Work Text:
The day the Armed Detective Agency learned that Edgar Allan Poe owned horses was the day Doppo Kunikida nearly updated the employee handbook with a clause titled:
“No One Is Allowed to Own Anything Taller Than Me.”
It started, as most disasters did, with Edogawa Ranpo.
“You have horses,” Ranpo said, pointing an accusatory finger at Poe across the Agency office. “You’ve had horses this whole time and never told me?”
Poe, draped in black as usual and half-hidden behind his curtain of bangs, blinked slowly. “My dear Ranpo… I did not think it relevant.”
“Not relevant?” Ranpo’s glasses flashed dramatically. “You own giant grass dogs. That is always relevant.”
Dazai perked up from his desk. “Grass dogs?”
“Horses,” Atsushi supplied weakly.
Ranpo crossed his arms. “I want to see them.”
Poe tilted his head, expression softening in a way that made Kunikida immediately distrust the situation. “If you wish it, Ranpo, then the gates of my humble stable shall open for you.”
“Great! Field trip!”
“We are not—” Kunikida began.
“We are,” Fukuzawa said calmly, already standing.
And that was how the entire Armed Detective Agency found themselves at Poe’s countryside property two hours later.
---
The stable itself looked like it had crawled out of a gothic novel. Dark wood. Ivy creeping along the beams. Lanterns instead of modern lighting. A faint smell of hay and something floral.
And then they saw her.
She stepped from the shadows like a creature summoned by incantation.
A fully black Clydesdale mare.
Not dark brown.
Not deep bay.
Black.
Her coat swallowed the light. Red roses and black roses had been braided into her thick mane and tail, weaving through the long silken hair like something ceremonial. Her feathered hooves thudded softly against the stable floor.
She was enormous.
Kunikida slowly lifted his head.
Then lifted it more.
Then more.
“…She’s taller than me.”
“She is,” Poe confirmed gently.
Kunikida was 6’02.
The mare loomed above him.
“She’s magnificent!” Atsushi gasped.
“She looks like she’s about to curse someone,” Dazai said cheerfully.
“She looks like she could kick someone into the afterlife,” Yosano added approvingly.
Kenji beamed. “She’s so big!”
The horse flicked her ears and narrowed her eyes at the group of men.
Specifically at Kunikida.
Then at Dazai.
Then at Atsushi.
Her upper lip lifted slightly.
“She despises men,” Poe explained calmly.
Kunikida sputtered. “Excuse me?”
“She finds them… vexing.”
“That is an understatement,” Dazai muttered as the mare took one deliberate step toward Kunikida.
He stiffened.
“She won’t kick,” Poe assured. “Unless you deserve it.”
“That’s not comforting!”
Ranpo, meanwhile, was already at her side.
The mare lowered her head immediately, nudging him gently with her nose.
“Oh, she likes me,” Ranpo said smugly.
“She approves of you,” Poe corrected softly. “She finds you… harmless.”
“Harmless?!”
“She is pregnant,” Poe added, stepping forward with a small tin. “Her temperament has been… expressive.”
He opened the tin and held up a sugar cube.
The transformation was immediate.
The terrifying gothic beast turned into the embodiment of greed.
Her ears perked. Her eyes widened. She inhaled dramatically.
“You have got to be kidding me,” Kunikida muttered.
“She is quite fond of sugar cubes,” Poe said, holding it just out of reach. “But her true weakness…”
He reached into a small cooler and pulled out neatly cut cubes of Japanese musk melon.
The mare made a noise that could only be described as scandalized excitement.
“She goes feral for musk melon?” Atsushi whispered.
“She adores it,” Poe murmured. “It is her indulgence.”
The mare nearly climbed into Poe’s personal space.
He stroked her nose gently. “Patience, Lenore.”
The name seemed to echo through the barn.
“Lenore?” Atsushi repeated.
Ranpo grinned. “Of course you named her that.”
Poe pressed the melon cube to the mare’s lips. She devoured it with dramatic enthusiasm.
“She only tolerates me because I am her humble provider of delights,” Poe said solemnly.
“She looks like she’d step on you if you forgot,” Dazai said.
“She would.”
The mare flicked her tail and then—
She spotted Kunikida again.
Her ears flattened.
“Oh no,” Atsushi breathed.
Lenore took a slow, ominous step toward Kunikida.
He stood rigid. “I have done nothing to you.”
“She senses things,” Poe said thoughtfully.
“Like what?”
“Rigid patriarchy.”
Kunikida’s eye twitched. “I am not—!”
Lenore snorted.
Fukuzawa stepped forward calmly.
The mare paused.
They locked eyes.
There was a moment of silent evaluation.
Lenore blinked.
Then she lowered her head slightly in acknowledgment.
Kunikida stared. “What.”
“She respects him,” Poe said softly. “She senses… conviction.”
Ranpo snickered. “She can tell he’s a feminist.”
