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February 2019
Cliff was ashamed to say that it was roughly two thirds of the way through the season before most of the team realized that their captain was no longer picking up women.
In their defense, Roz still joined them at the clubs. Celebrating wins and commiserating losses. Sure it was a little unusual that he seemed to spend less time on the dance floor and more time at the bar or a table. But he would still vanish at some point in the evening and if asked the next day he would usually laugh and say he’d had something more exciting waiting for him. There would be some laughs and maybe a few back slaps and the conversation would move on.
But now they were on day seven of nine on the road and one of the rooks was complaining over a hotel breakfast about how much he was missing his girl. The vets were nodding and commiserating, while the other rookies were heckling and the last thing anyone expected was for their captain to chime in.
“Yes is very hard. But easier today with FaceTime and text than it used to be. Is important to show that they are priority. Create a schedule. Pick time for check-in. And then you must follow through. Always. It will not be the same, but it shows you care. You make effort and demonstrate that they are a priority.”
The group quieted. Some had mouths hanging open, others looking at Roz like he’d grown a second head.
“And this advice comes from your extensive history with relationships Cap?” Carmichael asked, clearly not sure if he should be confused or sarcastic.
Roz tilted his head to the side as if acknowledging a point. “So far it works well for us. I have heard no complaints.”
“Wait,” Cliff cuts in. “You’re actually in a relationship? You? Master of the hit and run?”
If anything, Roz seems confused by Cliff’s confusion. “Yes? For a while. Though I guess we only agreed exclusive over the summer.”
“With fucking who?!” St. Simon spits, he’s practically vibrating in his seat. “And why the hell didn’t you tell us man?!”
“You have known,” Roz says. “Most of you have made fun before.”
“Hell no,” Cliff chimes in. “We fucking did not know Roz. You’ve never even done repeats except for…wait…Montreal Girl?! You and Montreal Girl are fucking exclusive?!”
“Yes,” Roz responds and there is a long pause while the team waits for him to elaborate and he just takes a drink of his coffee instead.
“Back the fuck up. Who the fuck is Montreal Girl?” That sounded like Hammersmith, but Cliff seems unable to tear his eyes away from Roz who is still drinking his coffee as if he hasn’t dropped a bomb in the middle of a hotel lobby.
“This chick that Roz always hooks up with when we play in Montreal. Carmichael, didn’t you see her name on his phone once?”
“Jane,” Carmichael breathes. “You guys have been hooking up for like, forever.”
“Yes,” Roz finally speaks again. “Jane. Jane and I hook up for a long time. Then it becomes more.”
“But all those times you left the clubs and said you had something more exciting?” The rookie who started all this asks.
“I told you, schedule. I go out with team, but then we call. Text in morning, call at night. It is good. And more exciting than watching you all get drunk try to dance.”
Cliff feels as though a hundred more questions are trying to claw their way out of his throat, but before anyone gets a chance Roz stands up. “That is enough about that. Finish and gather your gear. We leave for airport in fifteen minutes.”
The rest of the team exchange looks as Roz strides away. Cliff clocks him pulling his phone out of his pocket as he rounds a corner, headed towards the elevator. Slowly guys turn their attention back to their food or stand to make their own way to their rooms to collect bags. Cliff shakes his head as he leans back in his chair and picks up his own coffee. This is not over.
* * *
March 2019
It’s not until two weeks later that it came up again. They’d been grinding through games, travel, practice, but they finally had two days off in a row and Roz had invited them all over for an afternoon. Three hours in most of the family guys had taken their leave. There was still a huddle of rookies gathered around the entertainment system battling over some video game that Cliff had only vaguely heard of. Cliff was nursing a beer in the kitchen with Roz, Carmichael, St. Simon, and Hammersmith. Amazingly, he wasn’t even the one to bring it up.
“So Roz,” Hammersmith broached. He was clearly trying to seem casual, but his eyes were a little to focused on his bottle and avoiding looking at anyone else. “I hadn’t heard you talk about Jane before. How long have you two been together?”
Roz cocked an eyebrow and Cliff could already feel the sarcasm building, but surprisingly what came out was rather serious.
“Years. Hooking up at first. Then it becomes more. But neither of us want to admit this. It was supposed to be simple. And then it became very not simple. We did not talk about it for a long time. Which did not always go so well. We would only see each other for short while. Hit and run as Marly say. But then we text more. And when my father died there were calls. And then over summer I decide not to go back to Russia. We get together. We talk. We decide this is more. This matters.”
