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The house was dark and silent.
2:11 AM blinked red on the digital clock resting on Walter’s nightstand.
The refrigerator hummed at the end of the hallway. The heater clicked on and off with a small red light and somewhere down the hall, a floorboard settled with a soft creak.
Skyler slept on her side of the bed, turned away from him. Her breathing was slow and even.
Walter wasn’t asleep, he rarely was anymore. He was laying on his back, eyes open and lost in some point on the ceiling above him, not that it was interesting, but he didn’t knew what else to do as he waited until Skyler was finally asleep.
He slipped out of bed, careful to not wake the sleeping woman at his side, he didn’t want to give any explanations and if she did wake up while he was in the bathroom, he could blame it on the cancer and she would leave him alone.
Walter moved towards the bathroom inside the room, closing the door with a soft thud before locking it and turning on the lights of said room. With practiced ease, he lifted the cap of the toilet tank to take of the small sealed bag with the spare phone inside. His hands took out the small device and Walter couldn’t help but to feel proud about his hiding skills.
It has become part of his routine to keep awake until his wife fell asleep to go and check that small thing for messages and calls. If something happened, he wanted to know it.
Fingers pressed the small button until the screen lit up.
Seven unread messages.
All from Jesse.
He rushed to read them.
Jesse
1:48 AM – u up?
1:52 AM – mr wite i cnt do ths
1:52 AM – i cnt breath
1:57 AM – i dnt wanna b here
2:03 AM – i dnt wanna wak up tmrw
2:09 AM – i dnt wanna b alone
2:10 AM – mr whit pls
His body went cold as he read all the messages, he stared at them for a couple of seconds, some were bad spelled and that text slang Jesse always used made it hard to understand what the boy was typing, and it was worse because Jesse didn’t use any punctuation. Usually, he would have texted back to say that he needed to write properly, but not this time.
Jesse
2:14 AM – Jesse, what is happening?
Walter pressed the send button, his hands trembled slightly as his eyes moved around the screen while he anxiously for his question to be answered, but any message came his way.
Jesse
2:15 AM – Are you alright, Jesse?
2:15 AM – Are you high?
2:15 AM – Answer me!
Walter’s jaw tightened, the silence in the other side of the line did nothing but to worry him and without a second thought, Walt pressed the dial and called Jesse. He could feel his heart hammering against his chest and his hands went cold.
One tone.
Two tones.
Three tones.
On the Fourth it clicked. And the first thing Walt heard was a breathing. Jesse’s breathing. Wet and uneven. The boy was crying and Walter’s heart clenched.
“Jesse?” Walter’s voice was low, he was whispering as Skyler was sleeping right outside of that door. “Jesse, are you there?”
A broken inhale broke the silence at the other side, followed by a small, fractured sound that didn’t quite form into a word.
“Mr. White?” Jesse’s voice was cracked, he could hear the tremble in his tone.
Walter closed his eyes and sighed in relief.
“Yes, I’m here.”
There was a small, shaky breath on the other end.
“I – I didn’t think you’d...” Jesse’s voice sounded wet as he sobbed between words. “Sorry. It’s late.”
Walter made a gesture with his face and shook his head as if Jesse could see him right now. It didn’t matter how late it was, Walt was worried about Jesse, why was he crying about so late at night? Why was so important that he needed to call him?
“Tell me what’s happening.” Walt’s voice came softer than he intended. The sobbing on the other end grew louder and he could hear the boy making small sounds of pain.
“She’s... She’s gone,” He said, and his voice cracked even more. “She’s gone, Mr. White.”
Walter’s finger tightened around the phone, pressing it harder against his ear. Was all of this about her?
“I know...” Walt said, carefully.
“I can’t – ” Jesse’s breath hitched. “I keep... I keep seeing it”
Walter sat on the toilet, realizing at that same moment that he had been standing all this time.
“Seeing what?”
“She was just there,” The boy choked on his own words, another loud sob. “She was there and I – I was asleep, and I-I didn’t... I didn’t –”
His words dissolved into sobbing, the sound of rustling fabric and muffled sounds signaling that Jesse was probably burying his face into something as he cried.
Walt’s expression soured with something he didn’t knew how to address, a mix of feelings swirled inside of his chest as he listened to the young man cry so loudly for that girl. Jane... Even dead she managed to crowd his thoughts and fill his mind.
“Jesse...” Walter said firmly, but not as a command, he really wanted Jesse to relax. Walt hated seeing the young man like that. “Breath, slowly.”
“I tried...” Jesse gasped. “I tried to wake her up and she wouldn’t... S-she wouldn’t – ” Jesse’s voice splintered.
The image came to Walter’s mind, he had been there when all happened. He was the one who saw it happen, and the image of that girl choking in her own vomit followed him. Walt could have saved her, pushed her until she was laying on her side again and she would have been saved... But he chose to let things be, why? He didn’t knew, but he didn’t like how Jane monopolized Jesse’s attention.
“It wasn’t your fault, Jesse.” Walter said. He let his head fall back until it was resting against the cold, tile wall of the bathroom.
