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It was difficult to acclimate to life after the scenarios. They no longer needed to fight to survive, where the constellations watched them starve and lose their life for entertainment. Monsters no longer ravaged their cities and homes where they’d need to find shelter elsewhere. Seoul has been rebuilt over the time, but it was not exactly the same as it used to be. In substitute of concrete, there was more greenery now, and instead of blue screens there would be occasional advertisement screens scattered across the city. It still had remnants of proof that the scenarios did indeed happen and was recorded into their history books.
It’s quiet now.
Instead, the sounds you’d often hear now once again were bustling city streets, groups of teenagers loitering nearby on the streets or people going about their day.
It wasn’t easy for someone like Joonghyuk to adjust to this life. For many years, his life was nothing, but full of chaos, death and rage. Multiple times he watched those who were dear to him die right in front of his eyes, bleeding to death as they breathed their last breath. Something he dreamt of almost every night, nightmares haunting him without a stop.
One person in particular haunted him in his sleep.
A person he often visited that lay unmoving with no signs of waking inside that bleak and cold hospital room.
By now, most hospital staff knew him well and made no move to kick him out once visiting hours were over. There had been attempts in the past, but most gave up, seeing that it was pointless.
Most of his days were spent here, sitting by Dokja’s side, dull and silent. Joonghyuk didn’t spend much time at home, preferring to be here instead and taking care of his comatose companion.
After the scenarios, he made no move to do much else. He didn’t go back to what he used to love, spending hours instead drowning in guilt and regrets, thinking how he could’ve done and acted differently, how he could’ve made different choices. Sometimes, even though he tried to ignore it, his heart ached. Ached at the sight of his companion and his condition. Due to his comatose state, he almost looked like a corpse instead. Dokja’s skin looked paler and paler, his body thinner from lack of movement and proper food. Day and night he’d spent staring at his face, longing to see those starry eyes open once again, longing to hear his infuriating self annoy him.
The rest of the company would visit whenever they could, but most have moved on with living, finding purpose in something while Joonghyuk remained still, waiting for something to change, as in Dokja waking. Quite often, Sooyoung would call him an idiot, but she too, understood him and why he was in such a position. Joonghyuk didn’t comment on how her eyes appeared red from tears.
In the end, they didn’t fulfill one of his wishes. Where Dokja once back then said that he wished they could all live together in a large home. Most of them scattered across the country. He lived in a small two bedroom apartment near the center of Seoul, but it was essentially empty and sad looking, barely lived in.
Winter, spring, summer and autumn passed. He lost count in how many days he spent in this hospital room. The hospital food was bland, he couldn’t imagine how patients here were given to eat this during their recovery. But he still ate it as he lacked interest or energy to cook. His back and neck ached from how often he slept on that hard sofa near the window.
It was one of those weeks again where he stayed for long.
Currently, he sat on that sofa, hunched over as he ran his fingers through his hair. He had come over yesterday morning and stayed since. Getting up, ignoring how his knees cracked in response, he walked over to where his duffel bag was, where he’d often bring over some essentials like change of clothes and other things.
Joonghyuk quickly changed out of his sweatshirt into a clean turtleneck before zipping the bag shut. Soon, a nurse will come in to check on Dokja, who still remained unmoving even today.
He turned his head to look at the man, whose face was covered by an oxygen mask.
He won’t admit it, but it scared him sometimes how still Dokja’s body would become, where he’d wait for him to finally breathe in again and again.
Sighing, he walked over to where the door was that led to the connected bathroom, deciding what to do first thing in the morning. Opening the door, he stepped in and located where the basin was. Grabbing it, he filled it up at the sink halfway and grabbed a small towel cloth before making his way back to Dokja’s bed side. Placing the basin on a nearby bedside table, he dunked the cloth in and took right back out, wringing it so it is only damp.
Carefully and gently, he cleaned Dokja’s face, then moving to his neck and arms, avoiding the needles that were stuck to his arm.
He has done this often, and because of it, he has replaced the person who was employed and assigned to take care of Dokja.
A few months back, when Sooyoung and Sangah visited at the hospital, unsurprised to see him, discovered that it was him doing most of the job and snickered. Sooyoung called him Dokja’s personal maid in a mocking tone, while Sangah hid her smile behind her hand. He didn’t react to it. A little annoyed, yes, but by this point he didn’t care.
“You know, you should go out more,” Sooyoung once said to him.
