Chapter Text
Nowhere Man
Daryl was sitting on the front porch of the house in Alexandria, that the majority of their group referred to as home, sharpening the knife he was about to skin and gut his latest quarry with.
He knew how much everybody hated him doing that right there in his favorite spot of the porch, leaving a gross mess right next to the front door, which was the mere reason why he did it. This place, this town, these people – they could go ahead and tame, mold and change the rest of his group, but not him. Never. They weren’t going to put him in their golden cage, turn him into someone he was not, have him grow fat and lazy like a domesticated cat. He didn’t want to fit in, if that meant having to twist and bend into a shape that wasn’t him. Either they learned to accept him the way he was, or …
Or what? He had never followed that train of thought beyond this point.
With a sigh, he dropped the knife next to the two squirrels he had caught that morning and leaned back against the wooden railing of the porch.
There was music inside of the house. Someone obviously managed to get the old record player going and laughter as well as the murmur of voices reached the archer’s ears along with the melody of the Beatles’ “Nowhere Man”.
He's a real nowhere man
Sitting in his nowhere land
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody
There were dishes and glasses clinking in the kitchen as someone was taking care of the mess they left after last night’s dinner. A door slammed shut, followed by Carl’s angry shout to be quiet, because Judith was asleep.
Daryl shook his head to himself. Only a teenage boy would yell to have people be quiet in order not to wake the baby.
A shriek from upstairs and another door being slammed shut, accompanied by Rosita’s annoyed “For crying out loud, Eugene”, had a smirk tug at the corners of Daryl’s mouth. Apparently Eugene had marched into the bathroom once more, while Rosita was taking a shower, which did not happen for the first time. The archer couldn’t help wondering, if Eugene was doing that on purpose. Just as he wondered, if Rosita really was as annoyed as she pretended to be.
Daryl sighed audibly. He loved these people. He really did. They were his group, his family and he would always favor them over the entire crowd of nameless faces that infested this town. Save for the exception of very few of them, he could very well have done without all of those people. There were way too many of them within these walls for his liking.
Yet although he truly cared for each and every one of his own people, there were too many of them in this house as well. Out there on the road, things were different. Sticking together was a necessity, their only chance to not lose each other on the way and to enlarge their chances of survival. Around here this sticking together started to annoy him to no end.
Although they had been here roughly three months already, the majority of their group was still living together in this house, as though they had to be prepared to pack and run again any day now. Which was unlikely.
More often than he liked to admit, Daryl caught himself wishing they actually had to.
The people of Alexandria – they were good people. He was well aware of that. As a matter of fact, he had taken quite a shine to Aaron and Eric, as well as Denise. And these walls around the town meant safety, a place for Judith and Carl to grow up without having to be out there on the road where their lives were in danger every single day. He meant what he had said to Deanna when they first arrived: “The boy and the baby, they deserve a roof over their head.”
That didn’t change the fact that he felt out of sorts here, still. Some days the walls seemed to move in on him and all the people around him smothered him, had him want to just run, fly to a place he could hear himself think and breathe freely again. The only times he felt like himself, was when he was out there hunting or on a recruiting trip with Aaron. Sometimes he wondered, why he kept returning to this place at all.
“Nah, ya know why”, Daryl thought and couldn’t help another sigh.
Before he could sink deeper into his brooding mood, the front door opened and Maggie and Glenn appeared in the doorway.
It was clearly visible now that she was pregnant, not only by her swollen belly, but also by the glow that seemed to engulf her, as though her happiness was shining from the inside out.
Why those two still stayed in this house, was beyond Daryl. Surely Deanna would have given them their own place, if they had asked her. There were still quite a few houses throughout the town unoccupied, and he and Aaron hadn’t been able to find any new residents in quite a while, so a house for the new little Rhee-Greene family shouldn’t have been a problem. Yet Glenn and Maggie had chosen to stay. Just like Eugene. And Rosita. It had been in consideration for her probably, that Sasha and Abraham had opted for getting their own place, rather than living door to door with Abraham’s ex and rubbing their new love into her face on a daily base. But after watching Rosita around Eugene lately, Daryl wondered if she would even have cared at all.
