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The figure before him was huddled into a ball at the door's base, knees pulled to chest, arms clasping around them, entire body quivering like a frightened child. The entire form twitched and tensed, coiled as if about to spring as he took a few steps closer. Golden eyes Caj had seen only in hazy memories and dusty fragments lifted and met his own. They were dulled with such agony and loss and guilt, but all of that vanished into a twisted, pathetic hope that wrung the blonde's confused heart.
"...Nils...? Nikki?" The man before him half rose, using the chains on the sturdy oak door behind him as a support, and Caj reached for him when he staggered. Trembling fingers dug into his arm - or tried to; the lack of strength in the grip was worrying, and the dragon could tell he was using all that he could muster.
"I have none-- I locked everything away-- All the memories, everything from those times, so..." He swallowed hard, sagged in Caj's hold, but didn't avert his eyes. "I haven't seen them in...how long has it been? They haven't tried...to break in recently...I don't think?" Caj tried to quench the rambling, but the man - so blurry and yet so prominent in his splintered memories - surged on. "They can't know...! What you look like...! So it's-- it has to be you." The hope built on itself, became something tangible, and it was suddenly hard to breathe, impossible to deny.
"I'm here."
Those golden eyes shimmered - tears? - and then closed. An exhausted breath rattled from his chest and his head lowered to rest against the blonde's shoulder.
"Help me."
Caj's mouth opened to reply, to say he'd do whatever he could to bring this familiar stranger home, to rescue him like he had been rescued in the past when he was a different man. Before the words could leave his lips, the solid, trembling form in his arms faded. Caj's own eyes widened, his voice caught in his throat, and the sudden clank! thunk! of the thick and heavy chains on the ornate door jerked his attention to them.
He hesitated. From what Iden told him, it would be a series of rooms, of doors, and so it had been so far. But none of the doors had been locked, and so tightly. The corridors had been deserted, empty and cold. The silence had been the worst of it, the way his steps echoed throughout the eerie halls. Faint candle light was thrown about by candles set into the walls, but their faint crackling was the only sound in the mental corridors. Virtually every single doorway Caj passed was devoid of its door in some way: some were crushed in, some fallen flat into the darkness beyond, some broken in splintered wooden pieces in the frame. All acts of destruction and violation.
What lay beyond the door before him, the only intact door left, was a mystery, but it would also hold healing...and answers. Missing shards of memory to slot back into place. Because ever since he first opened his eyes, his mind, his heart, his very soul ached with...something. Some twisting, burning sensation. Something that made him feel empty, hollow.
He half expected the knob to burn him at the touch, but no such thing happened. There was no grand drama upon the door swinging open, either. Not even a sound, not a squeak.
Caj stepped into the darkness.
He allowed the door to quietly click shut behind him.
He was faced with a two doors and two names. Two familiar names that each caused a twist in his gut.
The door on the left was a royal gold, with ornate carvings of dragons scaling the length of the structure. Even the knob was of a dragon's head, regal, intimidating. Above the door was a plaque, and a name in bold, striking letters burned into Caj's mind, stirred more of those fuzzy, splintered memories.
N I K O L A S
To his right was a door of pale blue, the sky without a single cloud, with engravings of musical notes and symbols. Rather than giving off a royal air, the door emanated a childlike kindness and innocence. The knob was bronze, and in the shape of a violin, intricately designed. As like the first door, above the whimsical musical notes was another plaque with another name, one more familiar (and more painful, oh so much more painful).
N I L S
Two doors.
Two choices.
For as fragmented as he was, he knew Nikolas to be the starting point, and if he wanted to help the soul of the - comrade? best friend? - man in the previous room, he would have to unravel everything. He approached the door, and as he did so a younger, more innocent vision of the blue-haired man appeared before him, standing protectively in front of the door. Lines were missing upon his face, lines of stress, of loss and grief. His eyes were lacking the bone-deep sorrow the original guardian sported. Upon realizing who it was he was looking at, golden eyes widened and he reached for Caj, gripping his arms.
"Nikki...!"
He knelt to support the smaller man's weight as he sagged with relief, and those more innocent golden eyes lifted to his own. They held an air of desperate panic, and trembling fingers dug into his arm.
"You're back you're here I haven't lost you you're here...!"
'But you did. I remember that much, at the very least, my friend... Of all things I remember that death clearly and vividly...'
