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“why do you smoke?”
the question was so very simple but it still caught him off guard.
it was one he had been asked by everyone from his mother to his gym teacher and often it was followed by the good old “you know that's going to kill you one day” talk. he wasn't stupid. of course he knew. what did they think, that he thought it was going to make him live a long happy life?
no, Josh knew that it wasn't good for him. that's why he did it. he didn't think he deserved good.
plus, it calmed his anxiety and gave him something to do. a distraction, a deadly one laced with nicotine and lung disease.
of course, he would never say this to any of those who asked. he would usually roll his eyes or perhaps pull out another cig for good measure. sometimes he'd shrug or other times he would pretend he was deaf.
why did they care? he was just another waste of space in their lives, and he saw himself as helping them by literally burning himself out of this cruel world.
but this wasn't just anyone asking. this was Tyler. Tyler was important, Tyler was good, Tyler was pure, Josh did not deserve him.
Josh could never tell him, but Tyler was also a reason he smoked.
Tyler made him feel so dizzy and nauseous on love that he always found his fingers itching for a cigarette when the younger boy was around. there was such a need to impress him but when his nerves ran rampant he couldn't do much but shake.
the funny thing was, Josh knew Tyler hated smoking. he wrinkled his nose whenever Josh discreetly pulled out a pack and refused to kiss him directly after the act.
Tyler thought it smelled gross and was unattractive and wouldn't hold his hand after it was previously occupied with a cigarette. Josh knew it all.
it was odd. Josh wanted to be good for Tyler but a darker part of his brain whispered that he needed to push him away.
he needed Tyler to keep him balanced but cursed himself for needing someone as perfectly beautiful as him. Tyler did not deserve to be loved by a monster like Josh. Tyler deserved someone clean.
but he also needed to smoke. cigarettes were his way of punishing himself, long past the days of razors and burning water but still in need of release. it made the one he loved the most disgusted with him, and he deserved it, he was a monster, a terrifying, vile creature, a waste of life-
“J?” Tyler whispered, voice shaky. Josh opened his eyes and looked down at the smaller boy’s head that rested gently on his lap. Tyler’s face was etched with worry and he slowly reached up to cup Josh’s stubbly chin. Josh relaxed into his touch and a period of silence passed where they were just staring into each other's eyes. finally, Josh looked away, flinching at the intensity of Tyler’s gaze still burning into him.
“I don't know, Ty,” he sighed. “I wish I had a simple reason. hell, I wish I had a good reason.” suddenly there was a lump in his throat, suffocating all words that had been forming on his tongue. they were stuffed back into his lungs, back into that slowly blackening part of him.
“you don't have to know. it's okay,” Tyler soothed him, and that's when Josh realized he was crying.
God, did he need a cigarette.
there was another century of silence before Tyler spoke again.
“I wish… well, I honestly wish you didn't,” he began, his words slow and calculating. he was obviously being thoughtful in the words he was choosing. “but I know it's not that easy. you don't have to know why you do it. I just wish I knew so that maybe I can help you. you're hurting yourself, J,” Tyler’s voice cracked but he continued on, unembarrassed. “you're hurting yourself and I don't know why and I want you to- to not because… because I love you and you mean so dang much to me and I think I want to spend the rest of life with you.” at this point Tyler's face was bright pink, his eyes filled with such sincerity that Josh's heart broke a little.
“do you mean that?” he found himself whispering.
Tyler nodded vigorously, an amazing feat since his head was still on Josh's lap. “every goddamn word.”
Josh let out a tiny, barking laugh as he wiped his eyes and then a low whistle. “Tyler Joseph? swearing? I'm impressed.”
“shut up, Dun. you smoke, I swear.”
the serious manner returned over the conversation and Josh straightened up slightly. “I love you too, you know. I want you to be happy. if this is what will make you happy…” Josh trailed off, his hands idly playing with Tyler's hair.
Tyler looked up at Josh, eyes begging him to go on.
“I guess- well, I'll need your help, but - I can try. for you. and only for you.” Josh's eyes remained focused on his hands, refusing to meet his boyfriend in the eye.
“do you mean that?” Tyler said breathlessly, sounding like Josh had just proposed to him rather than promised to quit smoking.
“every goddamn word, babe,” Josh said, sheepishly grinning as he met Tyler's eyes.
“oh, Josh,” Tyler sighed in contentment before lifting himself up and kissing Josh hard.
Josh kissed back.