He was well aware that most people still underestimated him, because he was a loner and he was quiet. But he had eyes. And he had ears. And he wasn’t dumb. He saw and heard far more than they were all aware of. And there was something going on between Rosita and Eugene, although they were trying to hide it. Maybe they weren’t even aware of it themselves yet, but it was there nevertheless.
Carol had understood a long time ago, that whatever she had hoped to be there between herself and Daryl, was clearly not.
Daryl still felt guilty for never mustering the courage to just tell her straight out that he wasn’t interested – not in her or any other woman for that matter – although her advances couldn’t have been more obvious. He had turned her down politely often enough for her to figure it out on her own, so he had figured. And she had. She had eyes and ears, too. And she wasn’t dumb, either. Even before they’d arrived in Alexandria, she had stopped making passes and following him around like a puppy. Now, with him being friends with Aaron and Eric, as well as Denise and Tara, the reason why he just wasn’t interested in more than friendship, should have been obvious even to someone who wasn’t as smart a lady as she was. It had all fallen into place pretty soon and had her understand just why Daryl circled around Rick like the Earth around the sun. Because Rick was just that to him – his sun, the center of his world, the one person he loved more than anything.
Daryl was happy for her. She had found someone who loved her dearly and she had moved in with Tobin a while ago. Maybe Daryl even envied her at this point, because she was clearly at least one step ahead of him.
Glenn’s voice ended the archer’s train of thought and had him focus on the happy couple in front of him.
“We were gonna go for a walk to check on the new vegetable plants. Wanna come?”
Daryl arched an eyebrow, while he looked at the young Asian and then the pretty woman next to him.
They had never before asked him, if he cared to join them on a walk. And they must have been aware of the fact that vegetable plants were far from being top on his list of interests. When he noticed them exchange a quick glance, he was barely able to stifle another sigh. Charity. That’s what this was. They didn’t really want him to accompany them. As a matter of fact, they had probably just asked to be polite, hoping deep down inside though that he would decline.
Did Rick put them up to this? Or Carol? Bad conscience and the mother hen mode had probably kicked in and had both of them acknowledge that neither one had spared the time for him lately. Thus they had put the rest of the group up to keep him happy, as though he was a five-year-old that needed to be entertained.
Daryl’s jaw muscles clenched as he gritted his teeth, while he picked up the knife he had placed next to the squirrels earlier.
“Thanks, but I’m busy.”
Maggie’s face distorted in disgust.
“Gosh, Daryl, do you have to do this on the front porch every time?”
“Ya want dinner or not?”
“Sure, and I appreciate you still going out there hunting, although …”
Daryl’s expression darkened.
“Although?”
She sent another glance to her husband, obviously undecided whether to go on or not. Apparently she had said more than she had intended to already.
“Although”, Glenn came to her aid, “it isn’t really necessary any longer. Don’t get me wrong, we really do appreciate it, but the Hilltop provides enough food and we were quite successful with …”
“Them vegetable plants”, Daryl ended the sentence gravely, while dropping the knife. “Ain’t forcing no one ta eat ma squirrels. Used ta hunt them for maself, ‘cause I like ‘em. You rather want the Hilltop’s pasta or yer tomatoes, no sweat.”
Both of them were squirming now as this conversation had taken a rather unpleasant turn.
“We didn’t mean to …”
“Hurt ma feelings?” Daryl snorted derisively. “Heard worse in ma life.”
He picked the knife back up to go about gutting said squirrels, when Maggie turned around rather quickly and almost fled from the porch. Glenn answered Daryl’s frown with an apologetic shrug.
“She gets nauseous quite quickly lately.”
“Over seeing blood and guts? Man, helluva time to develop a sensitive stomach.”
Glenn stepped from one foot onto the other.