But he had not the heart to say it, to give voice to the words that would no doubt wreck the fragile consciousness in his arms. He didn't possess such cruelty as to tear apart the dream that he was who this apparition was waiting for. And so he remained quiet.
"They never got through the door...! The memories in here..." his eyes trailed to the other side of the room, and his body wracked with a shiver so violent that Caj felt him nearly drop. "They're safe...all safe." Those expressive eyes turned back on him. "So if you need to remember...! If you need to then go in...! Nothing's missing...I made sure of it."
Caj nodded, but not even that could satisfy the hungry look in the golden eyes before him. So he forced a smile and patted the blue hair, and the resulting, relieved grin was almost too much for Caj to take. It was so trusting, so caring, so loving. The man - boy? young adult? - in his arms faded slowly, much like the man had outside, the original guard, and Caj glanced uneasily at the door.
It was now or never.
The dragon knob was warm beneath his palm, and it turned easily. The door opened silently on its hinges, giving Caj a view of a landscape so black he couldn't even make out the floor.
The time had come. They may not be his memories, but they contained intimate knowledge of him all the same. Would it really be worth it to put shattered pieces back together, rather than forge something new from whatever ashes Caj had been born from? It could be worth it, he figured, to come out a completely new person, a new man, but the guilt... The curiosity and the guilt of never knowing, and of turning his back on the poor soul who had been waiting for him (not him the one he's waiting for is already dead) would eat him up inside.
So in reality, he had no other option than to step over the threshold and into the blackness.
XxXxX
Sunlight streams down through the leaves, spots the ground. Fruity aromas from giant, vividly purple flowers permeate the air. Voices carry happily through the stillness of the forest, a light, friendly banter. A discussion of lodging for the night is held. A joke is told. Opinions are thrown around about crossing the country border. The atmosphere is gentle, lighthearted, peaceful.
He loves it. He can't get enough of it.
Compared to the dark days in his shop, when hardly ten visitors would stop by daily...how can he go back now that he's had a taste of something so ripe and beautiful? He's seen the sun creep up over mountains, he's seen the sun lower her head on great bodies of water. He's breathed in the air of so many countries. And all with someone he can't imagine living without. He trades quips with Nikolas as they walk, discuss where they should head next in the dragon's grand adventure.
XxXxX
Yells.
Screams.
All extraneous sounds are drowned out as he focuses his mind, homes in on Nikolas. He can feel the magic coursing throughout the blonde, making its way to the tips of his gloved fingers, and he directs it from Nikolas's mind like a conductor.
They work in perfect unison.
Just like they always do. Their teamwork is a beautiful harmony only perfected after hours of grueling practice and long hours of acceptance on both sides. After all, allowing a telepathic vampire to enter and see into your mind is no small feat. It takes courage and an exorbitant amount of trust.
But they are close now, closer than he ever imagined they could be.
And he feels like he can soar.
XxXxX
He feels the bond form, snap into place like a collar around his neck, the second he spots his golden-haired guest.
Shock.
He snaps at the blonde, borderline harasses him about his wares, accuses him of things that aren't his fault.
Anger.
He begrudgingly offers to accompany him because he has no choice, because once again his life is no longer his own.
Acceptance.
He explains the bond to the stranger - to Nikolas - because now he's drawn into it as well, unwilling or not.
"We are no longer separate entities. We're one, bonded. You were drawn here by some kind of force. It can't be anything other than fate, as cruel as she sometimes is. Whether or not we wish to, we have to work together."
He sighs because becoming bonded is something he never wished for, not when all he wants is to run his potion shop on the outskirts of Kijima. He doesn't want to travel. He resents, hates Nikolas for it. He despises the curse for existing, for tearing him away from his peaceful life.
He vows to fight the bond with everything he has, and one day break it so he can return peacefully to his shop, to his quiet and tranquil life.
XxXxX
The meeting is smooth as silk, and he couldn't be happier. Nikolas and Iden hit it off immediately, and even Matthias doesn't really find much to complain about (how can he, when his mind is so full of his master?). Still, he's pleased.
It makes him happy to see his partner, his best friend, get along so well with his former benefactor, now ally and friend. He has wanted to introduce Nikki and Iden for quite some time, but they only just got back to Fuyuki after a long, weary, yet enjoyable trip through Stormalor and Altaine. He hasn't been back since his last visit after he was released from service. As much as the main house sickens him, seeing his old friends again warm his heart.
