Work Text:
Ottawa, February 2021
Harris was startled awake by an unusually strong sneeze. It was so loud that it beckoned Troy from the kitchen.
“Good morning, babe,” Troy’s entire body softened when he laid his eyes on Harris’ morning hair. He wore a strange expression, like his mouth wanted to smile but his face wanted to grimace. His arm was outstretched, holding out his phone. “I have bad news for you.”
Groaning, Harris sat up. He squinted at the tiny text on Troy’s screen.
Breaking News: MLH Star Ilya Rozanov’s Phone Hacked! See the Salacious Details Below
The captain of the Ottawa Centaurs is in hot water after private documents from his phone have just been leaked. The Centaurs, famously the worst team in the League, have had an unexpectedly eventful season beginning with the sudden addition of Troy Barrett to their roster in November, followed by a close call after their plane engine caught fire in January. Since then, the team has been on a roll with a shot at making the playoffs for the first time in over a decade. Will their Captain’s scandalous private life bring an end to their lucky streak? An anonymous source tells us more [...]
Comments:
Guest user: there’s nothing salacious?? It’s just a grocery list and some travel notes???
Guest user: op isn’t wrong but travel notes is a little reductive when Rozanov calls Montreal “a city of cucks like Constantinople in 1453”
Guest user: Ain’t no way op just called hundreds of words of Montreal slander “some travel notes”
Rozanov’s left pinky @pineapplejuiceallday
Hey whats the appropriate response to finding out hockey’s baddest fuckboi is actually a golden retriever of a human being? Asking for all of us because the fuck you mean someone hacked into Ilya Rozanov’s gmail and found nothing but official MLH comms, snarky comments about other cities, and a grocery list
Rozanov’s left pinky @pineapplejuiceallday
Noted womanizer and party boy Ilya Rozanov who has participated in no less than six (6) orgies because he willingly told us, without prompting, with his actual mouth
Kari @atthepromisedland
There’s gotta be something in that Ottawa water because Troy Barrett went from noted homophobe, smug misogynistic asshole, and #1 Dallas Kent defender to out and proud and SA survivor advocate after less than six months in Ottawa
Lily @liliyarozanova
just lead and construction dust
Mari @roz-up-my-nov
Not to be controversial or anything but that grocery list is kind of Hollander-coded??
Kell @lellikellkell
Hey Russians eat foods that aren’t cabbage or potatoes, miso is very delicious and versatile
Team Hollanov @shilyandry
Okay but how do you explain the natto?
Kell @lellikellkellwhats
What’s natto?
Lily @liliyarozanova
Is war crime.
Mari @roz-up-my-nov
Yeah what Lily said. It’s Japanese fermented soybeans. Super healthy, but so gross and smelly
Joe @Joecoolerthanyou
Could be a rec from his dietician
Sonny @kokomokokowoto
lol that profession is entirely blonde white girls named Emily, Hannah, or Sarah, ain’t no way they’ve even heard of natto
Shan-oopy @Shanesbodypillow
Hey i’m not Asian but it’s racist and problematic to assume Shane eats miso just because he’s half-Japanese
Yolinda @yoliyoliMLH
The Rozanov gmail hack has to be fake because there’s no way he has nicer things to say about food in Edmonton and Winnipeg than the actual foodie destinations like New York or Toronto
Not a Montreal Cuck @rozanovsgmail
Honestly it tracks because the prairies have big Ukrainian and Russian communities. They probably have the best Russian food in North America
Mari @roz-up-my-nov
Okay but we aren’t talking enough about how much commentary there is on Japanese food
Go Buffalo! @grittycandie
Kind of offended that every city with an MLH team got a Rozanov Review except Buffalo…
2018 Never Forget @Rozanovthetraitor
No mention of Boston either
Poetry Slam @wannabeslamottawalit
Dude he literally lived there for 8 years, why would he review the place he lives?
Cal @Raidersboi81
He reviewed Ottawa
Ilya’s 2017 Ribs @babymyrussianbaby
His Ottawa review ends with a restaurant that closed four years ago, he probably stopped reviewing them after he moved
Hooves Up (Centaurs Team Chat)
Boodram: Rozy how the fuck do you get your google docs hacked
Dykstra: In his defense, who the fuck hacks into google docs?
