hypothetically VERY relevant to childcare!"
"Order! order!" Hyunwoo banged the water bottle again. "Now, let's hear arguments for custody. Kihyun, why should you hypothetically have custody?"
"He hypothetically needs proper nutrition," Kihyun said immediately. "I hypothetically cook balanced meals with vegetables."
"He FORCES me to eat vegetables!" Changkyun protested.
"Because you hypothetically need them!" Kihyun shot back.
"Hyungwon, your hypothetical argument?" Hyunwoo asked.
"He hypothetically needs emotional support," Hyungwon said. "I hypothetically listen to his problems and don't judge him."
"You hypothetically fall asleep while I'm talking!" Changkyun argued.
"That's hypothetically just my resting face!"
"Your hypothetical resting face is unconscious!"
"Your Hypothetical Honor," Jooheon interjected, "my client has clearly been the hypothetical primary caregiver. He hypothetically makes sure Changkyun has clean clothes, hypothetically cooks his meals, and hypothetically checks that he's eaten—"
"He does my laundry WITHOUT ASKING and I lose socks!" Changkyun argued.
"Because you hypothetically leave them everywhere!" Kihyun shot back.
"Your Hypothetical Honor," Minhyuk said, "my client has the hypothetically better lifestyle for a growing child. He's hypothetically a model with a stable income and good genes—"
"Did you hypothetically just use GENES as a hypothetical legal argument?!" Jooheon stared at him.
"Hypothetically yes! It's a valid point for the hypothetical child's future!"
"That's the hypothetically stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
"YOUR HYPOTHETICAL FACE is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN HYPOTHETICALLY MAKE SENSE!"
"YOUR HYPOTHETICAL FACE doesn't make sense!"
"HYPOTHETICAL LAWYERS!" Hyunwoo banged the water bottle hard enough that water sloshed out. "Control yourselves! This is a hypothetically respectable court!"
"Sorry, Your Hypothetical Honor," both mumbled.
"Can we talk about how I'm literally being held hostage right now?" Changkyun tried again.
"Hypothetically noted. Continue holding Changkyun," Hyunwoo said.
"HYUNG!"
"Does anyone have any hypothetical final arguments?" Hyunwoo asked, ignoring Changkyun's distress.
"Yes," Kihyun said suddenly, his voice serious. "Your Hypothetical Honor, if I'm hypothetically losing half my assets, then I hypothetically NEED custody of Changkyun for emotional support."
"You can't hypothetically use a child for emotional support!" Hyungwon protested.
"He's hypothetically five," Kihyun said firmly, "and I hypothetically need him."
"Well I hypothetically need him too!" Hyungwon argued. "Who else will hypothetically judge me for my life choices?"
"I hypothetically do that!" Kihyun protested.
"You hypothetically judge DIFFERENTLY! Changkyun's hypothetical judgment hits different!"
"I can't believe my judgment is being used as a hypothetical custody argument," Changkyun said flatly.
Hyunwoo stood up slowly, water bottle in hand. He raised it high, and the room fell silent.
"After hypothetical careful consideration," he began, "I have hypothetically reached my verdict."
Everyone leaned forward. Even Hoseok stopped filming to pay attention.
"First," Hyunwoo declared, "the hypothetical prenup is hypothetically invalid. Hyungwon is entitled to half of all hypothetical assets acquired during the hypothetical marriage, including but not limited to: hypothetical income, hypothetical skincare products, and the hypothetically good pillow."
"THE HYPOTHETICALLY GOOD PILLOW?!" Kihyun's eyes widened. "We're not even hypothetically at the dorm!"
"All hypothetical assets," Hyunwoo repeated firmly.
"Second," Hyunwoo continued, "regarding hypothetical custody of Im Changkyun, who is hypothetically five years old—"
"I'm 30!" Changkyun protested.
"—neither of you get hypothetical full custody."
Both Hyungwon and Kihyun started to protest, but Hyunwoo held up his hand.
"You'll have hypothetical shared custody. Changkyun spends weekdays with Kihyun for hypothetical structure and nutrition, and weekends with Hyungwon for hypothetical emotional support and creative freedom."
"I HAVE A JOB!" Changkyun yelled. "I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES!"
"Hypothetically work from home," Hyunwoo said dismissively.
"I can hypothetically live with that," Hyungwon said, finally releasing Changkyun's arm.
Kihyun held on for a few more seconds, clearly considering the ruling, then reluctantly let go as well. "Hypothetically acceptable."
Changkyun immediately scrambled away toward Hoseok, who was grinning and had started filming again.
"Third," Hyunwoo said, "you both have to stay hypothetically married because if I have to arbitrate another hypothetical divorce, I'm making you all do burpees for an hour. And I'm serious."
The threat of burpees was apparently enough to shut everyone up immediately.
"All hypothetically in favor?" Hyunwoo asked.
Everyone raised their hands, including Kihyun and Hyungwon.
"Hypothetical motion carried," Hyunwoo banged the water bottle one final time. "This hypothetical court is adjourned. We're getting back to practice in five minutes, and if ANY of you bring up hypothetical divorce again today, you're all hypothetically running laps."
Hyungwon flopped back on the floor, and Kihyun lay down beside him. After a moment of silence, Hyungwon turned his head to look at Kihyun.
"So," Hyungwon said quietly, "we're hypothetically staying married?"
"Hypothetically seems like it," Kihyun replied, turning to meet his eyes.
"And I hypothetically get half of everything?"
"Hypothetically, unfortunately yes."
"Hypothetically good." Hyungwon smiled, reaching over to squeeze Kihyun's hand. "Hypothetically, I love you."
"Hypothetically, I love you too," Kihyun said, squeezing back with a soft smile.
"You guys are disgusting, get a room" Changkyun called from his safe position near Hoseok, who was now helping him gather up the spilled snacks.
"HYPOTHETICALLY" Hyungwon and Kihyun corrected in unison.
Minhyuk collapsed onto the floor dramatically. "Well, that was hypothetically exhausting. Being a lawyer is hypothetically hard work."
"You hypothetically made everything up," Jooheon pointed out, sitting down and grabbing one of the water bottles he'd brought.
"I did HYPOTHETICAL emotional labor, Jooheon. It hypothetically counts."
"I did hypothetically MORE hypothetical emotional labor!"
"Did hypothetically NOT!"
"Did hypothetically TOO!"
Hoseok stopped the recording and grinned. "That was hypothetically the best thing I've ever witnessed. I'm definitely coming to visit more often during practice."
"Please don't," Changkyun muttered, ripping open a bag of chips with more force than necessary. "I can't handle this stress. I'm going to need actual therapy."
"Hypothetically therapy?" Minhyuk asked.
"NO, ACTUAL THERAPY!"
"You're all insane," Changkyun said, but he was smiling despite himself.
"Hypothetically insane," everyone said in unison.
Hyunwoo grabbed a water bottle and took a long drink, wondering not for the first time how he ended up as the leader of these absolute hypothetical chaos gremlins.
Hypothetically, of course, he wouldn't have it any other way.
THE END