“Well, yeah … we’ll be seeing you.”
That said he hurried after his wife, apparently happy to be able to fly.
“They gotta be kidding me”, Daryl murmured, a dark scowl on his face.
Just when he was placing the knife for the first cut, he heard steps approach the house once more and a second later Carol appeared on the porch.
“Thought I’d find you here”, she said matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, where else would I be?” he answered more gruffly than he had intended to. “Taking a walk with Glenn and Maggie, ta go look at their precious vegetables?”
She arched an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about?”
“Never mind. Whadda ya want?”
“Came to invite you over to dinner with Tobin and me. I was gonna make some casserole and …”
“No thanks. I’m good. Got some squirrels. Want one for yer casserole?”
Her features derailed slightly, when she tried not to pull a face, but he noticed nevertheless.
“Them squirrels not good enough for ya, either?”
The hurt in his inflection was palpable, much that he tried to hide it, and had her cock her head.
“Of course not. It’s just …”
“They ain’t needed no longer.”
“You putting your life in danger out there, hunting, isn’t needed any longer.”
He looked at her for a long moment, deadpan, not saying a word. She meant well, he was aware of that. She always had. But the more she tried to protect him, the more she hovered over him and stuck her nose in his business, the more she pushed him away.
“It’s huntin’ and puttin’ ma life in danger out there, that makes me feel alive at all, Carol. Ya never got that, haven’t ya?”
“I just don’t want you to pull away again. You’ve come too far.”
Again he just looked at her piercingly, biting his tongue not to say his thoughts out loud. “I may have come far, but I’ve reached a dead end. Can’t ya see that?”
What he did say in the end was: “Got some squirrels ta take care of. Was there anything else ya wanted?”
It was her sighing audibly this time.
“No. If you want to talk or care for some company, you know where to find me.”
“Sure.”
With a parting nod she wordlessly turned around and slowly walked away, pulling her cardigan tighly around her waist as though she felt chilly all of a sudden. Daryl listened to her steps until they had disappeared around the nearest corner, before he had his back drop back against the railing.
“Ya still don’t know me, Carol, do ya? Ain’t the guy who needs ta talk and it ain’t yer company I need.”
“Rick.”
He didn’t even know, he had said the name out loud. The name of the one person, he would have wanted to see, who would have been able to lift his spirit and could have driven the clouds away that were darkening his sky more and more. The name of the one person, who was the mere reason he was still here at all.
Doesn't have a point of view
Knows not where he's going to
Isn’t he a bit like you and me?
A few yards away, unseen by the archer, Rick stood with Spencer and Aaron, giving them instructions on sentry duty and wall patrol, while his eyes kept drifting over to his house even while he was talking.
He had seen Maggie and Glenn emerge and talk to someone sitting in one corner of the porch, right before Carol had showed up and the scenario had been repeated. Rick didn’t even have to make an educated guess as to who it was sitting there in that corner – he knew. The same person, the only person, who kept sitting there, day after day, as though it was the only bearable spot in the entire town. And maybe it was.
“Daryl.”
Rick breathed in deep in order to calm his racing heartbeat. He didn’t have to see his friend to know exactly what he would find, if he walked over to him right now.
Daryl would be sitting there in the same old rags he’d been wearing for months now, although there was a choice of newer clothes available to all of them, and he would either be gutting his latest quarry or just stare blankly ahead of himself, brooding.
The archer did his share of standing sentry or going on patrol along the wall, he still was outside of Alexandria a lot to go on hunting trips or recruiting missions with Aaron and often enough Rick saw him spend time with Judith and Carl, which he was especially thankful for. But other than that, Daryl quite obviously had no intentions of becoming part of this town. Save for Aaron, Eric and Denise, he hadn’t befriended any of the Alexandria residents. He didn’t go to parties or any other kind of gathering, didn’t talk to people he met in the street, even avoided them as far as only possible. And once in a while, he would be just gone, hiding in a secret place he hadn’t even told Rick about, probably to just get away from it all.