“Why should I? I’m fine as is,” he brushed her off.
At the time, the two were left alone in Dokja’s hospital room while Sangah went away for a moment, leaving the two alone.
“You sure aren’t making it sound believable,” Sooyoung looked at him in doubt, not believing a single word he’s saying.
“You can’t keep living like this,” Sooyoung continued.
“You’re the one to talk,” Joonghyuk retorted. He knew how often Sooyoung would coop herself inside her home, doing one thing. Writing. To the point she too, neglected herself where she’d lose sleep.
Sooyoung let out a groan in response, muttering something under her breath.
“Geez, you’re such a lovesick fool,” Sooyoung said, crossing her arms as she leaned against the wall. “It’d be funny to see his face and how he’d react to seeing you acting like this.”
She often called him that.
At first, he didn’t understand why. Until he did.
But it was too late.
His thoughts consumed him as he finished up, carefully carrying away the basin and avoiding whatever wire or equipment there was.
The sun has risen already, and he still hasn’t eaten yet, nor does he feel like eating anyway. The thought of food is too nauseating.
When he returned, he went back to the same chair that stood beside the hospital bed, sitting down on it. Joonghyuk moved his arm, bringing his hand to Dokja’s head, brushing a few strands away from his face.
It was getting longer, that silky black hair slowly covering Dokja’s eyes. It wasn’t cut that long ago, he should get someone to do it, he noted internally.
But just as he moved his hand, caressing his head, he didn’t notice the small movement in Dokja’s fingers, until those eyes slowly moved to open, revealing the starry, but slightly dull eyes.
Joonghyuk froze as his breath hitched, their eyes meeting. It’s as if time stopped completely as the two stared at each other. Was he hallucinating like then? He questioned himself, finding it hard to believe that his companion opened his eyes. The same eyes he longed to see once again. Those starry eyes.
Then, a croaky voice spoke.
“J-Joonghyuk?” Dokja slowly spoke, his voice so faint and shaky from a long time of lack of use.
The man in question stood frozen as his hand hovered over Dokja’s head, staring in silent shock. The long time he waited and waited for this day to come, and it was finally here, but he had no clue how to act or what to say. His eyes stung as he heard Dokja breathe in as deeply as he could, the oxygen mask fogging up. The heart monitor that had multiple wires attached to Dokja became more livelier instead of the occasional sound he was used to by now.
“Dokja,” he managed to finally get a word out, though his very own voice was quiet and soft.
He thought of what to do. Part of him wanted to be selfish and have Dokja to himself for a few minutes, but the other part of him knew that he should get Seolhwa to check on Dokja, who just had awakened merely a minute ago, even if the chances were low.
Gathering himself so he’d look just a little more composed, but just as he pulled away, ready to turn around to leave and get someone, he felt a hand weakly latch onto his sleeve. He could’ve brushed it off, but instead he turned back around to Dokja, who held onto him with every last bit of strength he had left in him, his eyes glossy with tears.
For a moment, it was silent as he watched Dokja try to gather more strength to speak.
“Is.. is this real?” Dokja spoke once more.
He slowly moved his hand to firmly hold Dokja’s. “It is,” he reassured him, not breaking eye contact with the other.
But the moment between the two is broken quickly as the door to the hospital room opens, revealing Seolhwa and a nurse standing by her, ready to do another occasional checkup they do every few days. The two women stood in silent surprise, staring at the man who was supposed to be in a comatose state.
Much to say, Joonghyuk didn’t get much of a chance to spend some time alone with Dokja for a while. For a good few hours, Dokja was looked after by the nurses and doctor’s, running multiple tests and then taken for an MRI. They were incredibly careful with him, as his physical state was fragile and so was his mental state. It was clear that something bothered him, but Dokja never voiced it, barely any energy to speak unless it was a few words.
Once he was returned to his room, with slightly less machines now, they tried to see if he’d be able to perform some simple tasks.
“If you could, grab onto my hands with all the strength you can,” Seolhwa instructed him, holding her hands out for him. Joonghyuk watched as he sat nearby, remaining by Dokja’s side just as before.
Dokja listened to her instructions throughout the whole test, but the further it went, the answer was clear that he was very weak and would need physical therapy due to muscle atrophy. Once they were finished with that, Seolhwa asked him for some assistance, helping Dokja up from bed to see if he could stand on his own.
