Work Text:
The building they entered is familiar. The slight chill of the air but at the same time the comfort of the shelter it provides. The dirty looking eggshell walls of the staircase. The way their shoes squeak against the stairs, the way their voices, no matter how hushed, echo through the hallway.
Jeonghan could probably get around without any light, being such a frequent guest. So why is he tripping over his feet? His hands feel clammy and he can only hope he’s not leaving sticky finger prints behind whenever he grabs the handrail. Taking an elevator would still be worse, he believes, and it’s only three floors.
The potted plants seem to thrive between the floors, somehow, the people tending to them anonymous. The city is already dark and lighting up with streetlights and people living their own little lives in their own apartment, they watch more and more light up every time they pass by a window.
Joshua’s been saying he’d like to find a better place and move out for a few months now. Jeonghan wonders if he’ll actually do it. Look for a new place? Sure, but he has a feeling Joshua might already be too fond of it here to make the final jump if he does end up finding a promising offer.
And with the way their relationship is going, he secretly wonders if, maybe, Joshua would wait a little longer. Even though it’s something of a far away future, the prospect makes his chest tighten with nervous excitement. Jeonghan knows that he himself will wait. His own place is alright, nothing to write home about but it’s a roof above his head and the neighbours don’t give him trouble.
Although is it really that alright if he’s already dreaming of moving in with his boyfriend after only a couple weeks of careful dating?
They finally take a turn and walk to the end of the hallway to Joshua’s front door. Jeonghan looks fondly at the fawn-shaped door mat that’s seen better days. Seungcheol gifted it to Joshua when he first moved in, joking that he needed something cute for the place before he made it look like one of those elegant showcase apartments in the magazines.
Jeonghan wonders if they’ll keep it.
In the theoretical scenario that they will one day move in together, of course.
Admittedly he’s been getting ahead of himself lately. Especially seeing as they haven’t been dating for long. All those years of friendship have to count for something too, though, right? They’ve already lived together for a couple months during their university days, so there’s a proof they can make it work.
During those days, Jeonghan never got the chance to wake up next to Joshua, in the same bed, legs tangled together. Or at least not sober, with soft morning light caressing Joshua and Jeonghan’s hands roaming his skin.
There might’ve been a time when they woke up sharing a bed, terribly hungover and awkward until they confirmed nothing had happened. That’s not what Jeonghan is after now.
To be fair, back then Jeonghan didn’t think about Joshua like that. He didn’t allow the thoughts he thought intrusive to get to him. He never imagined them doing things like this. Now he can’t seem to stop. Even if it makes his heart beat faster and his throat tighten.
For all his daydreams about the future, it’s not that Jeonghan isn’t patient. It really is not. It’s not like he thinks they’re moving too slow either. He’s happy - there’s nothing more he can say. He’s content. Dating Joshua, taking him to dinners, stealing him away for lunch when work allows, texting him only to get barely any response until the other calls him and he can sit and listen to his voice - it’s all that he needs to be happy.
He likes that they’re not rushing and don’t feel the need - and that they both struggle with it anyway. As if they wanted to make up for lost time, and then they look at each other and remember there’s no need for that.
Jeonghan likes that Joshua still gets surprised when he takes his hand or props his chin on his shoulder to see what Joshua’s looking at. His stomach gets all weird and fluttery in a way that should be illegal for any grown person, or so the world would have him believe, when Joshua looks at him and smiles, his eyes crinkling and the corners of lips tempting him to just kiss him already.
Truly he wouldn’t change the way things are for the world, yet he can’t help but crave more. Without any pressure, only longing. Yearning. He’s happy, yet he somehow feels like he should do something. He should do more, prove himself. But he’s been known to ruin things just because he gets too wound up in his head. He’s matured enough to realize that’s what this is, his fear threatening to make him run away from the possibility of getting hurt.
Joshua’s not like that. Jeonghan knows that very well - they know each other too well. It’s as reassuring as it is scary. Maybe because that’s what makes their relationship so precious, how familiar they’re with each other. If Joshua, the person who knows him the best, rejects him, isn’t that a sign that he’s simply unloveable?
