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Shane was having a good day. Hell, Shane was having a good year.
Things were looking up after the Admirals won the cup; after him and Ilya finally, finally put voice to the unspeakable thing between them. They were boyfriends, even.
Shane maintained a personal best score record for the season, which was shaping up to become a world record if the Voyagers made it to the playoffs (they totally would). He had dinner with Hayden and Jackie once a week minimum, and babysat their kids so they could have ‘date night’ regularly enough that Shane was practically a parent to the girls.
He found himself getting lost in the feeling of the joy of it all. This was the life he never let himself realise he wanted. So many years of hiding every part of himself away so deep that even he didn’t know who he really was. It was refreshing to get to know himself.
It made him lazy.
“Hey man..”
It was after practice one night, Shane had politely waited for the shower to clear before taking one himself. He got out, dried himself, and came back into the locker room to find it was just him and Hayden left.
“This sounds serious.” Shane joked, but meant. Hayden looked flustered, it was out of character. He was sitting on the bench, avoiding eye-contact, which he usually maintained, and gripping– Shane’s phone.
“You know how we’re such great friends and we know each other’s phone passwords and there’s kind of like an unspoken ‘hey if you need it, you can use my phone!’ kind of thing going on? Well… My phone died and I needed to text Jackie and I know you have her number so I was going to use your phone to text her but the messages opened to Lily and–”
Shane’s blood turned to ice. “Hayden–” He knows what Hayden saw. There was nothing explicitly incriminating about Ilya, he doesn’t think. He needed to talk himself out of this somehow but Hayden was on a roll now
“--well… Boston Lily probably isn’t actually named Lily, yeah? And he –definitely he, by the way– was wearing a Bears jersey, like, a player’s jersey.” Hayden held the phone out to him like it hadn’t been the catalyst to the worst moment of Shane’s life. “Look, man, I love you. This isn’t going to change that, nothing can change that.”
Hayden paused and Shane took a moment to let the words sink in. He could feel the tears burning his eyes, the ache in his jaw from clenching his teeth, and the slightly dizzy sensation from not quite breathing evenly enough. He also felt the earnesty radiating off of Hayden; he hadn’t meant for this to happen, he wasn’t going to make it a huge deal.
This is still his best friend.
The tears spill over, the whiplash of post-practice endorphins to this giddy fight-or-flight had Shane’s nerves so fried he couldn’t even fight it. This was his best friend, and he was about to know about Shane’s worst secret, and he would love him anyway.
“Woah! Dude, hey, it’s alright!” Hayden helped guide Shane down onto the bench next to him, physically pressing the phone into his hands and using a hand on the back of his neck to drag him into a hug. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have found out this way.”
Shane managed two heaving gasps, pressing his eyes into Hayden’s shoulder hard enough to see spots. He allowed himself thirty seconds to relish in the unabashed affection they were showing for each other before mustering the courage to sheepishly swipe at his eyes as he pulled away.
“Come for dinner? You could… tell me about him?” Shane blanched, just in time for Hayden to tack on, “or we can pretend he doesn’t exist again. Dealer’s choice, just- come over… Please? Don’t go freak out in your massive house all alone.”
“I need to-“ Shane gestured to the phone in his lap like it was the rest of the words in the sentence he couldn’t manage to get out. I need to call him. He needs to know.
Fuck, Ilya was going to be pissed.
It took three rings to pick up, Shane was just clearing the exit door.
“Congratulations on your win. Though I scored more goals than you, so I am still best hockey player.”
It was a relief to hear his voice; even if Shane could only really hear the club music and cheers in the background from the Bears’ celebration after their game. He hoped they were having fun. They would be a shit team next year without their star player. “Can you go outside? This is serious.”
There was some more shouting and a lot of shuffling over the speaker as Ilya presumably made his way to the smoking area. The noise disappeared suddenly with a final bang, and Shane heard a lighter click immediately after.
“Okay, sweetheart. What is so serious? You sound like you are falling apart.”
It was Ilya’s usual blunt words, but there was a softness to his tone that only came about when a few drinks deep and he was talking to Shane. It was his favorite version of Ilya. All versions of Ilya were his favorite; Shane loved this man beyond words, which is why he needed to know—
“Hayden knows. He found out. He went on my phone to text Jackie and your picture from this morning showed up. He doesn’t know its you but he knows and I’m so sorry Ilya, I promise I didn’t mean—“
“—Hollander. Stop.” Ilya didn’t sound angry, but Shane was ready anyways, “Pike is stupid, but he is your friend. Will he tell?”