Joonghyuk gently helped him sit up and held him up by his shoulders as he slowly got up from bed, leaning his whole weight on the ex-regressor.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go well as Dokja almost landed face first onto the ground, which was thankfully prevented by Joonghyuk’s quick reflex. They didn’t continue after that as Seolhwa wrote something down with a focused face.
“For the next 3 months I’ll have you do physical therapy to get you to regain strength,” Seolhwa spoke before shortly glancing at Joonghyuk. “I’ll also have a dietician set up a healthy meal plan for you, which will help in your recovery.”
Dokja didn’t reply, only letting out a hum in response while settling back in the hospital bed, now a nasal cannula replacing the oxygen mask to help him breathe. Joonghyuk thought it was nicer to see his face whole now, no longer bearing the bulky mask.
Now that that was done, Seolhwa checked his vitals one more time then left the two alone.
It was silent now, besides the heart monitor that remained attached to Dokja. It wouldn’t be long until the others arrived once they received the news from Seolhwa and will come barging in. During the quiet moment, he heard slight movements coming from Dokja, making him look back up. Dokja was currently staring out the large window, where outside, the sun began to slowly set. Since it was nearing the end of autumn, the sun began to set earlier. He had this distant look in his eyes, as if he wasn’t here, instead somewhere else.
“For how long was I asleep?” Dokja broke the silence inside the sterile room.
Joonghyuk was silent for a minute, thinking back to the time where he searched for Dokja for a long, long time. He remembers the desperation and the gnawing feeling in his chest.
“A long time,” he answered simply. He lost track quite often, nor can he give a definite time.
Dokja turned his head with the little strength that he had in him to look at Joonghyuk, who sat beside him. His eyes look tired and heavy, as if he was fighting sleep.
Getting up, he brought himself closer to Dokja, placing his hand on top of his. “Sleep for now, you need rest,” he told the other.
Since he’ll need to start physical therapy soon and be slowly introduced to more solid foods, he needed to regain as much strength as he could. While Seolhwa examined him, he made a decision to give a helping hand since he has been doing it for a while anyway. Whatever Dokja needed, he could rely on him.
“What if… what if I’m back there again,” Dokja said in a hushed tone as he glanced down at Joonghyuk’s hand, which was warm against his skin.
“What do you mean by that?” He asked, confused by what he meant. What did he mean “back there”?
“On the train,” Dokja answered. “That eternal train. What if none of this is real.”
Ah, that’s what he meant.
“No, this is all real," he reassured him once again. “You won’t go back there. You’re here with me and others now.”
Dokja looked doubtful for a moment, finding it hard to believe his words all while digesting the fact that he returned back to them. He closed his eyes, deciding that he’ll believe Joonghyuk’s words. Then, he became unconscious as sleep took over him, making him fall into dreamless sleep.
When he woke in the hospital bed, the first thing he saw wasn’t the sterile hospital rooms’ ceiling but it was Joonghyuk instead, who caressed his head with such gentle movements that it seemed so out of character for him to do. At first, he thought he was just dreaming, imagining all of this. He never dreamt of a hospital room before on that train. That is until it hit him of the state he was in and Joonghyuk’s face, who appeared shocked. He thought that the man would get up and leave or scold him in a way. But no, he did none of that, instead he stared at him wide-eyed, sporting a surprised look only then for it to turn into something relieved and soft. It was clear that Yoo Joonghyuk has changed since the scenarios had ended. He was more calm and less stressed out, like he mellowed down. Another thing he took quick notice of, was how Joonghyuk’s appearance had a slight change. His hair was just a tiny bit longer with some parts of it greying, but his face remained the same other than bearing a few scars.
Of course, finding it hard to believe, he asked if it was real. If he was truly finally out of that forsaken train, that kept going forward towards nowhere. But Joonghyuk reassured him, stating that it was real and he was back.
Throughout the entire examination, Joonghyuk acted uncharacteristically. He stayed in the room, waited for him to return and was so strangely gentle with him, as if he’d break easily if he weren’t careful with him. So when the rest of the company’s members were informed of the fact he was finally awake, he was stunned after hearing from them that Yoo Joonghyuk was the one who spent most of the time by his side while he was in a comatose state, taking care of him. He found himself not minding it, instead he was quite touched by the kind act. Not like he could complain about it when he had just woken up, too little strength to do anything other than lay in bed.
