Chapter Text
1
The Ottawa Centaurs had just completed their preseason games, winning all of them. Shane had been made the second line’s centre. His wingers were Luca Haas and Bryan Greer. They had been working well together. Not scoring as many goals as the other lines but working well despite that. Shane had finally stopped looking for Hayden on his wing. But that didn’t stop him from occasionally messing up a pass that Hayden would have instinctively known Shane was going to make. But that was Shane’s fault, not Luca’s or Bryan’s.
Something similar had happened a few seasons into his time at Montreal. Hayden had been out with an injury, and Theriault had added a new winger to his line. Shane had been making passes Hayden would have caught. Theriault had been furious with Shane. Blamed him for making turnovers, giving other teams chances to score. So, Theriault had made Shane and his new winger practice longer after scheduled practice. The winger had hated it, blamed Shane for the extra work.
It had been a relief when Hayden was back. But that winger never spoke to Shane again and when he was traded, always made sure to check Shane into the boards.
So, after their last preseason game. Coach Wiebe went around to each of them individually. Shane liked that about Wiebe, he would always give them a positive and something to work on. But privately. Not like Theriault who would yell at the entire team and call out people he felt messed up. Rookie Shane had been on the receiving end of that a lot in his first season. So did other players who joined the team, so Shane figured it was something every new addition went through on a new team. Only to discover that was not how Wiebe worked.
“Well, done Shane, nice passes to Haas and Greer. Also, good communication with the defence. Dykstra and Chouinard said they really appreciated you listening to them.” Wiebe smiled. “In the past they’ve said they have not always had centre’s willing to listen to them.”
“Thanks coach,” Shane smiled. He was trying not to beam honestly.
“But don’t worry about the chemistry with Haas and Greer. That will come. Good game son,” Wiebe stated as he clapped Shane on the shoulder and moved onto the next man.
Shane’s smile faded, a pit forming in his stomach. Through the buzzing in his ears, he could hear Theriault yelling at him during the extra practice to pay attention to his new winger.
What Wiebe had meant: good start and even better line chemistry will develop over time.
What Shane heard: he wasn’t good enough. He was too busy looking for Hayden. New linemates are going to hate him when Wiebe makes them do extra practices.
So, Shane hastily got dressed and went over to his new linemates. “Do you guys want to go and get a drink somewhere?” The surprised looks on Luca and Bryan’s faces made Shane feel sick. Maybe his new linemates already disliked him.
“Sure,” Bryan agreed easily. “There’s a bar not to far from here. Being near the practice facility means they know us and aren’t starstruck when any of us walk in.”
“Anyone else coming?” asked Luca an easy smile on his face.
“Just thought us. Get to know each other a bit better,” Shane replied.
“Great! Second line only!” enthused Luca. Bryan just rolled his eyes good naturedly at the rookie-but-not-a-rookie.
Shane said he would meet them outside the locker room once he had grabbed his stuff. He picked up his bag and wandered over to where Ilya was talking with his linemates Troy and Bood. “I’m going to grab a drink with Luca and Bryan.” Ilya looked surprised. And Shane knew why, this wasn’t something Shane did. So, he felt the urge to explain why. “You know, liney bonding.”
Troy jostled Ilya. “How come you’ve never taken us out for some liney bonding?”
Bood grinned. “Yeah cap. Beginning to think I want to trade places with Bryan.”
Shane knew Bood was joking, but he couldn’t help but smile hearing that. In Montreal, no one asked to be on Shane’s line. Just Hayden. No one wanted to deal with Shane.
“Fuck off,” Ilya stated. He then shooed Troy and Bood away with his hands, before pulling Shane into a hug. “You okay moye solnyshko?”
“Yes,” Shane smiled, leaning his head against Ilya’s shoulder. “But I keep looking for Hayden on the ice and I think getting to know my linemates better will help me relax out there. Also, I do need to be a bit more sociable.”
Ilya looked at him with a faint smile, “have fun. Call me when you want me to pick you up.”
