Chapter Text
Shane knew this was a bad idea the second his friends even showed up to ask him about it. As soon as he saw their faces, he knew they were going to hit him with something stupid.
The two of them have pretty big and soft eyes already, so when they showed up with eyebrows raised and wide, awkward smiles, he knew they were about to propose something they knew they would have to convince Shane to agree to.
“So,” Rose said, taking a seat on his twin size bed. “You know that friend of mine from my statistics class? The Russian girl?”
“I know of her, yeah…” Shane said with caution.
“Well, we were talking, and turns out she’s actually a sweetheart for Kappa Sigma!”
Her smile is big and her tone is cheerful. Hayden is smiling next to her, excitement on his face, almost like he was trying to silently get Shane in the same mood.
It wasn’t working.
“Rose—”
“Come on, buddy, at least let her finish.” Hayden tilted his head.
Shane sighed. “Okay. Continue.”
Rose went back to smiling brightly. “Yes, okay. So, they’re throwing a party tonight—”
“Guys,” Shane stood up and turned away from them, sighing as he rubbed his hands over his face.
“It’ll be fun! We’ll have a few drinks, meet some new people…”
He didn’t need a drink— the thought of having to stand in a crowded room and attempt to make small talk made Shane nauseous.
Shane hated parties. Sweaty kids surrounding him at all times, people getting so wasted they’re left puking on the lawn and having little to no memory of the night, walking through clouds of weed just to get to the bathroom, drugs being passed around like halloween candy… It was all just too much.
Shane was already feeling anxious about it and he hadn’t even agreed to anything.
“I don’t know, it sounds like a nightmare.” He said, still turned away to avoid their pleading gazes.
“Come on, buddy. You barely go out!” Hayden pleaded.
“That’s not true! I go to the library all the time.”
Shane could feel them giving each other a look behind his back.
“He can’t be serious.” Hayden says to Rose.
“Shane, babe,” Rose stood from where she was sitting on the bed, putting a hand on Shane’s shoulder to turn him back around. “We love being your friends, but you need to get out there. Meet new people, experience new things. You’re not living the fun college kid experience you should be!”
Shane avoided her gaze, eyes shifting around. Unfortunately, both of his friends knew him too well already. She moved her head to wherever his eyes shifted until putting her hand on his chin to make him look at her.
“Listen, if it’s too much, then I’ll take you right home. But you should give it a shot. Maybe you’ll meet a pretty girl!” She smiled sweetly.
Right. Because Shane had never had a girlfriend or even gone on a date, his friends were constantly trying to make him “put himself out there” and meet someone.
I never should’ve told them that, he thought to himself.
The truth was, Shane had never really found himself interested in any girls, real or not. He’d tried watching porn to jerk off, but he could never really keep his gaze on the gorgeous naked woman on his screen. Unfortunately, but truthfully, he barely even got it up until he shamefully shifted his gaze to the star’s male counterpart.
But he would never admit that. Not even to himself.
He was a straight A student. He submitted his homework on time, finished essays early, worked a few hours a week reshelving books at the library on campus. He’d only skipped two classes in his life, and it was only when he was fifteen and so sick with the flu that he could barely stand up to walk to the bathroom.
He didn’t go to parties. He didn’t even go to bars with his friends. Whenever he’d get invited to do something of the sorts, his anxiety would flood his brain with various scenarios where everything went wrong, and he wound up always staying home.
Shit. Maybe his friends do have a right to drag him out for one night.
His heart raced as he said, “Fine. I’ll go.”
Both Rose and Hayden’s eyes widened more than Shane had ever seen. Their jaws dropped slowly as wide smiles appeared.
“No way!” Rose said.
“Holy shit!” Hayden said at the same time.
The two of them crowded Shane and engulfed him in a big hug that made Shane want to melt to the ground just to get out of their tight holds.
He shook them off as they laughed with excitement.
“I didn’t think you’d say yes, holy shit!” Rose gleamed at him.
Shane couldn’t help a faint smile from appearing. He hated parties, but he loved his friends.
“I’ll go for a little while. I’m not saying I’ll spend all night there.” He warned them.
With a smile still on his face, Hayden told him, “That’s fine, man, promise. Whenever you want to go, one of us will take you right home.”