That, of course, stayed the same through the entire time of his recovery. During physical therapy, Joonghyuk remained by his side, helping him do whatever exercises he was required to do or when it came to food, which he preferred to cook instead and brought it to Dokja to eat, expressing disapproval of the hospital food. And whenever he couldn’t be with him, the rest of the company would be around. Sooyoung would bring her novels and make him read them, Sangah would join her and keep company, telling him all about what changed while he was in a coma. Hyunsung and Heewon apparently were in a relationship, or more like was, but it was clear that their feelings for each other were still there. The kids have grown too, now nearly done with school, growing into adulthood.
He missed out on a lot, hadn’t he.
“You can make up for the time that was lost,” Joonghyuk had told him when he expressed his feelings, feeling incredibly guilty, especially when it came to the kids. He knew the two looked up to him and held him in high regard. Dokja felt guilt gnaw at him every time he thought of them.
“You’ll be there for them now,” Joonghyuk said, helping him into the wheelchair after he collapsed during physical therapy. He crouched down to meet him at eye level. “Do not beat yourself over it.”
Dokja looked down at him, his form hunched over as his hands shook, somewhat bruised from how hard he tried to get himself to walk, but all ended in him falling and Joonghyuk catching him. Physical therapy always went like that.
“You’ll recover,” Joonghyuk told him. “I know you will.”
His eyes became blurry from tears and his throat closed up as he turned away from Joonghyuk to stare at the floor, trying to prevent the tears from falling. Suddenly, the view in front of him changed as he was brought into an embrace, toned arms around him as his head was propped against the other’s chest. At first, he was stiff, unsure of what to do, until he relaxed into the hug, not making any more to push Joonghyuk away.
They never really talked about their relationship with each other, but it was clear that they cared for one another in ways that weren’t platonic, being life and death companions, something deeper. The small touches and encouraging, comforting words during his time of struggle, where his thoughts would wander elsewhere. He remembers Sooyoung’s comments and Sangah’s knowing smiles, but he chose to ignore them.
At night, Joonghyuk slept on that uncomfortable sofa, not making any move to head home.
“Doesn’t your back hurt from that sofa?” He asked late in the night, finding it difficult to fall asleep as the moon made the room just a little brighter as it shone through the window, since the curtains weren’t drawn.
“It does,” Joonghyuk answered honestly, his brows furrowed as he tried to get as comfortable as possible.
Feeling bad for him, he offered to sleep on his hospital bed as it was somewhat spacious enough for them both. At first, Joonghyuk was reluctant, not wanting to impose or hurt him in some way, but Dokja rolled his eyes and told him to just join him. With the other listening and folding right away, the two began sharing the bed at night, always ending up in each other's embrace, one that was so warm that Dokja leaned into every night without complaint.
Sometimes, Dokja would end up finding himself haunted by nightmares, making him lose sleep and think he was back on the train, and that everything he saw was false reality. Joonghyuk, who was a light sleeper, would wake him out of it and hold him tightly, not letting him go and reassuring him until he was well enough, relaxing into his hold.
“I’m often afraid that all of this isn’t real,” he spoke in the middle of the night after another nightmare, his face against Joonghyuk’s chest as the ex-regressor held him closely, his arms wrapped around his shoulders and waist.
“It’s all real,” Joonghyuk once again reassured him, pressing a small kiss on top of his head. “You’re here, in this hospital room, recovering while in my hold.”
He didn’t say anything as the sound of the heart monitor filled the room along with the sound of their breathing.
“Back on the train, it was so cold and lonely.”
Joonghyuk listened to him, letting him speak.
“I lost track of time there, felt like I’d go insane,” he continued. “I’m not sure how much time passed, thousands or millions of years. It all felt like eternity.”
“It felt like prison.”
Joonghyuk tightened his hold on him, but not enough to hurt him.
With them growing closer each day, he found himself speaking often of what he thought or how he felt. Joonghyuk wouldn’t interrupt him, letting him spill it all. Sometimes, there would be a small kiss placed on his head or hands. It felt so intimate, something he wasn’t used to.
When he was finally discharged from the hospital, his body now regained some strength that he could live outside that sterile hospital. He was a little disappointed though when he heard that his silly dream didn’t come true, where all of them could live in the same large house. Most of the company was spread throughout the country, living their lives. Though Sooyoung, Sangah and the kids lived in the busy city of Seoul, while the rest lived in another city or the countryside, preferring to stay somewhere more quiet and remote.
Everyone moved on.
