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* * *
Ori slammed his door and sank to the ground, willing his heart to slow its incessant thumping. He could not believe what was happening. After 76 years of life, 76 years of knowing his best friend, Fíli, Ori had fallen in love. With him. This wasn't supposed to happen! They had been inseparable their entire lives. They took lessons and trained together daily as soon as they learned to walk and talk, and even lived together for a brief stint in Ered Luin, when things had been especially difficult for their families. He and Fíli had been together through thick and thin, and now his heart threatened to ruin everything they had built.
A soft knock sounded at his door, startling him from his spiraling thoughts. "Ori, dear, are you quite alright?" Dori's concerned voice came from the other side of the door. Ori could not face his brother. Not right now. Not when he had made the most unfortunate discovery of his life.
"I'm fine, Dori. I just…" The younger dwarf trailed off, unsure of what exactly he needed. "I, um… I need to write a letter to Bilbo."
He could practically hear Dori's smile spread across his face. "Oh wonderful! I just created a tea blend to help Frodo sleep. Bilbo said he's been having nightmares ever since his parents were in the accident, poor lad. Let me know before you send off a raven!" Ori listened as the soft footfalls of his brother faded from earshot before grabbing a piece of parchment and his favorite quill. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of contacting Bilbo before! Their hobbit always had such wonderful advice. He would surely know what to do.
* * *
Eighth of Âfanak, 2943.
Bilbo, I don't know how this happened or what to do, and I need your advice.
There's no easy way to put this, but I am falling in love with Fíli. I don't know how or why this has happened, but I need these feelings to go away. I think I've always known we were soulmates in a way, but I had never assumed that we were anything more than platonic, especially since he was not always a man. I don't want him to be my One, Bilbo. It would ruin everything.
Fíli had such a difficult time during his change, Bilbo. It was years ago now, but I know the hurt lingers. He lost the support of many, dwarves who claimed that he should no longer be the heir to the throne because he "chose to live a lie." I was the first person he trusted with his identity, other than Kíli, and I was there holding his hand when he came out to our families. Dori became a mentor of sorts, as he went through the change himself and was intimately familiar with the trials he would have to face. Since then, I've been able to watch Fíli grow into his true self. He is the same dwarf he's always been, but he is so much happier. He smiles brighter, laughs louder, and is so passionate about everything he does. Fee radiates light and warmth, just like the sun. I love him, Bilbo. I love him so much, and it frightens me. I am so scared to ruin our friendship, but I fear I will not be able to ignore the way I'm feeling.
The last thing I want is for Fíli to misunderstand, to think that I am pursuing him simply because he is a man now. I also fear someone else may start courting him if I wait too long to confess. Dwarrow and dwarrowdam alike approach him when we are out. He is so handsome, so it's no surprise that others would see him as desirable. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't found a lover yet. He told me he is waiting for his One. Maybe he feels it too, the same tugging that I have in my heart. That would be too good to be true, I fear. I am not deserving of his love.
Please write back with any advice, Bilbo. I am at a complete loss. You know I have no experience in love, and considering that you successfully courted Thorin, I thought you'd be the best person to ask.
Sending you and Frodo all the best,
Ori
p.s. Dori says to brew this tea for Frodo before bed, to ensure a full night of rest. I hope it works, for his sake.
* * *
Bilbo was surprised to find a raven other than Roäc knocking at his window. It was nearly one in the morning, and there was a chill in the air from the lingering winter. "Oh, you poor dear. Please come in!" The raven cocked its head, clearly unable to speak Westron. He hopped into the kitchen while Bilbo prepared him a small meal of leftover ham and dried fruits. He gently took the letter and sachet from the raven and sat at the table to read it it. He was surprised, to say the least. Based on how the two dwarves acted, Bilbo had believed Fíli and Ori had an understanding, but it seemed he was wrong. The thought of Ori being so bewildered and distraught over his blossoming love brought a fond smile to his face. Bilbo wondered if this was how Balin felt watching him and Thorin shy away from each other for months, even though they both clearly held the other in the highest the highest regard.
He made his way to his study, wondering what he could say to put Ori's mind at ease. While he had his suspicions regarding the nature of Fíli's regard for Ori, Bilbo wanted his friend to discover it for himself. Encouragement to listen to his heart seemed to be what Ori needed most in the moment.
* * *
Twenty-seventh of Âfanak, 2943.
