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"Rose." He's smiling at her like she hung the stars, so wide and adoring. But he doesn't get up from where he's sitting huddled against the TARDIS to run and meet her halfway, to sweep her into one of those hugs that separate her feet from the ground and swing her around.
Only then does Rose realise that something is wrong. Her run slows almost to a halt and the elated smile at finally finding him falters on her face. Instead of running the rest of the way to the TARDIS, like she still dearly wishes to, Rose approaches the Doctor cautiously, like she would a wounded animal.
Once she is standing over him, close enough to see the look on his face, she almost gasps. He's still smiling, but the way he's looking at her is so much like on that beach where he said goodbye to her- like he's committing her to memory while his hearts break. And in his eyes there is so much pain, more than on that day, more than she's ever seen in him.
"Doctor," she finally greets him back, fighting to keep her voice steady. It doesn't work. He doesn't remark on it, smiling at her almost beatifically now, eyes fixed unwaveringly on her with such mingled wonder and torment she can barely stand it. Doesn't he know that she's real? Why can't he tell?
Rose slides to sit on the ground, reaching out to him in hopes that feeling her touch will get through to him.
He flinches away from her and the only thing that keeps Rose from expressing the hurt that causes to bloom in her chest is the agony in every tense line of his body.
"Don't, Rose, it's," his eyes are welling up with tears and oh no, she hadn't meant to hurt him, "I don't deserve to dream of you anymore, I- I'm sorry."
"Doctor, you aren't dreaming," Rose pleads with him, feeling increasingly helpless. What happened to him? Surely this can't be just the result of losing her. He'd been holding himself together, last time she saw him. Grieving, but not so small and broken like this. And what does he mean, he doesn't deserve-
"Rose please, I know you can't really be here," he looks so resigned Rose's heart breaks all over again, "it's alright. Or well, it isn't. I really don't deserve-" his voice breaks and his eyes screw shut.
Rose can't resist the urge to pull him into her arms anymore. He practically collapses into it, into her, at first, but then he stiffens all over. Rose would have been content to hold him through this as well, just relieved to finally have him in her arms again, but then-
"N-no, Rose, please let go."
And so she does. Even though it breaks something within her and even though she has a feeling he might be asking for entirely the wrong reasons and against his own desires, she lets go. Because she could never stomach to do something to him against his will.
The Doctor curls into himself, sobbing and Rose almost regrets her choice, lost on how to comfort him without the ability to touch.
"Doctor? Can you please tell me what's wrong?" She asks as gently as she can, fighting her own urge to cry.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," is the only thing he keeps repeating.
"Doctor, please, I don't know what you're apologising for, but it's alright, I forgive you. I forgive you for everything. Please just let me help you," Rose's attempts at reassurance slip into pleading along with the rising tide of her helplessness. She never thought she'd see him like this. She never thought the Doctor could get like this.
"You wouldn't want to if you knew," it's a whisper of a confession, like he's resigned to it, like he's already accepted a rejection she's sure she isn't capable of delivering.
"Try me," Rose says, because if she believes in one thing, she believes in them.
"Rose, I, I did ev-everything wrong, I, you should just leave me," he's looking at her like she's the one who doesn't understand and it scares Rose, it does. But she'll have none of it.
"No Doctor, please don't say that, that can't be true," she says as firmly as she can while still being gentle, because the last thing she'd want was for him to think she's frustrated with him right now.
"I, I betrayed you."
Rose's breath catches, but she's quick to stamp down on her initial reaction and put on a brave face. This is about him now.
"You couldn't have done that, I wasn't even here," Rose takes reason as her approach because what more can she say, when she doesn't even know what he's supposedly done?
"But you don't understand! I, I've kissed people and that's not even the worst part, I've been awful and I should have done so much better, been someone you could be proud of, but instead I, I found someone new to travel with because I couldn't bear to be alone and Martha was so brilliant but she wasn't you and I didn't do right by her, she deserved so much better and you'd be so disappointed if you could see how I treated her and so she left and for a moment I wasn't the only Time Lord and I knew him but I couldn't save him and he killed so many people and still all I wanted was to keep him safe but he died in my arms and he's hurt me so badly but I still care for him and I couldn't do anything and then there was this ship and Astrid and she died for me and I kissed her."
It's so much for Rose to process. It's so much to take in even, and every word makes Rose feel more heartbroken for her Doctor. And makes it more clear that he's currently in no state to be telling this story.
"Doctor," she cuts in, taking the opportunity of his stopping for breath. He looks up at her like he's waiting for a verdict set to destroy him, fearful, desperate and pleading with barely any hope mixed in. Rose will not stand for it.
"I love you. I said I loved you and I still do and I always will."
The Doctor looks down with a shakey exhale. He doesn't believe her. Rose needs to make him believe her. She will keep showing him and telling him until he sees it. She'll stay by his side and make sure he gets the time and space to heal, Universe that just keeps throwing stuff at him be damned.
The stars can wait.