Chapter Text
While sleep was a welcomed break from the day for many, Cullen Rutherford was not one of those people. He set himself to work day after day, putting aside his reports and training only when he was far too exhausted to continue. It helped, and he got by, focusing on his work. Day in day out, keeping the forces in tip top shape kept the demons at night at bay. But this was no way a man could survive and as the days wore on, it took its toll on the man’s mind and body.
It had started out simple enough, occasional headaches, slight trembling of hands, symptoms that he had attributed to exhaustion. His soldiers had noticed it but said nothing about it, but they gave him as little trouble as they could. But it was harder day after day… although part of the burden was lowered. He had at least told Islington that he was no longer taking lyrium.
The Inquisitor had come into his office one day on business, and had caught him staring at his lyrium kit. Cullen looked up when he heard the soft footsteps of the white-haired mage.
“As leader of the Inquisition, you… there’s something I must tell you,” he said with a sigh. It was nerve wrecking. Partially because he felt a little uncomfortable to confessing to a mage, but mostly because it was admitting some weakness on his part. He had put it off long enough and honestly, if the Inquisitor had not walked in on him just then, they might not even have this conversation.
Inquisitor Trevelyan studied the man thoughtfully for a moment, concern crossing his face before he nodded. “Whatever it is, I’m willing to listen. You’ve given me more than enough counsel Cullen and if something is bothering you, I am more than happy to provide a listening ear.”
The former templar nodded his head awkwardly. “Right, thank you. Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer. Some go mad, others die,” he said as he looked at the lyrium kit once more. Then he looked back at the Inquisitor who had a fairly neutral expression.
“I am aware of it Cullen, I lived in a circle… you do not have to explain lyrium to me,” Islington said, if a little irritated before he sighed rubbing his temples. “My apologies, do go on.”
Cullen regarded the man suspiciously for a moment, half wondering why the Inquisitor snapped at him. Part of him wanted to just avoid the topic completely, but it was necessary. While the Inquisitor said he was willing to listen, from being snapped at, it felt like he truly wasn’t willing to. Still the commander continued. “We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here. But I… no longer take it.”
There it was out. It was more difficult than he had expected and he watched the man’s expression carefully, trying to work out what the man was thinking.
“You stopped?” Islington asked, surprise evident on his face and tone.
Cullen looked back at his kit. “I did. I stopped when I joined the Inquisition. It’s been months now.”
There was a slight pause as Islington looked at the kit, then at the man. “That… that is brave of you Cullen. Are you all right?” It was a large shift from the snapping earlier. There was genuine concern now. The fluidity of the Inquisitor’s emotions and reactions to him gave him a headache as he tried to analyse them. Stick what you want to tell him Cullen, he told himself.
“I can endure it. After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t… I will not be bound to the order, or that life, any longer. Whatever the suffering, I accept it,” he said as he stood up. Hearing those words from his own mouth strengthened his resolve as he looked at the Inquisitor straight in the eye as he took a deep breath. “But I will not put the Inquisition at risk.
I have asked Cassandra to… watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty.”
Islington nodded his head and walked over to the man, placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. “I understand Cullen. Thank you for telling me. I respect what you’re doing and I know… it’s not easy. I’ve seen many a senior templar succumb to it over the years at the Circle. And… I know… I know… I know how it’s used to control the templars. They take it away from you, hold enough from you to twist your arm.”
Cullen looked up at the yellow eyes of the leader of the Inquisition. Now it was his turn to be surprised. Few mages knew how the templar order worked. Most knew that the templars took lyrium, but few knew it was used as a leash. There was pity there in the man’s eyes, and worry.
Seeing the surprised expression, Islington continued. “My younger brother… he used to be a templar at Ostwick. He told me about how lyrium worked… and how… one time he was being punished for insubordination. The Knight-Lieutenant withheld part of his rations from him. It… it was painful, when I snuck down into the cell to see him. His hands were shaking and he was cold. Even my fire spells could not warm him enough when he didn’t have enough lyrium… to stop… to stop taking it Cullen… It’s not an easy choice and it’s one worthy of admiration.”
The Inquisitor squeezed the man’s shoulder and smiled reassuringly before he backed away.
“Thank you Inquisitor… I… I did not expect you to know so much about the templar order.”
Islington nodded his head and turned about to head out.
“You mentioned your brother was a templar. Did he leave the order?”
The mage stopped mid-stride, looking out of the door as he opened it. “No, he died at the conclave,” he said and hurried out before Cullen could apologise or ask more.
As the door closed behind him, Cullen took a deep breath of relief. At least that was over, now he had Cassandra watching him and the Inquisitor knew. Closing the box, he placed it in a corner of his desk. Its chains would continue to test him, but he knew he could hold on.