Hayes: ??? A lot of people??? Especially corporate emails?
Do you think someone from another team is trying to steal our plays?
Our next game is against San Francisco
Maybe their coach hired a hacker
Chouinard: Hazy shut up
Respectfully
Barrett: Wyatt that’s not the point
Hayes: Sorry you’re right
The invasion of privacy is awful but I’m kind of glad all our contracts and team documents are as secure as they are
Young: I’m never making fun of management for all their document passwords again
Boyle: Did anyone read it? Rozy’s leaked docs?
Hayes: It feels wrong
Boodram: Hayes. Wyatt.
Hayes: yesokayfineidid
Dillon: I thought there would be some hot amateur porn or something
With all the women he’s slept with and all
But its literally groceries
Chouinard: It’s still a work account
Holmberg: Roz why are you using your work email for groceries????
Weibe: Honestly, I’m glad it’s only his groceries and travel commentary. The commentary is crude, but no more so than anything you boys say on the ice. It shouldn’t be too much of a trainwreck for comms to clean up
Lapointe: It’s still an awesome trainwreck though
Hollander is named three times
Whats furikake?
If I eat it will I become as cool as Hollander?
Young: No
Lapointe: :(
terminallyonlinehollanovsimp
There’s already a lot of talk about the Shane Hollander sized hole in Ilya’s grocery list, but we also need to talk about how extensive those Montreal reviews are. There are 32 cities with MLH teams. 14 of the 51 pages are about Montreal. After Montreal, New York has the longest review at about a page and a half. Buffalo doesn’t even get mentioned.
Notable comments:
- New York’s review is mostly chirps about Scott Hunter’s age, a relatively sincere positive review about a bar called the Kingfisher, how much he enjoyed Fun Home (the Broadway musical) and Heathers (Off-Broadway), and how stupid he thinks all the tourist traps are. But it’s New York, we all know there’s lots of say about New York for tourists.
- He really liked Florida until he left Boston. Too many Boston people down there who still consider him a traitor (because he is one). And they’ll never forgive him.
- Vegas “has good memories” which is the possibly the first and only time anyone has unironically and romantically said that about Vegas
- Toronto is a stupid city with mediocre food and is impossible to get around. Their team bus once got stuck in traffic so long that they had to get off and walk 45 minutes to the arena. And they still beat their bus. They are also bad at names because if you ask for directions to Rogers Centre, the locals will respond by telling you where the SkyDome is. In Ilya’s words, “no wonder stupid city keeps stupid bad players like Dallas Kent.”
- Edmonton, Calgary, and Winnipeg all get honourable mentions and glowing reviews for having really good Russian food apparently??? There’s a Russian Tea Room in Edmonton that apparently gets a glowing review for serving the best blini and borscht in North America.
It’s pretty clear that Ilya Rozanov travels for work and not for leisure. Most of the comments are about food, traffic to the arena, traffic out of the arena, the arena itself, hotels, the airport, traffic around the airport, or the players. There are some honourable non-work/food mentions like the Chicago Bean or the view in Whistler, but most of it is pretty standard stuff.
Montreal is where it gets interesting. There are your usual chirps like Shane Hollander having a weak backhand (he has the second strongest backhand in the league), being slow (he won the speed competition at the last All Star Games), and being short (he’s the same height as Rozanov), or Hayden Pike having 4000 children (he has four) and being the 15th best player on the team (eh. Jury’s still out on this one). There is the expected commentary about how traffic in and out of the Trudeau airport will take years off your life and how Montreal has “no traffic laws, only traffic suggestions.”
