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Nancy sat cross-legged in front of the grave; a bouquet held delicately in her hands. The petals were already starting to wilt. She had meant to come a few days ago, but facing the truth was harder than killing Vecna at this point. Honestly, she could barely even get out of bed anymore. Holly would crawl into bed with her, finally understanding what she had gone through all these years, until Nancy was ready to leave the warm comfort of her sheets.
They still smelled like him.
Nancy tried her best to talk about the past few days (she didn't like sitting silently in front of his grave), how hard Will was struggling as an only child. (Once upon a time, he had had a brother and a sister.) How annoying Mike was asking her for help with his schoolwork. (They shared a weird sort of kinship, the two older Wheeler siblings. Two sides of a coin, both of them losing the love of their life.)
"Bye, Jonathan. It should have been me," she near sobbed. "But I think we were both always too stubborn to compromise."
The sky was too clear for how she was feeling. There were barely any clouds, and the light breeze made it the perfect day to go somewhere like the beach. It reminded her of the time she had visited Jonathan in California. They had visited the coast. She had choked on the weed he offered her and he had dropped his ice cream cone on his chest. It had been the best day of her life.
. . .
They were dancing to some stupid song that had come up on the radio. Some shit that Jonathan normally would have never played. Too soft and not his style at all. They had just landed two internships at the Hawkins Post. It was the only time Nancy had seen him in a tie, albeit it was currently strewn somewhere in the corner of his room.
He hummed along to melody, spinning her away before reeling her back in; her back against his chest. Nancy folded her hands over his arms, leaning her head back on his shoulder to stare into his eyes. The late afternoon sunlight spilling into his room through the flimsy curtains cast his eyes in a sort of honey brown glow. Nancy had the brief thought that she could swim in them, be lost in the color forever and never have to come up for air.
She was startled back to reality by the sight of the light no longer reflecting in his eyes as they had shifted to her. His eyes creased in the way that she knew meant he was happy. Her eyes darted down to his lips which were split in a soft grin. Jonathan spun her out and around, until she came back into his arms, chest to chest. She looped her arms around his waist, tucking her face into his neck, content with swaying so slowly that it couldn't be classified as dancing anymore. His arms came around her shoulders and held her firmly, a soft sort of comfort.
Stood there with their arms around each other, Nancy knew she would never love like this again. Not this utterly and completely.
The moment however was broken with Ms. Byers knocking softly on the door, "Jonathan, I have to go to work. Keep an eye on Will until he goes over to Mike's, okay?"
Nancy could feel the vibration of his voice through his throat as he replied to his mom.
"And tell Nancy if she's gonna stay the night again, she should call her mom," Ms. Byers added.
To the sound of Ms. Byers' footsteps fading, they burst into incredulous laughter. Nancy had been convinced they were being sneaky enough that Ms. Byers' hadn't known she was staying over most nights.
. . .
Nancy sat shaking in the parking lot of the mall. The mall that was currently on fire. Someone had wrapped a shock blanket over her shoulders and put butterfly tape over the cut on her temple. All around her, all she could hear, were sobs and denials. El was sobbing into Ms. Byers' shoulder, Will and Mike on either side of her.
She could still hear the sound of the Mindflayer collapsing onto the floor as the gate was closed, like a puppet with its strings cut. She could still see Billy getting pierced through, blood staining his white tank top. She had gone to school with him. She had seen him in the hallways, a scowl or mean smile always on his face with a girl on his arm.
"Nance," a voice softly called her attention.
She looked up at Jonathan, seeing him stab Tom. Feeling the linoleum tiles underneath her as she scrambled away from her suddenly much scarier boss. Thinking she was going to die because the door was locked and she was trapped and she could hear Jonathon, but he wasn't gonna be able to get in and she was going to die.
"Nancy," a hand landed on her shoulder, soft as a butterfly wing.
She blinked slowly, seeing Jon, the boy who had told her to run while drawing the Mindflayer's attention to him. The boy who had laid with her in the aftermath of their first run-in with the Upside Down. The boy who had swayed with her. The boy she had slept beside nearly every night this summer.
"Hi," her voice cracked on the word. "I think... I think I want to go home now."
She thought of her mom's comforting hugs, her room she had spent so long making feel like her own, her baby sister who was completely unaware of the danger this town held.
"Want me to drive you?" Jonathan asked, brandishing car keys in his shaking hands.
He looked exhausted. There was grief in the fold of his brow and the set of his shoulders. He looked like someone had dug out his heart, tossed it around, and then shoved it back in carelessly. He didn't look empty, but he looked burdened. Nancy was struck by how much they had lost. They had all always made it home before. No one who was deeply involved (not like Barb) ever died before.
"Yes, please."
He guided her to the car with an arm around her shoulders. She held him back just as firm. They leaned on each other the entire way home, physically and emotionally. He held her hand over the center console, jaw clenched. She brushed her thumb over his knuckles until he relaxed his grip on her. She kissed him, quick and chaste, as she got out of the car.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah," he still looked like he was carrying the world on his shoulders, but with him looking at her, he relaxed a little as if she had taken some of the load.
. . .
"And you'll call?"
"All the time." She laughed. "Seriously Nance, you're gonna be begging me to leave you alone."
"Okay..." She bit her lip nervously. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure."
He looked at her fondly and took her hands in his, leaning down so their foreheads touched.
"And if you ever need anything, anything, you'll call me?"
"Of course. And you will too?"
"Of course," she parroted.