“Are you not coming in?” Joshua’s voice breaks him out of his reverie. His boyfriend is frowning slightly, his fingers curled just a little too tightly around the edge of the door.
He’s already inside and somehow it feels like a chasm has opened between them. One that Jeonghan could easily cross but it feels significant. Is it, though? They’re already dating. They’re already comfortable with each other, more so for all the years of their friendship. There’s no need to be nervous. Yet somehow there’s a disparity between Jeonghan’s feelings and the reality.
So Jeonghan decides to play it cool, coming just a step closer and leaning against the doorframe.
“Are you sure you want to invite me in?” he teases despite his eyes closely observing Joshua’s face, “It’s dangerous to be alone with a man. You should be more careful, Shuji.”
Sighing deeply, Joshua rolls his eyes. Jeonghan hasn’t noticed the tension in his shoulders before, but now that the other relaxed, he sees the difference. Could Joshua be nervous like he is?
“What are you talking about? You’ve been over so many times already,” Joshua scoffs incredulously.
“But not since we started dating,” he lets his voice drop lower, leans closer to Joshua despite there already being but a few inches between them.
Of course it doesn’t have any effect. They’ve been friends for too long for Jeonghan’s playfulness to have the effect he desires on Joshua - unless he’s really trying. Which he supposes is part of why he became so obsessed with him, and why he eventually started to pursue him and fell for him in the process.
“Are you crazy?” Joshua half whines, half groans. Jeonghan chuckles. “Why are you making a big deal out of this?”
“I’m trying to be romantic,” he fakes innocence and lays his hand on Joshua’s waist to stop his fingers from trembling, “You’re taking me back home as a boyfriend for the first time. Don’t you want it to feel special?”
He doesn’t get a response, every draft of it dying on Joshua’s tongue. Each brief parting of his lips just brings Jeonghan’s attention straight to them. He suppresses a smile. At least for long enough to lean in and press a soft peck to Joshua’s cheek as he steps in and closes the door behind him. It’s like shutting the world out and letting it fade away.
The silence stretches, only the steady ticking of the clock in the living room and their quiet breaths to be heard. Joshua watches him with a look he can’t decipher and that unnerves him. The moment feels too long in their little bubble. Secluded from the world like nothing but this apartment exists, the silence and the unfamiliar look in Joshua’s eyes feels like a rejection. At the same time, Jeonghan realizes he’s just nervous. And for no good reason at that.
Joshua moves before he speaks, backing Jeonghan against the door. His arms wrap around his waist, Jeonghan follows his lead and embraces him as well. Their foreheads touch, carefully at first, before they lean into the contact.
It’s warm. Joshua’s so warm, Jeonghan remembers. He thinks back to when he’d force his hand into the pocket of Joshua’s coat, mostly to annoy the younger but partly to take advantage of how warm his hands always are even in the middle of winter. Or how he’d feel the heat of Joshua’s body against his when they were forced to press against each other during the rush hour’s commute.
It feels strange to be so intimately familiar with him, yet to rediscover every little detail in a new context.
Joshua breathes in shakily, his nose bumps against Jeonghan’s. Their eyes meet, two deers being the headlights to each other.
“Special enough?” Joshua whispers. His voice gets very quiet very quickly, as if he only then realized how close their lips are.
“You look nervous,” Jeonghan smirks, as if his breath isn’t as shaky as Joshua’s. His skin feels on fire.
“You hesitated before coming in,” Joshua points out, softer than Jeonghan expected.
“Hey,” he frowns, nudging his nose against Joshua’s. Their lips brush, they only jerk apart an inch. Not yet. “I’m here. I want to be here.”
“Then why?” Joshua frowns back at him.
“I’m the one who got nervous,” Jeonghan chuckles, folding easily under Joshua’s concerned gaze, “I’m- Won’t it be awkward?”
Joshua hums in the way he always does when Jeonghan does or says something he’s not happy about.