“That’s deep Roz,” St. Simon says. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”
Roz shrugs. “For many people I do not have it. But Jane is special.”
“It must suck. Not seeing her very often,” Carmichael comments.
“Yes and no.” Roz takes a drink from his beer and glances over his shoulder. Shouting erupts from the TV and he turns back, clearly satisfied that the rooks are still engaged in their game.
“It would be good to see Jane more, but already this is better. We spent years pretending we didn’t matter. To know now that Jane feels the same. That this is important to both of us, that we both care. And we both commit. When we are together, no time is wasted. When we talk or text, we are focused on each other. We are together even though we are apart. And that is better than being in the same place and lying to each other.”
“So what’s the plan?” Cliff asks. “Is she going to move down to Boston?”
“No. We have talked, but we both have very important careers. Right now neither of us want to leave them. For now we do this. Sometimes I am in Montreal. Sometimes Jane comes to Boston. And we have the summer. For now, it is enough. If it changes, we will talk. But we both love our jobs and love each other. I think it will work. And if it changes, we will talk.”
Carmichael lets out a low whistle. “Love?”
“Yes,” Roz nods.
“I’m really happy for you man,” Cliff says. Honestly, he feels a little choked up, though he’d die before admitting it. The other’s echo him and there is a sudden clatter and crash from the other room.
Roz turns sharply and strode away, already promising sprints at the next practice for anyone who broke anything.
Cliff exchanges a look with the others in the kitchen. “It’s weird,” Hammersmith says, “but what about Roz isn’t.”
Cliff can’t help but agree.
* * *
September 2019
They don’t end up playing in Montreal again until the next season. It’s very satisfying to edge out a 3-2 win and spirits are high in the visitor locker room after the game. Cliff is only half listening to the argument going about what club they should hit up. As long as it has booze, he’s ok with it. Suddenly, St. Simon calls out “Hey Cap, which place would your girl prefer?”
Roz, who had already showered and changed and was hunched over his phone, tapping away, looks up with a frown. “Probably neither. Why would this matter?”
“We want her to have a good time of course! Does she have a different recommendation?”
“Jane would not have a good time. Jane does not like clubs.”
“A bar then?”
“Why are you asking this? Jane is not coming.”
A chorus of groans echos around the room.
“Come on Cap!”
“We wanna meet her!”
“Stop hiding her, come out and have some fun.”
“We’ll be nice!”
Roz looks a bit taken aback and Cliff feels a smile form on his face at seeing his normally unshakable captain struggling with a clamor of hockey players pleading to meet his girlfriend.
“I see all of you way too much. I see Jane almost never. There is no way I am sharing Jane time with you.”
Cliff decides to chime in. “C’mon Roz. You’ve been together for years and we know practically nothing about this girl. For fucks sake you’ve never even showed us a picture or told us her last name. She’s important to you and you’re important to us so we want to meet her!”
Roz seems to pause and consider and Cliff feels a bit of hope, but then Roz shakes his head.
“Jane is private. We are private. This team is important to me. You all are important to me. I tell you I love you and I mean it. But you all know there are things I do not share. Things I do not talk about. I have already told you more about Jane than I have told anyone else. I think it will be a long time before we share more.”
“Doesn’t that make it harder though?” Carmichael asks. “You don’t see her much. You don’t talk about her much. Keeping so many secrets seems lonely.”
“I think most people have secrets. I think most people keep secrets from many people. But I have someone now that I have no secrets with. And keeping that is worth keeping secrets from others,” Roz’s phone lit up and he glanced down at it, then picked up his bag. “I will see you all tomorrow. Flight at 10am,” and strode out of the locker room.
Slowly the general murmur of conversation returned, but it was clear that some of the high from the win had worn off. Several guys who’d previously been talking about hitting the town were commenting that maybe they’d just go back to their rooms instead. Cliff was willing to bet that a lot of WAGs would be getting calls tonight.
* * *
March 2020
Carmichael was out on IR for three games and they’d called a guy named Pierce up from the AHL to fill in. Cliff was really glad this tomorrow was the last game and Carmichael would be back in two days cause Pierce was definitely getting on his last nerve.