He did ‘t even need to think about it “No.” If he asked Hayden not to tell anyone, he wouldn’t. Not even Jackie.
He doesn’t think he could ask that of him, though. They weren’t the kind of people that kept things hidden from each other. Shane always felt guilty that his parents had to carry the burden of hiding him and Ilya, and now he would feel guilty that Hayden did too. There was one thing he could do for him, and it was tell Jackie. He couldn’t ask Hayden to hide it from her. Fuck, this was a lot.
“Then it is okay.” Ilya urged “We are okay. Maybe it is time for people to know, yes? Not everybody, only important ones.”
The tension left Shane in such a rush that his legs gave out and he slid down the wall to the filthy alley floor. He was going to need another shower.
“He invited me for dinner to talk about it… or he said we could pretend it didn’t happen.” Shane was barely talking at a whisper, now. Everything was too much. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
“Is that what you want?” Ilya asked, “To pretend it didn’t happen.”
Shane hadn’t imagined a world where Hayden knew. It was an impossible, far-off thing before today. He finally let himself think about what it meant, now that the worst of his worries were for naught.
Hayden knew he was gay and still loved him. Ilya knew Hayden found out and still loved him.
Shane thought about being able to tell Hayden the little things, like how Ilya always kept ginger ale for him or how much his parents adored him. He thought about Ilya meeting Hayden as his boyfriend, instead of his rival. He thought about Ilya meeting Hayden’s kids, and how good he would be with them. Ruby would love him; they had the same wild energy.
“No.” Shane admitted, though he was only just realising himself, “I want to tell him. I want him to know.”
Ilya made a noncommittal noise over the phone, typing away at something, “Okay here is what we do. You go to stupid boring dinner with Pike family and tell them all about how much you love my dick, then you drive to the airport and pick me up. My plane lands at eleven thirty.”
Shane couldn’t help his giddy, slightly crazed laugh, “You’re flying here tonight?”
“What? We have no games tomorrow; and what kind of lover would I be if I left you alone with this?”
“Ew! Don’t—“ Shane’s phone pinged with a text from Jackie. “Okay. That was Jackie, I have to go. Thank you.”
“Do not have panic attack without me, Shane. You are with your stupid friend that loves you very much. But I love you more, obviously.”
“Obviously.” Shane replied, voice full of affection, “And I love you, too. I’ll see you soon.”
Shane ended the call with a deep breath. He was still on shaky ground, but he had his footing now. The text from Jackie was simply her asking Hayden when he would be home, so he sent a quick answer about them both being there for dinner before gathering the strength to stand and confront Hayden again.
The locker room was still empty, which was a relief because Shane was sure he looked like a mess.
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes… No— It will be, though. I told Jackie we’re headed over.”
Hayden went from cautious neutrality to a wide grin in seconds, “Fuck yeah! Holy shit I’ve been wanting to know about Lily for ages, man.” Hayden gathered his things and handed Shane his packed bag, still grinning, “We are talking about him now, right?”
Shane nodded once, accepting his bag, “We can talk about him now. Just- wait for Jackie. I don’t know if I can say it all twice.”
They took Shane’s car, where Hayden took the chance to lighten the mood by playing increasingly cringey pop country songs until Shane disconnected his phone and put on the radio instead. This felt normal. This was nice.
The front door and subsequent kitchen table of the Pike household were less nice. Shane couldn’t quite separate his sense of foreboding dread from longing hope. Maybe they were the same feeling.
“Shane! You're just in time! I just put Arthur to bed and dinner is almost ready.” Jackie greeted Shane first, he wasn’t sure if she didn’t notice the tense mood or was choosing to ignore it. She hugged him anyway.
Hayden made a noise of protest, playfully shoving Shane away, “Um hello?? Husband and father to your soon-to-be four beautiful children, here! Do I get a hug?” Shane had to look away while they greeted each other.
He looked at the clock; only two more hours. Ilya was probably boarding the plane already.
They chatted idly while Hayden and Shane took over setting the table and Jackie checked on the kids one last time. It was as they were sitting to eat that Jackie asked the question, “Are we still on for dinner Sunday? Not that I don’t love having you here but this was pretty last minute and that's not usual for you. Is everything okay?”
Shane froze with his fork halfway to his lips and cleared his throat awkwardly. Hayden looked like he was trying not to look excited.
“Well…” Fuck, he should’ve thought about how he was going to phrase this, “You know Lily, right?”
