Work Text:
I walk around with a quiet thing in my chest
that watches before it speaks.
It notices how light moves through a room
and where it chooses to stop.
Sometimes it stops on a person
who doesn’t seem afraid of being seen,
who stands like they belong
even when no one says they do.
Todd lets his pencil drop from his hand.
He rubs his eyes; they feel heavy and dry. He blinks hard and squints at the clock, trying to calm the burning in his eyes.
“Twelve thirty already?” Even his internal monologue sounds exasperated.
“All that time and I’ve only came up with this rubbish, that’s all it is—it’s pointless. Pointless.”,
Todd mumbles, rambling under his breath, as to not wake Neil; who’s currently sprawled out in bed, his covers slowly being abandoned on the floor.
Todd crumples the poem, shoves it in his drawer, and decides that’s enough for tonight.
Making his way over to his bed, he turns when he hears a soft snore from Neil.
His gaze softens as he looks at Neil, mouth slightly open, hair a mess against the pillow.
Carefully, he pulls the covers up from the floor, beside Neil’s bed, and drapes them over him.
Finally, he exhaustively moves back to his bed, and hopes Neil doesn’t kick his covers off again in his sleep. Otherwise, he’ll have to deal with a cold, grumpy Neil the next morning.
Neil bursts through the door of his room, beaming, expecting to see Todd.
Only there’s no Todd, and Neil’s no longer beaming.
Class is over and the sun is gleaming between the curtains;
Neil slumps down into Todd’s chair, tired, wishing Todd was sat there instead.
Recently Todd has been spending time after class in the library, and Neil can’t help but feel Todds slowly distancing himself from him.
He hastily pushes that thought to the back of his mind, that’s something he’d rather not dwell on.
Neil knows Todd, he knows he leaves things left unsaid, and tends to overthink about what others may think of him. On the contrary, Todd doesn’t know Neil — or rather, he does know Neil, quite a lot actually, but not Neil’s feelings — about him, anyway.
He’s not aware Neil actually enjoys his company, let alone yearns for it. Especially after a long day of lectures.
However it’s not like Neil doesn’t show his affection, frankly his adoration for him is quite obvious; well, to everyone except Todd.
Neil sits, lost in thought, looking for an answer as to why Todd may be avoiding him.
“Was it something I said? Something I did?”
Neil’s thoughts are racing with different possibilities, he just needs something, something, that could point him in the right direction as to why Todd would suddenly want all this distance from him.
Neil sighs, overwhelmed with worry.
He looks around the room, attempting to ground himself,
and is again met with the light gleaming between the curtains.
“Maybe I should go outside and meet with the group, they might have an idea on what’s bothering Todd.”
Neil’s hopeful that the others could’ve picked up on something he missed, though it’s unlikely,
no one knows Todd better than he does.
As he stands, the edge of his elbow brushes the desk. A book shifts. Something slips free and flutters to the floor.
It’s a single sheet of paper, folded once, slightly crumpled.
He straightens it, but as he’s about to read the first verse he hesitates.
“Well, it’s not hidden. If Todd didn’t want anyone to see it… He would’ve put it away.”
Neil internally justifies the decision to himself, and begins the first lines, reading carefully.
I walk around with a quiet thing in my chest
that watches before it speaks.
Neil pauses.
“That watches before it speaks”
Neil repeats to himself.
This line in particular sticks out to him. It feels very, well, Todd.
But most concerningly, Neil thinks, it feels lonely.
At least, that’s how Neil views it.
It notices how light moves through a room
and where it chooses to stop.
Sometimes it stops on a person
who doesn’t seem afraid of being seen,
Neil’s eyes linger there. Doesn’t seem afraid, he thinks. That doesn’t sound like Todd.
“Who is this person, and why is Todd dwelling so much on them?”
Neil feels a pang of jealousy, then guilt. He shouldn’t feel this way, but he can’t help the worry swarming through him.