Cliff didn’t think badly of the guys in the lower leagues. Professional sports were tough and most guys that got called up were nervous but polite. They knew that a good impression could make a big difference for more opportunities for them in the future and worked hard for the short time they were around. But this guy would not stop running his mouth. He clearly had a chip on his shoulder felt he deserved more than he’d gotten. He wasn’t untalented, but Cliff would bet that his attitude alone was keeping him stuck. Not that Cliff was going to be the one to tell him that.
Yesterday, an interview of Scott Hunter had been released and in it, Scott had announced his engagement. When Scott had come out, Cliff’s teammates had shown expressions of surprise, but no one had been an outright ass about it. If anyone had had strong negative feelings, they’d kept it to themselves. Roz had come down hard on that type of talk years ago, shortly after making Captain and Cliff had been glad the team had mostly chosen to ignore it.
Cliff figured this announcement probably would have gone mostly unremarked if it wasn’t for Pierce.
Practice didn’t start for another 40 minutes, so the locker room was only half full when Pierce strode in and swung his bag onto the bench next to Hammersmith, who twitched and slid sideways a bit to put more distance between them.
“God, did you all see that announcement from the washed up faggot?”
Most of the guys stopped what they were doing. Some turned to look at Pierce, dumbfounded expressions on their faces. The rest turned to look at Roz, who was sitting 3 stalls down from Cliff. He had his compression gear on, but hadn’t started pulling on pads or skates. Roz had been tapping on his phone, but now his fingers were still. He didn’t look up though as Pierce continued.
“I’m so goddamn tired of all these fucking fairies who think they can play hockey. I’m fucking glad there’s nothing like that here and I hope I get to knock some of his fucking teeth out tomorrow. Probably be easier for him to suck cock without teeth in the way.”
Cliff could feel the tension ratchet up. The air was suddenly so thick he felt like he could choke on it. From the corner of his eye, he saw Roz raise his head and look at Pierce.
“You are wrong.”
Pierce turned towards Roz, seemingly oblivious to the mood of the room. “What?”
“It is much harder to suck a dick without teeth. More irregular shape creates more edges. More likely to catch and hurt. Though I imagine that would still be an improvement for you, as I cannot imagine anyone with a full set of teeth wants to have your dick anywhere near their mouth.”
Pierce’s face went red with anger. Cliff felt like he was watching a car wreck and couldn’t look away.
“What the fuck did you say to me?!” Pierce demanded, taking an angry step towards Roz.
Roz twisted to put his phone up in his cubby and then faced back towards Pierce. He continued as if Pierce hadn’t spoken.
“You are also wrong that there is nothing like that here.”
Pierce sneered, “You let a fag on this team? Fucking disgraceful. They bring down a whole team”
“It is not let. It is run. Hunter has led his team to a cup. And I have led this team to one as well. I would not say that is bringing down. I think the only one brining this team down is you. Your performance allowed two goals to get by in the last game. I was already planning to discuss with management today that I think we would be better a man down than with you on the ice. I think this will help solidify that message.”
Cliff felt his breath catch and Pierce went purple. Pierce lunged for Roz, but Roz was one of the best fighters in the league, both on and off the ice. Pierce was on the ground before the rest of the team started moving. As he went to stand, arms grabbed him and pulled him back.
Roz flexed his hand, and nodded to Hammersmith and St Simon, who both had a hold on Pierce. “Take him to the medic. I’ll talk to Coach.”
Pierce continued to spit slurs as he was hauled away. The rest of the team was quiet.
“Roz? Something you want to share?” Cliff asked carefully after the sounds from Pierce had faded.
Roz glanced around the room, meeting the eyes of each of his teammates. No one looked away. He shrugged.
“Is part true. I like both. Don’t think that’s ever had any effect to how I play on the ice or lead this team. Should not be an issue, No?”
“No Cap!” One of the rookies announced, and the rest of the team echoed him, turning back to their pre-practice .
Cliff stood up and clapped Roz on the shoulder. “That guy was really getting on my nerves. You’d best go tell Coach now so we can work up a strategy for tomorrow during practice.”
Roz nodded and headed for the door. Cliff turned back to his locker and continued to gear up. Practice was already looking up.
