Chapter Text
The thing was, James had never seen Remus so happy in his life. But at the same time he’d never seen the boy so depressed.
Remus was always an impressive concealer of emotions, but at this point, James had known him for five years. While others, including a certain beautiful redhead, saw James as arrogant and selfish, without a care for others, the marauders knew his sweet side. He was their mother hen. He took careful notice of his best mates. He slipped Remus chocolate bars in the middle of the night after a full moon, he roped Sirius into pranks that were exhilarating but not too dangerous when the idiot was in a whirlwind, and he explored the castle with Peter whenever he sensed Peter was feeling left out.
So while others saw Remus with an impassive face, including Sirius and Peter, James knew better. His breath caught in his throat as he descended down the stairs into the common room. Remus was curled up in the armchair everyone respected as his own, staring into the fireplace with the most heart broken face James had ever seen. And he’d accidentally run into Remus staring at his scared face in the mirror before.
He immediately made a beeline for him.
“Hey,” James said softly, because that’s what you needed to be with Remus. “I was thinking of sneaking off to the kitchen to get some hot chocolate, you want to come?”
Remus flinched slightly, before putting on a cheerful face. “Thanks Jamie, but I really need to get to the library to… er, study a bit. Yeah.”
“Great! I’ll come with you.”
“Actually, I, I, um,” Remus stuttered, trying to find an excuse. Remus was too kind to ever turn someone down, even at the expense of his own discomfort.
James quickly jumped in, “Oh wait, actually I forgot, I told Sirius we’d play qudditch outside.”
Remus flinched, not bothering to hide it this time. James furrowed his eyebrows- had he misread the situation? Did Remus actually want company? Did he feel like James chose Sirius over him? Before James could even begin to plan what to do next, Remus abruptly stood up, snatched his things, and sped out the portrait hole with a quick bye.
James frowned. He looked up to see Sirius hardcore flirting with a girl a year below them. An idea bloomed in his head.
———
“Rem! Mind if I sit here,” Lily called out, panting as she transitioned from a run to a walk. She hated to be doing something Potter suggested, but she loved Remus and would never not be there for him. At least Potter had the decency to have that girl come ask her instead of asking Lily himself.
At the sight of her, Remus’ rigid posture slumped and he opened his arms, which Lily quickly stepped into. It was an awkward hug. He was still sitting in the library chair and she had to bend down in a hunch to reach him but she squeezed him all the same as he drew in shaky breaths that caused his whole body to shudder.
“It hurts, Lils,” he choked out. “So much.”
Her insides flashed with the heat of rage, protectiveness, love, and pain. Pain for seeing her best friend go through this. She had never seen him so vulnerable before. No matter how much she tried to help him in the past, he had always kept his pain hidden carefully inside.
“You can’t keep doing this Rem,” she begged.
The cries broke through Rem’s walls and she couldn’t make out much, but she knew she heard him say what he was always saying, “I love him.”
But lately the I love him was said more as an excuse rather than a happy declaration.
Lily’s grip tightened and a few tears slipped out of her as well. She wanted to hope for the best, but now was the time to prepare for the worst.
Time to get the Girls in motion for when it would come.
———
Sirius paced the empty common room. The knots in his stomach tightened and twisted as the seconds passed by. Where was he? This was routine; they always did this. Why was he so late?
Half an hour later, Remus appeared with Lily. Besides his hair being ruffled, he didn’t look much different. Part of the reason he stayed out so late was because he needed to wait until his eyes weren’t red and puffy. Remus didn’t want Sirius to know he had cried. Again.
Lily looked at Sirius, or rather through him, and the hairs on the back of his neck raised. Each time he saw her she was looking at him more and more intensely. And he didn’t think she was looking at him in a positive way.
Lily gave Remus a tight hug, whispered something in his ear, and kissed his right cheek, over the jagged scar, before heading up to the girls dormitory.
Remus shuffled closer, mumbling a soft “hey.”
