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Yoshiki has never liked Valentine's Day. If he were forced to explain why, he'd give some generic answer about how it's just another way companies try to make people feel like they need to spend money. Capitalism at its best, blah, blah. It's not like he doesn't agree with that sentiment, but in truth, it wouldn't much bother him. His main reason to be at odds with this day is the inherent heteronormativity of it—girls giving chocolates to the guys they like—that makes him feel even more alienated than usual.
Yoshiki isn't afraid of receiving chocolates from some random girl. While he doesn't think anyone suspects him being gay, he's pretty sure everyone has realized by now that Yoshiki, while considered handsome and mysterious by many (though he has never been able to wrap his head around why), simply has no interest in dating. He will open his locker door to the regular friendship chocolates from Asako and Yuuki, and he'll be grateful once again that neither of them has ever teased him about not receiving anything from other girls. And then, he'll spend the rest of the day feeling awkward.
There has only ever been one person he would've liked to gift chocolates (though of course he'd never have dared to, even if he was a girl), and that person is now dead.
“Yoshiki? Are you coming? Yoshiki?!”
It's the final insistent utterance of his name that manages to pull Yoshiki from his brooding thoughts. Slightly disoriented, he gazes at his hands which appear to have frozen in the middle of grabbing his backpack from his bike’s rack. Then, his eyes move to that chirpy voice’s owner.
Hikaru is watching him expectantly, head slightly tilted in confusion, but as soon as he registers Yoshiki’s attention returning to him, a bright grin lights up his face. He's always so radiant. Maybe even more so than the old Hikaru was. It's like the name— “Light”—was chosen for him, specifically.
“There you are! Let's goooo, I'm excited!!”
Without even waiting for a reply, Hikaru tucks at Yoshiki’s sleeve, then turns on his heels and sets into motion towards the school building.
Of course he is excited. The old Hikaru used to receive plenty of gifts from the girls, and there’s no doubt it is these memories inherited from his body's previous owner that make this Hikaru eager to go see what his locker has in store for him.
His anticipation is... cute. (Seriously?) And yet, an already familiar jealousy grabs at Yoshiki's heart with ugly fingers, making it hard to be only happy for him without any second thoughts.
Yeah, okay. Maybe that whole issue is a not so minor part of why he especially dreaded this year's Valentine's Day. It's becoming a serious problem. Yoshiki despises himself for even considering something like this, but... perhaps, his dead friend Hikaru was not the only one he would ever have liked to gift chocolates. Just months ago, he confidently confided in Asako that he used to be in love with his childhood friend, but didn't feel any romantic attraction towards this Hikaru. It was only a few days after that conversation that this started to change.
Not out of the blue, though, Yoshiki thinks as he takes in Hikaru leading the way, a skip in his step like this is the best day of his life. With a big wave, Hikaru is greeting a classmate of theirs approaching the school's entrance from the opposite direction. The classmate waves back, wearing a smile. Not too long ago, Hikaru didn't even bother to remember his name. The only people he even talked to at all—aside from Yoshiki, of course—had been Asako, Yuuki, and Maki. But he's changed. Hikaru is making friends independently of Yoshiki these days, people he proudly tells him about as they're reading Master+Master together in Yoshiki's room. If he wasn't still so obviously attached to Yoshiki, Yoshiki might fear he'd abandon him for better friends sooner or later.
Either way, it's a fact that Hikaru has been behaving more like a human with every passing day. What's more, it seems to come to him naturally now. Maybe all it took for him to become indistinguishable from an actual human had been time. And as much as Yoshiki had meant it when he told him he didn't have to try to be someone he isn't, he can't deny that over the last few months, Hikaru has grown into a person Yoshiki feels drawn to. Immensely so. Like a moth to a flame, which is ridiculous to imagine considering the many times Hikaru has told him about how he sees Yoshiki's soul like a bright bonfire attracting him. Clearly, between the two of them, it's Hikaru who is the sunshine person. Yoshiki doesn't think he deserves his affection, now that he has gotten to know his true, selfless nature more. And yet he craves it so much lately it's almost driving him insane.
Hikaru, naturally, has no idea about the storm of conflicting feelings raging in Yoshiki's head, as he runs the last few meters still separating him from his shoe locker. He doesn't wait for Yoshiki to catch up, and instantly gets on his heels to haul open his locker’s door. A couple gift bags fall right into his arms, but they blur together into a mass of pink, shiny, glittery, cute in Yoshiki's head. He hates ever single one of them, but mostly he hates himself for being so awfully jealous. Hikaru should have gotten one from him, too.