* * *
September 2020
They were getting on a plane for their first game of the season in Toronto and Cliff thought his eyes were about to pop out of his head. Roz was in front of him and had just pulled his passport out of his pocket, except it wasn’t the red cover with Cyrillic lettering Cliff had seen dozens of times. It was blue and had ‘Canada’ stamped in gold across the top.
Roz was three ahead of him in line, so Cliff couldn’t just grab his arm and demand an explanation. And when they got on the plane, it turned out he was eight rows back. He spent the two hour flight feeling like he was going to explode. It felt like people were deliberately taking their sweet time pulling luggage out from the overhead bins, and by the time he escaped the tube, he was just in time to see Roz follow the sign for ‘Citizens’ at customs. Before he could dart after him, one of the team managers waived him towards one of the ArriveCAN lanes.
Grinding his teeth, Cliff rushed through the kiosk and would later be somewhat amazed they didn’t flag him for extra searching. He probably seemed erratic. But finally he was through and saw Roz leaned against a wall, seemingly scrolling on his phone, while waiting for the rest of the team.
“What the fuck was that?!” Cliff demanded once he was close enough that he didn’t have to shout.
“What the fuck was what?” Roz asked, not even bothering to look up.
“You fucking forget to mention you’re fucking Canadian all of a sudden?”
That did make Roz look up, the the look of mild bewilderment on his face was highly unsatisfying.
“I told management a month and a half ago.”
“And you didn’t think of fucking mentioning it to the rest of us?! How the hell did you even become Canadian? You live in fucking America!”
Roz tensed and straightened up. He slipped his phone in his pocket and reached up to the collar of his shirt. He pulled out the gold cross necklace that Cliff had never seen him be without. Cliff remembered that during Roz’s rookie year a teammate, long since traded, had commented that Roz didn’t seem like the religious type. At the time, Roz decked him, but quietly admitted to Cliff two days later that it had belonged to his mother. Cliff had clapped him on the shoulder and proceeded to help deflect all comments and questions about it from others since.
Today, hanging on the gold chain wasn’t just the Russian Orthodox Cross, but also a plain gold ring.
Cliff felt like someone had dumped a gallon of ice water over his head.
“Did you…? Are you…?” He didn’t know how to force out the question. He knew Roz was serious about this girl, but married?!
“Yes,” Roz said quietly. He tucked the necklace away back under his shirt.
Cliff felt like someone had cut his legs out from under him. “I thought we were friends.”
Roz jerked like he’d been electrocuted, but Cliff barely noticed. Roz had always been different. That was part of what made him Roz and what Cliff loved about him. The guy was prickly as a porcupine and as course as sandpaper, but Cliff thought he knew him well enough to know that all of those edges were protecting a marshmallow interior. Everything with Jane had supported that. And Cliff had honestly thought they were friends. Yeah Roz had secrets, but like he’d said, everyone had secrets. And he’d shared things over the years. Personal things. Cliff had thought he probably knew Roz better than anyone else except probably Svetlana and Jane.
He hadn’t held a grudge that Roz didn’t mention that he and Jane had turned serious. Cliff had known about Jane for years, which was more than some. And he’d understood why Roz didn’t share that he was bi. They were hockey players and the league was still not very welcoming. Cliff thought it was brave that Roz had brought it up when he did. But if Roz had gotten married. Married without saying anything, and not just when it happened, but if Roz had an updated passport and had told management, God, a month and a half ago. Maybe Cliff had been wrong. Maybe he didn’t know Roz at all.
“Marly!” A hand clapped down on his shoulder and Cliff’s eyes focused on Roz standing right in front of him now. He looked worried.
“Marly. We are friends. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I have become too used to not saying things that then I forget to share things that matter. It is not because you do not matter to me though. It is because some things are not mine alone to tell and because while I still had Russian passport there was a chance that things could go bad. Could be dangerous. For me. And so I am hiding and used to hiding and now that I am safer, I forget. It is habit. But I do not want you to think I do not care.”
Cliff nods numbly. That makes sense. Well, actually it didn’t. Cliff has no idea what could be dangerous about getting married. Maybe Jane was some daughter of a Russian mob boss? But Cliff could acknowledge that Roz usually had a reason for most of the things he did. Even if a lot of people couldn’t see what that reason was.
“Ok man. Ok. I just, I would have wanted to celebrate with you. I know how much she means to you and I would have wanted to be there and support you. I know if I ever get married I’d want you there for me.”