The mere fact that Daryl felt the need to disappear and hide, showed all too clearly that he didn’t like being here. While the rest of their group had settled in quite quickly and enjoyed a somewhat normal life again, Daryl seemed to feel out of sorts a little more with each passing day.
He rarely ever stayed in his room, although it was the one with the most privacy in the entire house. He opted for sitting on the porch, even at nights sometimes. And many times when Rick had gone on runs with him, he had noticed how Daryl had pulled in a deep breath as soon as they had passed the gate, as though being outside of the walls felt like liberation to the older man, as though only out there he was able to breathe freely.
While everybody else felt secure inside the walls, Daryl felt trapped. There was no sense in denying that. More than once during the past months, Rick had found himself standing at the gate, staring out onto the street when Daryl was out there, waiting. Waiting – and dreading the possibility that his friend would not return. Not because something had happened to him, but because he chose not to come back.
“Rick?”
Aaron’s gentle voice had him focus on the two men standing in front of him again and he cast them an apologetic smile.
“Sorry, I was just … What did you say?”
“Just asking, if it’s okay for Spencer to do my shift of sentry duty tonight. It’s Eric’s birthday and I’d like to be
home …”
Rick cast him another smile and had him fall quiet when he waved the comment off.
“Sure. If it’s okay with Spencer, you can switch your shifts all you want.”
“Fine with me”, Spencer said with a shrug, which had Aaron give him a thankful nod.
Rick didn’t pay attention to the two men any longer. After Glenn and Maggie had talked to Daryl rather shortly, only to almost fly from the porch, Carol seemed to have been quickly dismissed as well, because she looked anything but happy as she was walking away just now.
Obviously it was one of those days again. Actually, one of those days was standard lately as far as Daryl was concerned. He was baring his fangs, pulling away, didn’t even want people of their group around him any longer, save for Carl, Judith and Rick.
“You gotta do something, Grimes, and you better do it fast”, Rick berated himself secretly.
Daryl needed help. He was close to breaking point and too proud to admit it. Or maybe he felt nobody would understand – or care. Whatever the reason, it was definitely Rick’s turn to make good for all the support and understanding he had gotten from the archer in the past. Because he understood only too well and cared far more than Daryl knew.
“Are you okay?”
Aaron waved his hand before his eyes to get his attention, after his latest words to Rick had obviously not registered once again.
“Yes, I’m fine”, Rick replied, his inflection slightly annoyed. When he saw the reaction in Aaron’s eyes, he pulled in a deep breath to compose himself. “Sorry. Look, if there isn’t anything else you want to discuss … There’s something, I have to see to.”
Aaron shrugged after exchanging a look with Spencer.
“No, we’re all set. Be seeing you guys later then.”
Spencer replied something to that, but again Rick didn’t pay attention anymore. He didn’t see the other two go their separate ways, didn’t hear two women wishing him a nice day on their way by, didn’t see Tara wave over to him from where she was sitting on the porch of the infirmary catching some rays. Instead he had taken a few steps towards the house, to be able to peek onto the porch and in that very special corner of it, almost dreading what he would see there.
His assumption had been right. Daryl was there, dressed in his favorite rags and his hair the usual unruly mess, as though still looking the way he did out there during their time on the road had him feel that way, too. Maybe he was trying to preserve a time that, despite of all the danger and hardship they had to go through, had been a happier time for him than the past three months here in Alexandria. Maybe he was afraid to lose himself the way they were all losing themselves to some extent ever since they had gotten here.
Circumstances and surroundings had their way of taking a toll on people, whether they were aware of it or not. Daryl was well aware of it, had seen every single person of his group change – their appearance, their behavior, their way of acting and thinking, the things they treasured, the people they loved.
Yet while everybody else was happy about those changes and embraced them as their new life, a better life, Daryl witnessed how his world crumbled and fell apart. Everything and everyone he had held dear was taken away from him or just drifted away, because they adjusted to the new circumstances, whereas Daryl refused to do just that with all his might.