As expected, Hikaru is delighted, laughing and giggling so happily it makes Yoshiki's heart melt.
Hikaru’s focus quickly shifts from the flood of colorful bags back to Yoshiki, though.
“Look how much I got, Yoshiki!” he crows, proudly showing off his loot like some kind of treasure. “Seems like the girls totally dig me! I really am just that cool, huh?”
He so obviously wants to be praised. It's way too adorable for Yoshiki to keep his composure. Feeling his cheeks heat up, Yoshiki knows he needs to do something to not embarrass himself. So he does what he does best in situations like this, and buries his hand in Hikaru's hair to ruffle it, his small smile widening as soon as the completely expected sounds of playful complaint start. If only everything was as easy as this.
Yoshiki wouldn't even bother looking for his gifts if he didn't have to open his locker to get to his school shoes. Well, whatever. He’ll just get it over with.
As expected, there's two bags of candy in there. Asako always uses a blue bow, Yuuki a baby pink bag. It makes it easy to immediately recognize them. Despite knowing he didn't have much to fear, Yoshiki is relieved there isn't anything else.
Or so he thinks until he tries to put on his left shoe but is met with a crackling kind of resistance.
“What the...?”
He takes the shoe off again and pulls out a simple plastic bag with clearly homemade chocolates in it. They don't look appealing at all—mottled and misshapen—but it’s obvious the gifter put in an effort. It is when he realizes what kind of molds were used that he knows who he got this from. Insects. Yoshiki has never seen this kind of chocolate mold in a store.
He is unsurprised Hikaru is still squatting next to him, watching the realization dawn on him with great enjoyment.
“Happy Valentine's Day, Yoshiki!” Even more so than earlier, Hikaru is positively glowing, cheeks tinted pink and eyes sparkling and grin so wide and bright it could blind a person. He looks so full of joy. (He looks like he's in love, but Yoshiki forbids himself to entertain that thought any further.)
For a moment, Yoshiki is too stunned to speak. A memory of yesterday flits through his mind, of being disappointed when Hikaru announced he had to leave early today because he had plans with another friend. It had made Yoshiki feel terrible, the possibility of eventually losing him suddenly feeling all too real. Now, he knows what that was about. And yet, all that Yoshiki manages to say is
“Hikaru, Valentine's Day is only for the girls.”
It comes out more irritated than intended, and he immediately feels like an asshole for even saying it. But if Hikaru wants to “make it” as a human he'd better learn this sooner rather than later.
Despite the scolding, Hikaru's mood stays bright.
“Why would I care? ‘s not like I'm truly a guy anyway. I can be what I want to be—you told me I could, remember?”
He supposes he did. For some reason, he hadn't considered that could ever entail something like this, though. And Hikaru said it. He isn't even a real guy, what business does Yoshiki have to feel so mushy about him?
“Yeah, but—”
That's as far as he gets. His sentence is cut off by a high pitched scream in a familiar voice, announcing Maki’s presence before he has even rounded the corner into their row of lockers.
Then there he is, with a scarlet red face and a similarly colored, heart shaped box of candies in his hands.
“You alright, Maki?” Hikaru asks before Yoshiki has even half recovered from the sudden assault.
Maki is pointing at the box he is carrying, his finger visibly shaking. Yoshiki isn't quite sure whether he's euphoric or horrified.
“Yu-yu-yu-yuuuuuki,” he stammers, looking back and forth between his two friends crouched on the floor and the gift in his hands. “Yuuki gave! Whole! Box! Does that mean!!!”
Again, Hikaru is already reacting, jumping to his feet and excitedly saying something like “congratulations” to him, when Yoshiki is still busy processing what just happened. It's not a secret (to their friend group, anyway) that Maki and Yuuki have a thing for each other, but apparently Maki still hasn't fully realized his feelings are reciprocated. Knowing Yuuki, she’s probably finally had enough of the dancing around each other, and decided to make her intentions clear. The thought makes Yoshiki smile, though there's also the part of him that feels a little bad for Asako in all of this. He can’t know for sure since she's never said anything, but he's pretty sure she has always had feelings for Yuuki as well. Of course, she’s also always been her biggest supporter in persuing the guy she likes, and Yoshiki knows for a fact she’d always rather sacrifice her own happiness if it meant the comfort of those she cares about. Maybe one day they'll be able to talk about it more. Yoshiki would like to find the courage to tell her how amazing she is, and how much he knows he owes her.
