Chapter Text
Shane had sat in silence for the last hour staring at the ceiling. He completely fucked up. Seriously fucked up. He had never had such a big fight with Ilya, during their whole entire relationship. Yes they had petty little arguments just like any ordinary couple, but never like this. Shane tried to pin point the exact moment where it all went to shit. They had a very tense Christmas day with one another, constantly making snarky comments back and forward the whole day. Ilya would not stop bitching about his diet. Why did it even bother him? He didn't try force it onto anyone else, or at least he did his very best not to.
"It's fucking Christmas, Hollander. Eat a cookie", Ilya's voice rang through his brain. He just didn't understand. No matter how much he wanted to, he had to keep as fit as possible. Shane wanted to play hockey into his late 30s. He wanted to go down as one of the best hockey players to ever grace the ice. This diet would help him achieve that. It would keep him in shape. Then when Shane suggested that he would bring the photo that Ilya got framed for him, as his Christmas present. Which he loved and found so thoughtful, to his favourite place in the whole world. His cottage. He seemed slightly off after that.
There was no need to push it though, no need for another silly fight. On what should be the happiest day off the year. So Shane dropped it. He knew deep down that this was only the tip of the iceberg. There was something bigger than was bothering Ilya. It wasn't his strict diet or him having no trace of him around his home, it was refusing to attend the party that Ilya's teammate was hosting. Zane Boodram's Boxing Day party. In the heat of the moment Shane may have been dismissive. He told Ilya that he could go of course, he never has been or ever will be the type of boyfriend to dictate what Ilya can attend. He trust Ilya with his whole heart. But he couldn't just show up to the party? Okay, people knew they ran the Irina Foundation together. They organise and run summer hockey camps together. Raise money and awareness for people suffering from mental health problems. It was dear to both of them, especially since Ilya's mother committed suicide. So most of the NHL, knew they would friendly enough and business partners. But friendly enough to go to a teammate's party? Probably not. It would raise so many questions and speculation that neither of them could handle. Where they not on the same page about this? Waiting until they retired to come out? That was the plan, they both agreed. So why all of a sudden is Ilya pushing for stuff they know they can't have?
"We're not on the same anything". When did this happen? When did Ilya decide he wasn't happy now with the arrangement. Why all of a sudden bring it up now? Shane tried to be calm and reasonable, and ask why out of nowhere Ilya wanted him to go to a public event with him. That definitely was not the right way to approach it as Ilya then snapped at him saying that only people in Shane's circle know about their relationship. Well that is true, now that Shane thinks about it. Okay, valid point Ilya. He technically only told Rose, that he was dating Ilya. His Dad walked in on the two of them kissing! Of course he had to elaborate! He couldn't just tell his Dad, so his Mom found out too. They were amazing supports to them both. Then with Hayden he literally guessed! How is that his fault?! Hayden came to the conclusion on his own, and it wasn't fair to keep it from his wife Jackie. Beside Ryan Price knew too. Ilya knew him before Shane did! They were teammates! Definitely not as close as Shane was to Hayden, okay. Shane was definitely being unreasonable. Ilya was completely right. Partically everyone that knew about their relationship was from Shane's closest friends and family. That wasn't fair. He was being a hypocrite. He can admit that now. Ilya clearly wants his teammates to know about them. He wants to bring Shane to parties and get togethers, just like everyone else does. Fuck he was being an asshole to his boyfriend when he raised a fair and valid point. This had clearly being on Ilya's mind and when he mentioned it, he got so defensive and shut him down.
It suddenly dawned on Shane. What if this is what ruins them? What if Shane's unwillingness to come out is what destroyed them in the end? Everything they went through, almost eleven years together for this to potentially be the thing that ruins them? No, Shane can't let that happen. He physically won't let it happen. They have both fought so hard for them. Ilya has fought so hard for him. Shane was seriously so wrong. So utterly wrong for being so ignorant. He just assumed that hockey meant less and less to Ilya as time moved on. That he was fine playing in Ottawa. He liked all of his teammates, liked the city and liked being closer to Shane. Maybe winning Stanley Cups didn't appeal as much to Ilya now?
"What a stupid thought" Shane muttered to himself. This was Ilya Rozanov. All he ever wanted was to prove to him and everyone around him, that he could be the very best. He did just that. He won the cup before Shane even did. He revolutionised the Boston team to go and do the unthinkable. They had not made the playoffs in years! Just like Montreal hadn't until Shane came. They both changed the fortunes for their beloved teams. Ilya gave that up. All the glory, all the cheers and the support, for him. He moved to a new country, a new team and from the only place apart from Russia he ever called home. He was in Boston for almost a decade! He left it all behind for Shane. Just for Shane to essentially call him lazy! Just like Ilya's father used to do. God what a low fucking blow Shane, basically saying all your boyfriend cares about is smoking weed and not caring if he loses games anymore. He can admit he isn't the biggest fan of weed or any drugs. Maybe he was a bit of a prude, it wasn't like Ilya was an addict or anything. He occasionally smoked with his teammates, and that's okay! Totally okay, they are all responsible adults! If thats how they cope with a particularly hard game who is Shane to judge.
A sob escaped from Shane. How could he be so stupid? To question Ilya's dedication towards him? Ilya thinks that he wouldn't chose him over hockey. He was so incredibly wrong, Shane loved him so much sometimes it hurt. He felt like all the adoration he held for Ilya would brust out of him. Had he made Ilya doubt that? The thought of Ilya, the love of his life, the reason he keeps going everyday and the only person to truly see Shane for who he is, flaws in all. He wasn't perfect. Far from it, but Ilya made him feel like the only person in the world when they were together. He had to fix this. No matter what. He would risk his career and his future in hockey. At the end of the day, Ilya was the only person he wanted to spent the rest of his life with. The person he woke up to everyday, and feel asleep beside every night. Shane was willing to do anything to make it up to him. He just prayed it wasn't too late. That Ilya hadn't realise that their relationship was too complicated.
Shane was going to drive to Zane Boodram's house, and tell his teammates or frankly anyone there that Ilya was his boyfriend.