Dokja wasn’t sure what to do now. After being in a coma for so long, his legs are still not working fully, making him still need some assistance from someone or the wheelchairs. Doesn’t mean physical therapy was over just yet, he still had to come back a few times a week. Good luck to him as finding a job will be impossible in his current situation, making him useless. He wasn’t even sure what he'd do about his living situation. He had no home.
Though, when they got into Joonghyuk’s car, he was a little confused where they were going.
“Where are we going?” He asked, turning away from the car window to look at Joonghyuk, who was focused on the road.
“My apartment,” Joonghyuk answered.
“Your apartment?” He repeated. “Why there?”
“That’s where you’ll live,” Joonghyuk said.
“With you?”
“Where else?”
Well, not like he had anywhere else to go. Meaning, he’d live with Joonghyuk. Now thinking about it, he wasn’t that surprised, neither that bothered about it.
“Do you even have enough space?”
“I do.”
“What about Mia? Doesn’t she live with you? I wouldn’t want to intrude…”
“She’s in private school, something she insisted on.”
“Oh.”
He didn’t say anything else, turning back to look through the car window. Seoul looks different now compared to before. So much had changed. It made him feel like he was behind, like his life came to a stop while everyone was moving on. He didn’t like it.
Once they reached the apartment complex, which was quite a tall modern building with multiple units, the two stepped out of the car and made their way inside. The two took the elevator, standing side by side, Dokja supported by Joonghyuk allowing him to lean on him until they reached the floor where Joonghyuk’s home was. Walking inside into the apartment that the man owns, it was nothing, but a modest and humble home. It was spacious, but not too large, and had personal items like frames on the walls that contained photos of his younger sister Mia and Gilyoung with Yoosung or a few other photos of their friends. But if you looked hard enough, it didn’t look lived in. The corner sofa looked barely used, just like the kitchen, which was a surprise to Dokja. Didn’t Joonghyuk enjoy cooking?
Dokja followed after Joonghyuk, who led him to a room which apparently now belonged to him. There were two other rooms that were Joonghyuk’s and Mia’s, and that was all. His room was simple, just a double bed, wardrobe and a shelf that contained multiple books, provided by his friends.
Joonghyuk placed the bag that contained Dokja’s belongings on top of the bed, before turning to him.
“I’ll go get the rest,” Joonghyuk told him. Right, his wheelchair was still folded in the back of the car.
“Hm, I’ll be in the living room,” he watched Joonghyuk walk out the apartment without another word.
He looked around the room again one more time before leaving it, making way slowly while leaning on the wall for support to where the living room was. Sitting down on the sofa, he found himself unsure of what to do next. He still didn't even have a phone on him. Which sucked.
There was the TV that was mounted on the wall in front of him, but he had no interest in it. The apartment was silent, no other sound audible inside. He thought about how he’ll have to get used to living with another person. For a long time he lived alone, used to the lonely space that was his home. He’d eat his meals alone, mornings and evenings he too, has spent alone with nobody waiting for him at home.
Now he does. Somehow.
He’ll be sharing meals with someone now, as well as saying “good morning” and “goodnight” everyday.
It’s strange.
It’s even more strange to live with someone who sees, hears and listens to you. Who loves you. Even if the words themselves are never said. But he felt and saw it. And that was enough for Dokja.
His thoughts are broken short when he hears the front door open, making him aware of Joonghyuk’s return. Dokja turned his head away from the window to where the sounds of footsteps were. Joonghyuk carried the wheelchair over close to where Dokja’s now supposed bedroom was, so he’d know where it is and could have easy access to it.
As he stared at him, Dokja noticed how relaxed the man seemed. His eyes weren’t as sharp, but now softer, especially when their eyes met.
“Are you hungry?” Joonghyuk asked, walking into the open kitchen.
“Just a little,” he replied. It’s been a good few hours since he had eaten breakfast. Due to the fact he was being discharged and Joonghyuk didn’t have time to cook anything, he ended up eating the bland food that the hospital offered and it wasn’t fulfilling. He has become spoiled, hasn’t he? Joonghyuk’s cooking was just too good.
“How about gimbap?” Joonghyuk offered, opening the large fridge door to take a look at the ingredients inside, which was full to the brim. Did he restock while he was away from the hospital?
“Sure,” he agreed.