Kunikida looked like he wanted to die.
Kenji approached with wide, innocent eyes.
Lenore sniffed him.
Then gently pressed her forehead to his.
“She likes kids,” Poe explained.
“Why?” Dazai asked.
“They have not yet disappointed her.”
“That’s fair,” Yosano nodded.
---
And then—
From the rafters above—
A voice rang out.
“溺愛！”
Everyone froze.
Kunikida looked up.
A raven sat perched on one of the wooden beams, glossy black feathers gleaming.
It tilted its head.
“溺愛！溺愛！ランポ様ぁぁ〜！”
The entire barn went silent.
Ranpo blinked. “Did it just say—”
“Yes,” Yosano said slowly. “It did.”
The word echoed again.
“溺愛！依存！執着！”
Kunikida’s glasses flashed ominously as he turned toward Poe.
“…Why does your bird know words stronger than 愛してる.”
Poe looked mildly uncomfortable. “He is… perceptive.”
The raven fluffed its feathers.
“ランポ様だけぇぇ〜！”
Dazai burst out laughing.
Kunikida’s eye twitched violently. “Why is it declaring obsessive, drowning devotion.”
“I may have been… expressive… in private conversations,” Poe admitted.
“With a bird present?” Yosano asked.
“I did not realize he was listening.”
The raven cackled.
Then—
It said something so foul that time itself paused.
“I want to ruin you so completely that you can’t breathe without me!"
There was a split second of stunned silence.
Yosano and Dazai moved in perfect unison.
Yosano covered Kenji’s ears.
Dazai clapped his hands over Kyouka’s ears.
Atsushi turned bright red.
Kunikida’s glasses slid down his nose.
Fukuzawa closed his eyes.
Ranpo blinked slowly.
Dazai turned to Poe.
“You are a vile man.”
Poe looked genuinely flustered for once. “It was said in confidence—”
“To a bird.”
“I did not know he possessed such linguistic retention.”
The raven puffed proudly. “溺愛！溺愛！”
Kunikida adjusted his glasses sharply. “You are not allowed to use words implying pathological romantic fixation within workplace proximity.”
“I was not within the workplace.”
“You trained the bird!”
“I did no such thing,” Poe said defensively. “He merely absorbs the poetry of my soul.”
The raven leaned down from the beam.
“ヤンデレ〜！”
Dazai doubled over laughing.
Ranpo grinned wickedly. “You’re exposed.”
Poe straightened dramatically, one hand over his heart. “My affection for you, Ranpo, is pure.”
The raven made a deeply skeptical noise.
Then muttered another unspeakable phrase.
Yosano tightened her hand over Kenji’s ears.
“Absolutely not,” she said firmly.
Kunikida pointed at Poe. “You will retrain that bird immediately.”
“I cannot unteach truth.”
“THAT IS NOT TRUTH.”
Meanwhile Lenore had grown bored of the humans’ chaos.
She gently nudged Ranpo again.
Ranpo patted her nose. “You’re still my favorite.”
The mare shot a glare at every man present except Poe and Fukuzawa.
Dazai leaned toward Kunikida. “You know, it’s kind of beautiful. Poe owns a feminist warhorse and a yandere raven.”
Kunikida looked exhausted. “I am updating the handbook.”
“With what?” Atsushi asked weakly.
Kunikida took out his notebook.
“Section 12: Employees may not own—”
Lenore suddenly stomped once.
The entire barn shook.
Kunikida slowly lowered the notebook.
“…Anything taller than me.”
Lenore snorted in satisfaction.
Poe stroked her mane, carefully adjusting the roses. “She is sensitive,” he murmured.
“She’s dramatic,” Ranpo said.
“She is with child,” Poe replied solemnly. “And therefore entitled to theatricality.”
The mare leaned heavily against Poe’s shoulder.
He barely budged.
“She’s moody,” Dazai observed.
“She is a woman,” Poe said calmly.
Yosano smirked. “You’re on thin ice.”
“I speak with reverence.”
The raven chimed in again.
“溺愛！”
Kunikida glared upward. “Silence.”
The raven looked directly at him.
“童貞メガネ。”
Dazai collapsed onto a hay bale in hysterics.
Atsushi choked.
Yosano wheezed.
Kunikida’s soul left his body.
Fukuzawa calmly turned and walked toward the stable exit.
“I will wait outside.”
Lenore tossed her mane dramatically, roses swaying.
Ranpo beamed at Poe. “Best field trip ever.”
Poe gazed at him like he’d been handed the moon. “If it pleases you, then my estate exists for that purpose.”
The raven leaned forward.
“溺愛。”
Kunikida covered his face.
Dazai wiped tears from his eyes. “You really are a vile man.”
Poe gave a soft, dignified smile.
“For Ranpo,” he said in his Morticia-smooth cadence, “I would be far worse.”
The raven screeched in delighted agreement.
And Lenore, gothic queen of the stable, stomped approvingly.