After Maki’s reveal, the rest of the school day goes by with shy glances being exchanged between him and Yuuki, closely scrutinized by the rest of them. Yoshiki's mind never strays far from Hikaru's gift, though. The hours at school are killing him; he needs to understand his reasoning now. At the same time, he's terrified of finding out.
***
Their bike ride home is uncharacteristically silent. Hikaru doesn't say a thing until Yoshiki speaks up.
“I'm happy for Maki, seems like he really didn't suspect anything...”
“Yeah but.” Hikaru immediately turns on his seat to briefly grin back at Yoshiki, as if he had only waited for him to start talking. “I don't know how he could be this dense, it's sooo obvious how much Yuuki likes him!”
Quite the statement by someone that always claimed not to understand human emotions.
“Did’ya see what was written on the box?” Hikaru continues. Yoshiki shakes his head, wondering when Hikaru had become this perceptive, and he isn't surprised Hikaru somehow senses that too, without looking back at him again. “It was ‘Sweetheart’. I had to look the word up, and apparently it means something like ‘darling’... It's so cute, isn't it? Maki's the only one good at English in our group, so surely she was confident he would understand the word without looking it up... Plus, the box was heart-shaped. And filled with sweets. A sweet-heart!”
Yoshiki sincerely doubts Yuuki even considered all of that—she’s always been more of a pragmatic type—, but he is almost shocked to watch Hikaru make these connections so effortlessly. Talking like some kind of romantic, the opposite of what he used to be. If the next thing coming out of his mouth was a cheesy love poem, Yoshiki wouldn't even be too surprised. And, in truth, as long as it was directed at him, he also wouldn't be too opposed...
After that thought, Yoshiki decides to revise the new English vocabulary in his mind to keep it from wandering to places it shouldn't go. It really isn't his fault that every second word coming up seems to be “sweetheart”.
***
It isn't until they've spent more than an hour reading manga and playing video games in Yoshiki's room that Yoshiki finds it in himself to address the topic that's been eating away at him the whole day. He puts his Switch aside, sits up on his bed and turns towards Hikaru, who is sprawled out on the rug with volume 16 of Master+Master in hand. He must have read through the whole series at least thrice by now.
“So, why did you give that candy to me?”
Wow, nice. He could hardly have made that any smoother.
It takes a moment for Hikaru to show any kind of reaction. Eventually, he puts down the manga almost in slow motion, sits up himself and looks up at him in confusion, as if he genuinely doesn't understand what the issue might be. As if he genuinely doesn’t think they even need to talk about this.
“Huh? Because I love you, of course!”
He doesn't mean it like that, he doesn't mean it like that, he doesn't mean it like that, Yoshiki's inner voice chants tirelessly, trying its best to remind him that this “boy” is not a human at all. It's not helping much.
“Yeah but... The way this is intended...” He should know, right? He immediately understood the implications of Yuuki’s gift to Maki! “I... I just... You don't love me that way!”
It isn't fair, playing with someone's feelings like that, he doesn't say.
“Asako and Yuuki gave you something too, though!” Hikaru counters, now almost pouting. “So why am I not allowed?”
“That's...” That's different, because they both know he isn't romantically interested in them, and it's normal for girls to give something to their close friends, too—which is why Hikaru got chocolates from them as well, and Yuuki put in effort to make it clear that Maki's was special—, and they've been doing it since all of them were in elementary school. But Yoshiki sincerely doubts this justification would impress him. And now that he thinks about it, maybe it really is more of a Yoshiki problem than a Hikaru problem. It's not Hikaru's fault he so pathetically fell for him after telling him to his face he didn't feel any attraction towards him, like the clown that he is.
“Besides...” Hikaru continues his thought when Yoshiki doesn't say anything more. “I do think I love you in every way possible, Yoshiki.”
For a few seconds, the words hang heavy in the air between them, like rain in a massive cloud before it all pours down.
“But you said...” Yoshiki's heart is starting too beat harder, in both disbelief and annoying hope. “You said you don't understand romantic love!”
Hikaru nods thoughtfully, then gets up from the floor and sits down on the bed next to Yoshiki. The fake warmth radiating off of him makes it far too easy to pretend he's a real human made of flesh and blood. He only started this additional effort after he noticed Yoshiki occasionally shy back from being touched by his cold fingers.