There was a hollow laugh coming from the other end. “Yeah, it was.”
“No,” He replied, his voice sharper now. “You couldn’t control what happened.”
“I was supposed to protect her!”
Walter’s jaw tightened again, and he closed his free hand into a fist , his knuckles turning white as he did so.
“You are not responsible for every tragedy that occurs around you, Jesse” Walt’s voice was even, slightly lower as he hard the bed creaking at the other side of the door. He fell silent for a couple of moments, fearing that Skyler was awake.
The pause was kind of long, and Walter could hear Jesse breathing and moving around where he was laying.
“You don’t get it, Mr. White...” Jesse sniffed hard.
“Then make me understand.”
“She was gonna leave with me,” He whispered. “We were gonna go. Start fresh far from here. She believed in me, man. Jane believed I could – ” Jesse’s voice cracked again, and the boy sobbed loudly, he was almost screaming.
Walter didn’t liked when Jesse said her name, his guts twisted and he frowned.
“I screwed it up – I screw everything up.” Jesse was crying harder than before if it was possible, and it made Walter’s heart soften, he wanted to be there. To be there comforting Jesse, but he couldn’t.
“I can’t sleep,” He trailed off between sobs. “Every time I close my eyes... She’s there.”
Another silence filled the line, only to be broken from time to time by Jesse’s sad sounds.
“Have you taken anything?” Walter asked, finally breaking the silence after a couple of minutes.
“No” A shaky pause, Jesse’s breath hitched. “I wanted to. But I didn’t”
A flicker of relief moved through Walter’s chest and he sighed. Good, that was good. The last thing Jesse needed now was to have drugs inside his system.
“Good.” He said. “That was wise. Good job, Jesse.”
Silence again, broken only by Jesse’s uneven breathing.
“I keep thinking,” The boy murmured, “what if I... I just – What if I just don’t wake up tomorrow?”
Walter straightened before getting up from the toilet in a rushed movement. He didn’t care if he made sounds of any kind.
“You will not speak like that.” Walter’s voice was firm, slightly louder than he intended, but he didn’t care, he wasn’t going to let Jesse say such things.
“I’m just tired, Mr. White.”
“I don’t care if you are tired.” Walt’s tone softened. “You are not allowed to give up.”
Another small pause.
“You sound like you’re giving me a grade.” Jesse said weakly.
Walter smiled at the comment.
“Listen to me carefully,” Walt said, the smile still on his face and he sat back over the toilet. “You are going to lay down.”
“I am lying down.”
“Good. Focus on your breathing. Slow.”
Jesse tried. Walter could hear it, the shaky inhale, the un even exhale.
“That’s it,” Walt said, his voice low and calm, softer now. “Again.”
They stayed like that for a while. Walter guided Jesse through the breathing exercises with patience and care, happy that the boy has managed to calm down almost completely. Jesse’s breath was still a bit uneven, but nothing compared to the uncontrolled sobbing from earlier.
“Mr. White...” Jesse mumbled, voice smaller now.
“Yes?”
“I don’t wanna be alone...” He whispered. “Will you stay?”
“Yes” Walter didn’t hesitate to answer, and the word slipped out of his mouth before he could even think of stopping it.
Jesse let out another shaky breath, but it sounded different. It was a sigh of relief.
Another shaky breath stretched the silence between them.
“She loved me.” The boy whispered again.
Those words scraped against something inside Walter, and his expression soured again. Why couldn’t Jesse stop talking about her?
“I am certain she cared for you.” Walter had to force his voice to sound steady.
Jesse’s breaths gradually lengthened. The sobbing faded slightly into an exhausted breath. Jesse had finally stopped crying.
“Mr. White?” The young man mumbled again.
“Yes?”
“I’m scared.”
Walter’s chest tightened at his admission, and the urge to go and keep the boy company grew even more.
“You don’t have to be, Jesse.” The man said quietly. “I’m here.”
A faint hum of agreement sounded from the other end, followed by a soft line of deep breaths.
“Jesse?” Walter asked after a moment.
No response, just a slow steady breathing. Jesse was asleep.
Walter remained there, phone pressed against his ear after Jesse drifted off.
He could hear Skyler moving around the bed at the other side of the door, but he didn’t care if she was awake and heard everything. Walt just wanted to stay there a little longer listening to the boy’s soft breathing at the other side of the line. Jesse made sounds when he was asleep and Walter found that endearing.
Eventually, when he was certain that Jesse was fully asleep, Walter ended the call. He stared at the blank screen for a moment before entering the text app again.
Jesse
3:53 AM – Good night, Jesse. Rest well.
3:53 AM – Don’t forget to eat breakfast tomorrow.
Walt turn off the phone again, shoving it inside the small sealed bag to hide it on the toilet tank.
He returned to the bed, but he didn’t look at Skyler this time. Walter turned around, his back facing Skyler as he pictured Jesse sleeping peacefully on his bed... Maybe Walter pictured himself sleeping with him too, and maybe Walter would even hug Jesse in his sleep.