Chapter Text
"Amanda, can I talk to you about somethin'?"
"Yeah, Carisi, of course." She waited a few beats for her normally ebullient coworker to continue, but he only turned his gaze to the break room floor and shifted on his feet. She prompted, "What's up?"
"Uh, yeah. Promise me you won't freak out, okay?" He looked at her sidelong and returned his gaze to his shoes. Amanda was worried now; she reached over to swat his hand in a way she hoped showed both friendly playfulness and genuine concern. "Of course."
"I'm gay."
"Oh, Sonny!" She half-laughed, and then schooled her features before continuing, "Shit, I thought you were going to tell me you were dying or something." She caught her friend's eye, finally, and flashed him a soft, gentle smile. "Thank you for telling me."
He covered his face in his hands, briefly, then drew them down to fidget at his sides. "I've known for a while but...I don't tell people. When it is someone else, it's like great, cool, no problem, doesn't matter, whatever, you know? But when it's you... " his words trailed off into the air. He felt both relieved of a burden and utterly exposed; some of his fearful insecurities shed, only to be replaced with a feeling of raw vulnerability; a man flayed of his skin, all his defenses, the layers of armor that he hadn't even realized he'd been accumulating over the years. This was supposed to get easier, right?
"Oh Sonny! It's cliche, but you know we're friends no matter what. Does anyone else...," she rotated an open hand around to signal the office and the precinct at large, "...know?"
"Well, a real nice lady with the NYC Gay Officers Action League...at my last precinct there were rumors, and it got kinda bad. And, uh, Liv. Well, she knows I'm seeing a guy..."
"Oh that's good, real good."
"Ha, yeah, it really is," he said with a smile. "I'm gonna tell everybody, Eventually. Like even my family. About me, and maybe about him. My sisters, I know they'll be cool. They'll tease me, of course. But my ma, my pop... That's gonna be rough. The Catholic thing, and then it'll be you're-in-your-thirties and what about that sweet girl Lena? I told her, I told my ex-girlfriend from undergrad absolutely first of anyone. I really loved her, like if it wasn't gonna work out with her, it wasn't gonna work with any woman. We broke up back then but stayed friends. And maybe I kinda let my family think things were back on with her... So they'd...leave me alone. When I came out to her, she was so kind about it. I hope she knows how much that meant, how good she was to me, ya know? I was real twisted up about it for a long time."
Amanda couldn't help herself; she took Carisi's hand and squeezed it tight.
"Sonny, you are a good man, and everyone can see it. That's the most important thing. You deserve all the kindness and love you can find in this world, and then some. With whomever you find it. Please know that."