“That was last summer, though. I've learned a lot since then! About humans. And myself. Or maybe I've just... changed? Evolved?” He smiles at him, way less cheeky than usual. Just soft and affectionate. His cheeks are tinted pink. Suddenly, Yoshiki is reminded of how Hikaru used to ask him about how to pass as a human. It hasn't happened in months. Not because he stopped caring, on the contrary. He simply started figuring things out himself. “I know you don't feel this way about me, but lately, I've been thinking about...”
You don't know anything, Yoshiki wants to scream.
To his horror and, in equal measure, delight, Hikaru averts his gaze, almost coyly. He doesn't continue on his own. It's clear he's waiting for some kind of encouragement. Doesn't want to spring whatever he's planning to say on Yoshiki, probably. So considerate.
“About what?” Yoshiki rasps. Hikaru looks back at him, blush intensifying. Is that something he needs to consciously control as well? It has to be, right? Yoshiki shoves the thought aside, unwilling to let anything interrupt what is happening right now.
“Uhm... well, about how I'd like to kiss you, I guess.”
Yoshiki stares at his pretty face, taking in the still reddening cheeks and ears and the insecurity in his eyes that's impossible to miss. The bead of sweat running down his temple, the strand of hair sticking to his skin. If admiring the old Hikaru's features had made Yoshiki's heart beat faster, that hardly compared to how he feels right now. Every fiber of his being seems to be coming to life—a rather big deal for someone that's used to feeling pretty much dead inside. After just a moment, he is the one that has to avert his eyes.
“Maybe... Maybe I wouldn't mind all that much, actually,” he mumbles.
“You wouldn't?”
“I wouldn't.”
After a charged silence and Yoshiki refusing to look up, Hikaru gives him a peck on the cheek. It feels sweet, and innocent, and exciting all the same. But Yoshiki is shocked to find that he's disappointed. He wants more than that.
For a moment, one could have heard a needle drop with how silent both of them are.
“I want you to be my sweetheart,” Hikaru continues then, in a small, barely audible voice filled with all kinds of emotions he shouldn’t be capable of feeling. Like he wants to give himself an easy way out if Yoshiki reacts badly.
How could he ever?
“I, um .” He licks his lips nervously, innerly scolds himself a couple more times how much of an idiot he is for falling in love with a monster, and then musters up the courage to look at Hikaru again with a smile. “I think I might want that, too.”
Hikaru doesn't question it. Maybe he has secretly known for longer than Yoshiki has known himself, or he simply doesn't want to doubt it, or he doesn't care as long as Yoshiki goes along with what he wants—whatever it is, it's enough to make him shift closer, almost closing the distance between their faces with crystal clear intentions.
And he does everything right by human standards, as far as Yoshiki can tell. Their eyes meet, then Hikaru drops his gaze to Yoshiki's lips. As if hypnotized, Yoshiki follows his lead. Just taking in those rosy, full, albeit slightly cracked lips makes his stomach do somersaults in anticipation. Hikaru moves closer as naturally as if he had done this a hundred times before, and then their lips are brushing. It's dry, and awkward, and the best feeling in the world. Their lips seem to be buzzing with a low current at their point of connection, and Yoshiki briefly wonders whether that's a monster thing or a human thing. Or maybe both.
Hikaru pulls back after just a second or two, and makes eye contact again, the silent question in his eyes abundantly clear: is this okay? Yoshiki hurriedly nods, as he feels a stupid smile contorting his face. He can't quite believe this is real, and part of him is scared shitless, but for once he is at peace with embracing the uncomfortable feelings if they mean he gets to have whatever heaven this is.
And so, Hikaru kisses him again. This time, he gently cups his face with his hands, and the additional touch is so good Yoshiki doesn't hesitate to lean into it like a cat starved for pets.
They kiss sweetly for a couple seconds that feel like eternity, and Yoshiki is already starting to lose his sense of time and space when suddenly, Hikaru shoves his tongue into his mouth with what can only be describes as brute force. Yoshiki wants to feel disgusted, enraged, scandalized, he really does. Unfortunately for his dignity, though, his body’s only reaction is a divine rush of adrenaline and a not insignificant portion of his blood rushing south.
When they break apart this time, there's saliva on Yoshiki's lips and chin. It takes all of his willpower not to lick it up.
“You're a freak,” he notes drily. My freak, he thinks.
“Yeah, so?” Hikaru doend’t even try to pretend he wasn't aware this was inappropriate. “I know you like it. Sweetheart.”
Yoshiki hates how right he is. He can't really do anything but kiss him again.