Sirius wasted no time in reaching out and yanking him over so he could wrap his arms tightly around Remus' small waist. He nuzzled his face into the Remus’ neck, inhaling the minty scent of the boy’s soft curls.
“I missed you,” he breathed out.
He was so happy and content he didn’t even notice that Remus’ arms were hesitant to wrap around him, but he could feel the fast beating of the boy’s heart. The heart that beat for him. The thought warmed Sirius up from the bottom of his toes.
“Yeah,” Remus replied.
Sirius pulled back so he could look up into his favorite pair of green eyes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the barely noticeable pink smudge on his cheek. Sirius pulled him down onto the couch, bringing him possessively into his lap. He licked his thumb and brushed it over the scar, making the pink go away.
Remus seemed to be lightening up, a dorky smile gracing his lips when he nudged Sirius.
“Gross!” He laughed as he wiped the saliva off his cheek.
Sirius rolled his eyes but there was an edge to his tone when he muttered that he was getting the lipstick off.
Remus’ grin stayed on, but the light in his eyes dimmed. “You can’t actually be jealous, Pads.”
Sirius made a “humph” sound, turning his gaze away. Remus climbed off his lap and the loss of heat and Moony sent his mind in haywire.
“You’re just, just with her all the time!”
Remus’ fists clenched. “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be if you’d-”
He then sighed, unable to finish the sentence. Planting his face in his palms, his curls fell over to hide his face.
“You know I want to, Remmy, but you knows, it’s… difficult.”
“But it doesn’t have to be,” Remus mumbled, digging the ends of his palms into his eye sockets.
Sirius’ vision went shifty. His heart thumped wildly in his chest. He hated when they were like this. He needed Remus like he needed-
Sirius couldn’t even come up with a comparison to how much he needed Remus. He need him more than anything. More than air, more than food, just more more more.
“I’ll do it!” He blurted out, regretting it until Remus popped his head up. He saw the smile tugging at the corner of the most beautiful lips, so he continued, “I’ll them, I’ll tell everybody, hell I’ll kiss you in the dining hall!”
Remus grinned, but pointed out, “You always say that.”
“This time is different,” Sirius said before Remus could even finish. He pulled his love’s hands into his and gave a gentle squeeze, his voice softening. “I can’t lose you.”
Remus’ body tingled and he tried to think of everything Lily told him and he tried to remember the pain from earlier, but it was impossible when he was with Sirius. God, he loved this boy so much. His lungs were burning from the need to scream it out loud.
Focus, Remus, focus. His voice trembled, but he was able to ask the question. “And you’ll, er… you’ll stop flirting with girls?”
Sirius didn’t bother to answer. He pulled his Moony up and pressed their bodies together, letting go of one hand so he could rest it on Remus’ shoulder.
“Anything for you, my love,” he whispered and the taller boy finally placed his hand on Sirius’ waist, leading them in a gentle, swaying rhythm.
Sirius started to sing softly in Moony’s ear.
This was it, Rem thought. Things are going to work out. They hadn’t danced like this in a while and that made it all the more special. This was their thing. This was their bubble. There was nothing more precious to them than dancing with each other, the happiness seeping into the other through the pores of the skin pressed tightly together.
The rest of the night was wonderful. They laughed and Sirius couldn’t stop touching Remus- threading his fingers through his curls, keeping an arm on his leg, snuggling into him, pulling him into his lap. Remus’ guard was down and his face was full of emotion and expression. He watched his lovely Padfoot with adoring eyes, genuinely laughing at everything he said.
Remus was so happy he didn’t even mind when Sirius made them do the usual end of the night routine- Sirius goes up first and then Remus comes up 30 minutes later to make sure James and Peter don’t know. Not that it was necessary- those boys always were fast asleep and slept like logs.
Remus tucked himself in his blankets and sighed, falling asleep with a smile on his face. That night he had no bad dreams or nightmares of moons and hunting and blood. He dreamt of the color of his favorite jumper- a stormy gray blue- and warm hands on the beach and the smell of the forest and the sound of two hearts beating in sync.