But Ilya Grigoryevitch Rozanov dedicated fourteen (14!) whole pages to Montreal. That is far too many pages for someone who only goes to Montreal for work. He knows far too much about the bike lanes. He knows to avoid biking on specific streets in September and October because all the university students are back in the city and they are absolute terrors on the road. He knows about the Concordia pigeon mafia that runs the intersection at Guy and de Maisonneuve. He even spells Maisonneuve correctly! He knows that the island of Montreal is different from the city of Montreal. He knows the city of Mont-Royal is not the mountain Mont-Royal, which is not the street Mont-Royal, and even though Montreal is named after Mont-Royal (the mountain), they are all different places. He even knows about strawberry season in Quebec and how Quebec strawberries are a different (and better) breed than the usual grocery store strawberries. He even has a favourite vendor at Atwater Market. He knows far too much about grocery stores in Montreal, and he even knows about (and loves) the T&T in Brossard. (For the uninitiated, T&T is the biggest chain of Asian grocery stores in Canada)
And who else lives in Montreal, is Asian, and owns a house in Brossard? Shane fucking Hollander.
I rest my case.
Reblogged by hollandeeznuts
Before all the homophobes bring up the Boston-Montreal rivalry thing to explain away why Rozanov pays so much attention to Montreal, Rozanov isn’t even from Boston. He didn’t grow up with the rivalry, and is very famously and publicly friends with Shane Hollander. Clearly, opposition research has no bearing on why Ilya Rozanov cares so much about Montreal.
Opposition research certainly doesn’t include a detailed analysis about the pros and cons of half a dozen Montreal neighbourhoods for real estate investments
Reblogged by rozanobitches
Ilya Rozanov loves Fun Home? He’s a queer icon
Team Centaur-pieces (Bood, Dykstra, Chouinard, Hayes, Haas, Barrett, Harris)
Hayes: So.
Chouinard: SO.
Dykstra: Soooo
Haas: So?
Barrett: Harris is still asleep but like.
This is too important to wait for him
Natto? Ain’t no way Ilya was buying that for himself
Hayes: This heavily tips the scales in Hollander’s favour
Barrett: Hollander was already the frontrunner by far
Bood: Well that Black Russian chick with the amazing hair was a pretty close runner up for a while
Hayes: was. Not anymore
Haas: I know it is rude to speculate on others’ sexuality but Ilya owns too many lamps to be straight
Bood: What?
Chouinard: What?
Dykstra: What/
Hayes: Overhead lights are homophobic
Barrett: Really?
Haas: Troy, you are gay??
Barrett: Listen
This isn’t about me
I’m a bad gay
And I’m very sorry for all those years of being homophobic
But why does Hayes know this
Do you have something to tell us?
Hayes: You all know I have a gay sister
And I’m a goalie
Goalies see everything
Haas: overhead lights are also very unflattering for drag queens
Hollander is mentioned three times
Maybe four?
Bood: Such innocent mentions though
“Protein bar Shane likes (only during camp)”
“Dashi powder (Shane recommended)”
Dykstra: “Japanese curry cubes (Shane is psychopath who likes extra spicy so get no spice)”
Chouinard: Haas what’s the fourth?
Haas: sushi rice in pink bag
Hayes: Because it’s sushi rice? Russians don’t make sushi….
Haas: Shane Hollander filmed a tv documentary at his cottage in 2016 and I saw that same brand of rice in the background
Bood: Because you’re doing such good detective work, I won’t ask you why you noticed the brand of rice Hollander buys
Haas: It’s a very pink bag!
Very noticeable!
Dykstra: how do you even know about the documentary?
Haas: Rozanov told me…
Hayes: Roz told me about it too
I forgot about it until now
Barrett: he also mentioned it to me
It’s very boring
It’s just Hollander doing yoga by a lake
Bood: not so boring that he isn’t telling anyone about it
I can’t believe none of you guys brought this up earlier
Why do we even have a detective chat if none of you fuckers share the juicy intel?
Chouinard: I’m offended Roz doesn’t share Hollander’s yoga documentaries with me
Am I a bad teammate???
Barrett: okay but Roz really does have a lot of Japanese food on his grocery list
Furikake, curry cubes, dashi powder, sushi rice, natto, miso
And it’s not even the basic stuff, like soy sauce
Dykstra: I don’t even know what half of those are
Why do you know what they are
Barrett: I’m from Vancouver
And Harris is into Asian cooking channels right now
Chouinard: Is there any plausible deniability for Roz?
