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His heart is hammering. A deep thumping shakes his whole being. His legs are shaky and numb, muscles weak with pins and needles. He can’t move. Body locked in anxiety watching the patient in the room across the ER.
A woman in her mid-60’s sits on the exam table. Her graying blonde hair. Strands like corn husks. She’s got tired gray blue eyes focused on Doctor Langdon, who’s speaking to her. A man in his late 60’s stands beside her. Thick arms crossed, his worn flannel rolled up to his elbows. His hands are dry, etched with callousness from years of hard work.
Dennis Whitaker knows those hands. He knows these people. He grew up with them. The women would cut his hair every other Saturday along with his brothers. Help him get dressed before service on Sunday. The man showed him how to shoot a rifle. How hard work makes a man stronger and disciplined. Drove him to the airport for his mission.
His parents were here in Pittsburgh, PA. In the ED of Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center. Not in their small farm town of Broken Bow, Nebraska. Not sitting together at the dining table his dad built for his Ma on their 10th anniversary. They are here in The Pitt, in an exam room.
He should move before they spot him. He knows why they are here. They have a yearly tradition of messages around the time of his birthday, Hoping that Dennis will see the error of his ways, and rediscover his testimony. Repent for his sins of questioning The Lord’s way and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Strive towards being approved again for a temple recommendation. His dad would introduce him to a nice girl at Sunday service, and they would be married within a year. A baby on the way in two. Dennis would take leadership in the church, and base his testimony and preachings on how he went astray. We the sheep of god, like a lamb he was brought back to the lord by the shepherd.
He’s spiraling. Tunnel vision on his parents and thoughts of the future he’s had nightmares about all his adulthood. He doesn’t notice Trinity approaching him.
“Huck, the board has Whitaker’s in 8 with Langdon. Relation?” She’s concerned, but she’s covering it. The news will spread that a couple with the same last name and a striking resemblance are here. With luck, they can keep the gossip to a minimum with discretion.
“I need to get out.” is all he can say. Reverting back to the meek teen he once was. So scared of the future dictated to him by his parents and church leaders. A bright future he was told he should want.
She nods, understanding.
Trinity is one of the few people he’s revealed his Religious upbringing to. A Theology undergrad and his general appearance people tend to assume he’s religious. Usually it’s just christianity, maybe a more evangelical sector. His tendency to spout bible verses in moments of anxiety, and the silver cross from his great grandfather expose him.
Late one night, a few weeks after Trinity found him like a stray cat and took him in, they sat on the couch together. Take out containers littered the thrifted coffee table. Delicious foods Dennis had never had until moving to Pittsburgh. Trinity is spread out, scrolling through streaming services to find a show. Not trusting Dennis to choose.
“Oh! A new season of Secret lives of Mormon wives droops next week! I need to get you up to date. Crash, princess and I love to chat about it. We’re watching.” Dennis watched as she selected season one episode one. He tries not to tense as they watch. His hand nearly bends the soft metal of his White Claw. The show progressed and mentions of missions and temple weddings left him unsteady. He made it through the whole episode, but when the credits were rolling and the countdown to the next episode started, he turned to Trinity.
“Can we watch something different.” he tried not to sound desperate. “please?” He squeaked out, It’s not working.
attention switching from the tv to him, She scrutinized her roommate. His posture was tight, tense. His eyes were puppy dog sad and full of stress.
“Yeah, sure?” She turned it off, just letting the tv menu sit. “Not a reality tv fan?” Dennis didn’t respond. He just tucked his legs up to the couch. She waited for a response from him, okay waiting in silence. Dennis knew there was no getting out of revealing something. Trinity was one of the most perceptive people he’s met.
“Trinity, can I tell you something?” Red flags were popping up in her head, watching Dennis work himself up to talk. She just nods, turning her body towards him. Open, and understanding. Not wanting to interrupt his inner workflow of getting whatever is wrong out.
“I’m an ex-Mormon. I left the church after my undergrad”
“Oh shit Huck? I… didn’t know.” But the pieces are coming together in her head.
“I don’t talk about it, at all. I don’t like thinking about it. I want that chapter of my life closed.” He considers, “But if you have any questions? It only seems fair if I’m living here.”
“If you want to talk about it, we can. I’m not gonna force you. If it’s in your past, it’s in the past.” She leaned forward “But it might be better to let it out instead of bottle it up.”
“I‘ve never told anyone in Pittsburgh.”
“Wow” She sat with that for a moment. Realizing just how little she knew about her roommate she thought she had all figured out the day they met. Midwestern christian farm boy, proud parents, clumsy awkwardness lingering from youth.