My dear Ori,
Realizing you are in love with your friend is a difficult thing to come to terms with, especially with things as complex as identity at play. It sounds like you truly do love him, not because he aligned with your romantic preferences after his change, but because he has become the person he was born to be. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by someone as adoring as you. You are deserving.
When I realized I was in love with Thorin, I was quite possibly as terrified as you are now. His romantic preferences were a complete mystery to me, and I feared he would not accept my heart, whether it was because of his own beliefs or the fear of rejection by his kingdom. After all, I am not only a male, but also of another race. For months, I hesitated to act on my feelings because of this fear, and chose instead to live in a state of constant agony. I knew I would have to ask Thorin eventually if he felt the same way, but I wanted to delay it as long as possible to avoid the inevitable collapse of our friendship that would result from his rejection of me. However, one of my biggest regrets in life is not confessing to him sooner. I can't help but think about all the time we lost together, and all the time the two of us spent in utter agony, each pining after the other.
You and Fíli have always been very close, and it's understandable that you would develop feelings for him, perhaps inevitable. You should be brave and tell him how you feel, Ori. Your confession does not have to be a bold, public display of affection. Knowing Fíli, I think he would appreciate something more intimate and thoughtful. Just be yourself and act from the heart. That will be more than enough.
I believe in you! Sending you my love.
Bilbo
p.s. Please thank Dori for the tea! We will put it to good use tomorrow night. Frodo could use a night of uninterrupted rest, poor boy.
* * *
Weeks later, the raven had made the return journey to the mountain. Ori's eyes welled with tears as he read the letter. It was the push he needed to spring into action. Not wanting to wait another moment, Ori began brainstorming a courting gift he could craft for Fíli. Of course, he was not skilled in metalwork, and he had already knitted so many different articles of clothing for Fíli over the years. It would have to be something useful but eye-catching. He wondered if this was how Fíli felt when he was designing his first knife for his mastery. The all-consuming desire to achieve perfection and— That's it! A sheath for his knife. He would craft a leather sheath, carved to match the engravings on the knife. Ori got to work designing the gift, the frantic scratching of quill against paper filling the silence of his room.
Some time later, Ori emerged from his room, sketch in hand. He knew he would need a second opinion on his design before he felt truly prepared to start working on the sheath. Upon entering the dining room, he found his brothers and Bofur sitting around the table. Tentatively, the younger dwarf sat down, laying his drawing out for the others to see.
"Well, I'll be!" Bofur exclaimed, eyes dancing with excitement. "Are you finally going to properly court Fíli? Nori and I are going to win so much money thanks to you." Ori felt himself flush to the tips of his ears. Had he been that transparent? If the Company was betting on him confessing… What if Fíli already knew his heart, but said nothing to spare his feelings? "Yeah, I guess I am. I didn't realize everyone knew how I felt." He muttered drily as Bofur clapped his shoulder. "Not everyone, lad. Thorin is thick as ever."
Nori studied the drawing for a long while. "Hmm.. this is quite the design." He looked up at his baby brother, a wide grin spreading across his face. "I can't think of anything I would change. Except…" Nori and Dori had a silent exchange before the latter rose from his seat. "Let me grab it, Nori." Dori padded over to their safe and pulled out two necklaces of mithril and sapphires. They gleamed in the candlelight, their aura reminiscent of the Gems of Lasgalen. "Oh, Dori…" Ori's voice was soft and full of wonder. "Did those belong to Mother?"
Dori nodded and handed the pieces to his brother. "They were to be passed down to our spouses once we settled down. I don't think Bofur would much enjoy being dolled up like a dwarrowdam, though." Bofur stuck his tongue out playfully, and Nori guffawed at the thought of his husband made up like a woman. "Ori, I was thinking that the mithril could be melted down into a trim for the sheath." Nori traced the design with his finger, indicating where the mithril could go. "The smaller gems could be used for rings and beads in the future, if you like. Neither myself nor Dori have any use for them, and I know Mother would hate to see them collecting dust the way they've been for nearly a century."
Tears trailed down his freckled cheeks as he pulled his brothers and Bofur into a hug. "I'm assuming this means you approve of my decision, then?" The chorus of affirmations from his family caused a lump to form in his throat and he choked on a sob. Dori instinctively reached to pet his baby brother's head. Ori leaned into his touch and whispered hoarsely, "I am so lucky to have you all as my family. I don't think I say it often enough, but thank you for everything you've done for me… I know you gave up a lot so I would not have to go without as a child." Dori trumpeted into his handkerchief. "You were worth it all, Ori."