Bood: technically he could just be dating a perfectly normal woman who happens to be Japanese
Maybe a diplomat?
Or the wife of a diplomat
Hayes: Japanese embassy is in Toronto
Haas: Aren’t there regular Japanese women in Ottawa?
Hayes: but there’s no good reason to be so secretive if it’s just a regular woman
And the only people in Ottawa are civil servants or academics
Not circles that would overlap with Roz’s lifestyle
Hayes: idk Roz could probably pull whoever he wanted
Barrett: ….or Roz could have gone down the same Asian cooking rabbit hole Harris did
Haas: but Shane Hollander is recommending things
Chouinard: Rook has a point
Hollander is the only person that’s named
Bood: I’ve recommended tons of delis and meat cuts and seasonings and none of the stuff I talked about is on Rozy’s grocery list
Ngl I’m kinda hurt lol
Hayes: the Hollander cottage documentary rec is pretty damning
Rozy’s secret girl has to be Hollander
Dykstra: yeah there’s no competition
Kind of devastating that we uncovered all this chirp material that we can’t use
Barrett: what have I woken up to
This is Harris btw
Harris looked up at Troy. “All things considered,” he sighed, reclining in a pillow Troy had propped up against the headboard, “this is probably the best case scenario for an email leak. There’s nothing salacious, confidential, or even remotely libellous.”
“He goes after Montreal pretty hard,” Troy adds unhelpfully, joining Harris in bed.
“You know what I mean.” Harris, still holding Troy’s phone, continues scrolling.
Rozy’s Montreal Girl (Marleau, Connors, Hammersmith, St. Simon)
Connors: guys
Have you seen the news?
Roz got his email hacked
Hammersmith: oh shit did his sex tape leak?
Connors: bro no??? It’s just his grocery list
And travel commentary
Marleau: And a lot of Shane Hollander
Like a suspicious amount of Shane Hollander
Do you think we got the wrong idea about his Montreal girl?
Hammersmith: maybe Hollander is a cover
Does he have a sister? Hot female cousin?
Connors: Hollander is an only child
St. Simon: hot female cousin it is
Marleau: guys, do you have the feeling that we might be missing something really obvious?
Hammersmith: what do you mean?
Marleau: idk how to explain it
Like we’re so close but it feels like there’s something really obvious we overlooked
Connors: wow Marley, I didn’t you knew words as big as overlooked
Marleau: fuck off Connors
Connors: I see what you mean though
St. Simon: do you think he’s actually fucking Hollander’s mom?
It would explain why he ditched us for Ottawa
Hammersmith: BRO
Marleau: DUDE
Connors: 👀
r/MLHTea
Grocerygate Megathread
u/81withme If you asked me five years ago to guess at the most salacious contents of Ilya Rozanov’s private files, I definitely would have said his sex tapes, plural, featuring dozens of gorgeous women drooling over his abs in impressively athletic configurations. If sex was an Olympic sport, no question that Rozanov would be the undisputed gold medalist. He would probably go gay for pay just to top every category (literally). So I can’t believe Ilya Rozanov’s biggest scandal after getting his cloud drive compromised is his literal fucking grocery list.
u/throwaway7 hey a grocery list isn’t nothing. There’s a suspicious amount of Japanese food, maybe Rozanov has an Asian fetish
u/kms7485 his travel notes are also pretty juicy.
u/grilledcheese57 “Edmonton is food capital of North America.” Either someone from Edmonton has blackmail material on him, or the rest of us are sleeping on Edmonton’s food scene
Text message from Svetlana Vetrova
Sveta: you’re such a whipped asshole lol
Hurry up and introduce me to your Jane
Buzzfeed Sports @buzzfeedsportsnews
We have to talk about the surprisingly wholesome contents of Ilya Rozanov’s Google docs: a grocery list and travel notes.
Gracie @11yar0zan0v
There are a lot of sushi mentions…do Russians even eat sushi??
Elena @scotthuntersbeard
Yeah?? They do?? Sushi is delicious?? Only a psychopath wouldn’t like sushi?