He nudges Nikolas as they pad down the wooden hall.
"Just wait till you see the onsen, Nikki, it's to die for!"
XxXxX
Disbelief.
Fear.
Agony.
Anger.
Hatred.
Despair.
His world crashes around him, shatters into thousands of deadly stars. He is paralyzed from the moment he ascends the stairs, out of breath, gasping for air, shaky from his own battle. His words catch in his throat in horror, the first syllables of his partner's name dying on his tongue.
The voice is enough.
Nikolas looks at him.
That brief, flash of violet - pained, yet determined to see things through; agonized and regretful, but unwavering and brave - is the final thing he sees before a curtain of black slams across his field of vision.
He knows he screams. He can hear his voice ring through the vast, empty room; he can feel his throat protest and his voice crack beneath the pressure.
When the curtain rises, when vision finally returns and he's conscious once more, Nikolas' body is nowhere to be found. He pushes his tired body past its limits, scouring the top floor of the castle for any sign of his dearest friend. The only thing stopping him from tearing the entire place apart is the bone-deep fatigue and the mind-numbing guilt.
'His magic...too much...he couldn't channel it properly... I wasn't here where I needed to be.'
His heart, his very soul is hollow, empty, devoid of that extra warmth and light. The bond is severed, broken, utterly destroyed, and the frayed ends twist into him like a knife. He hasn't just lost his best friend, his closest ally. He has lost a part of himself, a very dear part that can't ever be replaced.
Not one, but two lives are forfeit that day.
XxXxX
One day he looks at Nikolas from behind and thinks "He has a nice back. Tall, straight, and unwavering. He always knows where he's going, always has a cool head, seeking new challenges. I guess I kinda like that about him..."
One day he glances at Nikolas as they trudge side-by-side up a rocky mountain path and thinks "How does he keep his hair so golden like that? Never mind that, how does he keep it looking so perfect all the time? Even when just rolling out of bed! And those eyes...! That shade with that golden hair! How he smiles, just a little, when he's got his nose buried in those tomes he calls books!"
One day he gazes at Nikolas while they sit across from each other in a small eatery in Stormalor and thinks "He's always seeking more knowledge, he's been accommodating with the bond... He's got a temper but he's always trying to do what's right. He's funny. He's intelligent. He's kind. He's strong. He's witty."
One day he peers at Nikolas as they browse through an Altean stall and thinks "I'm in love."
One day his heart breaks when he realizes "He won't notice."
One day he reconciles with himself and settles with never saying anything.
"Loving from a distance is fine. There's no need for anything more. We'll be together forever anyway, so I win in the end."
XxXxX
Caj about fell backward out of the door. He only barely managed to catch himself on his hands, staring up at the black wall before him with wide, overwhelmed violet eyes. The emotions swimming in his mind were overstimulating, suffocating, and...were they even his own?
Was the anger, the loathing, the fury and rage his own?
Was the comaraderie, the easygoing contentment his own?
Was the lighthearted, fluffy feeling of love and euphoric bliss his own?
Was the crushing sense of defeat, loss, and utter agony his own?
Slowly and unbidden, the door to the memories of Nikolas silently swung shut.
How could he compete with that? Was that him? The blank spaces in his memory slowly bled with color, bright and vivid, and he couldn't remember being Nikolas, but he could feel that he was Nikolas. Seeing himself through the eyes of another was disorientating but insightful nonetheless...though the sheer volume of emotions, the weight of them pressing down in his soul was suffocating. He pressed a hand to his chest and recalled the emotions in the young man's eyes earlier, the sheer longing relief of the original guardian.
"But I am not Nikolas, merely a shadow. To see myself in such a...radiant light from the eyes of someone else is too much." Caj passed a hand over his own eyes and took a steadying breath. Deep violet eyes trailed to the side, to the second door, and a heavy atmosphere dropped upon him like a thick, dampening blanket.
Nikolas may have been the starting point, the place where everything began, his origins, but the second door - "Nils" - would prove an even greater challenge. He could feel it in his bones. Already, just by looking at the door, he could feel the guilt build in his throat, in his chest. His soul.