“You’re making it awkward,” he accuses, then licks his lips and adds, again lowering his voice into something gentler and sweeter: “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
Jeonghan thinks for a while about how they’re too old to be doing all this. Maybe they just lack experience - definitely not because they danced around each other for so long without acknowledging their real feelings, yet were prevented by them to really pursue anything real and longlasting with other people.
He thought dating Joshua would be easier. It should be, right? They’ve known each other forever. They don’t have to go through all the what’s your favorite color and what do you do for fun, but somehow it feels more difficult than if they were building something entirely new.
“That’s not it,” he admits.
Joshua’s apartment is familiar. It feels almost like his own home. Yet it’s also the place that was always reserved for sitting on the other ends of the couch, for their knees and hands only brushing on accident. They’re still best friends, Jeonghan doesn’t think anything could change that. And now they’re something else too. Something he’s been yearning for and he can’t even tell for how long.
“It’s strange that I don’t have to hold back now,” he finally confesses. Too scared to watch Joshua’s reaction but too frozen to move, he gets to see Joshua’s lips curl up and the blur of his smile as he shakes his head. He feels the younger’s hair tickling his skin.
“Right?” he laughs softly, pulling Jeonghan just a little closer. He really is so so warm. Or the winter air chilled Jeonghan more than he noticed. “But I think I like it more this way.”
Jeonghan hums in agreement. “Just don’t want you to think I’m ashamed of you.”
“In my own house?” Joshua pinches his side but doesn’t let the older man escape, “You’re the one who always gets drunk and embarrasses himself here.”
“Because you’d never drink with me,” Jeonghan whines in his defense - then pauses, his eyes glistening with mischief. Joshua doesn’t stop him. “Were you worried you’d kiss me if I got you drunk?”
Joshua rolls his eyes, mostly because of how predictable Jeonghan is. He doesn’t have to bite every bait Jeonghan throws out, though. So he pushes himself off the door - or tries to. He ends up getting pulled right back.
“You’re running away,” Jeonghan pouts. Joshua tilts his head to the side. “You had the perfect chance to kiss me.”
“Kiss you when you want it?” Joshua pretends to think about it, “That’s a no.”
This time he leaves successfully. Kicking off his shoes by the door, Jeonghan follows right after him. Joshua can feel his eyes on him while he pours some water to boil and busies himself pulling out mugs and picking what tea to drink.
“Stop sulking,” he chuckles after a while, “You wanted to make coming over special. I don’t want our first kiss to be disappointing to you just because you expected it.”
Jeonghan wraps himself around him from behind, sighing against his neck. Joshua barely manages to suppress the shiver that wants to run down his spine.
“What are you doing?” he asks, suspicious.
“My boyfriend is so mean to me,” Jeonghan complains in a whisper. His hands slip into the pocket of Joshua’s hoodie. Joshua leans back, trying to soothe his partner with his touch.
“I’m trying to honor your wish, that’s all,” he shrugs. Jeonghan huffs. “First you’re too nervous to come in and now you want to make out at the front door?”
“I wouldn’t say no-”
Yet when Joshua does abruptly turn around to cup his face and he can’t flee, his hand stuck inside the warm fabric of Joshua’s clothes, his whole demeanor talks for him. His hand that got dislodged with Joshua’s sudden movement hangs uselessly at his side.
Joshua’s ears grow red just the same as his.
“See,” he murmurs. The water bubbles aggressively in the background. “Don’t joke like that. You’re just confusing both of us.”
“I’m sorry, Shua,” Jeonghan gives him an apologetic smile, “But I might continue if you always get like this.”
Joshua scoffs and turns back towards the kettle, pouring the water into the mugs.
“I’m always affectionate with you,” he mumbles as if to himself.
“Uh-huh.” The doubt in his voice is very obvious.
“Am I not?” Joshua asks without turning around, keeping busy by fidgeting with the tag hanging from the mug.
“You are,” Jeonghan nuzzles into his shoulder. Joshua smiles despite himself. “But it feels different when you snap like that.”
Deep inhale, deep exhale. Jeonghan laughs.