“I can get a cab,” Shane protested lightly.
“No. I will come and get you.” Ilya hugged Shane’s waist tightly. “Good you go out for some fun. But I am wanting some husband time.” Shane shook his head fondly and let Ilya take his bag. Ilya kissed him before letting him go with a “have fun moya lyubov.”
But on reaching the bar, Shane felt tense. He didn’t have Ilya to help bridge the gap with his linemates, he knew he was awkward socially and the loud music pumping through the system was setting his teeth on edge.
Shane didn’t see it, but Luca and Bryan exchanged worried looks. Then they both downed their drinks. Shane, on seeing this thought he was messing everything up and his linemates couldn’t wait to get away from him.
“Shane. As this is your hometown you ever been to the Canada Science and Technology museum?” asked Luca.
“Yes,” Shane was thrown by the random question but went with it. “Not since I was in high school though.”
“Luca has been wanting to go for ages. And I said I would go with him, but not alone.” Added Bryan, “don’t want to deal with his puppy-like enthusiasm alone. Shall we go now?”
Shane relaxed when he realised his linemates weren’t trying to get away from him. “Sounds good.”
So, the three of them exited the bar and got in a cab to the museum. They had fun and Luca insisted on the three of them taking a selfie in front of the museum. Putting it on Instagram. Shane got a tag alert and couldn’t hold back the smile seeing the post.
@LHaas: Visiting the Canada Science and Technology Museum with the #bestbuddies #bestlinemates @ShaneHollander24 and @BryanGreer95
Ilya had already liked it, so had most of the team. Fans were commenting on how great it was to see them bonding. Shane had never posted much before, but he figured there were more liney bonding trips in his future.
As Shane was looking at the post, Luca and Bryan shared a knowing smile. They didn’t know why Shane had forced himself to go to a bar to get to know them when he clearly was much happier at the museum. They just shrugged it off. Not knowing in Montreal, Hayden was the only teammate happy to go on museum trips with Shane.
2
Over the next two months: Shane, Luca and Bryan made liney trips a regular thing. On road trips they would go to a museum in the city they were visiting. Each of them taking it in turns to pick a museum and post about it on Instagram. The fans were getting a kick out of their museum road trip. Harris added he had museums requesting the three of them go and visit because the museums they did go to got a surge in visitor numbers.
During a game in Anaheim, they had broken tradition and visited Disneyland. The whole team, with Coach Wiebe had gone. But the three of them had made sure to grab their traditional liney selfie. Shane had posted that one, along with a picture of Ilya wearing his mickey ears.
But on the bench watching the first line, Shane was distracted from watching Ilya. Not much could pull Shane’s gaze away from his husband, especially when Ilya was playing hockey. But a song started to play during a break in play. Bryan started to sing along; Luca joined in and feeling swept up in the feeling Shane found himself joining in. The three of them nodding their heads and laughing as they sung along.
When they were called onto the ice, they were still smiling at each other. They had a good shift and then when Bryan had the puck, Shane thought the left winger was going to pass it more forward and so skated a bit further ahead. But Bryan had passed it back. Luckily Evan was there to prevent a turnover and passed the puck up to Shane. But he felt mortified. That was such an easy pass and he totally missed it.
Coming back to the bench, Shane sat next to Ilya. “Good chemistry,” he commented. “Missed easy pass but that’s okay.”
What Ilya said: it’s just one missed pass, but that is okay as you have good chemistry. And this was said to Bryan and Shane.
What Shane heard: you messed up Bryan’s easy pass. Good chemistry doesn’t excuse missing easy passes.
Shane kept replaying that missed pass over and over again in his head. He waited for Wiebe to scream at him just as Theriault would have done. There was no screaming, not even during the intermission, and it left Shane picking at the skin around his thumb. He knew he had messed up and was waiting to be told what to do about it.
Theriault would have told him where he messed up. Theriault would have made him run extra drills for missing a pass like that.
On the plane home, when others were laughing, napping or watching movies. Shane pulled up game tape of Luca and Bryan. Watching their body language before making a pass. He was determined to never miss an easy pass again.