Because unlike Nikolas, Caj remembered Nils.
And now he would have to see the memories from the vampire's eyes, because to leave now would just be an insult.
Caj swallowed his apprehension and slowly crossed the dark and empty room to the second door. As had happened with the first door, as Caj approached, the blue-haired vampire appeared again. He looked older this time, with more wear and strain in new lines in his face. Those expressive golden eyes, when Caj approached, did not light with warmth or familiarity, but shutter instead with unease and wariness. A hesitant hand slowly reached out and crossed the distance between their bodies, but halfway there it stopped. Fingers trembled in the dim lighting and finally the hand dropped away back to its owner's side.
The blue-haired man seemed to shrink almost, avoided looking Caj in the eyes, and the blonde felt his heart clench. Despite the horrific atrocities that had been wrought upon the vampire's mind (daresay even his sanity), he still remembered.
The silence between them was heavy and unpleasant, made thick by tension and almost painful by the nagging in Caj's heart. He was just about to open his mouth and say words of his own, when a small yet steady voice broke the silence first.
"Whatever you see, please forgive me. I'm so sorry."
Caj reached out, trying to forestall the imminent disappearance, but his hand closed on empty air. Nothing but a shadowy wisp remained, and it looked startled that Caj had tried to grab at him. Surprised and fading golden eyes turned up, searched Caj's face intently, and his mouth opened. Silent words spilled from his lips, and the light was much too dim for Caj to really make anything out. The apparition faded without a sound.
The light blue door before him swung open slowly without his prompting.
The blackness before him was foreboding and stifling, but he pressed forward and into the dark.
XxXxX
He feels the tugging of the bond mere seconds before the small bell above his door tinkles and the customer enters.
Disbelief.
He's rounding the counter without a second thought, blonde hair with a permanent cowlick, and violet eyes so vibrant and full of life flitting through his mind.
Hope.
The man he sees gazing curiously at his wares both looks nothing like Nikolas...and yet exactly like him at the same time, to the point that he has to stop himself from enveloping the stranger in a hug.
The blonde is confused, ditzy, not entirely there, but he feels like Nikolas so there is nothing to be done. He has no choice. Without the stranger's permission he steps slowly, carefully into his mind, slips through the front door. Into emptiness.
Confusion.
Nothing but darkness and blank space exists in this man's mind, save for a few memories of suddenly being.
His very soul trembles, aches, because there is nothing for him to tap into. No doors for him to open, no memories to unleash and unlock. The blonde before him is a complete blank slate, utterly devoid of anything that could potentially make up a person.
Those curious eyes turn to him, brighten, and a smile wide as any graces his face.
'Nils'.
The stranger - Nils - is seeking someone to fix his violin and to restore his memories, seemingly aware of the strange emptiness inside of himself. How can he refuse such an offer? His soul is singing at the bond being reborn, whether or not Nils can feel its existence. A promise to fix Nils' violin comes up, and to restore his lost memories, but only if the blonde helps acquire the ingredients for such a potion.
As if such a concoction could actually exist.
But what else was he supposed to say to garner the blonde's acceptance of traveling together so quickly?
They set off the same day, and he hasn't felt quite so happy, so light in what feels like a millennia.
XxXxX
He feels sick. Guilty. He isn't supposed to feel this, not for someone who isn't really Nikolas. Isn't it some sort of betrayal? Can it really be betrayal, though, when the recipient never knew of his affections in the first place? Isn't he supposed to stay loyal despite Nikolas not being here anymore?
Is Nils not really just some sort of copy?
Is he wrong? Is he broken? Is he sick?
Has the loneliness finally gone to his head? Is he really this desperate? Crazed and obsessed enough to have feelings for Nils just because he bears such a strong resemblance to Nikolas?
There has to be something wrong with him, something broken and tattered that can't be fixed.
He stares at the back of the blonde's head as they walk, having fallen behind at some point.
He can't sully this innocent man.
He can't break and ruin such a kind spirit.
He can't lie to the blonde's face.
Because what if it really isn't Nils he loves, but still Nikolas? How will he be able to tell the difference?
He isn't right. His feelings are not based in reality.
Yet whenever Nils gives him that look with those shining and innocent violet eyes, he can't help but imagine and dream.
And it's wrong.
XxXxX
Sometimes he forgets their goal, the end game, the mission.