“You knew what you’re getting into,” he whispers. He should probably take his mug from Joshua, but not while he’s holding his breath waiting for an answer. Did he make it sound too accusing? Too insecure? Too honest? It’s one thing to be friends with someone like him, another entirely to date him with the prospect of potentially spending the rest of their lives like this.
“I did,” Joshua’s voice betrays his smile and Jeonghan can finally breathe easy. “And I’m glad we got together. Even if it took so long.”
He sounds happy. Jeonghan would know if he was faking it. So he squeezes him tighter, eliciting a satisfied noise from his boyfriend.
“Me too,” Jeonghan murmurs. His lips press a fleeting kiss to the back of Joshua’s neck.
He finally lets go, takes the warm mug from the counter and leads the way to the living room. Joshua turns on the tv and throws Jeonghan a blanket. A familiar sequence of events whenever Jeonghan would come over. They settle into peaceful silence, although both of them know it won’t be long before the teasing and bickering resumes.
Jeonghan stretches his legs, wiggling in the warmth of the blanket that feels almost enough. Almost. He knows what’s missing but bringing it up feels awkward. Can he just move? Or should he ask first? Instead he fidgets with his fingers and laughs quietly at himself. What is he even doing, overthinking like a silly teenager because he’s used to being just friends.
What good is worrying, however, when there’s someone who might as well be able to read your mind?
Joshua coziest up to him, their sides pressed together and his arm around Jeonghan’s shoulder, rubbing his arm. It feels familiar and new. Separately, he supposes there’s been many instances of each act, but put together they make his heart rush embarrassingly.
Even so, it feels so nice - and Joshua seems to glow with how content he is - that he stays silent. And doing so, he feels himself relaxing into Joshua and his head slowly falls to his shoulder.
Without worrying whether he’s lingering too long. Without worrying about anyone seeing and potentially pointing it out. Without wondering whether Joshua is merely tolerating it. And without making a fuss when Joshua pulls on the blanket to cover himself as well.
Maybe a little. A playful glare that disappears the moment Joshua leans closer to him again and Jeonghan’s eyes fall to his lips. And then they close.
It’s like coming home, or sitting by the fireplace and feeling your fingers slowly come back to life. A comforting embrace that feels like the culmination of their nearly lifelong push and pull.
Joshua’s lips are soft against his, gentle. Jeonghan hopes he doesn’t come across as too eager, despite his whole being trembling inside. It’s unbelievable how well they fit together, better than he could ever dream of. Even such a simple touch can make his fingers close tighter around the fabric of Joshua’s hoodie. A short tug is all it takes for Joshua to take the hint.
His hand cups Jeonghan’s face, pulling them closer even as the kiss remains slow, tentative to rush things. They’ve waited for this moment for years, although a lot of their yearning they did not fully realize or accept. Nonetheless, it would be a waste not to savour the moment because of impatience and desire.
“Don’t,” Jeonghan begs against Joshua’s lips, breathless but desperate to chase after him. He almost topples the younger over trying to get closer to him again, cherishing his laughter against his own lips.
“Greedy,” Joshua teases. Yet he relents, leaving a quick kiss on Jeonghan’s lips.
“You made me wait,” Jeonghan grumbles and pulls him in for another.
Joshua doesn’t disagree, merely pecks his cheek and pulls back for air. Oxygen feels like an excuse, really he needs to put space between them before he can lose himself. Jeonghan watches him with as much need as he’s sure is written all over his face. Their eyes meet in silent understanding and they exchange a smile. Wordlessly, Jeonghan slips under Joshua’s arm again.
“The wait makes it sweeter,” Joshua comments once they settle back, now with his free hand in Jeonghan’s, their fingers locked.
Jeonghan nods against his shoulder and Joshua can’t resist leaning closer to him and squeezing his hand. He gets deja vu that makes him feel warm and mushy inside.
Maybe they’ve had nights like this before. Bad nights where one of them needed comfort and understanding. Just the two of them, the hushed sound of their voices, and a short respite from the everpresent tension. Caring for each other has always come before figuring out why it hurts to see the other hurt.
Joshua squeezes Jeonghan’s hand again, answering his questioning noise with a kiss to the top of his head.
What a blessing it is that their wait is over.