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Obi-wan looks up from his book, which has just taken a rather deliciously racy turn, when the little bell above his shop door gives a happy little chime. And, blast it all to the seven Sith hells, in steps the distinctive white armour of a clone trooper. This one is marked with orange-gold and the insignia of a Commander.
Obi-wan had been doing his best to stay as far away from this thrice cursed war as possible. He runs a tea shop for Force's sake. But his distinctive dark robes, glowing golden eyes, and even the name of his shop were all rather indicative of his nature. His nature as someone the clone troopers had been trained since the moment of their creation to kill on sight.
He watches as the trooper turns their helmet slowly, studying the walls, packed floor to ceiling with hundreds of different varieties of tea, the crowded countertop, the steaming teacup by Obi-wan's elbow, his book, and then Obi-wan himself. There is no possible way he could miss what Obi-wan is. Obi-wan tenses slightly, not sure yet whether he should fight or flee. Either way, he'll lose his shop.
But the trooper takes off his helmet, tucking it under his arm, and beautiful deep brown eyes meet his, expression surprisingly, amusingly, wry. The force warms with soft gentle sunshine.
"You don't sell caff, do you, Sir."
The statement is utterly dry, entirely resigned.
Obi-wan sucks in a deeply offended breath, only slightly ruined by the grin he's failing to suppress, and raises his hands in a sign to ward off evil.
"Perish the thought, Commander." He scolds, appalled. "I'm hurt you think I could allow such a poison to taint these hallowed halls."
The Commander shakes his head a little at Obi-wan's dramatics, the tiniest hint of a smile just ghosting over the corner of his lips.
"My apologies, Sir. I shall endeavour not to make such a mistake in future."
"See that you don't, Commander." Obi-wan tells him, mock stern, not even attempting to hide his smile.
The Commander turns his attention back to the shelves, studying them with narrowed eyes. Obi-wan gets the impression he's composing spreadsheets, lists of pros and cons of each tea in his head, lining information up before planning an attack. It's unexpectedly charming.
"Buying for someone else?" He guesses.
The Commander hums in confirmation, not taking his eyes off the shelves. As if he isn't at all bothered that Obi-wan is technically a dangerous enemy. It's a rather touching show of trust.
"Could you describe their tastes to me? What flavours do they generally tend to like?"
The Commander gives him a look, as if the question he'd just asked was particularly stupid, and he should have known better than to ask it.
"He prefers the green ration bars, Sir."
Obi-wan has absolutely no idea what a green ration bar is supposed to be.
"And, my dear, what do green ration bars taste like?"
"Very little." Is all the response he gets, dry humour still evident in the subtle curve of an eyebrow. It's an incredibly appealing expression, but not a particularly helpful answer.
"I'll tell you what, my dear," Obi-wan decides, "I'll get you a small sample of several of the more common flavour groups, and I'll give you my com code so you can let me know which he most enjoyed."
From the considering tilt of the Commander's head as he studies Obi-wan, he knows he's made the right choice. Obi-wan knows the joy, the anticipation, of sampling an array of new things. Imagines how much more intense that feeling's likely to be, if you've never had things.
"That's kind of you, Sir. Thank you." The Commander says softly, a little hesitantly.
"Oh, my dear," Obi-wan says, waving him off, and turning to peer at his walls of tea caddies, even as his heart aches at such a reaction to such a tiny action, "it's no bother at all. Believe me, I will take any opportunity to convert anyone and everyone to the wonders of the one true beverage."
The Commander chuckles, a sound that has absolutely no business making Obi-wan's insides go warm like that.
He selects a variety of teas, and if he makes the portions a little larger than he normally would, nobody would know. He wraps them carefully, neatly, in brown paper and string. The Commander is showing no signs of impatience, is calmly watching his hands as he works. And Obi-wan knows how much it means for someone to take care, to put effort into something for you. He also charges a ridiculously small amount, and from the raised eyebrow he's presented with, the Commander is well aware of that.
"This is my shop, Commander. I source these teas myself. I can do as I wish with them."
The Commander just meets his eyes. Conceeding, but wholly unimpressed.
"As you say, Sir."
Force, but he's a delight.
---
The proprietor of A Dark Brew,
As per your request, I can report that Wooley enjoyed all the teas in the black, fruit and herbal categories, but neither of the green ones. Please find attached his comments, and please also excuse his language.
