Work Text:
He dreads going to work, knowing he needs to face Matty.
Don’t get it wrong, not because Matty did anything wrong. Even if he didn’t wear his mask and acted cocky all the time, Flynn had absolutely no right to ever subject someone to that nightmare of a training.
He kept going back to that moment in his head. How close he was to telling Matty that he was his father, and how he didn’t. too much of a coward. How genuinely upsetting he found the idea of not being able to even for a moment be his dad. No clue if Matty would ever take him up on it, but the possibility is there, and however much he would deny that – in that situation he genuinely felt regret that it wouldn’t happen.
He needs to tell Matty one day. And he cannot look at him without all of his thoughts grinding to a screeching holt and spiraling out of his control again and again.
You need to tell him. He needs to know.
But he doesn’t need you in his life so why should you ever say anything?
Sarah didn’t want you involved for a reason, you sad, emotionally-stunted alchie, just like your father.
But if you don’t say anything he won’t have a full medical history and what if he ever needed a transplant? No one would ever tell you anything let alone test you. He’ll die because you chose to stay silent.
They come in fours most of the time, following their own morbid logic. He knows it’s the OCD and how to manage it, but it’s never easy.
So he doesn’t want to see Matty. He’s not spiraling like that when he’s focused on his patients and his work.
Besides, with his reputation, most people avoid him. He’s not the most sociable person in the ED. Matty would probably prefer to be around others.
Because he probably resents you for not being there when he was growing up.
He clenches his fists and wills those thoughts away.
It’s awful (no, breathe, it’s not awful, relax your jaw) when Matty approaches him with that coffee. His heart rate slightly raises whenever he sees Matty, no need to involve coffee to raise it even more.
“It’s the least I could do, especially after last week” Matty says, and offers some pastries.
No need to remind Dylan of last week. The memories of that shift echoed in his head every day since.
He tries to stop this bonding moment that he’s completely unprepared for, but it comes out a bit too fast and authorative. He moves the coffee to the table by them and put his hand on his hip as usual, and then buries himself in the file in front of him hoping that was the end of that.
“Okay.. I mean, I could go back and get you like a lemonade or..” and Dylan cuts him off curtly. “As I said we shouldn’t have anything like that in here” and after a beat tries to diffuse the situation “anyway it’s completely unnecessary thank you” he trails off into the file. Locking eyes with people is already somewhat of an issue for him, and staring into Matty’s is putting him on edge.
He’s very thankful that a patient was wheeled in right at that moment and put an end to that awkward conversation. Matty offered help. He can’t say no to him.
It looked like a pretty good case to hand off to a junior doctor so he let Matty take the lead here, trying to stay back and guide him should anything come up. Trying. He kept switching back and forth between the patient and his son. No. Dr Linlaker. Panic immediately surging inside. With that he told Matty to find him if he needed any help and left.
“Dr Keogh.”
“yes?”
“have I done something wrong?”
At that he balked.
“no” he softly replied
“It’s just.. it’s just that last week, it felt like you were on my side and now it feels like you don’t trust me..” he trailed off.
See, you’re withholding information, you’re lying to him now.
So Dylan just told him it’s not about sides, and to finish off with his patient, before quickly heading somewhere else.
Matty found him again in an hour or so outside, waiting for his new patient transported by ambulance. The few minutes he spends there waiting for new cases are a welcome break from the usual chaos inside. The air outside like a glass of cold water on a hot day. Matty said something about the patient’s attacker when the ambulance came in.
“I’m really trying here Dr Keogh.” Biological son or not, being a doctor in the ED is hard and he won’t get any breaks.
“Yeah, that’s your job”
“What’s going on with you?”
And Dylan wishes he could tell him and let go of this entire mess that wreaks havoc on his life.
Iain started listing off the details of his new patient, Irene, and he zeroes in on that instead.
Matty then assigns himself to the case as well, leaving Dylan behind to shake his head and follow them inside.
When Irene looks stable Dylan sends Matty back to cubicles. Matty follows him out the door and asks if they can have a talk.
Dylan is exhausted. Matty getting on his nerves the whole day by following him around.
