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“None of you can get your spouses as wound up as I can get Buck, that’s just a fact,” Eddie says, sipping his wine.
It’s Wine Night in the Grant-Nash household. Eddie, Athena, Karen, Maddie, and Ravi are gathered in the kitchen, sipping on glass number three, and making bets at the expense of their wonderful partners. (In truth, the first night Ravi showed up, Eddie had been confused at his presence instead of May’s, but then Eddie had gone home to find Buck, May, and Harry at each other’s throats over Mario Kart. And, well, both dynamics made sense.).
Everything started when Maddie opened up the night with a hilarious story about Chim, which devolved into sharing other moments of spousal-exasperation, and now here they are. Eddie volunteered to go last, convinced that he was going to be able to get Buck more worked up than the others could hope to get their spouses.
Ravi, being the newest addition to the group, is forced to play first. He’s terrible at it. May has him wrapped around her finger, and, in fact, Ravi ends up working himself up more than anything else. It’s fucking hilarious. Bobby is unshakable, really giving new meaning to the term “wife guy.” Hen folds immediately, prompting Eddie to text her “stand up, oh my god” after Karen hangs up. Maddie, as expected, is Eddie’s biggest competition. He can practically see Chim doing laps around his living room as he mumbles out gargled near-sentences before ending them all with “yes, honey” and a sigh.
Eddie is no amateur. He and Buck are best friends! Not to begrudge everyone else being best friends with their partners, blah blah blah. But he and Buck have some freaky shared-braincell shit going on that allows Eddie to know everything that goes on in Buck’s head.
And even if he didn’t, Buck is so easy to read.
“You guys are working way too hard at this.” Eddie unlocks his phone. “I can win this bet with a single word.”
“I’m partners with Buck at work,” Ravi says. “All he does is talk about you. There’s nothing you can say, short of being actually cruel to the guy, that would upset him.”
There are murmurs of agreement from around the kitchen island. Eddie shakes his head.
“You guys all think Buck is that whipped?”
“Yes,” they all reply in unison.
Eddie taps the marble countertop. “Put your money where your mouth is.” He puts the phone on speaker and places it in front of him.
[Outgoing Call to Buck💛👨❤️💋👨☀️]
“Hi, baby!” Buck says happily, answering after one ring. “How’s wine night?”
“It’s great! Miss you, though.”
“I miss you too.”
Eddie is aware of Ravi’s fake gagging, he just chooses to ignore it. He drains the rest of his wine, counting down from three to one on his fingers.
“Listen, Ev, can you pick up batteries? We’re out.”
Silence.
Eddie covers his mouth to keep from laughing. Yeah, he’s definitely winning this.
“Evan?” Eddie asks. God, it sounds so weird coming out of his mouth, but this is so damn funny.
[Call Disconnected]
“You might be sleeping on the couch tonight,” Athena mentions.
“No, wait for it.”
Two seconds pass, then Eddie’s phone vibrates violently.
[Incoming FaceTime Call from Buck💛👨❤️💋👨☀️]
“Oh, Buck,” Maddie sighs, laughing.
“Be cool!!!” Eddie takes a deep breath to calm down and answers the call. “You look handsome,” he says sweetly.
Buck stares back disgruntled, not unlike a toddler who’s just been told no. Actually, come to think of it, he looks a lot like Jee does when Maddie and Chim enforce their rule about no sugar before dinner.
“Who the hell is Evan?” Buck asks.
“Ummmmm, you?” Eddie draws in his bottom lip as a giggle makes an attempt at freedom. Doing this while wine-tipsy is making it significantly more difficult. “That’s your name.”
“That’s not my name to you.”
“That’s the name on our marriage license.”
“Baby, come on,” Buck whines. He’s pouting now, and it’s so cute that Eddie can’t help but take a screenshot. “What’s my name?”
“Evan Buckley.”
Buck groans. “What’s my other name?”
“Oh!” Eddie snaps his fingers. “Buck.”
“But what’s my name to you?” Eddie watches Buck flop down on their bed and huff pathetically.
Okay, Eddie has backed himself into a little bit of a corner. He tilts his head to the side and pretends to think really hard just to get a read on the room. The mood has shifted from fond amusement at Buck’s immediate whining to looks that say, “Yeah, Eddie, what’s his name to you?” He was thinking he’d win the bet, not that he’d have to expose the truth of which one of them was more whipped. Because there’s no way Eddie leaves Buck hanging here. Not a chance in hell.