***
They lied.
Shane wanted to leave as soon they even walked to the front steps of the frat house.
The smell of booze and weed smacked him in the face before they even walked up the stairs to the front door. There were people hanging on the porch smoking weed and cigarettes, beer bottles in some hands and red solo cups in others. Shane felt a pit in his stomach growing.
“This was a bad idea.” Shane told his friends who were standing on opposite sides of him. “I wanna go back.”
“Shane…” Rose looked at him with pleading eyes. “It’s barely ten-thirty. You said you’d try.”
Shane exhaled as his gaze hit the floor. He could feel his clammy hands shaking. His heart was beating so fast, he was worried it would wear itself out and stop beating entirely. He felt sick to his stomach.
They walked inside.
The hallway they walked into had a long carpet that led to the main room. The regular lights were off and the house was illuminated by dark blue light bulbs in every tall lamp. There were desktop disco balls scattered around various surfaces, lighting the walls and ceiling with flashes of color.
They kept walking into the crowded house. There were people everywhere, some standing around and talking, some dancing on each other to the music that was so loud Shane could feel the bass under his feet, some making out sloppily like they weren’t in a crowded, public area. Almost everyone had a glowstick somewhere wrapped around them— bracelets, headbands, necklaces, belts.
Every time Shane came close to accidentally touching someone, he found himself retreating into himself like a child. The sweat radiating off of everyone was overwhelming. He wondered if his nervous energy was radiating off himself.
As they trailed into the dimly lit kitchen, Rose suddenly shrieked and threw her arms up. She jogged over to the girl who mirrored her pitch. She practically jumped into the tan-skinned girl’s arms as they hugged tight.
“I’m so happy you came!” The girl told Rose with a thick accent, pushing some hair out of her face.
“Of course! I told you I would, didn’t I?” Rose blushed.
The two girls turned to Shane and Hayden who were awkwardly waiting to see if that was their cue to walk away or be introduced.
“Boys, this is Svetlana. Svetlana, this is Shane and Hayden.” Rose said with a bright smile.
Hayden leaned forward to shake her hand, Shane staying firmly in place.
Svetlana smiled at Shane, supposedly picking up on his anxiety and not offering her hand to him.
After a beat of silence, Svetlana spoke up, “Well, if it’s alright with you two, I’m going to steal this pretty woman for a while. Help yourselves to any drinks, there’s chips and pretzels and whatever scattered around in bowls. If you don’t drink, we have soda in the fridge too.”
Shane shot Rose wide eyes, silently expressing are you serious? She shrugged back, then smiled quickly when Svetlana looked at her. The two girls walked away, Svetlana pulling Rose by her hand.
Shane turned to Hayden who was still focused on where the girls were previously standing with an eyebrow raised.
“Do you think they’re—”
“Hayden, I swear to god.”
Hayden put his hands on Shane’s shoulders. “It’s fine, okay? Everything’s fine! Just chill. She said there’s soda if you want to check the fridge.”
Shane sighed and turned to see what they had. As soon as he did so, he heard a loud male voice come from behind him. When he turned back to Hayden, he was dapping up a tall man with black hair and stubble. They made small talk while Shane thought about various ways to sneak out, turning his attention back to the fridge, which was a mess. Various cold cuts scattered on different shelves, one half empty jar of pickles, three different kinds of salsa (all of which were also half empty), the biggest bottle of ranch Shane has ever seen in his life, a bottle of cranberry juice with roughly two sips left, a bag of baby carrots, half of a cucumber, a container of greek yogurt, and a few cans of soda.
At least they have ginger ale, Shane thought as he pulled a can of Canada Dry from one of the shelves. He closed the door tight to get the smell of something rotten away from his face.
When he fully stood back up, he saw Hayden gearing up to walk out of the kitchen with the dark haired man, the two of them talking about hitting kegs outside.
Hayden turned to Shane first and said, “You wanna join?”
“No, no…” Shane shook his head, then looked at the man. “Is there, um, a bathroom?”
Obviously there’s a fucking bathroom.
“Yeah man, just walk down that hall, it’s the last door on the left.” He said.
Shane felt panic rising in his chest. He wanted to call after Hayden, scream at him not to leave him alone in his own personal brand of hell. First Rose leaves him, now Hayden is walking away too.
