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Morrigan is so powerful. Sometimes, Mairead feels like she is so far away from that level of confidence that there is no use in trying. Morrigan seems, to her, gorgeous and untouchable, everything she was taught to fear about her own nature dialed up to eleven and contained in the body of someone who doesn’t fear herself.
Later, she comes to understand more of Morrigan and her childhood, and quietly hates herself for the jealousy. But still, still, she watches Morrigan and wishes she had that casual magical ability, that confidence in her own nature.
In the same way, she watches Leliana and wishes she had that self-assurance, that faith, that charm. She feels so far away from someone like her. Leliana is so pretty and elegant, and Mairead knows herself to be nothing of the sort. She’s a Chantry Sister to boot. That makes Mairead think of Jowan and Lily, and that was proof enough of the risks of such a relationship. They may not be in the Circle any longer, but Leliana is still so much more than she.
Besides which, how could she commit to anything, as a Grey Warden? This is a dangerous life. The group may travel with her and Alistair now, but they can leave if needs be. Wardens cannot.
Even so, she can admit to herself that she looks at Morrigan and Leliana and wants. Wants to be more like them, wants to touch and hold them, wants anything and everything that would bring her closer to them or turn her into the person she wishes she was.