Work Text:
I hate him. That's all, no other explanations.
That was the only thing I said to his grave.
While my mind, said otherwise.
It's yourself that you hate.
I knew that it wasn't lying, because I told him that myself.
It carved into my brain, never leaving my mind even once.
Was those words meant for me? ...Or him?
I don't know.
I don't wanna know.
I..
I'm tired.
No, I was tired.
Tired of our conversations, tired of our fights,
Tired of him.
Because all he did was annoy me.
Other classmates joked about it, saying things like pulling girls hairs, catching their attention..
Gay.
That's what they joked about. That, was a thing they didn't know but still joked about.
I grew sick of it.
I grew sick of his annoying smiles, playful eyes, teasing words,
And the way he touched me.
It was casual, just a friend holding his friends hand.
Wrong.
It wasn't casual, or normal.
It wasn't casual when he said,
"I love you."
And it wasn't casual when I said,
"I want to love you too."
It wasn't.
So, how could he act like that? How could I, act like that?
I knew the reason.
He was afraid.
Afraid of getting called a faggot.
Getting joked about being not normal.
So, after that.. incident, he got bullied.
We didn't know that someone was watching us.
And, he got hurt. Because of me. He took the blame of something he shouldn't do.
When one day, the bullying got more and more violent, he got home early.
And didn't come back.
I knew what had happened. He told me himself.
That, if something like this happens, don't look at my messages.
I was confused.
Why? Why.. messages?
Why not something other than that?
But, I still agreed.
...
Did I?
At his grave, I sat there. Just..
Sat. On his wood covered dead body.
Looked down.
Right at the place where his head would have been in my lap.
But it wasn't.
And that was the problem.
He wasn't here.
And he never will be anymore.
And that realization hit me.
The one that I wanted to avoid so much.
I knew this would happen from the moment we—
No..
Not we.
He, confessed to me.
I knew it.
Two boys, in a school where no one accepted them, liking– even loving eachother?
That couldn't happen.
But it did.
And then,
It didn't.
There was no boys after that.
Only a boy.
And that boy, was a liar.
He broke his promise.
I opened my phone, looking at the unread messages.
From him.
I opened the chat, and..
I don't even wanna describe this.
How, could I have ever be so blind?
Could I even think about,
"I loved him too."
Without these messages coming to my mind?
I..
Really didn't love him huh?
And I, never will again, believe in love.
Because others love, wouldn't be like his.
It will never..
Be like how he loved me.