* * *
Fifteenth of Âfmuhudtuzakh, 2943.
Dear Bilbo,
Thank you so much for the encouragement in your letter. It did more for me than you know. I talked to Dori, Nori, and Bofur, and they support me. They assured me that they would treat Fíli as part of the family if we were to court. Their acceptance means the world to me. Bofur even said he and Nori had bet on me making a move. I didn't realize how transparent I have been. Do you think Fíli already knows? It doesn't matter how he finds out, I suppose.
For my courting gift, I've decided to craft him a leather sheath for his favorite knife. It has an engraved wrought iron with an oliphant tusk handle. He and Thorin made it together when he was working towards his mastery back in Ered Luin. The design for the sheath will match the engravings on the blade, and I am planning on adding some mithril accents along the seams to strengthen it. We have a few pieces of mithril jewelry that were saved to pass down to our wives, but considering Dori has no interest in marriage and Nori is happily settled down with Bofur, they gifted the pieces to me to repurpose for the sheath. I don't know how I can ever repay them.
I expect to have already gifted the sheath to Fíli by the time this letter arrives, so wish me luck! I will send another letter with the (hopefully positive) outcome of my confession.
With love,
Ori
p.s. I have included a sketch of the knife and my design for the sheath. Let me know what you think!
* * *
Fíli was beginning to worry. Perhaps "beginning" was an understatement. If he were truly honest with himself, he was fully spiraling. He had seen so little of Ori in the past week. It was unusual for the two of them to be parted for more than a few hours during the day, so not having Ori by his side for days on end was having a disastrous effect. Fíli had felt himself growing increasingly moody, to the point that he snapped at his irak'adad during their lessons. He had never seen Thorin look so taken aback, not even when Bilbo had yelled at him for being pig-headed during a peace treaty meeting the year before.
Dwalin had also noticed that something was off. Fíli was far more aggressive than usual when sparring, and he even won against Dwalin for the first time in his life. His victory was overshadowed by the bitterness that was consuming him, however, and he felt no sense of accomplishment in this feat. The older dwarf muttered something sarcastic about "unrequited love being an unexpected source of strength," earning himself a nasty glare and two middle fingers from his protégé. Fíli excused himself shortly after, retiring to his room for the rest of the day. Even a visit from Kíli was not enough to soothe his aching heart. Kíli and Tauriel were in the middle of wedding planning with Dís, and naturally all he could think about was his beautiful bride. Fïli tried not to be jealous, but the longer he listened, the more his stomach roiled. He told Kíli he wasn't feeling well and was going to try and get some rest. His brother patted him on the shoulder sympathetically and promised to check in later.
Fíli laid back on his bed, staring at the ceiling as he thought back to his last interactions with Ori, wondering if he had done something to offend him. They were close enough that they could let each other know if a line had been crossed, so what could have possibly happened? Fear clawed at Fíli as his mind ran wild. What if Ori had discovered his feelings and found his affections repulsive? He had been nothing but supportive of Fíli, but that didn't mean he would want to be with someone like him. Or worse, what if Ori had met someone and began courting them? He had taken for granted that his friend would always be around, but if Ori found a partner, they would become his priority, not Fíli. He shook himself from his catastrophizing and decided to go for a hike. Fresh air would help clear his mind, or at least he hoped it would. He pulled his hair back into a ponytail and grabbed a water skin before heading out the door, where he collided with none other than Ori, who was completely breathless. Was he running? His flushed cheeks and wide, brown eyes made Fíli's stomach flip.
"Oh!" Ori stumbled back in surprise. "Hi. I hadn't even knocked yet. I guess you were waiting for me," he joked in a self-deprecating tone. Fíli chuckled softly. "You have no idea, Ori. Let's go." He grabbed Ori's hand before he even had time to formulate a response, dragging him to the exit in the royal quarters. Neither of them said anything as they left the mountain, walking hand-in-hand to their spot. Whenever either of them had a bad day, they would sneak away to a meadow that grew undisturbed on the north side of the mountain. It was a 45-minute trek, but being surrounded by nature with no one to interrupt them made it all worth it.
Fíli couldn't believe that Ori had let him hold his hand for this long without saying anything or trying to pull away. The last thing Fíli wanted to do was draw attention to it, so he elected to say nothing and just continued to walk in comfortable silence with his companion, privately enjoying the gentle pressure of Ori's palm pressed against his own.