He had a tight smile, “My parents were hoping I would be married or engaged by graduation. I was on track to be the perfect Mormon man. I did Sunday School, youth groups, camps, I got my temple recommend, my Mission.”
Her eyes widened. Mormon then, not just a Christian. “You went on a Mission?”
“Yeah. At 18. It was in Salt Lake City. My Ma was so happy I was placed there.” Trinity watched a sad, but fond look cross his face, “Then I went to BYU to study Theology. Between the strict rules of the mission and BYU, I felt the pressure. And going home for that first Christmas break my Ma kept asking me if I’d met a girl yet.” He shook his head.
“I had been questioning things since my Temple Endowment. It just built from there. Maybe even before then, honestly. I had a lot of questions as a kid. My bishop just told me to pray more.”
“The first time I felt like I was on the right path, was my second semester freshman year. I had volunteered for the Hospital. I watched the doctors and nurses work, watched them really help people. I saw real miracles happen. I started taking more and more pre-med courses. I volunteered as much as I could. And I got accepted to UPMC’s med school. It worked out. But telling my parents, they were so disappointed. It broke their hearts that I wasn’t on track to become a Bishop or church leader anymore. They brought me straight to our bishop” He laughed, “Most parents would be thrilled to find out their kid was gonna be a doctor.”
Trinity understood that feeling, thinking when she told her mom she was quitting gymnastics.
“I had to sit with my bishop for five hours that spring break. He tried to convince me I was made to serve the lord and spread the truth. That a leadership position was available to me. My degree from a prestigious University, The Lords University, would do real good for the Church. I wouldn't hear it. I became my own person. Much to my parents dismay.”
He shook his head, looking more confident now, “That church ruined my life. I wasn’t going to be convinced to stay. After graduation, I took a greyhound to Pittsburgh. Rented a cheap bed in Oakland, in a leaky basement.” Dennis scoots towards Trinity, she allows the close contact. He lends his head on her shoulder. “Beginning of med school I could afford rent. I had a server job. Met someone…” a soft smile crossed his face “Daniel. He was my first kiss. We were cadaver partners.”
More puzzle pieces of Dennis Whitaker clicked into place for Trinity. Dennis didn’t share anymore that night. He didn’t need to. They just cuddled together on their couch. Trinity put a cooking show on. She wasn’t really watching, just thinking about her roommate. She wasn’t unfamiliar with Mormons, she’s known some from high school. But his family sounded more conservative in the church than others she’s known. More overbearing.
In the Pitt, Trinity watches as other Doctors and Nurses start noticing the name on the board. Dennis is stock-still. She grabs his wrist, dragging him towards the break room. His body has no fight.
Robby watches, and trails behind the two.
The break room is thankfully empty. Trinity closes the door behind them, sits Dennis down in a chair, and makes him a cup of coffee. The warm liquid soothes him, and serves as a reminder that he’s in control of his life. He’s allowed coffee.
The warm cup loses tension held in Dennis. He sinks into his chair and leans into the table. A puppet with cut strings. Neither are surprised at the knock, and the look to see Doctor Robby standing outside. Concerned face peeking through the window.
“I can send him away?” Trinity would.
“He can come in.” Dennis responds softly. He’s still on the clock, after all. He can’t hide from this all day.
As much as he wants to.
Trinity gets the door, cautiously allowing Robby inside. Dennis watches as Robby gives them both a once over. Dennis is sure he looks awful.
“Is everything alright?” an open question. So much is left unsaid, so many assumptions Dennis is sure Robby has. Dennis wishes he would be direct. Just ask ‘I noticed the aging couple talking to Doctor Langdon has the same last name as you Whitaker and you look exactly like them. You also look like you were reunited with your traumatic past. What's up with that?’
Dennis decided to be direct with his answer. “Those are my Parents.” and isn't that just an answer enough. “I haven’t seen or spoken to them in four years. Last time, it was after my college graduation. I gave them my Book of Mormon, and walked out the door to catch my Grayhound.”
Trinity looks shocked at his blunt answer. Dennis doesn't have the bandwidth to dance around the truth. People will gossip, they already do.
He’s been more actively deconstructing, recently. Which helps. After he left the church, he really experienced the world for the first time without the fear of the church weighing over his shoulders. No lies or strange rules. He pushed all of that behind him. All in a dark corner of his mind while he went far in the opposite direction.
Active rebelliousness and ignoring the church. Not thinking about it, except late at night when the thoughts would haunt him. Especially on nights where Grindr would place him in the bed of attractive men he didn’t know.