Nex @lexusrozanexus
I had one of the greatest California rolls in my life in Moscow
Nemo @findinghollxndershxle
With all due respect Norwegians exclusively eat pickled fish and soggy cabbage, you have no ability to judge food
(Not) Rookies (Haas, Holmberg, Lapointe, Young)
Holmberg: I can’t decide if Cap is the coolest person ever or the dorkiest
Lapointe: It’s kind of a power move
Like there’s no way Roz doesn’t have a sex tape or 70 stashed away somewhere
The groceries have got to be a front
A distraction
I know we already debunked this but are we sure he’s not mafia?
Holmberg: mafia is Italian, bratva is Russian
Young: I know he’s friends with Hollander but….I don’t think I know what any of you guys like to eat.
Am I a bad friend???
Haas: no
We eat what team dietician tells us to eat
The groceries must be for off season
Or holidays?
Young: does that mean Cap spends his time off with Hollander?
Holmberg: they’re friends
Haas: yeah, friends
just friends
VEGAS BABY @gaymurmuring
WHAT HAPPENED IN VEGAS??!!??!!?
VEGAS BABY @gaymurmuring
No but fr “best first time, cannot believe I was graced with such beauty, will never recover” ???!!??? SIR WHOS VIRGINITY DID YOU TAKE AND WHY ARE YOU SO IN LOVE
Mari @roz-up-my-nov
I like how we know enough about his sex life thanks to Rozanov’s own confirmation that we know for sure that Rozanov was doing the deflowering
Operation Nice Montreal Man
J.J.: If Rozanov wasn’t so painfully straight, I could almost believe he’s secretly in love with Holly
Hayden: The fuck?
J.J.: Swear jar
Have you been online?
Hayden: No I have kids who needed breakfast
What happened
Why are we talking about Rozanov when we’re trying to find Shane a nice Montreal man
Hayden: jfc
If Rozanov thinks I’m the number 2 cuck on the Metros
Who the fluff is number 1
J.J.: Pike stp
Number 1 is probably Comeau
Even in Ottawa, Rozanov takes their rivalry so seriously
Do you see those mtl notes?
It really must suck for Holly to have the guy you love be professionally obsessed with you
Hayden: yeah…
Poor Shane
J.J.: although I gotta say, this whole thing strangely wholesome for a man who probably moved to Ottawa because he ran out of women in Boston
We gotta find our capitaine a nice mtl boy soon
r @rozscheekmole
Can we talk about how Canadian Rozanov is? Half the Canadian cities are just referred to by airport code
Ilyana @nottransrozanov
Is that a Canadian thing?
Niu @ niushadagreat
So Canadian. “YEG best airport. Good food, no crowds.”
Rexna @rararozanov
“Best sushi in YVR”
Bexna @rahrahrozanov
“YUL drivers so stupid, can’t be trusted to take safe right turn”
Helen @powertotheeandme
“Prettiest Canadian river in yyc”
Hollander Family Chat
Yuna: Ilya, how did your email get hacked?
Has your agent called you?
Call me back as soon as you can.
Shane, don’t freak out.
David: There’s nothing incriminating, Shane, but it’s a slow news day so everyone is trying to decipher Ilya’s grocery list and travel commentary for secret messages.
It should blow over before the weekend ends.
“Okay.” Harris hands Troy his phone back while he reclines further into his pillows. “It’s really not that bad. It’ll fuel more Shane Hollander speculation but there’s enough plausible deniability. It’s a slow news day so I think we can afford to let it blow over. I’ll just post a generic statement about online safety and two-factor authentication.”
“That’s good,” Troy nods, grabbing Harris’ hand. “I made your yogurt parfait. Breakfast?”
Harris lets Troy pull him out of bed. They stand chest to chest, both grinning stupidly. “Breakfast.”
Go Cens Go! @ottawacentaurs✅
In light of our Captain Ilya Rozanov’s recent email hack, we would like to remind everyone about the importance of online safety and encourage everyone, especially Ilya Rozanov, to enable two-factor authentication on all your accounts.
This Is Ilya @realrozy81 ✅
I do not apologize for anything, is not my fault I have taste. Only person who should be sorry is loser who hacked email. Seriously, email? Please get a job.