3
It had been a bad two weeks for Shane. He had come down with a bad case of the flu that led to a high fever. Ilya had wanted to look after him, but Shane was adamant that he would not be the reason why the Centaurs captain was also out with the flu so moved himself into the guest bedroom. After a week, Ilya couldn’t take it anymore and picked Shane up into his arms and carried him back into their bedroom not taking no as an answer. All Shane could hear was coach Theriault yelling at him about infecting the rest of the team.
Finally, over the flu. Shane was back just in time for the team’s monthly fitness check. Everyone wanted him to sit the check out. Give his body more time to get over the flu. But Shane was determined to not be seen as weak or trying to get an easy pass on the fitness check. That was not something done in Montreal.
Unsurprisingly to everyone Shane’s fitness check was lower that it usually was. But Shane was disappointed in himself, he should be better than this.
Coach Wiebe and Terry, the team doctor, said: rest more and then get yourself ready for next month’s fitness test.
What Shane heard: you’re not good enough. You are being lazy. You need to get yourself back in shape for next month’s fitness test.
Once they got home, Shane took himself to their home gym. Ignoring Ilya asking him what he wanted for lunch. He went straight for the running machine. He had barely run for a minute before Ilya was hitting the stop button and catching Shane around the waist.
“You need lunch and rest moya lyubov.”
“I need to get back into shape.”
Ilya kissed the side of his head. “Not today. Today rest.”
Knowing that he wasn’t going to stop Ilya from unplugging the running machine if he didn’t rest, Shane let his husband guide him to the living room. For the rest of the day, he let Ilya fuss over him.
But the next morning, he got up when Ilya was still asleep and took Anya out for a short run. As the mornings passed, the runs got longer. But he always made sure to be walking by the time they reached home. He had told Ilya walking Anya was helping him. He felt bad lying to his husband, but he needed to get back into shape and Ilya wouldn’t have been pleased to see Shane running in the morning.
After a week of this, Shane thought he was making progress. But he was still wheezy during practice and told to take it easy. He had lost weight, but figured that was the lost muscles from being ill and he clearly needed to gain muscle mass. He ignored how similar that thought was to coach Theriault’s voice.
On the eighth day of running with Anya, Shane was lost in his own head, listening to the beating of his heart and feet in time with each other. Anya barked excitedly, so Shane held onto her leash a bit tighter worried she was about to run after a squirrel. Only it wasn’t a squirrel.
As Anya tugged harder at the leash, Shane looked up to find Ilya leaning against a tree glaring at him. “Quick walk,” he stated dryly.
Shane slowed to a walk and let go of Anya’s leash so she could run to Ilya and hopefully act as a diversion. Shane just took deep breaths, coughing slightly as he leaned forward to stretch his legs out.
“Shane.” He looked up at the tight tone of his husband. Ilya’s glare had faded to a look of concern.
“I’m fine,” he replied, ignoring the raspy edge to his voice.
“Oh sure,” Ilya snarked his eyes narrowing. “That seems fine.” Ilya walked closer and tilted Shane’s chin up so they were looking at each other. “You’ve been doing this all week haven’t you? When you said you were only walking.”
Shane couldn’t outright lie to Ilya so slowly nodded his head. “Yes.”
Ilya blew out a frustrated breath. “This is not good Shane. You are still getting better!”
“I need to get back into shape!”
“You do that when you are better!”
“I am better!”
“Oh yes, you coughing really sounds better!”
Shane felt his shoulders slump in defeat. Knowing Ilya he would be setting alarms to make sure he was awake before Shane left, to make sure he didn’t continue running. “Alright,” Shane sighed in defeat as he started to walk home.
“I will be telling Wiebe and Terry about this!”
“Fine,” Shane sighed, not looking back. Just another coach he was going to disappoint. Why couldn’t he be good enough by now?
