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To my dearest Mok,
Loving you is a privilege. And i am just unfortunate, I haven't had a chance to earn that. I will definitely hurt, but I think I am ready to let you go, my love. Maybe in another life you will be selfish enough to choose me. And I will hope that my love would be enough for you to choose me without hesitation, doubts and insecurities. I wish I was holding your hands, as I talk to you one final time, but that is another privilege.
Loving you was the easiest thing I have ever done. Taking a bullet for you would mean nothing to me, as I wish to live beside you and enjoy the mundane things of live. Staying in on a Saturday night, cooking breakfasts for you and bringing them to you in bed, sprawled on the couch reading our book recommendations to each other, cheese and wine for the days when we just want to unwind, sharing a scarf on the long winter walks, preserving petals of flowers from important days of our lives. \
I am not ashamed to admit to the fact that I dreamt of us getting wed one day. But now, every part of me aches now knowing that this letter will be the eviction notice for our love from this world. At 16, I found a home in you. The calm freedom, midst all the chaos of a high school. Now at 26, I still love you. Hopefully, this won't be the case at 36, because then I would just be a dead zombie inside. My love will cost you your life. And i realised how selfish I was to demand that you fight for the same thing that is poison to you.
It's going to hurt, but I hope the life you build moving forward will be a sanctuary to heal. I know it will hurt you too because I know for a fact that you love me too. And today I stand with a grave realisation that love alone is just never enough. All those soaps of Kian taught the wrong things, huh? I am not going to stop loving you. Unfortunately, it just runs in my blood. But I am going to stop hoping. I am not letting go of your oh so precious heart. I'll always be glad to hold it. I am just going to stop hoping that this world will ever let me hold it without crushing the one thing I love the most with my own hands.
I apologise for this love becoming a suffocation rather than literally anything else in the world.
I really hope that this love meant something to you as well, as much as it did to me. I still can't figure how to navigate my future without you in it. I planned on this future where I cooked our kids breakfast and us raising them together. I now know those dreams need to his the stop button. But I will at least know that I will not wake up with regret filling my days. I did try. It is just so so unfortunate that it didn't work out.
Thank you for teaching me love. I will cherish that until my last breath. In another life, I would get to call your name. As many times I wish to. Without any care. And you would smile everytime. I can wish. Till then, I'll live for you. Maybe in another life, I can probably hold your hands at the beach. We can watch the sunset. No rush. Only the softness of the sand and the warmth of our love. Maybe the water can drench our legs.
Till then, a goodbye.
Sincerely,
Rome
Krisdanai Lee