Sometimes he gets so distracted listening to Nils play for children in a town square, or to accompany the birds in early morning.
The notes that come from the violin (he bought Nils a new one so that he could still play on their journey; the sorrowful look he kept throwing to his broken one had just been too much to bear) send him to bigger, better places. They send him back in time, back to when Nikolas was still joking and traveling and living.
Sometimes the tunes are jaunty adventures to accompany them up a rocky mountain path.
Sometimes the tunes are a minuet and harmonize with the voices of birds in the thick forests.
Sometimes the tunes are melancholic and send him to sleep with bittersweet dreams dancing behind his eyelids.
Every time he hears Nils eagerly take the violin out, his heart beat, beat, beats in his chest, a staccato rhythm of anticipation because, really, he had never felt quite as close to Nikolas as when beautiful music passed through his ears.
And every time he praises the blonde for his skills, oh, how he lights up and glows with pleasure. And that...that's nice, too.
XxXxX
"You knew."
His entire universe shatters around him, and his hand falls limply back to his side.
That isn't Nils' voice.
It belongs to someone else, someone different, someone new. A voice in the back of his head whispers it, hisses that Nils is gone, gone, gone forever just like Nikolas. He doesn't want to accept that.
He can't.
"Nils, I--"
"My name isn't Nils." Those beautiful violet eyes harden and narrow to slits, sharp as daggers, deadly as poison, and that tiny voice in his mind urges him back and away. "Those feelings are for Nikolas." He doesn't want to be on the receiving end of such a look, not from those eyes. He takes a step closer to the dragon despite the desire to flee, his very soul crying out in desperation.
"No, they aren't-- I mean, they were at first, but--"
He stops.
His teeth click shut.
He stares into beautifully devastating eyes and just stops.
There is nothing else he can say. Those eyes have shuttered down on him, locked him out, rejected him. His own feelings - guilt, sorrow, regret - well up within his chest, aching to burst free in a wild torrent. He has failed again, and the second time feels even worse than the first, because he really just can't come to terms with the truth: that everything is his fault.
Again.
Iden was right. As usual.
He can't even feel the ground beneath his feet as he slowly steps away, held mesmerized by the not-Nils' eyes. The breaking point comes, passes, shatters around him when the not-Nils opens his mouth again. Anticipating something, harsh words said in an icy, cutting tone perhaps, he finally turns and flees.
He is such a coward.
XxXxX
He can see the sorrow in Iden's eyes when his longtime friend, his former master, looks at him. He can feel the pity in Matthias' gaze as he stands tall and silent in the background.
He doesn't care because at his side is his second chance. His hope for the future. He has Nils, and he knows it is sheer desperation (obsession, even) that's driving him to this journey. But the painful thrumming in his soul will not allow anything more. And despite all of that, he still wants Iden's blessing. He wants some sort of reminder (no matter how bitter) of the old days, when those thulian eyes warmed at the sight of his old friend finally setting out on an adventure.
The visit is not nearly so pleasant this time, laced with tension and pain and guilt, and yet Iden is understanding. He sends the duo off several days later with his blessing, and bittersweet parting words when Nils is out of earshot.
"Do not break yourself over someone who doesn't really exist."
All Iden receives in return is a soft, sad smile, yet somehow earnest all the same, and a quiet "I know, Iden-chan, but empty or not, the bond is still here. Even if it's cruel of me, I can't let him go."
XxXxX
One day he looks at Nils' back and thinks "He walks like Nikki... He's cautious but not cowardly. He walks straight, like Nikki did, and he holds himself tall. His gait is a little different, but I sort of like that..."
One day he glances at Nils' eyes as they travel side-by-side up a leafy forest trail and thinks "They're the same shade as Nikki...exactly the same. I must be masochistic to be so greedy. I just wish his weren't so empty, but maybe I can help; maybe this journey can help. Rather than memories...maybe Nils will really come to exist."
One day he gazes at Nils as he fiddles with his violin and thinks "Nikki played a few times for me before, but I've never heard anything so melodic and beautiful in my life. I can almost see the notes dance in front of my eyes...! He can tell stories with his music, and I guess that's pretty neat..."
One day he peers at Nils as he beams back at him and runs towards him with fatty Altean goodies in hand and thinks "He's so childish...! But the way he does everything is so sincere, so heartfelt and kind, how can one just push that aside?"