If they wanted to have fun without him, they could’ve left him home. They didn’t have to drag him out of his dorm room, the place where he didn’t have to pretend to be some normal fucking guy who loves to get wasted and fuck around, and bring him to some rancid frat house full of assholes and idiots who didn’t know him before and probably never will.
No. Rose and Hayden love Shane. He knows that. They just want to see him be normal. And it physically pained Shane to his core knowing that he could never be that for them. The friend who knows what advice to give. The guy who goes to parties and makes memories doing things that they’d tell their future kids to never even think of. The kind of man who isn’t an embarrassment to be seen with.
Instead, he’s the guy you bring somewhere to try and be nice, but eventually give up on.
He tried to focus on remembering where that guy said the bathroom was. First door on the… no, last door. Last door on the… right?
Shane walked to the end of the hallway and grabbed the handle to the last door on the right. When he opened it, he saw what looked like the early stages of a threesome. The girls and one guy were tangled up in each other, kissing all over each other’s bodies. Shane made eye contact briefly with the guy in the middle, who gave him a smirk and a small nod. He slammed the door shut and turned around.
Left. First door on the fucking left. God, you can’t even remember your rights and lefts anymore.
Shane let out a shaky breath as he moved to open the left side door. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much better. Sure, it was the bathroom. But instead of walking in and finding a second of solitude, he saw three guys. One was sitting in the bathtub with his legs hanging out of it. Another was sitting on the closed toilet seat, facing the sink. The other was hunched over said sink, snorting a line of something off of the porcelain.
As soon as he saw them, they all looked up at him.
“What the fuck are you doing? Shut the fucking door!” The one in front of the sink yelled as Shane slammed that door shut too.
He felt like he was going to be sick. Fuck, he had to get out of this stupid fucking house.
He clutched his can in one hand and shoved the other into the pocket of his tan jacket. Trying to retrace his steps when he walked in, he headed back into what could maybe, in a more painful reality, be considered a living room.
There were multiple couches, all of them packed. One of them had a girl straddling a guy underneath her, kissing each other deeply while their hands moved around each other’s bodies. Next to them were another couple, but they were sitting in their own respective seats and talking while sipping beers. A smaller couch had three people lined up, shotgunning cans of Bud Light, and a few people standing around them chanting “Chug! Chug! Chug!” and cheering them on.
Another longer couch had people strung around it, some people sitting normally, others laid on top of them, all passing around two separate joints. There was so much smoke around them, Shane had to swat his hand around his face just to walk by them.
The smoke must be why he feels his throat closing up. That’s probably why his breathing is heavy, and the walking is why he’s panting.
You haven’t even uttered a single damn word to anyone and you’re freaking out, he thought, you don’t deserve the friends you have who try and try again to get you to be normal.
He found himself digging his nails into his palm. He finally managed to find the front door. As soon as his eyes laid on it, he bolted. He ran off the porch and down the steps, nearly tripping over himself. He ran down the path to the sidewalk and didn’t stop until he hit the street corner.
It wasn’t far from the house. It was the second one on the block. If his friends came out looking for him, they wouldn’t have to go far.
If they actually give a shit about your insufferable ass.
He closes his eyes. This wasn’t his first panic attack. It won’t be his last. He feels like he’s going to die, but he knows he won’t. Knowing, though, is very different from feeling.
He must’ve dropped the can of ginger ale somewhere on his way out, because both of his hands were free to start gripping his shirt. He tried to let the familiar fabric ground him. It wasn’t working.
His hands left his shirt and started flicking around, his head shaking back and forth, like he was covered in bugs and trying to fling them off.
“Are you okay?” A voice called behind him.
Shane turned to him as if he was going to say something. Unfortunately, you need to breathe to speak, and Shane still felt breathless. The hyperventilating barely improved from that godforsaken living room.
The man moved quickly towards Shane once he got a full grasp of what was happening to him. He kept his hands off Shane’s body, but moved them around as if ready to touch if need be.
“Hey, hey, woah,” His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to catch Shane’s gaze with his own. “Is okay, you are okay, everything is fine.”
“F-Fuck,” is all Shane can mutter through quick breaths.
“Hey, look at me.” The man said. “Look at me.”