He was sufficiently excited by them that he insisted I try each and every one. My notes are in the second column.
Regards,
CC-2224 - Commander Cody
Attachment:
The_Great_Tea_Rankings.spdf
---
My dear Commander Cody,
My sincere thanks for forwarding such a delightful series of tasting notes. It is honestly rare to read something so authentic, humourous, and utterly devoid of all snobbery. I found Wooley's comments both vastly entertaining, and perhaps more importantly, accurate. I would appreciate it greatly, if you could pass my thanks on. I will have a great deal of fun narrowing down my selections based on his feedback.
I see that we are yet to convert you to the superior beverage, but I'm afraid you've just given me more information for my cunning plot to find a tea which you enjoy. I hope you will be able to pick up a few complimentary samples next time you are in my section of the Galaxy.
Warmest regards,
Obi-wan Kenobi
---
Cody's pretty tea Sith!
Tis I, Wooley, recipient of your many exciting teas! Crys helped me steal your comm code from Cody while Waxer and Boil distracted him XD And are currently all hovering annoyingly over my shoulder offering extremely helpful advice while I type.
Thank you so much for all the teas! They're all so amazing and so different! Consider me absolutely seduced to the dark side which Boil is convinced is your ultimate aim. Do you need me to conduct any sabotage for you? The GAR would fall in a day if we hid Cody's caff supplies. I'm not even exaggerating. We wouldn't survive the experience, but death is a small price to pay if I get to drink another one of your insanely tasty teas. Waxer wants to know if ghosts can drink tea? Apparently I've got this all in the wrong order and should aim to drink the tea before Cody murders us all in his caff deprived state.
But anyway, I wanted to say thank you and also swear my undying loyalty. Boil, Waxer and Crys are not swearing theirs. They have no true appreciation for good tea, and remain loyal to Cody.
Now the important questions. Do you do mail order? And which forms of currency do you take? I don't have many credits, what with not being paid and all, but I can offer you items of your choice sewn from waste fabric (black only), pretty rocks I found, and things knitted from any random strange vine of the right bendyness and strength I come across. Full disclosure, some of them have turned out to give people a rash, so would make a good gift for your enemies. Crys wants to know if tea shop owners have enemies? Waxer is convinced you're in a deadly rivalry with the flower shop across the street.
Thank you for the tea, and I'm very glad that Cody's opinion that "that man loves tea far too much to ruin it with poison" turned out to be accurate.
Please write back!
Your new loyal devotee,
Wooley.
(And also Waxer and Boil, whose loyalty remains with Cody)
((But not Crys who doesn't want to be incriminated when this "all inevitably goes to kriff, I'm just here for the drama"))
---
My dear Commander,
While I hesitate to betray a confidence, or encourage the drinking of such a vile substance, I feel you may be wise to ensure your caff supplies are properly secured. I have heard rumours of a threat to their existence in an attempt to bring down the GAR. I would really rather you not have to suffer the withdrawals, as I have heard they are remarkably unpleasant, and would wish to spare you that.
I have done what I can on my end to dissuade this plan, but there is of course only so much I can do.
Wishing you sufficient caffination,
Obi-wan
---
My dear Wooley,
(Also Waxer and Boil, and possibly also Crys)
I must thank you for your message, I admit, I was truly delighted to receive it. It's not often that my tea receives such genuine and enthusiastic praise. It's lovely to meet, if only via com messages, someone with such an appreciation.
I must also congratulate you on your obtaining of the Commander's com. He seems a frankly impressively competent man, and I'm sure that the task was far from easy. I can see why the 212th are regarded as highly as they are.
In answer to your questions:
- I have, in the past, come across several Sith ghosts while hunting for new types of tea. I'm afraid I have never seen one attempt to drink a cup. This could be because many of them were trying to kill or otherwise inconvenience me at the time, seemingly not understanding the lengths I am prepared to go to in my quest to find as many types of tea as possible. These ghosts were unable to interact physically with solid objects, but were able to influence their surroundings via the force. Therefore, I'm inclined to hypothesise that they could lift the cup, and pour the tea into their mouths, but that the tea itself would then fall straight through them. An undeniable waste.
