Chapter Text
28th March 2024
“Cut!” Shawn Levy yelled, signaling a break. I sighed in exhaustion and let myself sink onto the floor.
“Are you already tired?” Noah walked toward me, his hair still a mess from the scene we’d just filmed.
I smiled at him tiredly and nodded.
“C’mon, Finn, it’s only 11 a.m.,” he laughed, stretching his arms out to me. I grabbed his hands, and he pulled me up.
“Thanks.” I met his eyes, but before he could smile back at me, I looked down at the floor.
“Hey, Noah, you did amazing in that scene.” Caleb walked over with a sandwich in his hand.
If only I could compliment him that casually…
“Finn—oh, hey, man! You were solid too.” He poked me with his gross, sandwich-stained finger.
“Get off me.” I pushed him away.
Noah was giggling. So was I.
I caught myself staring a second too long and immediately felt a pain in my chest.
Calm down, Finn. It’s just Noah.
But my palms were still sweating, and I felt Caleb’s glance hit me like a brick before I heard him walking away.
I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Earth to Finn.” Noah shook me out of my thoughts, our eyes meeting, his hands gripping my shoulders. “Are you alright, dude?” The last word gave me the same pain as before.
“C’mon, let’s get you to your trailer. We still have plenty of time until we have to film our next scene.”
He patted my back and led me to my trailer. I wouldn’t have minded him leading me my whole life.
I blinked hard, trying to find an excuse for why it suddenly felt so weird being next to Noah.
He’s always been my best friend, but this… this was different.
My stomach twisted as he sat me down on my bed.
“I don’t really feel well, Noah.”
He sat next to me, our knees brushing, eyes locking.
“Oh shit… is this one of your panic attacks?” Noah asked, worry written all over his face. I never wanted him to worry.
My breaths were shallow and uneven, my heart pounding like it wanted to escape. What was happening to me?
“Damn it. Let’s do some breathing exercises. You have some in your drawer somewhere, right?”
I nodded, my hand pressed to where my heart lies, as if I could stop it from running away. “Yeah… I don’t know which one, though. I barely use them anymore.”
Noah panicked a little, rifling through drawers, opening and closing them, making a mess. I smiled despite myself, but my skin started to burn with heat.
“Got it!” he exclaimed, holding up the exercise sheet.
He waddled over and sat on the edge of my bed.
“C’mon, Finn. You have to try this with me.”
My mind started imagining things as his hand rested lightly on my chest.
“It’s beating pretty fast,” he said with a small smile, trying to make me feel better. “But we got this.”
And somehow… it worked. It always had.
Though my heart was still pounding like a bomb waiting to explode, my head had stopped spinning. My knees wobbled at the side of the bed, but now Noah’s hand was resting there too. I skipped a breath.
“Hey-no, don’t do that. Follow me.”
I’d have followed him anywhere.
His green eyes were locked on mine, while mine wandered to his lips. I could have looked at them my whole life and never gotten tired. Not even a little.
“Your heart isn’t beating as fast anymore,” he said, making me shift my gaze back to his eyes.
“That’s… good,” I said, exhausted.
Noah smiled beside me. “Very good, yeah. You did so well.”
His compliments always came straight from his heart.
My head sank toward the ground, where Noah’s hand was still resting on my lap.
“Oh shit, sorry about that.” He swiftly pulled his hand away.
“Don’t worry… it’s-” My sentence failed as Noah interrupted me.
“Name three things you can see and feel in this room.”
My eyes must have turned into literal question marks. “Excuse me?”
“I heard it helps. At least it helped a friend of mine once.”
So this was just casual for him. Helping friends through panic attacks.
I looked around, trying to focus, but I could still feel his eyes on me. My room had never looked this empty.
“This is harder than it seems, actually.” I turned to face Noah, and he automatically looked down, caught staring.
“Try it, please.” Don’t beg. Please.
“Three things you can see? That’s easy!”
My knee started shaking, so I rested my hand there, remembering how it had felt before. My eyes wandered everywhere but the room.
“You. I see you.”
It sounded worse than I’d imagined. Stupid, even.
“Go on. I see you too.” He smiled warmly.
“I see your striped shirt. Blue and yellow.”
Noah glanced down at his shirt and nodded softly.
“And I see your lips. Does that count?”
I chuckled. So did Noah.
“I’d say it counts. For sure.”
The room fell quiet. I could hear the cast eating lunch outside.
No one dared to break the tension, our eyes locked on each other. Noah’s hand rested on my lap again. I flinched slightly as his cold hand touched my bare skin.
“You’re starting to get nervous again, Finn.”
I looked down at my knee, shaking.
“Name three things you can feel.”
I rolled my eyes. Not pissed at Noah, but at this stupid exercise he’d probably learned from some friend who’d mistaken nerves for a panic attack just to get close to him.
He softly pinched my arm. “Hey. It’s for the best, even if it pisses you off.” He cracked a warm smile.
“Sure.” My voice came out thin and shaky, barely a sound. I swallowed, then cleared my throat and tried again.
“I feel the air at my back. It’s cold.”
Noah sat beside me, nodding like a proud friend.
A friend. That’s what he is. And that’s what he’ll always be.
“Continue,” Noah whispered.
I looked around, but then I felt his hand on my chest.
“You don’t have to look for what you’re feeling,” he said softly. “Close your eyes.”
I did as he told me. Like always. My eyelids fell shut quickly, like they’d been waiting.
Nothing. Nothing I could tell him.
His hand on my chest. His eyes on me. My skin burning.
Suddenly, I gasped, my eyes snapping open.
“I can’t feel anything,” I said, my voice breaking.
“That’s bullshit,” Noah said quickly. “You can feel a lot. You just have to let it come to you.”
His voice made my chest crumble. What if I don’t want to feel this?
Finally, Noah took my hand, guiding it to his chest.
“That’s how it should beat, okay?”
I gulped. Eye to eye.
My head started to spin again. So did my stomach.
I couldn’t think of him like that. He was my best friend. He’d always been.
Friends help each other. Even if that help means touching during a panic attack. Right?
The door slammed open, ripping us out of the moment. We flinched, hands tearing away from each other on instinct, both of us turning toward the door.
“We’ve been looking for you guys for a while now! Your turn to film again!” Millie screeched excitedly, completely unaware of what she’d just interrupted.
Noah pushed himself off the bed, rubbing his sweaty palms down his jeans.
“Yeah, we’re coming.”
His voice sounded off. Too soft, too fragile, like this wasn’t easy for him either.
Millie was already gone, her voice fading as she talked to someone else. At least she didn’t find this suspicious.
Or was it just me?
Because Noah’s voice hadn’t sounded normal. Not at all.
I blinked, realizing Noah had already left the trailer.
All alone once again.