Joonghyuk got immediately to work, taking out the needed ingredients and the chopping board along with the knives. Dokja wondered just what cooking tools the other didn’t have. As he continued to sit in the living room, listening to the clinking sounds in the kitchen as the other moved around, he decided to get up and join him in the kitchen. He was never one to really cook much as he couldn’t afford to eat 3 meals a day or buy good and nutritious food, but whenever he could, he would try and cook something proper to eat. Considering he was on his own since his late teens, he had to learn how to stay up float. Of course, his cooking could never match Yoo Joonghyuk’s, but it wasn’t terrible as it looked. The ex-regressor could run a whole restaurant if he wanted due to how aesthetically pleasing it looked and smelled heavenly.
“Need any help?” He asked, standing nearby as he observed the man chopping the ingredients.
At first, he thought that he would refuse, tell him to go sit down and wait for him to finish. But none of that came to Dokja’s surprise.
“Sure,” Yoo Joonghyuk agreed, moving to make space for him near the kitchen counter.
“What should I do?” He asked for directions.
“Chop the carrots and the spinach,” Joonghyuk instructed.
Dokja did as he was told, cutting them into small pieces. They weren’t perfect as he didn’t have that much practice with knives, but it was good enough since Joonghyuk didn’t complain about it.
As they worked away in the kitchen, the silence took over, but it was comfortable as they enjoyed each other’s presence. Soon enough the meal was completed and they moved towards where the dining table was. As they were eating, Dokja decided to break the silence.
“How’s Yoo Mia doing?” Dokja began, taking a bite of his gimbap. From what he was told, Yoo Mia was attending a private school somewhere within Seoul while also simultaneously living on campus.
“She’s doing alright,” Yoo Joonghyuk replied, his voice more softer as he spoke of his sister. “She’ll be visiting in a few weeks to spend time here during vacation.”
“Is she enjoying school at least?” He asked and he received a nod from the man. Yoo Joonghyuk wouldn’t just place his younger sister to any sort of school, even if the scenarios were long over, he was still careful and made sure no harm came towards her.
Once they were done eating their food, Dokja insisted on doing the dishes as Joonghyuk had done most of the work while cooking. While completing the small chore, he thought of how he was starting to enjoy this mundane way of living. It was still strange to not have to get up early for work, no longer holding a job now since the scenarios started as nobody pressured or pushed him to do so, other than when it comes to his recovery and making sure he follows the given plan. As much as Dokja didn’t want to be a burden, he understood that he won’t be finding one for the time being, as he still hasn’t fully recovered. He still got tired quickly after a small amount of activity, don’t get him started on his mental state. He made enough progress to no longer need to stay in the hospital. Still a long way for him to go.
Now that the dishes were done, Joonghyuk dried them before putting them away in the utensils and cutlery drawer, while Dokja moved back to the sofa, his back resting against it. Staring at the TV which was now on, showing some sort of drama, his eyes began to droop, already tired from everything today even though it wasn’t past afternoon. Joonghyuk joined him, sitting down beside him.
“Tired?” Joonghyuk turned to him, noticing his current state.
“Hm… a little,” he replied with little energy, his voice quiet as his eyes felt heavy, legs aching.
At his response, he felt a hand reach out and gently guide him down, his head landing on Joonghyuk’s lap. Soon after, he felt warm as a blanket was draped over him before he felt fingers carding through his silky hair, making him relax at the touch. The comforting touch and movement made him doze off into sleep.
In the middle of the night, after another fitful nightmare, he laid wide awake, staring at the ceiling. By now, Dokja was used to them, but they were still awful. Nightmares of the scenarios, which would soon change into the train carriage that he spent multiple years on alone.
Lifting himself by his elbows to sit up, he wrapped the blanket around his body and got up from the bed, the floorboards creaking under his weight. With slow and quiet steps, he walked over to the door and opened it, stepping out of the bedroom. Without a second thought, he made way to Joonghyuk’s room. He didn’t want to interrupt the other’s rest, even if the man wasn’t asleep, but he found himself needing to be in his presence, else he’ll truly begin spiraling.
Dokja stood in front of the door before lifting his hand to knock on the door as quietly and gently as possible. He heard Joonghyuk shuffle in his bed, indicating that he was awake. Placing his hand on the door handle, he turned it and opened the door where he was met with a dark bedroom, curtains drawn close so no light could seep in.
“Are you awake?” He spoke quietly.
“Hm,” Joonghyuk hummed in response. “Is something wrong?”
He stood in the doorway, feeling a little awkward doing this.
“Is it alright if I sleep with you?” He asked, bringing the blanket closer to himself to keep warm.