One day his heart quivers and tears in half, because he really does love Nils as Nils, and it doesn't feel like a betrayal, but a cleansing.
One day he gathers his courage to confess, because the sheer agonizing thought of keeping it bottled inside again forever is the most terrifying thing he can imagine.
Five minutes later they share a kiss, and he truly believes he has been forgiven and is allowed to move on.
XxXxX
This time Caj fell all the way back, not even feeling the pain as he struck the cold, hard floor. He pushed himself halfway up, hesitated, and just allowed his head to fall back, allowed his eyes to stare unseeingly at the ceiling.
The images, the sounds, the smells, the sensations all faded into background noise, and yet Caj had difficulty shaking himself from them. He had to force himself to feel the cold, hard stone beneath his hands, to hear the utter silence of an abandoned room, and to see the immaculately designed door for Nils right before him. But that was okay, that was just fine. He took his time coming back to himself, coming back to his surroundings.
Because how was he supposed to react to...all of that? How was he supposed to react to such an unleashing of emotions?
Was he supposed to be angry that the vampire had set out with an ulterior motive? With some selfish desire left unfulfilled from a previous version of himself? Caj supposed he should. He didn't.
Was he supposed to empathize with him? With the new emotions that had only just been born, emotions he was just figuring out for himself? Impossible.
Was he supposed to forget what he saw? Sweep it all under the rug with a careless gesture, let the blue-haired vampire know that it was all nothing? To do so would be so disrespectful.
So, then, what could he feel? What was he supposed to feel?
Pity? Sympathy?
Because seeing from eyes not his own...was a shock, to say the very least. He hadn't known what to feel when he realized the truth: that his apparent longtime companion had his own ulterior motives. If, maybe, just maybe, if he had been less confused, less a muddled mess and completely unsure of who he was...then maybe he might have given chase when the man had taken off. Instead he had watched him go, with a blank sense of dumbfounded confusion. He hadn't stopped him.
He hadn't even tried.
Caj covered his eyes with his arm and raked in a few deep breaths.
"I wish I had. None of this would have happened."
He lowered his arm slowly, stared at the stony ceiling. Of course, there was nothing to be done about it now. No good crying over spilled milk, as they said. All he could do now was try and mend the shattered mind, fix the fractured psyche.
Ideas whirled in his head, wheels turned, and slowly plans began to formulate, only to fall to pieces once more. He couldn't think here, not with so much suffocation and pain whirling in the very air. Caj sat up slowly, carefully, and closed his eyes again, this time deliberately, blocking out the two doors from his mind and retreating the way he had originally come. He half expected the original vision to appear once he crossed the threshold, but no such thing happened. Caj carefully closed the door so as not to disturb the memories any further than he already had (he could almost feel them roiling at having been seen in the first place). The chains he carefully reset as best as he could. With all of the other doors forcefully destroyed and broken down, he had to make sure to leave this one intact. Whole.
Finally, when all was said and done, with his mind still whirling and spinning, Caj opened his eyes, his real eyes, slowly. Gone was he from the empty, dark corridors of his former companion's mind. He was again in the little room Matthias had prepared specifically for Sapaia's unprecedented stay. It was more than a little cozy (one of Iden's finer, judging by the size alone), and the only thing marring it were the chains binding the vampire's arms up and apart. Caj couldn't help but wonder if they had been moved to such a position back when he was more violent, more possessed and not in his right mind.
Sshhff
Deep violet eyes glanced back at the chained man and he came face to face with the most exhausted pair of eyes he had ever seen in his life. Dull, fatigued, lifeless, yet somehow still aware - aware of an ally before him, a friend, a comforting presence. Caj reached forward, rested his hand on the vampire's sunken cheek with a gentle, warm touch. The gaze trembled, came back slowly, and Caj broke the stiff and heavy silence.
"Look inside me. You won't even have to work at it.'
Silence.
Nothing.
The broken and chained man before him did nothing, said nothing, and Caj began to worry, to wonder if his words had even gotten through. He splayed his fingers across the man's cheek.
"Come on, there aren't even any doors for you. You just need to step in. Look into my eyes, then climb through the window."