Trinity helped him process his past and expand his world in a healthier way. Showing him TV shows and movies he wasn’t allowed to watch as a kid. Holding girls nights where they would gossip together and play poker. Go to gay bars to just dance and have fun.
She also introduced him to Youtubers going through the same deconstruction of religion. Fellow Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Evangelical Christians, Fundimentalists. All deconstructing the cult nature religions they were raised in. Learning to not have shame and the things adults did and told them as kids was actually wrong. Together they tuned into each Alyssa Grenfell video. Her story mirroring Dennis’s own.
Robby says nothing, just nodding his head.
“I just need a second.” Dennis really just wants to run and hide. Like a little boy still on the farm, afraid of the Rooster. “I wasn’t expecting to see them here, Is all”
“If you need time, Whitaker, I understand.” Whether that's time with them, or time to hide isn’t said out loud.
“I need to see them, check up. Is my mom hurt?” They are in the hospital, after all.
“Your mother came in exhibiting symptoms of nausea, dizziness, headache, chest tightness. Blood pressure upon arrival 131/82. A second check was at 119/80. All other tests have come back normal.”
Dennis responds with a possible diagnosis. “Potential causes of high blood pressure are stress, lack of sleep….” no doubt caused by Dennis.
“Huck, don’t feel guilted into seeing them.” Trinity sounds concerned.
“I want to. It’s been long enough. And how disappointed could they be now?” He laughs and gestures to himself. He is a doctor, after all. His laugh is forced though. He downs the rest of his coffee and stands up. It certainly doesn't help his racing heart, but it does clear the haze. Ignoring Trinity and Robby’s gaze, he walks out towards his parents room. The curtain is closed now, and he can hear them softly talking inside. He takes a deep breath in, and steadies himself. Straightening his spine and his stethoscope around his neck.
He gives a courtesy knock to the wall outside, and slides open the curtain. Shutting it behind him.
His mother meets his eyes first. They widen with recognition and shock. She’s got a hospital gown on, and a heart rate monitor is connected to her bony finger. An IV is in her arm, giving saline to rehydrate. “Denny..” She whispers out. Astonished.
“Hi Mom.” He’s still standing tall, but he feels very, very small here.
His father clears his throat. “Dennis.”
“Dad.”
“It’s good to see you, son.” This is more awkward then Dennis Imagined, actually. His family has communicated with him since he left the church. Most of those messages leaned more towards harassment than a real desire to catch up. Emails and phone calls from family members, friends, his Bishop.
“How are you feeling mom?” He busies himself with her chart.
“Oh, I’m feeling much better Denny.” Her voice is soft, just as he remembered it to be. It floats like a feather out of her, dainty and childlike. But, its forced. Like her real voice is fighting to stay hidden. “Even better seeing you. We’ve been praying for you.”
“Thank you, Mom.” That’s as much of an acknowledgment he’s willing to give on that. “Have you seen your GP about any High Blood Pressure Issues?”
“Dennis. She’s not your patient. She’s your Mother.” His Father has the same expression he always had on. A devout Mormon Man, a Farmer, A husband. He takes his role of the head of his household seriously. He commands a room.
Dennis Closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Why are you in Pittsburgh?"
“To see you Denny.”
“We need to talk.” Dennis doesn't know what his father wants to talk about. What he could need to talk about. “The other Doctor said this could have been caused by stress. Do you know how much stress you”ve put on your Mother? On our Family?”
“Do you know the stress you’ve caused me?” Dennis feels Bold. Or stupid. “I left for a reason. Look at me.” He grabs for his Doctor badge. Holding it up to them. “I’m a Doctor here. I’m Doctor Dennis Whitaker. I’m in my First year of Residency. It’s hard, but so rewarding. I spend everyday saving lives. Helping people who are sick, injured, sad, in need of help. My first day here was the hardest of my life. Older co-workers say that was the worst day of their careers. That was my first day. And that night, after helping countless people I was met with a text from Jackson of how much of a disappointment I was. You can beg, plead, get angry. I’ll still show up here the next day.” He’s calmer than he expects himself to be.
In the first years after leaving the church, he would daydream of big, dramatic, screaming fights. Slamming doors and breaking plates. Intense speeches where he would be left sobbing from anger and stomping away. His parents on the losing end of the argument and a heavy weight of victory in his chest.