The structure of their group had changed. They weren’t the unit any longer they used to be. The lines blurred and everybody else was mingling with the Alexandrians, made new friends, got acquainted – and they left the one behind, who was unable or unwilling to follow them down that path. There was no need for a tracker and hunter inside these walls any longer and Daryl’s resistance, his stubborn remaining in the place he had earned, left him isolated, frozen in time while the world changed around him.
Maybe all it took, was to give Daryl a reason. A reason to like this new world, too, to bend just enough to fit in without changing what made him him. There had got to be a way.
Rick’s eyes were filled with compassion when he looked over to the lonesome figure on the porch, that sat huddled in his spot, staring blindly ahead of himself as so many times before. Too many times before.
Nowhere man, please listen
You don't know what you're missing
Nowhere man
The world is at your command
The next moment, as if he had felt Rick’s eyes on him, Daryl lifted his head and looked over to him.
Even over the distance, Rick saw the archer’s eyes light up, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. It even widened, when the younger man lifted a hand and waved over to him. It took so little to make Daryl happy. These days it was obviously just a smile from Rick, that little bit of attention, just a moment of his time, undisturbed by …
“Rick? Can I speak with you for a moment, please.”
Deanna approaching him and blocking his view over to Daryl, had Rick curse under his breath and only reluctantly focus on her.
What had he gotten himself into when he accepted this job? Not only the one as sheriff of this town, but also the one in administrations next to Deanna, which kept him busy organizing and running pretty much every area of their current life. He was scheduling sentry duties and wall patrols, organized runs, assigned people to help with gardening or repairs throughout the town and at the wall …
“General drudge”, he couldn’t help thinking.
He didn’t shy away from hard work, but in right that moment Rick felt as though his own life was passing him by, while he spent every minute of the day focussing on other people’s concerns. Of course, keeping this town safe and the food supplies “hunky-dory”, as Eugene liked to put it, was for his own benefit and that of his family as well, but in consequence he barely ever got to see that family anymore.
When was the last time he had played with Judith or put her to bed, telling her a bedtime story? When did he last spend some quality time with his son, listening to what was important to him these days? Keeping in touch with a teenager was hard enough as a parent, and Rick felt he was losing that precious, fragile contact, because there was never the time to talk to Carl, to learn about his thoughts and emotions.
Daryl. When they had first arrived in Alexandria, Rick used to sit in that corner of the porch next to Daryl almost every day, sharing a beer, talking or just enjoying each other’s presence, engulfed in their own very special way of silence, that was never awkward, always soothing.
He missed Daryl. He missed his children. He missed himself. He hadn’t been himself in way too long. And just when he thought, he was coming back, was rediscovering the man he used to be, he had been drowned in loads of work.
He had been up on his feet even before the sun came up that morning, hadn’t seen his children at all yet and when was the last time he had talked to Daryl, really talked to him? He couldn’t even tell for sure. The day before yesterday? Or even before that?
He had to put an end to this.
Deanna was standing right in front of him now and even though she was a small woman, he wasn’t able to see Daryl any longer, without having to step to the side or crane his neck. He didn’t have to. He knew what he would see. A lonesome man, sitting unmoving in that corner, the smile gone, once more just staring without really seeing anything, but what his mental cinema and his memories provided.
“What are you thinking of, Daryl? What’s going on in your mind? You’re not happy, I can see that, and I know, I’ve done very little to change that. Are you thinking about leaving? Will I wake up one morning and find you gone?”
Rick wasn’t even surprised that the mere thought of Daryl not being with them .. with him any longer, hurt him profoundly. And he knew why.
“Rick?”
Azure blue eyes stopped staring right through the older woman and focused on her now.
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you, too”, Rick said determinedly to a surprised Deanna. “Let’s go over to your house.”
“Oh my”, she said with wide eyes, “that sounds serious.”
“It is”, he replied, her eyes even widening, because he said it with a smile.