On that note, please do not hide the Commander's caff, I'm sure he'd much prefer you all alive, and without the grief and guilt of having killed you.
- I confess, I have never sent anyone tea through the post before, but would be willing to open this new avenue to discerning and trusted customers. I, however, refuse to open a holonet shop. Tea needs to be properly experienced. You cannot tell enough about it from a holo to know if what you are buying is good. Obviously all my tea is good, but not all of it is suited to all beings.
Hopefully you will be able to receive the new selection of samples which I have sent in the post. I chose them based on your Commander's report as to which of the previous set you most enjoyed. I hope that you enjoy them.
- I will accept any of the mentioned items as forms of payment. I am particularly fond of pretty rocks, and have quite a collection myself. I am also currently running low on socks. Do not worry about the vines being poisonous, if they give me a rash, I will simply regift them to the florist in the shop opposite. Who is a remarkably unpleasant being whom I confess I do not get on with at all. My compliments to Waxer's sharp eye.
I look forward to hearing from you all again,
Kindest regards,
Obi-wan Kenobi,
Purveyor of fine teas
---
Kenobi,
Please do not encourage Wooley and the rest of the menaces.
I can assure you my caff supplies are safe, although I appreciate the warning.
Also, thank you for the intel on ghosts. Any advice on how to dispel them? The General is refusing to believe they exist despite evidence to the contrary.
Cody
---
My dear Cody,
I'm afraid I haven't the slightest idea what you mean.
Please see attached rune schema for ghost banishing. I'm afraid it's unlikely to help overmuch, as you need a force-sensitive to activate them and the runes are in a recognisably Sith alphabet. The majority of Jedi tend to be really quite inflexible about such things. I have also attempted to create an array that can be powered by a non-force sensitive, however I must stress that this is entirely experimental and untested. I cannot guarantee results, and if results do occur they may not be those anyone was anticipating, and could be quite severe. Please use it cautiously, and only if you have no other option.
Obi-wan
Attachments:
Anti-ghost-array.spdf
Experimental-anti-ghost-array.spdf
---
Obi-wan
You're as bad as they are.
A combination of the anti-ghost-symbols, happy thoughts, the power of love, and what Longshot is calling his ghost slugthrower (don't ask) appears to have been successful.
Thank you.
Cody
---
Cody's pretty anti-ghost tea Sith!
Thank you for saving all our shebs! We've attached holos for you!
Wooley and Waxer and Boil (and Crys)
Attachments:
Banishing_Circle.spng
Longshot_and_the_ghost_slugthrower.spng
Cody_being_incredibly_unimpressed.spng
Cody_and_Crys_trying_to_learn_runes.spng
Get_kriffed_ghostie.spng
Waxer_and_Boil_bullying_a_ghost.spng
Wooley_being_awesome.spng
---
My dear Cody,
A fact that I shall take as a compliment. They are a marvellous bunch.
I'm terribly glad to hear that and shall do my best not to ask. Despite my burning curiosity.
Obi-wan
---
Obi-wan
Thank you.
I'm surprised you lowered yourself to buying caff, but it's keeping me alive and sane, and I'm extremely grateful. Thank you also for befriending Wooley and the others. Morale has increased significantly in what's been a difficult few weeks.
I really appreciate it.
Cody
---
My dear Wooley,
Thank you so much for such delightful holos!
I hope Waxer is with you as you're reading this. I have news about my adversary, the florist. He was led out of the shop, in cuffs, by the police! From my terribly careful eavesdropping, I have found that he's apparently been fiddling his taxes! It's led to a great deal of excitement and gossip along the row, and everyone seems rather relieved to see him gone. Myself especially.
Let me know if you haven't received the latest samples I sent, and I'll do my best to track them down.
Obi-wan
---
Cody's pretty tea Sith,
Sir, I'm surprised it took this long to be honest! If Cody wants something done then it gets done. That's a fact of the Galaxy.
Enjoy the victory and your peace!
Wooley and Boil and Waxer (and Crys, who's still lurking for the drama)
Oh, and yes, the tea samples arrived this morning! Thank you so much! A selection of my prettiest rocks are in the return post. I decided not to send the poison socks, as you don't have an evil florist to give them to any more :)
---
Cody, my dear,
The caff was a gift. As grateful as I am, payment was unnecessary.