“I just called because we needed batteries.”
“Well, I’m not getting any batteries until you call me by the correct name.”
“Your name is Evan, what’s the problem?”
At this point, it’s difficult for Eddie to remember to call him the wrong name. He’s itching to drop in a pet name. It’s dire. Eddie might die.
“Maddie calls me Evan,” Buck says, rolling his eyes.
From across the kitchen, Maddie throws her hands up, looking offended.
“I’m your husband,” Eddie counters.
“No, you’re pretending to be my husband. My husband loves me, and he knows my name, and I’m going to call Athena and have her send out a search party for him.”
Eddie can’t stop it, a small laugh bubbles out of him. He immediately slaps a hand over his mouth, but it’s too late. Buck sees anyway, gasping obscenely and promptly ending the FaceTime call.
“He’s a little dramatic,” Eddie says, calling Buck back. “You can slide your money over, I’ll collect while I fix this.”
As expected, Buck answers instantly, but he refuses to look at the camera. He’s got one arm crossed and keeps turning his head from side to side and looking off into the distance so Eddie knows he’s upset.
“Sweetheart,” Eddie says pointedly.
“Oh, now you remember.”
“Don’t be mad, mi amor, I did this for you.” Eddie gathers his winnings and holds the money up in front of the camera. “Now I can buy you something pretty.”
“What was the bet?”
Eddie’s eyes flit around the room. Four looks of preemptive betrayal stare back. “To see who could get their partner the most worked up,” he admits.
The jeering and booing are loud, but they knew! They all knew! The biggest family joke is that you can’t say or do anything with just Buck or Eddie because the other will be involved somehow!
“Like I wasn’t gonna tell him,” is Eddie’s flimsy defense. No one cares. Karen even throws some cheese from the charcuterie board at him. He pours himself another glass of wine. “And I knew we would win.”
“Okay.” Buck nods. “Keep going.”
“Huh?”
“You hit sweetheart and mi amor. Keep going.”
“Yeah, Eddie,” Ravi says, leaning on the counter and resting his chin in his hands. “Keep going.”
The blush on Eddie’s cheeks has nothing to do with the wine. There are too many pet names to list. Once, Eddie had called Buck “candy corn” for a week because he was dressed in yellow, orange, and white.
“Handsome,” Eddie says.
Buck nods and motions for him to continue.
“Mmm, angel. Sunflower. Oh, strawberry tallcake.”
“That’s more like it,” Buck says, flashing a gorgeous smile. “You’re forgiven. Go back to your wine, call me when you need a ride.”
“Okay, sweetheart. Love you!”
“Love you too, beautiful. Bye!”
Even after Buck hangs up the call, Eddie stares at his contact information dreamily for a few seconds. Damn. He loves that man so much.
The kitchen is quiet. Eddie knows the moment he looks up, everyone is going to tease him for that little display of saccharine affection. Which is fine, it just makes them haters of true love! Eddie’s just mentally preparing himself for it.
He stands up straight and sips his wine nonchalantly. What’s the worst they can do, he’s already got their money. No matter what, Eddie is the real winner.
“Okay,” Eddie sighs. “Go ahead.”
“Strawberry tallcake?” Karen asks.
Putting on as much of a dignified, serious voice as he can muster, he counters, “I don’t have to explain my marriage to you.”
“Eddie, I say this with love: We all know exactly how your marriage works now,” Maddie adds.
“I have a question,” Athena says. Uh-oh. Literally anything could happen next. “If you’re calling Buck ‘strawberry tallcake,’ what’s he calling you?”
“I’m taking that to my grave,” Eddie replies.
They can badger Eddie all they want, he’s not getting into it! It’s bad enough they now know some of the pet names he calls Buck when no one else is around, there is no way Eddie is going to list his own counterparts. Besides, there has got to be something else to talk about. Eddie should shift the conversation back to Karen’s annoying co-worker. No one is more fun to hate than an annoying co-worker! He’s got a few stories of his own from—
“It’s ‘blueberry studmuffin,’” Ravi says. “I texted Buck.”
“Oh my god,” Eddie mutters. He buries his face in his hands, helpless to stop giggling as his friends razz him lovingly about the nickname.