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It was useless. Another dusty old book filled with nothing but dead leads she’d already wasted far too much time pursuing. What a fucking failure. Celeste cursed bitterly, fragile pages crinkling under her gem-studded nails. Just looking down at that tome on her desk was enough to keep the fires of rage burning inside her, and she knew it wasn’t going to improve without doing something about it. She hated that about herself, how easily she could be provoked to rage when she valued keeping a tight leash on her behavior more than anything. That sour, simmering anger only condensed. Celeste slammed the book shut, and before she could tell herself not to have a temper tantrum like a child, she hurled it straight at the wall.
The hard cover made contact with a loud, echoing clap, then dropped to the wood floor with another thud. Grand Bois Cheri had been napping peacefully on the corner of her desk, fluffy tail tucked neatly over his paws, but all the noise roused him in an instant. He gave her a low mrrow of displeasure before he jumped down, just to be sure she knew it was her fault he had to go look for a cozier spot in the house.
If only he knew the full extent of what a failure she was, how infuriating this new delay was. She was failing him every bit as much as she was failing herself, and that was far more unforgivable.
“Celeste? Are you okay?” Grand Bois Cheri must have barely been out the door of her study before she heard Kyoko’s voice down the hall. “I heard something fall.”
The honey sweet concern in her girlfriend’s voice would normally be a point of pride for her, something to preen over and brag about how she’d scored such an incredible woman. But while she was in such turmoil, hearing it almost made her feel worse. However much Kyoko loved her, however incredible a detective she was, she couldn’t snap her fingers and solve the greatest mystery of all.
Her throat felt too tight to respond. She leaned forward, crossing her arms over the surface of the desk that her cat and the useless book had vacated, and rested her head on them. The corners of her eyes prickled, stinging with unshed tears, but even in the small, dark space between her face and the surface of her desk, Celeste blinked them back. Kyoko would be in any second to check on her. She didn’t want to be falling apart when it happened.
“Oh, love, what’s wrong?” Just as she thought. Celeste let out a shaky breath, wishing it was as easy as simply curling in on herself and escaping to another world altogether, one where she had a chance at fulfilling her life’s dream.
“It’s worthless,” she muttered. “It’s all worthless. More time wasted and nothing to show for it.” For a torturous moment after making that admission, humiliating enough all on its own to make her chest ache, there was quiet. Kyoko only hummed sympathetically. A gloved hand met the back of her head, stroking through her hair in slow, even motions.
“This book was a bust too, then?” Kyoko asked eventually. Celeste could picture her looking over at where it had fallen to the floor so well that keeping herself blind started to seem useless. She lifted her head, hoping that her sniffling was subtle, demure. As close to sophisticated as sniffling could be.
“Yes. Nothing I haven’t already seen. It took us weeks to get our hands on it, and we’re not a single step closer to our goal. I’m… beginning to wonder if it’s all futile. Maybe those dullards were right all along. Maybe there is no path to eternal life.” She scoffed, unsure of whether she was angrier at herself or the evidence that had so reliably eluded her. “Even if it’s out there somewhere, we’re running out of time. Every… every month of chasing leads, or regrouping after another attempt fails… they add up. It’s not as simple as merely finding evidence of a promising-looking spell or elixir either. We’ll need to test it for safety, get some idea of whether it really works… We’re getting older. More pressingly, Grand Bois Cheri is getting older. Maybe…” She took a breath, wobbly when she wished it wasn’t, and found that she couldn’t bear to say aloud that she was wondering whether to give up.
It turned out that she didn’t need to say a thing.
“Don’t think that way,” Kyoko scolded, one hand sliding down from Celeste’s hair to pull her in close in a side hug. “Where’s the confident, determined woman I fell in love with? You’ve been more devoted to your dream than anyone I’ve ever met. We’ll get there. If anyone’s capable of discovering immortality and putting it into practice, it’s the two of us. The fact that things look bleak now is no reason to turn back. The next lead could be what we need, or the one after that.” She gave Celeste an encouraging squeeze. It helped a little, especially when she breathed in the scent of Kyoko’s perfume.
“You’re right, we are both incredibly talented. I’ll grant you that much. But all the talent in the world means nothing if the answers we seek don’t exist.”
“Trust yourself a little more, won’t you? I’ve seen unexplainable things in my time, and so have you. If anything, it’s my duty as a detective to pursue those clues as far as I can. Besides, we’re both still young. So’s Grand Bois Cheri. The clock isn’t running out tomorrow. We’ll get there, but only if you don’t give up.”
Celeste sighed. “Giving up is a frustratingly loser-ish thing to do. Behavior people would expect from Yasuhiro Taeko, but never from the Queen of Liars herself.”
“Exactly. You mustn’t prove that they were right about you all those years ago. You need to do the opposite. Prove you’re capable of what everyone called impossible. And then live with me in luxury and hedonism for all eternity.”
“That… is what life should be all about.”