He still can’t quite decipher the poem, still seemingly left unfinished. However after closely reiterating each line, he concludes Todd must be struggling with confidence, loneliness, or perhaps someone he admires?
The final thought leaves a sick feeling in his stomach, but he pushes it down and focuses on the real priority; finding Todd and making sure he’s okay.
As soon as Neil heads for the door, Todd walks in.
He greets Neil with a soft smile, but then his gaze lowers to the page in Neil’s hand, and his smile falters.
Neil notices the change in Todd’s expression and begins to explain,
“Hey, I was just about to go find you. I uh… found that sheet on your desk. I didn’t mean to—”
Neil gestures vaguely,
“—but I read the first lines.”
Todd begins to panic internally. However, Neil’s expression is soft; and he doesn’t feel like he’s being cornered.
Neil’s gentle demeanor helps Todd compose himself.
“I-it’s… it’s nothing. Really, it’s… just some late night scribbles.”
Todd fidgets, eyes darting around the room, looking for something to change the subject.
Neil senses Todd’s discomfort, he sees his hands fidgeting, he wants to still them with his own, to hold Todd’s hands in his, but that can’t happen.
“It’s okay… I just… I wanted to understand. I thought maybe you’re dealing with something? I—“
Neil sighs,
“I just want to be sure you’re alright.”
Neil gently steps closer, his face full with concern and curiosity.
For a moment, Todd feels seen. He knows Neil means no harm, and he’s thankful for his obliviousness to any romantic context, but he can’t say anything. Not yet. Not now.
“I said it’s nothing. Really. Don’t worry about it.”
Todd quirks a small smile, and Neil reciprocates.
He notices his hesitation but he doesn’t want to keep prying, he decides to respect Todd’s feelings.
“Alright… I’ll let it go… for now. But, if you want to talk, I’m here.”
The night ends with Neil first to be asleep again, mouth agape, hair a mess, and likely to wake up cold the next morning from lack of covers.
Todd however has a lot on his mind, and many mixed feelings to debate, he won’t be getting much sleep.
The next morning, Todd sits quietly in class. His notebook sits open in-front of him, untouched, yesterday afternoon still lingering in his mind.
“Poetry, boys, is a way to tell the truth about yourself, without fear. Sometimes the words aren’t finished, sometimes you stumble, but putting the words down, even imperfectly, is what matters.”
Todd’s head slowly raises from the blank pages on his desk, and he pays closer attention to Mr. Keatings lesson.
“Speak before you let your fear decide for you. Step forward, even if it’s only a tiny step. One word, one line, one truth at a time.”
Todd shifts in his seat and lets Mr. Keatings words really sink in. He begins to think about what Neil said to him yesterday, his soft expression, and the unfinished poem still waiting for him on his desk.
The bell rings and before he takes off to his dorm he stops for a moment to stare at Neil laughing with the group.
The sunlight bathing Neils hair, the gleam in his eyes, his ability to effortlessly make the entire room burst with laughter.
Todd smiles, this was the final push. He knows what he must do.
Neil just cracked a joke that sent the entire group laughing, and in that moment he’s overjoyed. Until, he notices something’s missing — or, someone’s missing.
“Uh — actually, guys, I’ve gotta go…”
Neil stammers, quickly trying to form an excuse so he can get to Todd as soon as possible.
“Aww cmon, you’re not seriously gonna start on homework already, are you? We’ve got all weekend!”
Charlie lets out, exasperated.
The rest of the group nod in agreement, all muttering their own excuses for Neil to hang around for a little longer; but Neil doesn’t budge.
“Er, I’m sorry guys maybe next time — but I’ve really got to go. You know what my father would do if I got anything below a B on my report card.”
Neil says, shrugging, while hastily making his way out the door.
He reaches the door to his dorm, hoping he got to Todd in time before he went off to the library. He’s still worried, and is tired of Todd brushing it off and being distant.
He walks in, and is immediately relieved to see Todd sat at his desk; straightening a sheet of paper.
Todd looks up at Neil, and flashes him a shy smile.