I'm glad I've been able to help in some small way, but I can assure you that it's hardly selfless. You, all of you, are a delight to know. I derive a great deal of enjoyment from your messages.
Obi-wan
---
Obi-wan.
I was under the impression gifts could be passed both ways.
Cody
---
My dear,
I confess, I feel surprisingly like one of those dainty damsels in the novels I read. I shall endeavour not to swoon into your manly arms next time you visit my humble establishment.
It might be the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me, and I appreciate it a great deal. Truly, Cody, you are a remarkable man.
On the subject of gifts, I have found myself in possession of a significant quantity of hoth chocolate. Would you perhaps be able to tell me who best to address it to, in order to achieve an even distribution among the members of your battalion?
Yours,
Obi-wan
---
Obi-wan,
I'd be grateful if you left me with the loyalty of at least one of my men. I feel the need to create a holopoint lecture on the dangers of bribery, corruption, and warm beverages. Peeler is head of the kitchens, and will see to fair distribution. Violently if necessary.
My batchmate tells me that the attached is the correct communication method for swooning damsels. I have memorised it.
Should any swooning occur, I promise to catch you. I would also promise to apply smelling salts, but I'm afraid I don't actually know what they are. Will table salt be sufficient?
Cody
Attachment:
Language_of_fans.spdf
---
The bell chimes, and it sounds distinctly annoyed this time. Obi-wan looks up from his book, where the protagonist is just about to be betrayed by their mentor, and hides a sigh. Apart from his dealings with the delightful Commander Cody and his squad, Obi-wan has taken incredible pains to stay as far away as possible from this whole blasted war. An apparently entirely fruitless endeavour, given that the Chancellor of the entire dratted Republic is now in his shop, a Guard Commander taking up position by the side of the doorway. Unlike Cody's distinctly lovely sunshine, this Commander is unnervingly absent in the force. Empty somehow.
The Chancellor takes his time looking around the shop, clearly taking his time, and also... building up suspense? Obi-wan thinks he's probably supposed to be feeling nervous, but he's a little busy poking at the force around the Guard Commander, trying to work out how he's so unnaturally empty.
"Little Padawan Kenobi." The Chancellor starts, coming to a stop in front of Obi-wan. His tone is soft and mocking. Which is really quite rude. Also, rich. The Chancellor isn't exactly tall himself. "Fallen so far." He continues. "Cast aside. Nobody's ever wanted you, have they. Running a tea shop of all things. How... quaint. How uselessly pathetic. Couldn't handle being a Jedi and such a terribly useless Sith. You're hardly a threat to me, but I'm afraid I just can't take the risk of you interfering. You've become rather... close to one of my more useful little flesh droids after all. This plot has been years in the making, I can't allow anyone to put too many of the pieces together."
This is probably not the best time to admit that Obi-wan likely wouldn't have put any of the pieces together without this visit. But it's possible Commander Cody would have. He has access to much more information, and comes across as really rather intelligent.
And, well, he thinks as he ducks a blast of the force from the Chancellor, pleased to see that the warding he'd copied from an ancient Sith temple while on a quest for a new strain of tea was holding up nicely and the shelves remained undamaged, he was perhaps a little less useless than the Chancellor anticipated. Tea plants really did have a habit of growing in the most awkward and inaccessible of places. He'd had a fair deal of practice with his saber, but he'd mostly picked up some very useful, if rather esoteric, force techniques. Master Antilles had been a wonderful help on the occasions they ran into each other, if rather bewildered by Obi-wan's dedication to hot beverages. And apparently not at all perturbed by his dark nature. To be honest, Obi-wan isn't even entirely sure he's ever actually noticed.
Obi-wan meets a swinging lightsaber blade with his own, this probably isn't the time for woolgathering, and gently nudges the force around the suspiciously blank and still Guard Commander. There must be some sort of mind control going on there.
He ducks another blow, follows the currents, the tethers, in the force, and - oh. There.
He reaches, carefully, and yanks. A rush of burning fury floods the force, but Obi-wan's moment of inattention has cost him. He's pinned back against his shelves, the Chancellor's lightsaber at his neck.
Until the Chancellor slumps, dropping forwards, saber falling from his lax grip.