Jackie nodded, “The girl you definitely aren’t fucking and aren’t in a relationship with?” She teased, obviously not quite catching the tension in Shane’s shoulders.
“Well…“ He cringed a bit, but powered on, “She is sort of a…. he. And he is sort of…” Shane literally choked on the name, “Ilya Rozanov?”
“What!!?” Hayden sprung up from the table, “Oh my god. I thought you hated him! Shane, what!?” There was a beat while his initial outburst faded and then, “Oh my god I saw Ilya Rozanov’s dick.” He whispered, sliding right back down into his seat, “Oh my god you’ve seen Ilya Rozanov’s dick! Holy shit, dude this is crazy.”
Jackie quieted him with a hand on the shoulder, providing Shane with one small mercy before: “When did you see his dick?”
“A picture on Shane’s phone. Jackie, baby it was hu—“
“Okay!” Shane interrupted before Hayden could add whatever raunchy details he planned to, “Can we please stop talking about my boyfriend’s dick?”
Both Pikes’ attention turned back to him instantly, “Boyfriend?”
Shane knew this was going to happen, he knew they would be surprised. He knew it would be more complicated than ‘I love you, this won’t change that.’ but it was still a lot to be grilled like this. “Yeah… Since last summer.”
There was silence.
Hayden looked somewhere between disbelief and nausea, and Jackie just looked stunned. This was a lot to take in for both of them.
Shane knew them well enough that he wasn’t really worried about it, but he felt the need to voice: “Look, only my parents know. Literally no one knows about this and it needs to stay that way. You can’t tell anyone. Please.” He also knew it was a lot to ask.
Ilya would land at the airport in—Shane glanced at the clock—one hour. He felt a bit better.
“Of course, Shane!” Jackie reassured quickly, elbowing Hayden into saying,
“I’m still your best friend, dude, ‘course I won’t tell anyone; but fuck give me a second to process all of this. Lily being a guy is one thing—shit I assumed it was Marleau when I saw the jersey—but, Rozanov?” Hayden made some unintelligible gestures in Shane’s direction, “How do you even like him? How did that happen? How did I not notice?”
Shane couldn’t help but feel equally pleased at Hayden’s protectiveness and annoyed by his insulting Ilya. “And Marleau is a better option?? Ilya’s sweet. He makes me laugh.” He defended lamely, “And you didn't know because we've gotten really good at hiding it over the years… Well, from anyone who doesn’t have full access to my text messages.”
“…years?”
Whoops. Shane felt his face flush, “We’ve been um…” don’t say lovers, “Seeing each other,” he decided, “since our rookie season.”
There was more stunned silence.
Shane was glad they’d managed to mostly finish dinner before the topic came up. Hayden still looked nauseous and Jackie seemed a bit too invested in the whole story. “So you’ve been together for nine years? And no one has found out?”
“Sort of—“ Shane tried to think of a way to explain it without explicitly saying ‘we just met up to fuck’. He should really take some time to think of how to say this if he and Ilya were going to be telling more people, “We met up when we had games in the same area. We weren’t actually… together or exclusive until last summer. My parents actually walked in on us pretty much immediately after we made it official.”
Jackie hugged him. Shane hadn’t realised how his hands were shaking until she held them in hers. “That’s a lot to carry on your own for so many years, and I know it must’ve been scary to tell us. Thank you for trusting us with this.” She kissed his cheek for emphasis, despite the tears now tracking down his face, “You are always welcome to be openly yourself in my house, and that means Rozanov is welcome here too.”
There was a strangled noise of protest as Hayden unfroze from his shock, but Jackie shut him up quickly, “You should bring him to dinner one week. Hayden’s been trying to get you to go on double dates with us for forever.”
“This is not what I had in mind.” Hayden grumbled, but Shane was too busy basking in the joy of being known and still loved.
They knew.
The world wasn’t falling apart.
Ilya’s plane was landing in twenty minutes.
“Thank you.” He whispered into her hair, only pulling away long enough for Hayden to drag him into a bear hug.
“This is a lot.” Hayden said, “I don’t understand it— well, don’t understand him.” There was a pause, Shane waited for the other shoe to drop, “But I know Lily. I know how happy she makes you and if she is Rozanov, then… Well, I guess we can start with dinner one night.” He pulled away enough to look Shane in the eyes, “I won’t promise be nice to him, though. And he has to do all the dishes.”
