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I feel so lost. I guess we all do – Garrus, Liara, Tali...
Tali seems like she has no idea what to do with herself now. When I talked to her last night at what turned into an impromptu wake at Anderson’s apartment, she mentioned needing to get back to the flotilla, but for the first time her heart didn't seem to be in it when she spoke of the Migrant Fleet. She and Garrus were putting a serious dent in Anderson’s dextro liquor supply and her emotions swung between a white-hot anger at whoever was responsible for the attack on the Normandy and an inconsolable sadness as she remembered aloud how Shepard had always had faith in her… At one point I caught Garrus’ eye and and nodded toward the young quarian as she poured another drink. He saw the direction of my glance and murmured that he’d look out for her.
Even though we weren’t even a crew any more, as the senior surviving officer, I felt responsible for them… I’d pushed most of them into the escape pods, launched them frantically toward safety, my body operating on autopilot while my mind worried about getting Shepard out of there. Almost enough time… not enough time. Following his last order – to get into a pod myself – was the hardest thing I’ve even done in my life.
And there was Joker. I tried to talk to him, but I've never seen him that drunk. Wish I'd been more drunk myself, but no matter what I tried drinking, it never seemed to happen. Damn biotic metabolism. With every drink I just pushed myself further toward the migraine that was threatening.
It was like a party without the guest of honor. Except he was here. In all our minds and memories. The good times and the hard times. And the worst time... adrift, his suit venting air... comm open, sharing his last moments.
I guess Dr. Chakwas found me slumped on the floor in the bathroom and got me to one of the bedrooms in the apartment. I assume she administered my migraine meds and got me into bed to try to sleep it off. But I don't remember anything more about it. I just woke up here alone, and it took me a few moments to even realize where I was.
There was a fresh uniform on the chair by the bed, so I went through the routine of getting myself cleaned up and presentable. I heard Anderson speaking to someone downstairs, so I tried to at least act like a soldier when I reported to him, hoping for orders... or coffee... no, orders. I need to know what to do with myself.
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Alenko looks so lost. More lost than the rest, even more than Joker.
Chakwas told me that he'd need at least eight to twelve hours sleep to recover from the migraine. He probably hadn't done himself any favors by trying to drink it away last night, but I can't blame him for trying.
"Lieutenant. Good to see you looking better this afternoon. Dr. Chakwas left a message for you. She wasn't sure where she was going to be headed, but I think this is her private omni-tool contact."
He nods, inputting the information.
"Thank you, sir. And thank you for letting me stay here last night. Do you have orders for me?"
"No thanks necessary. That was a rough night for all of us. I'm glad everyone could get together though. I'd hoped maybe you could help each other try to deal with... everything."
The lieutenant nods, saying something almost coherent about everyone going their own ways now.
"Coffee? I was just making a fresh cup myself."
"Coffee... yeah that would be great." After accepting the mug, he tastes it and looks around the kitchen counter. "Do you have some extra sugar?"
"Here you go. I forget not everyone drinks it straight up the way I do."
After finishing the coffee in silence, he asks me for orders again.
"Take a few weeks leave, Lieutenant. Go back to Earth... visit your family. It will take some time to sort out new assignments."
He hesitates just a little too long before replying, the dark circles under his eyes contradicting his words.
"Captain... sorry, Admiral, I respectfully suggest that it's not necessary. I'm not injured..."
"Not every injury leaves a visible scar. And you know Alliance protocols... Kaidan, you've just been through a traumatic experience. Hell, we all have. Shepard was..." I bite my tongue. No need to burden him with my own grief. This young man has more than enough of his own. "Shepard was one of a kind. I'm not sure it's really sunk in that he's gone... and it has to be even rougher on those of you who were there when it happened."
He tries to hide it, but I catch the quick eye blinks and the hitch in his breathing when I mention Shepard. He's got a lot of mourning to do.
"I'll make it an order if I have to, but get your ass off the Citadel and spend some time at home. There’s a shuttle for Earth. Leaves at 1800 hours. I'll contact you when I have your new orders and we’ll get you certified to return to duty."
He draws himself to attention for just long enough to salute me before his shoulders slump again. "Yes, sir."
As he turns to go, I reach out to touch his shoulder, trying to find something of comfort to offer him. "I think he'd want you to pick up your life and then find whoever did this and give them hell. I want to see that happen as much as you do. Take care, Lieutenant."
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Leaving Anderson's apartment with a few hours to kill and no particular destination in mind, I find myself on the Presidium. Looking out over the lake brings a unquiet cascade of memories. My younger, naive self admiring the beauty and how damn big it all was. Being jolted back to reality by the realization that I was here with Ash and Shepard... and now I'm here alone.
Everything seemed possible then. Now... I don't know....
I think I hear footsteps behind me and as I turn to look, something rustles in my pocket. The footsteps were nothing, but the rustle is a penned note from Chakwas. She must have been the one to lay out a fresh uniform for me this morning and slipped the note into it.
Kaiden, I wouldn't think of waking you, but wanted to say a few things. None of us were in any condition last night to say or hear them.
I wanted to thank you for being kind to Jeff. I spoke to him this morning and he talked about how afraid he'd been that everyone would hate him. He already blames himself and his own stubbornness for getting Shepard killed. It seems he just expected that everyone else would blame him too. He almost decided not to be there last night, So your kind words came at a good time.
I worry about both of you right now, as you're trying to deal with your losses. The Normandy was Jeff's life, almost literally. And Shepard meant so much to you. I always smiled to see the two of you sharing late night coffee and conversation in the Mess. If he wasn’t going to sleep, at least that might have helped him relax a little. Beyond that… don’t ask how I know, but the knowledge is safe with me. I'll say only that I'd never seen him as concerned about a member of his crew as he was worried about you the night before the mission to Ilos.
Nothing I could say can ease the loss you're feeling, but if you ever want to talk about things - or talk about him, I'm a good listener. Anderson gave you my contact information - I wanted him to know I was concerned about you.
Let me say just one more thing. I knew Commander Shepard well enough to know that he would understand your loss and encourage you to work through it - and to make his sacrifice mean something by carrying on what he started.
Take care, Kaiden
Karin Chakwas
I read it a few times before carefully folding it back up and tucking it safely back into my pocket. I guess I wasn't as discreet as I might have been. But somehow a part of me is grateful that someone understands something of why I feel as bereft as I do.
I’ll contact her one day, maybe after I get things sorted out a little. I don’t know.
But I count her as a friend.