Obi-wan looks at the tea caddy the Guard Commander is holding, dripping blood and brain matter onto the floor.
"Well," he says, "I've been looking for a name for that blend. I think I'll call it Chancellor's Bane."
He can feel the Commander's unimpressed stare even through his helmet.
"Thank you." He tells him. "I'd offer you a lifetime of free tea," the Commander sneers at the very idea, "but something tells me you're a caff man."
The Commander huffs.
"I've been wanting to take out that karker for ages. Besides, Cody would not be happy if you died on my watch."
Obi-wan ignores the warmth that the words give him. It's silly to be getting this flustered over a man he's met once.
They both turn to look down at the body by their feet.
"Would you like me to..." Obi-wan offers.
"No need." The Commander says, bending down to fist a hand in the back of the Chancellor's robes, and dragging him none too gently towards the door. "Hardly the first body I've disposed of. And this one, I'm going to use to my advantage."
"Very well, Commander. Let me know if there's anything you ever need."
The Guard Commander stops in the doorway, and turns to look at him. The blank face of his helmet is eerily impossible to read, but his force presence is a sharp, vicious thing.
"Just bear in mind I have no problem killing Sith who hurt my brothers."
Is that a shovel talk? Is he, Obi-wan, genuinely on the receiving end of an actual shovel talk? How delightful.
"Understood, Commander."
---
Obi-wan's book is just teetering on the edge of its happy ever after when the little shop bell rings cheerfully. He looks up, and is met with familiar white and gold armour and a wash of sunshine, the warmth of which he can feel seeping into his bones.
"Sir." Cody greets as he tucks his helmet under his arm.
"My dear," Obi-wan half-scolds with a smile, "I'm sure we were on a first name basis."
"Obi-wan."
Obi-wan beams.
"Now, what can I help you with Cody?"
Cody steps forwards and places a parcel onto the counter, next to Obi-wan's still steaming cup of tea, which he gives a curious look.
"Ah," Obi-wan says, and rubs at his beard. "While I was on the hunt for a particular strand of tea, very dark and slightly citrusy, I ended up passing through an old Sith temple with the most ingenious eternally burning pit full of spikes -"
Obi-wan tails off at the look on his Commander's face. It's both utterly flat and entirely fond.
"You repurposed a trap designed for eternal torment into a cup that keeps your tea warm."
Obi-wan's answering smile is also far too fond.
"Precisely, my dear."
Cody shakes his head, and Obi-wan remembers he's just been given a gift. He looks down at the package, carefully wrapped in brown paper. The same brown paper, he realises, that he'd sent those first parcels of tea off in. Carefully folded and kept safe.
Oh. That is... giving him feelings.
He unfolds the paper, just as careful, revealing a stack of books.
"The first two were recommended by my batchmate," Cody explains, as Obi-wan picks them up, noting the covers, both depicting conventionally attractive beings in dramatic poses, clothing in disarray, with a smile.
"The last is by Wooley." Cody sounds utterly resigned.
Obi-wan looks down at the last cover, and blinks.
The background is a dangerous looking jungle, eyes peering maliciously through the undergrowth, and standing in the foreground is a fully armoured clone commander, golden sun splashed across his chest, holding a dramatically swooning figure with dark robes and ginger hair and beard.
"Well," Obi-wan says, delighted. "I must say, that looks like an utterly enthralling read."
"I'm afraid Wooley has yet to grasp some of the finer points of subtlety."
Obi-wan stifles a grin.
"You've read it?"
"Unfortunately."
There's a softness around Cody's mouth, a glimmer in his eyes, amused and fond.
"Thank you, Cody." Obi-wan says, and the words come out with far too much meaning. "I shall look forward to reading them."
He casts his mind out, trying to think of something - he can't invite Cody out for tea, but perhaps -
Cody beats him to it.
"Apparently there's a rubber waterfowl race this evening," He says. "on the river. I wondered if you'd like to watch it with me. And also explain it to me."
"My dear," Obi-wan says, heart swelling in his chest, "I'd like nothing more."
---
Obi-wan,
The senate have decided to give us some back pay.
The florist shop opposite you is still empty. Would you have any objection to me buying it and opening a caff shop?
Fair warning, you'll likely be inundated with my brothers. I can't seem to get rid of them.
Cody