Roz’s face softened in a way Cliff had never seen before. “I would be honored Marly. And I wish you could have been there to celebrate with us too. It was just the two of us. No one else. So do not feel that other’s made the cut above you.”
Cliff nodded. That helped. He rubbed a hand over his face and was surprised when it came back damp. Roz cursed.
“I am sorry Marly. I will talk to Jane. We will see. Maybe. We will talk.”
Suddenly Cliff was engulfed in a hug. He hugged back.
* * *
October 2020
They’d lost 2-4 to Montreal at home tonight. The locker room was fairly subdued as men showered and packed up their gear. Losses to Montreal always hit a little harder, especially on home ice. There was a general murmur, but no loud or excited plans. They had the day off tomorrow and Cliff was looking forward to a beer and sleeping in as recovery.
He was just shoving his shirt in his bag when Roz nudged his shoulder. “Come over?”
Cliff raised his brows, but nodded. Roz rarely socialized after Montreal games, but the last few weeks had clearly been trying to make more of an effort. They’d grabbed coffee together a few times and Roz had invited him over last week to watch a Pats game. He finished packing up and followed Roz out of the locker room.
Roz always liked to drive like he was the subject of a high speed chase, so even though they left the arena together, Roz’s car was almost cold by the time Cliff pulled into his driveway. He left his stuff in his car and wandered in, calling out, but not bothering to knock. He got an answering shout that sounded like it came from Roz’s bedroom. Cliff made a beeline for the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. Not for the first time he took note of the row of ginger ale. Roz always stocked it, but Cliff had never seen him drink it.
Moments later Roz joined him in the kitchen. He’d changed into sweats and a tee. Cliff felt only slightly awkward still in his the shirt and pants from his game-day suit. Maybe he should have gone home to change first. Roz grabbed a beer out of the fridge for himself and as Cliff opened his mouth to finally ask about the mystery of the ginger ale, a pair of headlights splashed across the window as another car turned into Roz’s driveway.
Cliff frowned, he hadn’t heard Roz invite anyone else. He glanced at Roz, who looked down and shifted his weight.
“I talked to Jane,” Roz said, not quite meeting Cliff’s eye. “We agreed. I hope…I hope you will not be mad.”
Cliff glanced towards the lights in the window and then back at Roz. He opened his mouth, paused, and then said, “You’re my friend Roz. I don’t know what’s happening, but I don’t see that changing.”
Roz straightened, looking like someone had just lifted a weight off of him. He nodded and finally met Cliff’s eyes.
Before Cliff could think of anything else to say, the headlights were moving again. Backing away this time, and he could hear the door swing open.
Cliff was really not sure what he was expecting to happen, but Shane Hollander walking in was probably the last thing on the list. Cliff could feel his mouth hanging open as his eyes tracked Hollander’s path into the kitchen. He came to a stop next to Roz, looking at him, and then turning to look at Cliff.
“Marlow,” he nodded.
Cliff managed to close his mouth with a click and nodded back. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to speak if he even tried.
Roz fidgeted and turned towards the fridge. He pulled out one of the ginger ales and put it down in front of Hollander. Hollander gave him a smile and cracked it, then took a sip. The he turned back to Cliff.
Cliff looked to Roz. Then at Hollander. Then back to Roz. “Uhhh, what?” he finally managed.
Roz shifted again, then he reached out and wrapped an arm around Hollander’s waist. Hollander leaned into him, but kept his eyes on Cliff. He looked braced for a blow.
“Marly, this is Shane. But you know him as Jane.”
Like pieces of a puzzle, it all started to click into place. Jane. Montreal Girl. Jane and I hook up for a long time. Then it becomes more. This matters. And we both commit. We are private. I like both. Could be dangerous. For me. I will talk to Jane. We will see.
Holy fuck.
In true Roz fashion, he’d been telling them all the time without telling them anything. It could have been career ending. It could have been dangerous. It still could be. And they didn’t need to justify themselves to anyone. They had each other and that’s what mattered. But Roz was saying that Cliff mattered too. He’d been saying it all along.
Cliff gave a bark of a laugh an was around the counter grabbing up Roz and Hollander in a bear hug together. Hollander let out an oomph and Roz let out a cackle.
Cliff couldn’t wait to hear more.