“It’s just… the nightmares and…”
He had a hard time admitting that he found himself unable to sleep without Joonghyuk by his side, so used to his presence and touch.
Before he could finish explaining himself, Joonghyuk shuffled further away from the center of the bed and spoke. “Come here.”
Dokja’s head perked up at his words and he quickly trudged over to the other side of the bed, climbing into it. The moment he laid his head down on the extra pillow, he was immediately brought into a tight embrace, his face pressed against Joonghyuk’s chest while his arms wrapped around his waist, holding him closely. From this up close, he could smell his cologne. Usually the man smelled of ash and sometimes blood, but now there was none of that. Right, why would he smell like that? The scenarios were over after all.
“Do you want to speak about it?” Joonghyuk spoke quietly.
“It’s the same as usual, really…” he answered, leaning further into his chest.
The two lay silently in the dark room, both suffering from loss of sleep. He heard small bits from Sooyoung when she spoke of what Joonghyuk was up to, how he spent his days. What he did to get him back. The regressions…
“You know,” he began, pausing momentarily before continuing. “Sooyoung told me what you did, to get me back…”
“And I don’t regret any of it,” Joonghyuk interrupted him, from his tone, he sounded sure of himself and his decisions.
“I’d do it again and again if needed,” Joonghyuk added.
Dokja moved his head away to look up at Joonghyuk. “You- you didn’t need to do all of this… sacrifice yourself for me.”
“I’ll do what I want to do,” Joonghyuk retorted. “If you disappear again, I’ll search for you, even if it means regressing again.”
“You tell me to not sacrifice myself while doing exactly that.”
Dokja froze at his words. Joonghyuk wasn’t wrong, but…
“But I needed to do it, else everyone…”
“Then we could’ve found a different solution,” Joonghyuk responded. “I would’ve preferred if you didn’t sacrifice yourself for the sake of our safety and lives.”
“For a long time, even now, I had nightmares of you. In them, in every single one, it replayed your deaths. Where you bled out, your limbs missing…”
Joonghyuk’s voice was barely above a whisper. Dokja listened to every word he said, realizing just how badly he haunted this man’s dreams.
“I’m sorry…” he apologized, guilt gnawing at his heart.
“You’re here now,” Joonghyuk said, bringing him back close again. “The scenarios are over and you’re here with us.”
“Just make sure to stay.”
He knew that it would be a while until either of them recovered, not physically, but mentally. Probably never even. The things they saw and experienced weren't something simple. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Joonghyuk, so many lives lived, so many deaths seen by him.
Neither of them were able to fall asleep until the sun began to rise.
Months passed. Now nearing the end of winter, the snow is still showing no sign of melting, buildings and trees covered by it.
Today he was turning thirty. Quite a big number he never thought he’d ever reach. Somehow achieved it. His younger self would’ve been surprised.
Dokja opened his bleary eyes, sleep still apparent as he felt an arm draped over him with Joonghyuk’s chest against his back. He leaned into the warmth as the cold seeped into covers, making the other tighten his hold on him.
“Stop squirming,” Joonghyuk muttered against his neck, his voice heavy and hoarse from sleep.
“Good morning to you as well,” he jested, a small smile forming on the corners of his lips.
By now, he has gotten used to these intimate mornings and mundane days, which consisted of staying home with Joonghyuk, going to therapy and sometimes whenever time was made, meet his friends and kids. Sooyoung joked that they were acting like a married couple already from her observations, saying they should just get married already then. Of course, the kids, Gilyoung in particular, weren't happy to hear that.
The sun seeped in through the small gap of the curtains. It was probably around 10 in the morning already.
He felt Joonghyuk lean into the crevice of his neck.
“Happy birthday,” Joonghyuk muttered, voice soft and gentle.
Turning around to face Joonghyuk, the two now lay face to face, their eyes meeting one another's. Joonghyuk reached out to caress his face gently as he stared into the starry eyes, to which, Dokja leaned into the touch as usual. For someone who was so brutal during the scenarios, killing others without a second thought and his hands crushing an enemy with ease, he was so gentle with him, as if he were porcelain that would break under pressure.
Leaning towards the other, he made the move to kiss him, which was reciprocated. The two shared a deep kiss until they ran out of breath, exploring each other without care in the world, knowing they have time now.
Who knew he’d enjoy things like this and get to enjoy living.
“Hungry?” Joonghyuk asked as usual in the mornings.