They shared a charged look as the reality of the situation crashed down on them. Jonathan broke the eye contact to look at the full moving truck and all the kids hugging and saying their goodbyes.
Nancy didn't know how she was going to be able to live without Jonathan. He was her partner, in more ways than one. He was her best friend and her closest confidant. He was the photographer to her journalist. They were supposed to listed in the bylines together. No, they were going to be listed in the bylines together. Just... not yet.
She rushed forward suddenly, hugging his torso tightly, tucking her face in his shoulder and screwing her eyes shut to stop the onslaught of tears. It was a weak mimicry of only a few months ago, when they had been dancing together with no care in the world and not a thought spared to the Upside Down. His arms came around her, and the way he held her made her want to think he was holding back tears as well.
Nancy pulled back from their embrace and held Jonathan's face in her hands. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes and threatened to spill from hers.
"I love you, okay?"
"I love you," he replied, sounding choked.
They hugged again, briefly but tightly, before separating. She waved goodbye until the truck was out of sight and stood there until her face no longer felt numb and her eyes weren't tearing up. By the time she left, the kids had long gone.
. . .
Racing into Jonathan's arms, Nancy had no idea how she had tricked herself into thinking she had fallen out of love. He held her tightly, lifting her up off the ground.
"You smell like weed," she wrinkled her nose.
"Sorry," he laughed, and Nancy couldn't find it in herself to be mad at him.
She could only be glad that he was there and alive and with her. If he ever left her, Nancy didn't know what she would do with herself. Maybe it was a little codependent but she didn't care. She didn't care because she had already lost Barb, and they had just lost a man only a few years older than her who had seemed invincible right up until he wasn't.
"It's fine. I don't really care," she mumbled into his shoulder, holding him tighter.
Just be okay, she thought. Just stay okay.
. . .
"Jonathan!" Nancy cried out.
He ran in front of her as the Mindflayer's massive maw snapped at her, shoving her out of the way. They fell together onto the rocky, dry ground.
"Jonathan, Jonathan," she chanted, crawling over to him. The flames, guns, and spears surrounding them and attacking the Mindflayer meant nothing to her.
"Jonathan, no. C'mon."
Come on. Come on.
"Nancy," he said roughly, like his throat was stuffed with the small rocks surrounding them.
"Oh, thank god," she laughed wetly.
They never lost anyone. No one who had been there since the beginning. They had gotten Hopper back. Barb, Bob, Eddie, and Alexei were dead, and it was heartbreaking, but all evidence pointed to the fact that anyone who had been with them since the beginning always survived. And Nancy always believed the evidence. Jonathan had been there since 1983. Right there with her.
A hand of his came up to frame her face.
"Nance..."
The hand dropped and left a wet, red smear across her cheek.
"No." A puddle of blood was beginning to form beneath him.
She clutched his hands in hers, the ring he had just given her barely a day ago shining on her ring finger.
"Please, Jon, no. Please. Where does it hurt? Where-?"
"Nancy," he smiled tiredly, and for the first time he looked like he was unburdened. Nancy liked the look on him but not what it might have meant.
"No, no. No, please, Jonathan," she sobbed. She reminded herself of sitting in Starcourt's parking lot, listening to El's pained cries. Except now she was on the other side. "Please don't leave me. Please! I- I can't! I-!"
"Nancy," he smiled and there was blood on his teeth. "I love you."
"No! No, please don't do this. You're staying, please."
"I love you, okay?" Repeating the words she had said to him so long ago. "Tell mom and Will, tell my family I love them. And Will, I love him and I- I don't care that he's gay. He's my baby brother. Tell Hopper that it was nice to have a dad for a little while. Tell El I love her and she's been the best sister and I'm glad I'm dying if it means she can live a normal life."
"I can't," Nancy sobbed, shaking her head, still holding his hands.
"Please, Nance. For me, okay? I- I love you."
She sobbed once more, swallowing the screams threatening to bubble up. She had to be strong for him. Nancy nodded, tears streaming down her face.
"Okay," she held his hands a little tighter and leaned down to press a chaste kiss against his lips. He went limp, his hand sliding out of her grip.
A tear fell on his dirt covered face. His eyes were open, staring at the unfamiliar sky.
"Okay, Jon," she whimpered, brushing his hair back and away from his face. "Okay."
She pressed a kiss to his forehead and, as much as it hurt her, left to rejoin the fight.
When Ms. Byers' chopped off Vecna's head, she saw the best friends she had ever had. Nancy saw a beautiful, kind girl with bright red hair who died too early. She saw a brave, loyal boy who had given her his life.
. . .
Again, she was reminded of listening to El grieving, believing Hopper dead and being comforted by her family. But now she was with them. Joyce had an arm around her and one around Will, who was nestled into her side and staring blankly at the opposite wall. El was next to them, crying in Hopper's arms, one hand holding Will's in a death grip. Jonathan's body was covered and lying next to Nancy. She had a hand on top of his covered head, holding him in place through the shakes of the van.
. . .
El died before Nancy could tell her what Jonathan said. El died before she learned Jonathan died in hopes that she wouldn't.
. . .
Nancy didn't think she would ever love again. She could barely visit Jonathan's grave because of her guilt, and yet it pained her too much to stay away. Jonathan had been that once in a lifetime kind of love that people talked about in movies. She had never thought it was real until she had it. The photographer to her journalist. Except they would never be in the bylines together.
Maybe she could try loving again. But Jonathan had spoiled it for her.