Hazy golden eyes did focus then, just a little, but enough to give Caj hope. He was still there, and he was responding to Caj's voice. The man before him tensed a little, straining against fatigue and exhaustion, and then he felt it: a push, a light prod, a fumbling in his mind and spirit. He closed his eyes then and welcomed his former companion with open arms.
The setting for the meeting was nothing extravagant; nothing of the sort was needed, after all. Caj met the vampire in a black, open room. There were no other doors to be seen, just the one, empty room. The figure that showed up in Caj' mind was that of the third young man, the world-weary, wary one. He didn't look comfortable or at peace to be in Caj's mind. Rather, he looked upset and anxious. Uneasy tension rode him hard, made him stiff and unyielding, and it tugged at Caj's heartstrings. The dragon approached slowly, keeping his hands up to show he meant no harm, and the man swayed back a little but held his ground. When the blonde was finally within arm's reach he stopped, just looked at the man before him.
Tired golden eyes sharpened by the tiniest amount and glanced up, just for a moment, as if he couldn't bear to take his gaze away from Caj for too long.
He licked his lips tentatively and opened his mouth.
"Caj."
His voice was a mere whisp, an exhausted breath.
"Caj. Caj. Caj."
With every repetition the man shrank back a little more as the memories sharpened to a needle point. He put a name to the face that he remembered last, the face he could have sworn was twisting in anger or disappointment. He struggled as if he wasn't ready to face that man - to face Caj - again.
Caj reached forward and gripped the man's shoulders, preventing him from running away again (just like he should have done from the get go, and none of this would have happened, none of this suffering would have come to pass). He could feel the trembling, he could taste the fear, he could smell the apprehension and trepidation, he could even hear the thumpthumpthump of his heart. Caj squeezed the man's shoulders, pulled him close, felt him struggle. The blonde resisted, wrapped his arms around the man's back.
(he can still see the gentle, loving warmth in the vampire's eyes as he watched Nils' bow slide over the violin)
"It's okay." The vampire's shoulders hitched and his body quivered.
(he can still feel the guilt and pain of a torn mind, agonizing if it is really okay to fall in love with someone else, even if that person isn't Nikolas)
"He loved you, too." An ugly, broken sob wrenched from the shuddering figure.
(he can hear the utter agony in the man's voice when he tries to explain everything away, he can hear the words tremble and die in the air)
"I'm not angry, I forgive you." The body arched towards him, trying to make itself as small as possible.
He felt the wetness of tears against his neck, allowed it to happen. The empty silence of the room was punctured by sharp sobs and deep rattling breaths as the man in his arms cried out emotions that had long since needed a release. Gradually the duo sank to the ground, the vampire's knees unable to support his weight in the moment. Caj didn't mind. Sitting on the hard ground only made it easier to provide comfort. He squeezed the vampire's shoulder, pressed against the small of his back.
Seconds crawled past, delved into minutes, and still Caj sat, holding the shorter man while he cried out all the pain and suffering, the guilt and grief. Slowly, finally, the tension seeped out of the body in his arms, leaving it limp and drained. There was a sniffle.
"Come back. You can wake up now."
A hitch of breath, a final shuddered exhale, and Caj thought his words finally struck a chord.
Some time later he could feel the weak presence in his mind pulling away. It felt warmer than it had when it entered, more whole, more stable. The body in his arms slowly began to fade, and Caj couldn't help but glance down, wondering, hoping to see those golden eyes, but the fading blue head was still nestled against the crook of his neck. He couldn't help but wonder if it was his imagination that had him hearing a faint "thank you" as the figure vanished completely in the next second.
When Caj next opened his eyes, it was to a deeply - peacefully - slumbering vampire. The lines of tension in his face were gone. He was still too thin, but food would take care of that no problem. The deep furrows at his brows were no more, and his expression was one of exhausted tranquility. It was with a quiet breath of relief that Caj reached into his pocket for a key Iden had given him for the shackles, and unlocked them as carefully, as quietly as possible.
There was no more need for them.
The intruders who had stampeded through the man's mind were nowhere to be found. He wasn't in danger of going berserk any longer.
He was safe. For the first time in months.
He could sleep.
He could rest.
He could heal.
Caj felt drained, like he'd gone ten rounds in some magical tournament with no time to rest. But as he watched his comrade - his friend - breathe comfortably for the first time in what must have felt like ages, he felt at peace. He smiled.
"Welcome home, Sapaia."