“Very.”
“What do you want?”
“Anything.”
“Nothing specific?”
Dokja contemplated for a second.
“Maybe some murim dumplings.”
“Anything else?”
“Are you planning on cooking up a feast or something today?” He asked him.
“Maybe.”
“We live alone and the food will spoil.”
He hasn’t returned to the room that belonged to him since that night, only used whenever he needed some time alone or to grab a book.
“You can just bring it to the kids or Sooyoung, it’ll be soon gone before it can spoil.”
Joonghyuk has become so passionate and eager to cook for him since they returned from the hospital, asking multiple times if he wanted anything. And if he did, he’d make it from scratch. It didn't matter what type of food or difficulty. Damn protagonist.
“Just murim dumplings, maybe some omurice would be nice too,” he said. He knew that if the other would cook a feast, it would still be too much.
“Okay,” Joonghyuk agreed.
The day was spent quietly, enjoying their time alone together until the rest of the company members came to celebrate his birthday, all eager and happy with well wishes. Dokja felt his heart soar in happiness, to the care and love he received which he thought he didn’t deserve.
He was glad to be back.
Weeks, months and a few years had passed by now. Life continued on and humanity continued to build. Many changes happened over the time.
The apartment walls were covered in multiple frames, corners of their home and balcony filled with plants, shelves filled with multiple books to the point they were beginning to overfill.
On the corner sofa, that was worn out now, the figures lay on it. Joonghyuk laid against Dokja, who was carding his fingers through his hair, a silver wedding band on his ring finger visible, one that the Joonghyuk shared with him. The two married a year after Dokja woke up, just as Sooyoung and Heewon predicted would happen. It was Joonghyuk who proposed to him in the middle of the quiet and intimate night when they were in bed.
The recent months have been hectic. Jihye graduated from university, while Gilyoung, Mia and Yoosung graduated high school. They were all grown now. Dokja still remembers when they reached his waist, where he’d easily reach to pat the top of their heads. Besides graduations, he was busy doing editorial work for Sooyoung since he made full recovery, who insisted on it. He didn’t mind as he loved her work.
After such a busy time, they finally had time to themselves.
He continued to card through Joonghyuk’s wavy dark hair, as the summer heat spread through the apartment.
A lot of things have changed over the time since he woke up. He spent time with his kids, trying to be involved in their lives as much as he could to make up for the time he missed with them. He would cook often with Joonghyuk and sometimes the food would be shared with their friends. His mother, someone who he still has a rocky relationship with, would visit him and Joonghyuk. Primarily him, as the two would exchange looks and glares. Birthdays, new years and holidays celebrated, soaking in every minute he spent with everyone.
The two of them were still haunted by nightmares, but not as often as before. They held each other right after. Hyunsung mentioned to him how they seemed attached to the hip, barely ever separated from each other. That was true. But where else would he be? They were like moths to a candlelight to one another.
“Stop mulling your head with thoughts,” Joonghyuk muttered.
“But they aren’t bad thoughts,” he responded, moving to wrap his arms around Joonghyuk.
Joonghyuk was doubtful for a moment.
“What are you thinking of then?” Joonghyuk asked, lifting himself as he hovered above Dokja, their eyes meeting.
Dokja smiled at him. “Just happy things.”
For the first time in his many years of living, he felt happy. Truly.
At close proximity, their foreheads touched. Joonghyuk moved to take Dokja’s glasses off, placing them nearby where they wouldn’t break before leaning in to kiss him.
When the two broke off the kiss, Joonghyuk peppered him with a few feathery kisses from the top of his head to his neck, while Dokja allowed him and caught his breath.
Then, the next words that came from Joonghyuk made him pause.
“I love you,” Joonghyuk said, his head against the crevice of his neck.
Even if it wasn’t the first time he had heard these three words, it still surprised him. Once again, wrapping his arms around Joonghyuk, bringing him closer to himself to the point he could feel his heart beat. His chest felt warm at the words.
“I love you too,” he responded, his voice soft and quiet, just enough for Joonghyuk to hear.
The two continued to lay in each other's embrace for a while longer, neither separating, enjoying the quiet noon together.
Dokja found many reasons to live on. One of the many was Joonghyuk. Someone who kept him going, who he shared laughs and tears with. The same could be said for Joonghyuk. His dearest life and death companion. Dokja would do anything to keep him alive, while Joonghyuk would search and search for him so they wouldn’t remain separated.