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“Hayden, I need to tell you something,” Shane said as he pulled his Jeep out of Hayden’s driveway on their way to practice. Hayden’s car hadn’t started that morning, and since Shane was going to pass him on the way, he offered to pick him up.
Shane sounded uncharacteristically nervous, and Hayden’s stomach dropped out, wondering what could have his best friend so shaken.
“Shit, man. We just got everything all sorted with our replacement left wing. Please don’t tell me something else is about to go to shit.”
Shane chuckled halfheartedly, “Nah, it’s nothing bad.”
“Coulda fooled me. You look panicked.” Hayden studied Shane’s profile as Shane silently kept driving. His shoulders were tense, and his face was pinched in a way that could only be caused by anxiety. Shane’s knuckles were clenched around the steering wheel so tight that they were turning white.
Hayden was familiar with this body language. He’d seen it whenever Shane felt guilty about something. Hayden relaxed a little, knowing Shane tended to feel guilty over shit that didn’t matter.
Shane’s grip loosened on the steering wheel, but he began nervously drumming his fingers.
“Shane, what is it? You’re making me nervous.” Shane didn’t show any sign that he registered Hayden’s remarks.
Hayden figured Shane would say it eventually, but whatever it was, it must have been something bad. As a pro player, you never knew. It could be an injury or maybe it was something to do with his parents. Shit, Hayden hoped nothing was wrong with the Hollander’s.
Minutes passed in eerie silence without so much as the radio making noise.
Just as Hayden was about to ask again what it was Shane had to tell him, Shane cleared his throat.
“Look, man, it’s really not a big deal, so don’t freak out…”
“Too late. I started freaking out the minute you said you had to tell me something. You can’t just say that and then not elaborate for five minutes! What’s going on?”
When Hayden took another look at Shane, it looked like he was about to pass out. Hayden had never seen Shane look so scared and he’d seen Shane face down danger on the ice more times than he could count.
“So what is it? What are you so worked up over?”
“Rozanov and I…we, uh…”
Moments passed again and Hayden was starting to get pissed off. “Rozanov and you? What? Would you spit it out already?”
Hayden expected Shane to talk in circles again and not answer the question. What he didn’t expect were the words that Shane finally said.
“We’ve been hooking up. But I think it’s turned into more than that.” All traces of emotion were gone from Shane’s voice.
Hayden didn’t know what came over him, but he started laughing. The glare Shane sent him was scathing, but it only made Hayden laugh harder.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you know how hard that was to admit? And you just laugh?”
Hayden wiped a tear that had fallen from his eye during his laughing fit. “That’s good, Shane! You had me for a second.”
“You…you think I’m joking? Why would I joke about that!?”
“I don’t know, but I really needed that laugh.”
Shane checked the surrounding traffic and pulled to the side of the road. He put the car in park and got out. Hayden opened the door and followed him. Shane was pacing along the grass on the side of the road.
“So, are you gonna tell me what’s really wrong?”
“I just fucking told you! I fucked up and caught feelings and now I don’t know what to do!” Shane stopped pacing and pointed right in Hayden’s face. “I’m freaking the fuck out and all you can do is laugh and think I’m joking?”
Hayden’s face fell. He looked into Shane’s eyes and he knew instantly that Shane was being serious. He felt like shit. But also, how could he be blamed for not believing Shane? What the fuck was happening?
“You’re serious.” It wasn’t a question.
“Of course I’m fucking serious!”
“But…” Hayden was at a loss for words. He still kind of felt like he was being Punk’d. “You hate each other.”
“Obviously not.” Shane was back to pacing as he ran his hand nervously through his hair.
“I don’t understand…”
“What’s not to understand, Hayden? I’m gay and in love with Rozanov. It’s pretty straightforward.”
Hayden felt like everything he knew about his best friend had just come crashing down. How could he have been around Shane nearly every day for the past ten years and not known that about him? How could he have seen Shane and Rozanov interact and not picked up on any sexual tension between them? Although, he supposed in the world of hockey, they couldn’t afford to act suspicious. Now that Hayden thought about it, he was surprised to realize…this made a lot of things suddenly make sense. But, for Shane to boil it down to such a simple phrase (“I’m gay and in love with Rozanov”) was the most shocking part. Sure, Shane was freaking the fuck out, but still.
“You make it sound so simple. But I’m assuming this is a problem, right? I mean, this will cause a shit storm…”
Shane abruptly halted. He opened and closed his mouth a few times and looked baffled like he couldn’t believe Hayden would say such an unhelpful thing. He should’ve known by now Hayden was shit at advice.
“You think I don’t know that?! I mean, he’s supposed to be my arch nemesis. People wouldn’t even be able to deal with the fact we’re friends.” Shane sighed and looked up at the sky which was starting to turn from day to night. “But it’s turned real. I can’t lose him, though. I won’t.”
Hayden wasn’t sure if Shane had meant for him to hear that last part. Hayden’s shoulders slumped and he looked back at his best friend. There was a brokenness to his voice that Hayden had never heard before.
“And what does Rozanov say about it?”
“I guess you’re gonna tell me I gotta talk to him about it, huh?”
“Pretty much.” Hayden leaned against the hood of the Jeep while he waited for Shane to calm down. Shane let out a humorless chuckle and joined him on the hood.
“Do you think it's possible for things to go back to how they were? Where we just fuck, but feelings aren’t involved?”
“Do you actually want that?”
Shane didn’t answer for a loaded moment, he just looked down at his hands which were fidgeting against his leg. He looked up and met Hayden’s eyes. “No. I don’t wanna keep just being his fuck buddy.” Shane hopped off the hood and straightened his posture, looking sure of himself. “I’m gonna talk to him about it next week in Boston.”
Shane returned to the car and Hayden climbed in the passenger seat. The engine roared to life and they merged back onto the highway.
“I know I laughed and all, but in my defense, I didn’t see that coming at all. I was half expecting a hidden camera.”
Shane began to laugh and it made Hayden feel lighter. Seeing Shane laugh in such a carefree way was rare and he wished it happened more often. Shane deserved to let loose. And maybe this thing with Rozanov would do that for him. He suppressed a shudder, because as supportive as he was now determined to be, it would take nothing short of a miracle to get him to like the Russian.
“I get it, Hayden. If I were you I wouldn't have believed me either.”
“For what it’s worth though, I hope it works out with you two.”
Shane slowed at a red light and looked over to Hayden. There was a glint of hope there that had Hayden feeling more proud of him than he’d ever been before. Which was saying a lot.
“Me too, Hayden. Me too.”