“Fuck you,” Shane said, but they were both sporting giddy smiles. The emotional turmoil of the day finally caught up to them enough that nothing was really funny, but they laughed anyway. The tension was gone, leaving a blank slate of relief.
They made quick work of the dishes while trading questions and stories:
“Have you talked to Scott Hunter?”
“You never let him win, right?”
“WHILE I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH YOU!?”
It was nice. Shane felt light in a way he couldn’t remember feeling before. Maybe he’s never let himself be this free with anyone other than Ilya.
Fuck, this was really nice.
Shane’s phone lit up with a call from Lily.
“Hello. I am here now. We are waiting for plane to unload bags.” There was a shaky inhale, “It is still cold here, fuck; do you have extra coat?”
Shane held the phone close to his ear, pretending not to notice Hayden and Jackie pretending not to listen in, “Yeah I do. I keep one in my car.” He couldn't help his automatic smile; he was taking a call with someone else in the room. He never realised how big of a deal that could be.
“Of course you do.” Ilya sounded fond, “How is boring Hayden?”
That was his way of making sure that Shane was okay, that their secret was safe. He could hear the anxiety hiding behind the words. “Dinner was good. They know, and we are safe. You’re invited next time.” He glanced over at the couple, “I can tell you more at home? I’ll be there to get you in fifteen minutes.”
“This is good.” Ilya said definitively, “Ah, bag claim is starting. I will see you soon.”
“Okay, see you.” Shane put the phone down to see Hayden and Jackie looking expectantly at him, “What?”
Jackie was grinning, “You’re going to pick him up? He flew in to see you?”
“Of course. I told you, he’s sweet.” He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, “Also this is kind of a big deal, and we need to talk about it, and we don’t have any games tomorrow so…” Shane was typing the airport address into his phone as he talked, gathering his keys and putting the last dish away as he went, “He just landed, so I’m going to head out. Thank you for… well, everything, really.”
Hayden walked Shane to the car and hugged him for a bit too long before he managed to finally get into the car and pull out of the driveway. He didn’t bother with music, gripping the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white and staring straight ahead the entire drive like it would stop his brain from running wild until Ilya was in his arms and they were alone.
It didn’t, but he found his thoughts to be much less overwhelming than the last time someone found out. He didn’t feel the need to shut down, he wasn’t panicking anymore; he just wanted Ilya.
Luckily, he was waiting outside of the terminal with his hat, sunglasses, and suitcase, so all Shane had to do was pull up and pop the trunk. Ilya climbed into the passenger seat, Shane draped the coat over his shoulders, and neither of them said anything until the airport was in the rearview mirror and they could relax a bit without any eyes on them.
Ilya’s hand crept over the center console, so Shane dropped his from the wheel to thread their fingers together “The apartment is about a 30 minute drive.” He whispered, not looking to start a conversation yet, but wanting to set the tone for the night.
Ilya hummed in response, squeezing his hand firmly and leaning down to drop a kiss on his knuckles.
They both needed a quiet moment to recover with each other.
It was still weird to be in these in-between spaces, the ones where they were alone but not unobservable. The windows were tinted, but not opaque, they didn't want to risk anything. Not today. But Shane wanted to pull him into a kiss at every red light, wanted to bump their shoulders together and put a hand on Ilya’s knee like any other couple on a drive.
Maybe one day.
For now, they pulled into Shane’s garage after another quiet drive.
They got out and Shane beelined for the passenger door while Ilya hurried to unbuckle. They collided the second the garage door closed.
Every emotion: the joy, fear, and hope of the day was poured into their first embrace. Ilya cupped the back of his neck and Shane clutched at his waist and they just held each other, letting themselves breathe in the privacy of a shared home. They stayed that way, tucked together, until the automatic light above them flicked off and they broke apart to finish unpacking the car.
Some of the heaviness had lifted.
“Okay,” Ilya said, after he dropped his suitcase and they helped each other into clean clothes, “We will talk about this. You will tell me what happened with Pike and we will make a plan.” Ilya carded a hand through Shane’s hair, “But we will sleep first. It is late and I did not buy return flight. Tomorrow is for us to talk.”
Shane, who had run out of energy for talking back in the Voyager’s locker room, was eternally grateful for his boyfriend and how well they knew each other. He didn’t have to talk with Ilya. He could simply pull him down under the covers and arrange him into a comfortable pillow and whisper “I love you.” into the darkness; and he was understood.
And when Ilya whispered “Ya tebya lyublyu” into his hair, enunciating every syllable like he could inject the words with his own meaning, Shane understood him, too.