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Hiyoko lifts her gaze from her notebook to the sight of a bouquet of roses, right beneath her nose. Sighing, she sets her pencil down and chews on her lower lip, considering if she even wants to accept it, or if she wants to keep up the silent treatment. The unfortunate thing about being in relationship to someone else, though, and in particular someone you really care about… is that you oftentimes need to make choices that don’t involve hurting one another repeatedly. Hiyoko is trying to get better about that, no matter how hurt she personally is feeling… so after a beat, she reaches out and accepts the bundle by the stems.
“Hiyoko-chan, I’m so sorry,” Mahiru says, bowing low once the peace offering is accepted. Her hands are fisted in the fabric of her uniform skirt, twisting in the brown. She’s clearly on the verge of tears, and Hiyoko knows already that she’s going to feel bad enough to forgive her, because if there’s anyone in the world Hiyoko can never stay mad at, it’s Mahiru, but…
She sighs and tugs at a piece of her hair, turning away. “Same as usual?”
“...Yes,” Mahiru admits. She takes her usual spot in the desk next to Hiyoko’s without lifting her head whatsoever. They haven’t seen each other since Friday afternoon, when Hiyoko triple checked their weekend plans before cutting Mahiru loose. Nothing complex or time consuming. Just a matinee and a lunch, something easy that she thought Mahiru would enjoy, that doesn’t push her into the role of photographer or peacekeeper… Hiyoko had seen the movie alone in the end and come away even more certain that Mahiru would’ve liked it. Figures, right?
This isn’t the first time she’s bailed though and won’t be the last, so Hiyoko sets down her peace offering bouquet of flowers and fidgets with the pretty orange ribbon that Mahiru used to tie them. Her favourite colour, of course. Despite her track record, Mahiru is everything you’d want in a good friend, as well as a good girlfriend. Reliable, attentive, compassionate. She knows things about Hiyoko that Hiyoko never knew about herself… she was there for Hiyoko in a time when everyone else was (rightfully) unwilling to give her a chance. Hiyoko’s grown since they got together, and she owes Mahiru for every bit of that.
She hates to be angry at her. She doesn’t think Mahiru gets how much this hurts her, not the disappointment itself, but the bitter resentment that reminds her of the person she’s trying so hard not to be, that boils in the pit of her tummy and makes her want to say hideous things the way she used to. She digs her nails into the seats of her palms instead, but it’s never enough, because hurting herself won’t make Mahiru show up to the plans they make together… Hiyoko’s starting to wonder what would.
“What was his problem?” Hiyoko sighs. Mahiru winces and presses against her temple.
“H-He went drinking again last night… He told me he wouldn’t overdo it, but I woke up to a mess…” Mahiru fidgets with the ribbon on her uniform. Hiyoko knows because she knows Mahiru that she’s understating it. Her father likely threw up all over and woke up hungover the way he usually does. And then Mahiru needed to look after him… because her mother’s never been around and Mahiru doesn’t have the kind of heart that allows her to say ‘no, I won’t be there to you’ to someone who is obviously in need.
Her father is so obviously in need. Pathetic and worthless, someone who is nasty and selfish and has never caused Mahiru anything but trouble, never supported her in any material way and never given her confidence in herself at a minimum, but Hiyoko doesn’t get anything out of hating him. It just sucks. It’s not like she can redirect that anger at Mahiru though… She loves Mahiru.
“That sucks,” Hiyoko admits. “I bet you wished you were at a movie with me, ehehe.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” Mahiru says immediately. “I—I know I say that every time, Hiyoko-chan, I swear, I don’t…” She winces and buries her head in her hands. She sounds like she’s about to cry. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could just… be better.”
Hiyoko is sure that she means it too, because Mahiru’s no liar. Not that she wishes she could assert boundaries with her useless father, because she loves him. And not that he was different, because she has too much compassion to try and change him. What Mahiru wants is to have her cake and eat it too: to juggle a billion plates without letting any of them loose. She has to prioritise her father, because it has been engrained in her… but also because she knows implicitly that Hiyoko will never leave her, not in a million years. If she fails to be there for her father one day, maybe she’ll lose him like that. Maybe he’ll drink himself into oblivion. Maybe she will no longer have someone to call ‘papa’, even if it’s in exasperation after he’s drunk himself ill.
It hurts more because Hiyoko knows what it’s like to lose a dad and would never wish that on Mahiru, would never ask to be put first. She swore when she was younger she wanted to be someone’s first priority… but she loves Mahiru too selflessly. She’s not sure how it happened. She just wants to see Mahiru smiling, the anguish on her face is too painful, and Hiyoko’s moving forward without thinking. Grabbing her hands and interlacing their fingers, squeezing to pull Mahiru from her self-deprecating thoughts.
She doesn’t ask: when will enough be enough? She doesn’t ask Mahiru why she’s never satisfied. She doesn’t tell Mahiru that she lacks self-respect. Whether or not Hiyoko feels this way or wonders these things is irrelevant. The love she feels is more powerful; it overwhelms her exhaustion completely.
“Make it up to me today?” Hiyoko asks, and nudges her binder with her elbow so the replacement tickets she grabbed on Saturday afternoon shift and catch the light. Mahiru’s teary green eyes flit to them, then back to Hiyoko with an affectionate glow that fills her chest with warmth. It’s all worth it to see that look. “You can buy me a corndog.”
“Okay,” Mahiru says, and cracks into a wobbly smile. Hiyoko smiles back at her, and she means it… She can’t remember the last time she faked a smile offstage. Not where Mahiru is concerned.