“Hey, I’m glad you’re here, it’s perfect timing.”
Todd manages to get out, before the anxiety of what he’s about to reveal finally sets in.
“The poem. I finished it…Here, do you wanna read it?” Avoiding eye contact, he hands the paper to Neil.
Neil, who’s completely taken aback by such an offer, gratefully accepts the invitation and gently grabs the page.
Carefully, he begins reading the last two stanzas.
I thought I could just watch and not say anything
that being quiet would be enough
but some things get heavier
the longer you pretend they aren’t there
If I ever speak the truth
if I ever stop hiding
it will be because of you
because you make it impossible not to
Neil pauses.
Because you make it impossible not to…
He rereads the last line twice, and his heart quickens.
“It’s… it’s about me.” Neil thinks to himself, everything finally clicking.
Todd reads Neil’s expression and begins to panic.
“Oh no.. he looks completely stunned— no, he’s horrified!”
His thoughts start racing, already forming wild possibilities.
“I — I should go.”
Todd abruptly calls out as he hurries out the door.
Neil, still processing the poem, takes a moment to realize why Todd would possibly need to leave in such a hurry.
“Wait — Todd!”, Neil calls out, but Todd’s already past the hallway and going down the flight of stairs, making his way out of Welton.
It’s beginning to turn dark, if Todd looks closely he can see the formation of stars.
It’s also cold, practically freezing, but that’s not the reason why his hands are shaking.
Todd’s finds himself back on the same stone bridge he sat on the night of his birthday, teary eyed, with the same desk set he receives every year.
Moments from that night flashes through his mind.
The moon catching Neil’s hair as he laughed.
The same meaningless desk set he’s received countless of times.
Neil had picked it up, looked at him, and in that quiet, teasing way that made Todd’s chest ache, hurled it into the water.
Todd could recite exactly what Neil had said to him that night, even now.
“You don’t deserve the same thing every year. You’re supposed to do something — make something — with your life.”
“Neil,” he calls softly, barely more than a whisper.
Neil steps onto the bridge, his face full with concern and warmth — even in the cold of night.
“Todd! Wait! Don’t run away.”
Todd spins around, locking eyes with the brunette boy infront of him. Words tumble out before he can stop them.
“I—I shouldn’t have given it to you! I’m sorry, I just— I..”
He trails off, mumbling incoherent excuses.
Neil moves closer, he’s entirely steady and full of patience; in contrast to Todd’s frenzied panic.
“Todd… it’s okay. I wanted to read it. I’m glad you gave it to me.”
Neil looks down at Todd and his shaky hands, and instinctively holds them in his own.
His eyes soft and low, his smile warm.
Todd’s at loss for words. He attempts to get a plausible explanation out, something, anything.
Him and Neil are merely inches apart, Neils hands are warm and steady, and he couldn’t possibly utter a word, or even think a coherent thought at this moment.
“I… I didn’t mean—” Todd manages to gasp out, but is cut off.
Neil steps closer, closing any remaining space between them; while bringing his hand up to cup Todd’s face.
“Shh. Just… trust me.”
Todd freezes. And then, in a heartbeat, Neil kisses him.
The kiss is soft, and melts away the chill in Todd’s body.
It’s just them.
No shame, no fear,
no worry of what others may think.
Todd’s knees almost give way, and for the first time in what feels like forever, the shame, anxiety, panic, whatever you want to call it, doesn’t win.
He pulls back slightly, eyes wide. Neil’s gaze holds him steady.
“You don’t have to explain,”
Neil whispers.
“I get it. All of it.”
They stand together on the bridge, the moonlight gleaming against the water below, the stars now shining, and the cold growing stronger; but Todd couldn’t be more warm.
He smiles faintly at Neil, with the memories they made last time on the bridge still in mind; and the promise of new memories to be made.
Nothings ever going to be perfect, he’s still afraid, afraid of tomorrow, of what the others will think. But he’s seen, and right now that’s all Todd needs.
♡ ♡