Once they reached the meadow, Ori plopped down in their usual spot and closed his eyes, deeply inhaling the fresh mountain air. He opened his eyes again, looking up at Fíli with the corner of his mouth lifting into a lopsided grin. "I've missed you, Fíli. I'm sorry I've been so busy these past few days. It was for good reason though, I promise." Fíli felt his heart skip a beat at his words. He missed me. That alone could untangle the web of negative emotions that had taken up residence in his mind over the past week. He would do anythingto hear him say it again.
He cleared his throat awkwardly, realizing that he had been staring at Ori for longer than appropriate. "It's quite alright. It's not like you owe me your time. What were you busy with, if you don't mind me asking?" He lowered himself to the ground next to Ori, whose cheeks had grown pink. Ori took a deep breath before reaching into the inner pockets of his coat. "I…" He cleared his throat nervously, gaze dropping to the ground. "I made this for you." Hands trembling slightly, he presented Fíli with an object wrapped in cloth.
Fíli unfolded the cloth, his breath catching in his throat as he laid eyes upon the sheath, which was easily one of the most detailed he had seen. He traced the patterns tenderly, eyes blurring with tears. "Oh, Ori…" He set the sheath to the side and turned towards Ori, taking his face in his hands. "You are so wonderful" His whispered words brushed against Ori's lips, gentle as the breeze that enveloped them in the sweet scent of the spring blossoms. He had imagined their first kiss thousands of times before, but nothing could compare to that moment. The world seemed to stop turning as he pressed his lips gently against Ori's, savoring their warmth against his cold, chapped lips. He traced his thumb along the dwarf's cheekbone, eliciting a shiver from the sensation. What he wasn't expecting, however, was for his thumb to be wet. Fíli pulled away from Ori, brows knit in concern at the tears that were coming from his companion's eyes. "Ori… I am so sorry, I should not have done so without asking first. I thought…" Fíli buried his head in his hands. "Oh, I've royally fucked this up, haven't I? Let's just forget this happened, okay? Regardless of my own feelings, I don't want to ruin our friendship. You're too important to me, Ori."
Ori stared at him for a moment, at a complete loss for words. Fíli felt his whole world crashing around him as he moved to stand up. Why did he ever think his feelings could be returned? He would have to go back to acting like his world didn't turn for Ori alone—
Fíli's thoughts were interrupted by Ori's gloved hands grasping the front of his shirt and pulling him down onto his lap. Warm lips pressed against his once more, and oh Mahal, if this wasn't the reason for life, he didn't know what was. He wrapped his legs around Ori's torso and buried his hands in his lover's hair. He didn't know whether he or Ori had intensified the kiss, but their lips parted as they breathed each other in, Ori languidly exploring Fíli's mouth with his tongue. A soft moan escaped his lips as Ori trailed a hand down his spine. Fíli felt a shiver travel through his whole body when that hand slipped under his shirt, cold fingertips tracing runes on his back. After what could have been hours or minutes, Fíli pulled away, panting against his partner's lips. "You love me." It was more of a question than a statement. Ori smiled up at him, eyes still glistening from his tears. "I do. I love you so much more than you know, Fee."
* * *
Seventh of Âfvalasirkha, 2943.
Bilbo, you will never believe what has happened. Fíli kissed me when I gave him the sheath. He kissed me. I didn't have to confess my feelings. He just… understood. I am ashamed to admit that I started to cry when I felt his lips against mine, and caused more than a little confusion. He was scared that I didn't want him in that way, and that it was truly just a gift of friendship. He started to apologize and got up to leave, but I grabbed him and and kissed him again. I kissed him! Can you believe it? I never thought I would have the courage or the opportunity to do so.
I confessed to him, and he told me that he had been too afraid to approach me with his heart because he was worried that I would either accept his suit out of pity or be disgusted that he would even suggest such a thing. We went on our first official date yesterday, a picnic at the lake. We left the mountain at lunchtime and did not return until dusk. I have never felt such all-consuming joy. He is mine and I am his. I think I am the luckiest man in Erebor, to be given the chance to love Fíli. My heart is so full, and I can only imagine it will overflow as our courtship continues. Is this what you felt like when you began your courtship with Thorin? I don't know how life could get any better than this!
Please return to the mountain with Frodo soon! I cannot wait to tell you everything in person.
Missing you always,
Ori