“Just head back to cubicles please” he mutters, not turning to face him. He just can’t.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on”
“There is nothing going on, alright? There are patients everywhere. I can’t be expected to give you a pat on the back and a sticker every time you do a good job.”
With that he sharply turns on his heels and walks away
He gave Matty good, normal responses all day. They had some emotional distance but not too much, perfect for a professional mentor-mentee relationship at work. It ticked off every box in his head. But Matty couldn’t leave him to focus on his job. He was already on his way out of there when he heard Matty call out for him – “Dylan!”. Choosing to not use “Dr. Keogh” shattered some of that professional distance he was aiming for. He had to stop in his tracks as the thoughts spiraled again, his jaw tense.
Isn’t it weird he called his father by his first name?
No, he should’ve called out “daddy!”, right? He’ll never accept you as his father.
Sophia didn’t want you to be a father either.
You would make a shit father, just like your own. Just a sad, inept alcoholic. You couldn’t ever care for a child.
He clenched his fists for a second and turned to face Matty. And then immediately away, sparing a quick glance but not much. He just couldn’t afford to look at him now.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted last week… I was terrified. I thought I was going to die..”
“okay, okay, well, you didn’t” he gave him a small smile and started heading back towards the door.
Matty started walking back towards him and with the words “Do you know” Dylan stopped and felt the ground shaking.
He knows, he knows and knows that you’re also a liar
Not just an absent drunk father but also a liar
There’s a reason you don’t have any friends or family
If you weren’t a good doctor there would be nothing good to ever come out of you
“- how ashamed I feel? How embarrassed I am? D’ya know what it’s like to come back in here every day, I mean have you lost that much respect for me?”
Dylan slightly relaxed. “I haven’t.”
“You can barely even look at me!”
“I have patients mat-”
“is it because I got upset? Is that what it is?”
“of course not-“
“Just be honest! At least that way I know where I stand!”
“it’s not that” and he was all too aware of everything and nothing, stress building up on the edges of his eyesight and the tips of his fingers.
“well what is it?” he stared at him. “You flew off the handle with Dr Byron last week because of me. Not Kim, me, I was there. So what is it? What’s changed?”
He messed up. He shouldn’t have shoved Flynn and started this mess. Matty is so upset and he hates to see it and has no idea what he can do to stop this. It’s bigger than him if it’s affecting Matty so much.
If this were a better day he’s look back and try to see what social clues he missed, but it’s not, and he feels lost and drowning in emotions – both his and Matty’s.
With a smaller voice, his throat suddenly dry, he could only answer “Nothing”
Dylan could only stare blankly. Only a select group of people in his life could’ve read that stare for what it really was – a swarm of intrusive thoughts attacking him on the inside, while he was assessing the situation with half a mind and the other half busy with finding solutions and solving the issue. That’s what made him an excellent ED doctor – when personal matters weren’t involved – then that’s what made him unpredictable, scary at times, and so out of his element when he needed to sort out his own feelings. He hated being so out of control, his emotional side taking over and being a danger or a burden to others when that happens.
Matty looks about on the brink of tears. “You clearly care about something so, so, what is it? What have I done? What is it about me? Have I done something? Do you fancy me??”
Matty was an earthquake following him. Making him lose balance, control, the illusion of peace in a busy and chaotic emergency department. The infrastructure of his resolve shaking slightly with every time he sees him on the edge of his peripheral vision. And right now things were about to crash.
And it wasn’t Matty’s fault, not one bit. It was Dylan’s.
Something inside snapped.
“It’s me!”
He didn’t mean to yell. He didn’t mean to say it. Not here, not now. But he did.
He hates losing control.
Matty gave him a confused look.
“I’m your dad”
There. The truth is out there.
The thoughts swarm again and again, mocking him. For being an idiot, an ass, for being a selfish bastard. For being so desperate to be a father that he just had to say it even when he didn’t need to.
Jodie calls for him and says something about Irene. The cool and rational side of his mind clicks into action. Flips all of the switches for social polite norms and the work auto-pilot mode, telling Matty that they should talk about it later, and that he needs to go see a patient.
He’ll wish for the ground to swallow him whole when the shift’s over. There are patients that need him to be there, and so he will.