Or, of coming home to the farm. Golden sunlight passing through tall stalks of corn. His childhood tire swing shifted slightly in the soft breeze. His mama would run down from the porch of their old faded house to meet him in a hug. A party for his med school graduation waiting for him in the barn. His brothers would fondly tease him, calling just “Doctor” all night. He would watch as his little cousins ran free through the tall grass, playing with their dogs. Knowing something more waits out there for them. His Dad would give him a firm handshake, and ruffle his hair. Then hang up a picture of him and his degree, wearing a freshly pressed white coat and a brand new cowboy hat in the living room.
“Denny, you have such a good passion to help people.” His mother starts. “You would have made such a good Bishop.” His parents were stuck in their ways. He knows this. Any hope differently would be wishful thinking.
“Are you still attending service, son?” He doesn’t answer that question. The science is answer enough. A look on his father's face shows disappointment. “You have such a strong testimony.”
Dennis did. In Sunday school at church, at bible study, in prayer before meals little Dennis would stand tall, all bony knees and too big head, and proclaim: 'I want to save people! My purpose from the Lord is to use my voice, my body, my soul, to save people!'
Dennis supposes he’s still living to his testimony. But no longer is he saving souls for the Afterlife. Now, he’s saving the person's physical body. A desire to keep them on earth, and respect their humanity.
“I need to get back to work.” Dennis turns away. This is why he stopped responding back. All conversations lead in circles. Only upsetting all parties.
“Can I have a hug?” His Mother looks close to tears. This will probably be the last time they see each other for a while. Dennis nods yes.
He leans down, and tucks his Mother in his arms and his head in her shoulder. Her hands squeeze the back of his scrubs. With gentle care of the wires, he holds his Mother for a moment. A hand rests on his shoulder. Big and solid. They stay in this position for too long. Dennis feels his knees burn from the position. They can all pretend everything is fine, in that movement. That a church and expectations the wedge between them.
Breaking the embrace, Dennis stands. Unshed tears burn behind his eyes. “Dad, I’m not coming back. I’m meant to be here. You two should go back home, once Ma’s able.”
His father nods curtly. His face holds an expression Dennis has never seen him wear. Almost sad.
“We love you Denny.” His mom has a wobble in her voice.
“I love you too.” And he means it.
With that, he exits the room, closing the curtain on his parents. The chaos of the ED rushes his senses back to reality. Trinity stands close by, charting on a computer. Or, she’s not quite working on anything. So she was listening in. Dennis is thankful for that. Otherwise she would have had questions, and Dennis is too emotionally spent to answer any. She just gives him a supportive smile and turns to actually chart.
He spots Robby and Langdon at a desk, watching him. He makes his way over.
“Are you okay?” Robby asks as soon as Dennis is next to them.
“I just need a minute.” Dennis is sure he looks spent. Exhausted.
Robby reaches over and grips his shoulder. It’s different from his father's. It’s comforting, grounding, pressure. Rather than a controlling hand.
“Take your time, Whitaker. Go grab some water.”
“Your mom is really nice, Whitaker.” Langdon tells him.
“She is.”
“I’ve got them. She’ll be ready to discharge soon. Just with a recommendation to speak to her GP and to reduce salt and stress from her routine.” Dennis is glad it was Langdon to care for his mother. He’s kind, objective, and most importantly discreet. Dennis nods a thanks, and heads back towards the break room.
The rest of his shift passes smoothly. His parents disappear from the ED, hopefully straight back to Nebraska. Nurses and Doctors give him funny looks. Gossip about the resident farm boy and his family drama swirl in whispers.
The drive back to their apartment is silent. Dennis closes his eyes, leaning against the cool window of Trinity’s car. Bumpy roads of Pittsburgh shake his head. Trinity plays an indie playlist over the radio. Traffic in the city is blessedly light.
She pushes him straight towards his shower when they get in the door. “Shower. Pizza. Beer. Great British Bake off.” He’s definitely not arguing with those orders. His shower removes the last of the tension from the day. Lathering his hair and body in his array of pleasant smelling soaps. Steam blocks the stress from his mind.
Dennis and Trinity lay together on the couch. Legs intertwined as they eat their frozen pizza. Their beer has gone slightly warm, but they both still sip. Little laughs or comments on the bakes slip out. The day is mostly forgotten.
Next to their TV, they have a gallery wall. Trinity hung pictures of them and their friends, artworks, and keepsakes on a cork board. Thrifted picture frames that match the rest of their pierced together apartment. One holds a picture from Dennis’s Medical School Graduation. It’s Him in his cap and gown. Smile so wide. Trinity, Mel, and Victoria stand on his sides. They have their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. Beside, is a picture of later that day at his graduation party. Hosted by Doctor Robby. It was a simple party, in the backyard of his house. Robby, Abbot, and Dana stand with him. Dennis stands tall and proud in the center.