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“Anythin’ to drink?”
“Nah… actually, wait, toss me a capri-sun if you have some. But not from the fridge.” Jude asked, sprawled out on the couch while texting and not looking up at Trent, who was standing beside him, tugging on the sleeves of his sweater nervously.
“You’re a big baby, y’know that?” He tried lifting his own spirits acting all funny with Jude, who clearly wasn’t aware of the vibes. “Only reason I even keep this shit at my house is you. And your weird taste.” He forced a smile as he threw it to him after returning from the kitchen.
Jude caught it with a chuckle. “Thanks, mate.”
He was blissfully unaware of why Trent called him over today. Was in such a great mood he didn’t even whine about having to come to Trent’s when he was the injured one.
Trent felt as if this was not only earned, but also the only way this conversation could be held. He’s been called over to Jude’s place plenty of times in the previous months when he was injured, on one hand. And on the other… Denise didn’t need to be present for this. She was the one who drove Jude here and dropped him off, but now she was long gone, back home, and it was just the two boys. Trent already told her he’d drive Jude home later.
The scouser picked up a bean bag and dropped it in front of the couch Jude occupied. Sat down facing the younger man. He sat and watched as Jude scrolled on his phone still. The veins in his hand moving with each motion of his thumb. His chest expanding and contracting with each breath. He remembers all the times he listened to his heartbeat as he laid his head on top of it. The memories making his heart beat faster and almost trapping him in a false sense of security.
His face, totally unbothered and only slightly fixated on his phone, looked just the same as it ever did, of course. And that meant it gave Trent the same feelings it had been giving for a long while now. His big lips slightly parted, his chin and jawline growing a tiny stubble, not as cared for since the injury, but so inviting all the same.
Trent looked down and began playing with the drawstring of his shorts. He was questioning his ability to have a serious conversation.
“Where’s everybody by the way?” Jude asked, setting his phone aside.
“Sent them on a three-day trip to Bali yesterday.“ Trent responded, scratching the side of his face, staring at the floor. Another reason why it was easier to do this here, he could ship his family away for a couple days. One to get ready, one for this conversation, and one for any possible aftermath. Hopefully he won’t even need it.
“Fancy. What’s the occasion?” Jude laughed at how short-spoken Trent was, seemed very out of character of course. Still couldn’t really put a finger on it.
“This.” Trent ended up answering matter of factly. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Jude furrowed his brows and sat up, facing Trent with a bit more care now. Truth is they never really had an actually serious and mature conversation about… anything. They didn’t need to. They understood each other too well to have to have an intervention or anything of the sorts. They could just chill and still be totally up to date with each other.
“Did something happen?” Jude asked in a low voice. Trent would’ve loved to see inside Jude’s brain right now, what he could be thinking, what could’ve happened that warrants a one on one discussion like this. He has a feeling the brummie might think they were seen, got outed, something of the sort.
“No… nothing happened, really…” Trent bit the insides of his mouth. He finally looked up at Jude again and started visibly thinking. Bit down on his bottom lip before he spoke. “I guess I’m just… a little confused?”
Jude shook his head. “What… do you mean?”
Trent looked away, he could feel his face turning red, heat rising in his entire body.
“Uh… this is embarrassing, y’know. And I could never be made to act this fuckin’ embarrassing in front of anybody else. But I guess I just need to know." He was rambling. "Did I do something wrong?” Trent bit down on his lip repeatedly, his right leg bouncing restlessly.
Jude looked absolutely dumbfounded. Scared, even. “What?”
Trent stood abruptly, sighed with his hands on top of his head, as he started to walk up and down.
“Genuinely. Is there something wrong with me? Is that why you don’t want me anymore?”
“Wha- are you joking? I do want you!” Jude exclaimed.
Trent grimaced at that, he didn’t quite believe it. Or even worse actually, he did believe that Jude thought that to be true. But it wasn’t, not in the way he wanted anyway.
He leaned against a wall, further from where Jude was sitting on the couch. Bit the inside of his cheek as he vacillated between ways to go ahead in this conversation.
“How long have you and Franco been…” he nodded and rolled his eyes in a way to showcase what the rest of the question would entail without words.
Jude just squinted at him, making him sigh.
“How long have you been fucking him?”
The brummie didn’t exactly seem too shocked or pushed out of balance by this question. He thought about it. “A while, I guess. Why?”
“What do you mean why?!” Trent felt his pulse quicken.
“Are you being serious or is this a prank? You can’t tell me you’re jealous or some shit.” Jude threw his hands up in defense when he saw Trent get angry.
“Oh? And why can’t I?” Trent raised a curious eyebrow.
“We never-“ Jude felt the need to stand up in his annoyed confusion. “We never said this is exclusive or whatever. We both have fucking girlfriends, what are you even talking about?”