4
They were playing the Admirals in New York. Shane had been back to full health for a month. After being watched carefully by Terry and Wiebe. They hadn’t been pleased when Ilya told them about him running, but they hadn’t yelled at him. So, that was something. He had expected Ilya to watch him like a hawk. He hadn’t expected everyone on the team to as well.
The game was going well. Shane hadn’t missed an easy pass and his chemistry with Luca and Bryan was a real problem for the Admirals who were unable to stop them from scoring. Shane had been checked a few times, but that was nothing new. What was new was Evan on the bench saying, “I know you are a nice Canadian boy Holzy. But you can check them back you know? Nick and I will be back up if needed.”
What Evan meant: don’t worry about hitting the Admirals Shane. If they come back for you, I’ll back you up with Nick.
What Shane heard: stop being so weak Hollander and fucking hit back! (Which sounded too similar to Theriault.)
So, for the next few shifts, Shane made sure he was checking Admiral players into the boards. His linemates, along with Evan and Nick cheered when he did this, so he must have been doing something right.
Ilya had been throwing him puzzled looks from the bench but just shrugged whenever Shane grinned at him. But while the Centaurs cheered at seeing this new side of Shane, the Admirals however were not.
Scott just laughed when Shane gently checked him into the boards to gain the puck from the older man. But as Shane moved down towards the Admiral’s goal, he heard Bryan call out “Holzy!” whatever else Bryan was going to say was blocked out by the sound of Shane’s body hitting the boards.
Shane felt himself slide down the boards as the refs blew their whistles. Shane winced when the whistles grew in fervour, looking up he realised why. Bryan was currently throwing someone to the ice as Luca looked for an opening to join in. The Centaurs on the opposite side of the ice to Shane were all on their feet looking at him. Shane felt his face flush in embarrassment as he realised he was still sprawled against the boards. He tried to push himself to his feet but couldn’t find his footing, as his entire right side ached. In his mind he could hear Theriault yelling at him to stop being so soft and weak and for once not need someone to defend him.
Just as Shane felt his grip on the ice about to fail, he was caught by Scott who was looking down at him in concern. “Come on. I’ve got you buddy.” Shane let himself be guided across the ice by Scott, part of him wanting to curl up in embarrassment, another part just wanted to get off the ice.
On reaching the bench, Scott patted him on the shoulder and then went back to his own bench. Shane felt Ilya before he saw him. His husband was clutching him against his chest as Ilya was trying to slow his breathing down. “You okay?” Ilya asked urgently, lowering his head so they could look at each other.
“Fine.” Shane muttered, trying to curl himself into a ball to hide.
“Shane!” Ilya spoke more forcefully. “Did you hit your head?”
Now Shane felt even worse. Of course, he had just reminded Ilya of when he got injured by Marlow in 2017. After watching their documentary Shane realised how badly that night affected Ilya, and there he was, worrying his husband again. He was so fucking useless. Couldn’t even cope with a single hit.
“I’m fine Ilya,” Shane murmured trying to comfort his husband. But Ilya was looking around until he spotted Terry and then Shane found himself being guided down the tunnel by Ilya and Terry. “I’m fine. Just a little bruised and shaken up.” But Shane was ignored and taken to the medical room.
Once Terry determined nothing was broken and only bruised, he left them in the room together while the Centaurs finished the last two minutes of the game. Shane didn’t even let himself think about what Theriault would have said about this. At least after the Marlow hit, Shane had been properly injured so Theriault said nothing about it.
“You should be back out there,” Shane muttered. Embarrassed Ilya was staying to coddle him when he should have been playing his last couple of shifts.
“I am where I should be moya lyubov,” Ilya stated, leaving no room for argument. Shane just sighed and nodded, just accepting how he was letting everyone down. Continuing to not be good enough. “Shane.” At the serious tone of his husband Shane looked up. Ilya was biting his lips as he looked at Shane in concern. “Something has been bothering you. What is the matter?”
“It’s nothing Ilya,” Shane stated, pressing a comforting hand over Ilya’s hands. Because it was nothing. Only Shane just not being good enough.