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The void left by Goro's absence is like a pulsating wound in Ren's chest. He misses him so much it hurts to breathe, it hurts to even think about him. Ren once heard that time heals all wounds, that someday it will hurt less. He doesn't really believe it. Ren still checks his phone, foolishly hoping that he might see some semblance of life in their chat. Not that he would admit it to any of his friends. It would make it so painfully obvious how much Ren misses him, and he doesn't want that. They would worry about him and that's the last thing he wants.
Ren still holds hope that Goro is still alive somewhere, no matter the odds.
Ren went to Jazz Jin many times, foolishly hoping to see him sitting in their usual place, and catching his eye with that usual half-smile and with those ruby eyes that always seemed to see right through him.
He is about to return home, leaving behind what this year has brought him. He is distracted for a moment by a message on his phone, but out of the corner of his eye, he sees someone so familiar that his heart skips a beat, and then another one. Then it starts beating so quickly that it hurts. Ren can feel its beats against his ribcage.
He grabs his phone and bag and quickly exits the train. A small part of his brain is thankful for the fact that Sojiro will send him the rest of his things in a couple of days and that all he was carrying was just his bag.
As the train leaves, Ren sees him again, talking to two men. He stares at him so intently that everything else seems to disappear. Ren knows that Morgana is talking to him, clearly worried, but even that seems to matter less. All that matters is him, only him, and the fact that he’s still alive… that he’s still here.
"Goro," he murmurs. "Goro."
He convinces himself to run and catch up with him, barely noticing the people he bumps into as he tries to reach him as quickly as possible. It occurs to him that perhaps it's just his imagination, his pain and grief manifesting itself in this heartwrenching way. But he couldn't care less. Goro is alive and breathing — still existing in the same world as him.
When those two men leave, Ren knows this is his chance. He’s outside the train station, and he knows he shouldn't be here. He was supposed to be on that train on his way home, but how could he? How could Ren let this chance slip away? How could he let him go? He has already done it twice, and that was enough to take his breath away.
"Goro."
Goro turns towards him, and Ren recognizes astonishment in those beautiful ruby eyes. He missed him so much that sometimes it felt impossible to breathe, as if he were constantly under water desperately trying to emerge. Goro starts to walk away, but turns around to see if Ren is following him, until they find themselves in a more secluded place, a small alley.
"You are alive," he gasps, feeling almost breathless. Is he breathing? He feels like his lungs are on fire.
"Seems so."
"How?"
"All I know is that I woke up in the hospital," he says. "Injured, but alive."
"Bu-but Maruki said…”
"My guess is as good as yours," he replies, shrugging his shoulders as if it didn't matter. But it does matter. “He probably wasn’t sure about my survival, and used it as a way to convince you to accept that foolish reality.”
"Why didn't you call me?" Ren asks, realizing how needy his voice sounds. "Why?"
"Why should I have?" Goro inquires, tilting his head clearly confused.
"Because I thought you were dead. I never hesitated because I knew that reality would have been your personal hell," he whispers, aching to touch him. "I never stopped thinking about how things might have turned out if only I had saved you. I never stopped thinking about you."
Goro looks at him for a moment, then gives him a faint smile. "You're so hopeless, Ren."
Ren averts his gaze, and nods weakly. “What if I am?”
“Oh, but you are, Ren. You are more hopeless than I thought.”
Ren puts his hand in his pocket and squeezes Goro’s glove, a mere substitute for the person he would like to hold in his arms.
“You are alive,” he repeats. “Alive, and this isn’t some weird fake reality. You’re really here.”
He wants to cry, and to scream. Ren wants to hold Goro in his arms, and hide his face in the crook of his neck, to feel the warmth of his against his own. Ren wants that so desperately it hurts.
Goro nods. “Yes.”
Ren lowers his gaze as the tears roll down his cheeks. “I missed you, Goro,” he murmurs, saying his name as if we're a secret between them. “I missed you so much.”
“Missed me?” Goro murmurs, slightly confused. “Why would you?”
“Because… I care about you.” Because I love you, he wishes he could say, but he keeps it to himself, at least for now.
Goro gets closer to him, so close they almost touch. With every breath, Goro’s scent enters his lungs, and he almost feels breathless. He wants to touch him so badly it drives him crazy. “You care about me?”
“So much.”
“I killed you, Ren,” Goro whispers in his ear, and Ren can feel his breath caressing his skin — pure fire of temptation. “Did you forget?”
Ren smiles. “But you didn’t, Goro,” he retorts. “I already knew what you were going to do.”
Goro smiles. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks again, moving slightly away to stare at him. He wants to spend hours gazing at him, tracing how his eyes seem to soften sometimes, and how his lips always seem to curl up slightly every time he replies. Perhaps it is just his imagination, but that’s fine.
Goro stays silent for a moment, before replying. “I don’t know.” But something in his eyes suggests that he knows, but doesn’t want to tell Ren, and so he doesn’t press him.
“I still have your glove,” Ren says. He remembers how he slept with Goro’ glove under his pillow for weeks after that last battle. How he would sometimes hug it tightly against his chest, hoping it would soothe the anguish in his heart. “Do you want it back?”
“Our duel isn’t over,” Goro retorts with a small smile. “So keep it.”
“Right,” Ren nods with a smile, caressing Goro’s arm with his fingertips. “Our duel can last forever, if we want.”
“Maybe.”
“Goro,” he murmurs, lips trembling, fingers yearning to touch his face.
“What?”
“Can I touch you?”
Ren stares at him with overwhelming longing. Goro’s expression seems confused for a moment, and underneath the confusion there’s something else. Yearning? Want? Ren doesn’t know, but it makes his eyes look even more beautiful.
“Yes.”
Ren’s hand trembles as he lays it on Goro’s cheek. To touch him, to feel his warmth against his skin, makes Ren's head spin very fast. He caresses his skin with something close to reverence, and then he lightly touches his lips, warm and soft against his fingertips.
“Goro,” he says softly, lovingly. “Goro.”
Goro’s eyes widen briefly before he closes them, briefly leaning into Ren’s touch.
I love you, Ren thinks.
Goro lightly caresses Ren’s cheek for a moment, and then his lips, as if he was murmuring I love you. But that’s something that will be left unsaid for awhile, Ren knows that Goro isn’t ready for this, and maybe he’s not ready either.
“Can I hug you?”
Goro looks down for a moment before nodding. The thought almost takes his breath away — he wanted nothing more than to hold him in his arms.
Ren wraps his arms around Goro, holding tightly and hiding his face in the crook of his neck. Ren closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth of his body, and how alive he feels against him. Goro seems uncertain for a moment, before hugging Ren even more tightly, as if he were the only reason he was still standing up. Ren feels tears running down his cheeks, but he doesn’t care, why would he? He kept his feelings bottled inside himself for so long that it feels like his heart is going to break, so he lets everything go as he holds Goro against him.
He had to let go of Goro two times, and it was soul-crushing — it felt like his heart shattered into a million pieces, but now as he holds him even more tightly, Ren vows to himself that he will never let him go.
Not now, not ever.