“Girlfriends who we picked up to… throw the fucking media off our scent!” Trent waved the argument away aggressively. “They’re just for the optics and they know that too. That’s different.”
“I don’t know, I like hanging with Ashlyn.” Jude defended.
“Must not like it enough to stop fucking guys on the side though.” Trent spew.
“And she’s fine with that because we’re not exclusive! Just like you and I aren’t either. I thought we both knew that.” The words came out of Jude fast, incredulous look on his face, wrinkles appearing on his forehead from just how upset this was making him.
“Well…” Trent started with a shout, but then lowered his voice. “I don’t know Jude, I thought... when I left my life behind to be with you, that you’d understand how I feel for you.”
All the color left Jude’s face. He was mad. And hurt in a way. “Don’t blame everything on me, it’s not like I was the only reason you came here!” He retorted instead of focusing on the heavy part.
“You weren’t, but— you know what, Jude, you’re a fucking cunt. Get the fuck out of here and call mommy to pick you up.” Trent blurted out viciously, and left the room, targetting the kitchen. He wanted to be away from Jude first and foremost, so anywhere would’ve sufficed, but he felt like taking an icepack out and putting it on his face, as he felt his body heating up.
He could feel his eyes tearing up, mostly from anger, but he didn’t let himself cry.
Jude followed him, quick, pained steps behind Trent in his freakishly long hallway.
“Hey! Hey!! Don’t fuckin’ run away from me T!”
“WHY? What else do you have to say, huh?” Trent stopped and turned back, shouting. They were about ten feet apart, a light above them dramatically starting to flicker as soon as they stopped and stared at each other.
Trent saw it in Jude’s face. Hurt. By this revelation. The fact that he had no clue. That he caused such heartache for someone so special to him. And more selfish reasons. Like how he’s telling himself this is not his fault. He couldn’t have known so it’s not his fault some uppity scouser fell in love with him, packed his life up in a suitcase and went ‘scorched Earth’ on his past, to spend the most important years of his career with him.
It’s true that Jude was obviously not the one and only reason Trent was standing here right now. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t play the biggest part in it, in ways he didn’t even know.
“I- … Uh- I don’t-“
“I- E- Uh- Spit it out or shut the fuck up!” Trent shook his head and mimicked Jude’s stutter.
“You could’ve told me sooner… how you felt…” Jude tried.
Trent sighed as he massaged his temple. “…I thought… God this is pathetic… I thought you knew. We never talked about fucking emotions, Jude. We always knew what the other felt. That’s why it worked so well between us…” Trent looked away and bit his lip. “…I guess I didn’t realize we don’t understand each other anymore.”
Trent walked to the kitchen and sat on a stool next to his built in bar.
Jude sat next to him. They stayed in silence for a while, just sitting next to each other. Thinking. Letting the truths that came out… sink in.
“You know… I started thinking it was because he’s younger.” Trent snorted. “Felt like… I don’t know. I kept getting injured and… you maybe started to get annoyed. Like I’m no help at all. And you went for someone who’s new and fresh and more ready. Easier to hang out with.”
“Oh come on…”
“No, but maybe there’s something in it. We used to have such short periods of time to spend together. And we were almost…” he continues as he rolls his eyes at the memories “…inseparable, or whatever. And now we can be together all the time and we never are. Or just… barely. And I think it’s because of what I said… we don’t understand each other as well anymore. And it might have to do with age, i mean who knows…”
“Oh fuck off Trent, what are you trying to say? You’re too mature for me or I got bored of you?”
“No… not exactly. I think you’re growing up or something. You might not enjoy the same things as before.”
“Bullshit.” Jude pouted.
“No I think it’s true. I feel like I did the same thing. I had something good going on at home. Someone who I didn’t just think loved me… I knew. But I chose you. I chose you because I thought there’s no way anyone can understand me better than you… and I was wrong.” Trent said, tears falling. “I’m sorry for yelling. I think I’m just so lonely it drove me crazy realizing that I’m not… loved, by anyone, anymore.
Jude pulled Trent closer and hugged him tightly.
“You are. I love you. Even if it’s not like how you thought I do. You’re important to me. Always. I’m sorry, Trent.”
Trent sobbed into Jude’s shoulder. “What now?”
Jude wiped Trent’s tears off his face and pressed a soft kiss on his cheek.
“Whatever you say.”
Trent took it upon himself to clear things up. “Think we should just… go back to friends then. Atleast for now. I can’t promise I can stay away from your lips for too long… but for a while. Until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Jude’s face scrunched up in pain as he didn’t want to let go. But in the end, he said “Alright. Alright, T.”
They looked into each other’s eyes, forehead against forehead, breathing the same air, no longer together but also never apart.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know.” Jude whispered.
“It’s alright.” Trent whispered back, smiling. Defeated.