Shane finally met his gaze. He was taller than him by just a few inches. He had light, curly hair, and was definitely muscly under the dark leather jacket he had on. His sharp facial features were lined with concern as he tried to help.
“Breathe in, nose,” He said with a heavy accent that Shane only just noticed. “Breathe out, mouth.”
He dramatically moved his chest high as he inhaled deeply, and shrunk his shoulders when he exhaled. The visual cue, as much as Shane hated, made it easier for him to follow.
The two of them stood there, breathing together, for a few minutes. Shane wasn’t sure how long it had been by the time he started to feel okay again. A while, probably.
The man takes that as a sign that he could touch now. He gently put his hand on Shane’s shoulder. At first, Shane flinches just a bit. But he lets the hand help him to the concrete. The two of them were now sitting on the sidewalk, their legs extended past the curb. Shane leaned forward, tangling his fingers in the grass.
After another minute of silence, the man finally speaks again.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He says with a thick accent.
Shane keeps his gaze downwards. “Not really.”
“Okay.” He says. Then, “Did you come from party?”
Shane slowly nods twice. “Not really my scene, I guess.”
“Not your… okay.”
Shane really wasn’t in the mood for small talk, but he was starting to feel guilt bubbling in his chest. This random guy just stopped whatever he was doing to help Shane, a guy he didn’t know. The least Shane could do was attempt to speak to him.
Besides, if he still wanted to talk after the most embarrassing meet-cute ever, Shane could accept that. It was sort of nice, actually, knowing that this guy had now seen Shane in one of his vulnerable positions, and showed him kindness.
“Um, were you…” Shane shakes his head, struggling to lift his gaze. “You were also at the party.”
“Yes, is my party.” The man said.
Shane then heard the flick of a lighter being lit, then an inhale through what Shane could only assume was a cigarette. He finally managed to lift his head and look at the man who was now blowing smoke out of his mouth as he shoved the lighter back into his coat pocket.
“You’re smoking?” Shane asked, then felt stupid for stating the obvious.
The man nodded as he took another puff. “Yes. I am.”
“Smoking is bad for you.” Shane narrowed his eyes.
“Yes, very.” The man laughed as he spoke. Then he placed the cigarette between his lips, not inhaling it yet, and held his hand out. “I’m Ilya.”
Shane reluctantly shook his hand. “Shane.”
“Shane… hm…” Ilya nodded, seemingly deep in thought. His expression turned serious, but his face remained soft. “This has happened to you? Before?”
Shane sighed, breaking eye contact again. “Yes. It has.”
“Hm. Is okay.” He heard another sharp breath in. “I am sorry.”
“It wasn’t like you forced me to come and have a panic attack.”
“Yes, but…” The man went quiet, but not to take another hit. “I’m sorry, I do not know better words.”
Shane looked at him again. He tried his best to make sure his expression didn’t show pity. He didn’t pity Ilya at all. He understood. Well, maybe not completely. But he knew what it was like to have to analyze everything you say.
“Where are you from?” Shane asked.
Ilya looked at him with a smirk and one slightly raised eyebrow. “Russia. Moscow.”
“Wow. That’s intense.”
As soon as Shane said it, he regretted it. Was that insulting? Did he insult Russia to a Russian man? A big, strong, striking Russian man? Shit. Shit shit shit.
“Yes.” Ilya took another drag, his gaze drifting to the sky. He blew smoke out, and this time, Shane thought he was the one avoiding eye contact. “I’m sorry, my English is still not very good.”
“Seems good to me.” Shane tried to reassure him.
Ilya didn’t falter. He kept his gaze at the sky. There were a myriad of stars strewn across the sky. It was a beautiful night, really. There was a slight chill in the air, it being late September. Shane let his own eyes wander the sight.
There they were, in silence, again. It was okay, though. It was a comfortable silence. There wasn’t a pressure to keep a conversation going. It wasn’t a weird stretch where everyone was simply waiting for someone else to start talking first. It was just quiet.
Shane finally heard nothing. His mind was turned off just for a moment. Sitting here, on a cold sidewalk, next to a foreign man he just met, usually would’ve skeeved him out. But tonight, all he knew was that this man, Ilya, was kind to him.
Tonight, that was all he needed.